Ushering in The New Year

As things progress...
Maybe a world wide music career,
A life busier than I ever imagined...
Maybe a family,
Maybe not...

As I take to the road, world travel...
I still see me
In moments of time

Taking time,
To paint, to read,
To write,
To play...

To dabble for example in my own garden,
To make my own concoctions of homemade facial scrubs
To open a healing center that gives back to the community..

To dance and dance and dance
And teach other's
Goddess feet.

In my vision
For my future,
I have a coach teaching me
Language, Hebrew,
That I may chant my old testimony's.
That I may live on the edge of life
With so much to explore,
With so much to endeavor into!

May my presence shift systems out-moded!
May I change the school system I once so despised to reveal and heal for the next generations.
May consciousness and light,
No longer remain in the dark.

In my future,
I play...
And work hard!
I have more than many, and so I give back large...
Globally.
I have a daughter. Maybe two.
(And a son?) just came through...

I effect world change,
Through my organizations built to give back!
Through my new systems and coming together of light workers alike...
For we are a tribe here on Earth,
Come to shed the light!

In my vision,
For my life...
I give, and abundance consumes,
And I know the world...

And the world knows me.

My voice penetrates the hearts of many, but my heart and actions speak more loudly...

I have a long life,
For there is much for me to do...

And yes, I see a family...
Can't deny that I do...

I take time somehow in the in between a,
To still connect forever to God...

And I don't know how I do it...
But I do...

In this new year, I see this version coming through,
And it is my life.
My life created!

And whatever comes to pass,
I know it is the highest will...

For as the future does always change,
I honor it.
Knowing it is of God...knowing God knows more than I do...

Thank you Heavens,
For this Spirit you have given
As this child in me!

I could not be more grateful
For the passion,
The vision,
The warrior
That I as God-Man
Have come to be...

Through my purpose...
I know you...

And that alone
Is enough to die
At any time
Souly
Holy
Happy.

My Ode to You God,
For your Creation of Me

The Belly of The Beast

She stands, trembling
Freezing cold,
Holding her own...

Arms around opposing shoulders
Breathing out frost,
Looking around.
Ankles deep in snow,
Looking around...

Trembling from the snow..

My momma took away my peace today.
Re-Calibrate.

The winter
Freezes
Time
And many hearts..

And I'm
Looking around.
Breathing frost,
Trembling..

Trying to keep MYSELF
warm.

Myself.
Warm.

Against this frost-biting ice..

Against the frailty
Of what she won't hesitate to shatter,
Not he,
Not them,

Frost bitten.
Trembling.
Waiting in the snow
For something to show...

Weakening.
Weakening.

Trying to be...
Enough warmth to keep me going.

Weakening.

I know,
It's become time
To
Go inside.

In there,
The Belly of the Beast,
And with-out,
The frozen bite of winter's time.

And I'm cold & on fire...
All at once..

All at once..

Setting ablaze
To another day,

That would test me...
Test my feats.

My heart shakes...
Crying
More than my legs..

Tears becoming
Ice down my face
For I
As My Warrior...

Stand, and stand alone, ever more
To the cold...

Shaking. Trembling. Tears leaking from
Looking around.

No one
Is coming for me.

Because I
Am The Spirit Now.

And I go inside...
Knowing
In me,
I have to muster

That I may,
Take to my journey
And be on my way.

Because while no-one is coming for me,
I know my place..

I
Am coming
For they.

And it's okay now...
Because although I am alone...

The Angels Great
Journey with Me..

And I know,
I am never alone..

I got used to waiting.
Waiting for some face to Come for me...

That face, the only that showed
Was the God,
Ever within...
Finally revealing...

And I know,
I must be the face
To many
That stand and wait..

Just..
Like..
Me..

I
Am

Coming.

As I journey back into..
The Belly
Of The Beast.

WTF Am I Supposed To Do Now

Why have you put me between worlds?
Sitting here, dealing with one...

Dealing with one...

So different..
Worlds away..

And I hear your name...
Shut down..
Can't be the same

Expected to be the same..
Can't.

He breathes me different understandings..
Takes away forces in me..
But loves..
And what
Am I
Supposed to be
Between worlds...

Hurting.
Can't.
Kiss.
Can't
Give...

Because I know...

And why
Have you left me between worlds?

I
Despise
You
So

Age of Aquarius Awake

Here's the thing:

I am the news feed of God.
I am the Savior coming.
I am the radiant rays of the internal spark,
Ever creating into eternity,

As Infinity...

And you, young generation of man,
Wish to feed your souls with everything but,

This very integral
Complete
Piece of your philosophical puzzle.

Ever competing,
Ever waring,
Ever waging and raiding
The peace of others
Because you can not find
The Peace of your own.

I have seen
The darkness kill...
Feeding souls coal,
Slow embers fanned from inside out...
Dark whisperings
Feeding dark deeds,
Entities,
Intentions lost in the astray...

Because souls are lost in the abyss
Of their own pain,
Turning into rage quickly over time...

And for such a long time...
My kind, at war, with mankind...
As man couples the hands of demons
And Denies the fruits of Love internal...

Our spark dies
In the rise, the fire, because it grows ablaze and transforms to rage..
No longer pure
Light anymore
But destructive fright
Now turning on the village
Of our own community...

I love fiercely where you may not.
Live honestly where you get caught.
Tare down my heart walls, brick by brick...if that is what I have to do...
Ever afraid still to love, but never closing up.
Ever scared, but never run by fear.
Fiercely honest...
Because that
Is the light of truth.
The way of God-Man...
The way of God...

I will tell you who I am..
But you have to want..
You have to burn Internal
Until you are ready to face
Your own shadows without me.
You have to believe..
Calling it Faith..
Be willing to see...
The truth behind Earth fallacy...

That heaven...
Lay in the heart of man..
The spark;
That Heaven
Is created by man-mind...
God-mind...
For we are God..
Literally Sharing DNA of Masters.
Far back.
And we have yet still,
To remember..

But here's the thing...

We will.
For I am the news feed of God.
You, God's will.
All of us,
Everything
And anything
We can ever want to be...

For even in the imagination,
This can be,
And much more beyond Earth,
"HUMAN" can see.
For ye
Are Gods eternal...
Ever
Expressing.
Dark and shadow...
Light and Praise...
We are God's...

No matter
The face.

Deep Deep Inside

As you kiss me,
My cheek slants into your lips,
My tears streaming sideways,
My essence spilling forth.

My heart weeps,
In the absence;
Phantom lips..
I nuzzle into
You.

My heart is young...
Here,
With you...

Soft
And returned
To it's original form.
Vulnerable.
Unsettled.
Unknowing...

Wise,
Old,
Knowing..

Lost,
Following...

Inbetween the knowns..

I feel them. Your lips.
Soft,
At my temple,
Holding more of me,
Than u may ever want..

As I cry,
Cry,
Cry,
My tears hitting nothing more than the floor...

Not you,
Not you at all.

I miss you.
And I am sorry for that.

Confused.
A girl.
Little girl, lost...losing...
...finding
Something...
.. somewhere

Kicking rocks,
Looking for gold...

Convinced..
Convinced...

She will find it.

Nothing can turn her,
...not the God's,
The rules,
The previous knowns...

Here,
She lay in the lands between..

No time.
..events molding,
Intention pulling

In ways she can't see,
Her mind pulling
Matter
Like gravity...

And she's unaware
That she's the future Queen...

Unaware..
Inside though,
Ever knowing...

Deep,
Deep

Inside.

What Jesus Said

And they told me I was stupid
To love you
But who are they to say?

Who are they to say
Whom and who is not
Worthy of my love?

For it is not my love;
It is the love of God
That
Runs through me.

And who are they to say?

Who are they to say
That loving you is bad?
Bad for me, I don't know,
But how can loving any
Be bad,
For even the Undeserved
Deserve it the most...

So who are they to say?
Or take away from you what is inherently yours?

No,
Not my heart,
But rather...

This Love that streams through it.

Who are they to say
That you are not worthy,
When I look upon you,
And through your shadow,
You are as worthy
As any?

Who are they to say?
Or take that away?

I will tell you this...

The mere act of cutting off love
Is a sin:
A "missing of the mark"
And an act of separation...

And so
When I am told by man
That you are unworthy of my love
I hear them say
How unworthy they feel of God's...

And I know I must not follow them,
For they have already separated
From "His" love.

So I will love you ferociously!
I will love you as the winged serpent of time,
Encasing you in my wings,
Warming your Heart into a place of freedom,
Excavating your soul,
And pulling away the centuries of sediment,
That lay atop.
We will dance our way to the Angels,
And dine with the God and Goddess.

We will penetrate distance
And see the world
For through my love;
The extension of God Eternal,
I give you my eyes...
I gift you my sight...

Until no longer you need me

And you may stand once again
As the Son of God.

For that Heir
Is the birthright of every man,

And I love you
Because I see you
And never an illusion can take away
What man has robbed himself of
For years.

Not Love,
Not God,
Not his own Greatness...

For even in death,
These things can never fade.

So I will ask you once again,
Who are they to say,
Or take that away,
What is inherently yours?
Theirs?
Ours?

Who are you
To deny yourself
The kingdom of your own Heir?

Who are you all,
But Gods?
Creating of your own choosing...

And you may choose love,
Or you may choose severance...

But either way,
I promise, Love, of all
Will conquer.

Against Odds

Will he hold me,
And spill to me
That I am beautiful?!

Will he see me from afar,
And know in his heart he never wants to raise his voice to me?
Never wants to make
My pure heart cry?

Will he
Be the person,

To make that grand gesture
And small alike,
Everyday?

Will he go out of his way,
To learn my love language...
Speak it

And spoil me with gestures of
His ego aside,

As I love without pride?!

Can this boy be a man,
And isn't it silly,
If he is not?

Isn't it silly,
If he is not?

If he loves not his light,
How can he love mine?

And if he pushes today,
What would cause tomorrow
To decline?

When has love been enough,
To warm a cold
And bare heart?

And one so dark?

No...
No...
It is not likely
This day...

This will be the one deserving...

Not likely he will process
Another's world,
Sacrifice,
Love,
Spirit..
Unconditional Light...

Silly
Silly


Silly
Silly...

Cold Heart
And her love
Against
Every odd...

Still,
She loves him fiercely,

Until,
It turns her
Cold
And dark

Too...

Him
Her
Against
All odds.

But every time he steps back,
Slowly inching to turn away
(And run)...

She stays,
Instead,
For him.

And he will never know,
What she's giving up to love him,
For far better a man,
Would easily feed her soul,
Mind,
Heart...

Not bleed it,
Hurt it,
Abuse it...

And we all
Must learn...

It's just how many times,
Does the same lesson burn

Imprints of repeated war-cries?!

How
Many times?

I'm still counting,
Through my nine lives.

The Body's Voice

Dried up.

The swell of water.

I'm parched.
Body starving,
As she goes thirsty,

But I refuse to feed her.

Bit
By bit,

In the smallest amount,

I let her drink;

Do to her as I please.

But starve of her, her most
Principle needs...

And I know
That I shouldn't.

But I can not stop
Neglecting

Neglecting
What is mine to take care of...

Water.

F#cking let her drink!

"Water", she gasps...

But I'm too busy...
And she's bothering me.

Needing me.
To take care of her.

"K, in a few minutes"...
That never come...

And when I awake with a headache...
I know
She's dying...

So I stuff her full of Excedrin and coffee

On her empty stomach,

AND THEN,
I let her drink that damn water
She's always crying to me about!

Never..
Learning..

I'm really quite mean to her actually!
But
For some reason...

I just
Won't
...stop...

And that's okay...

I know
She likes it

Anyway!

Go team!

Insight Prayer

The glow
Is very real.
Internal. Forever.
Holding the messages
of light.

Man..
Can not understand
The infinite ever birthed
As apart
Of his own
Infinity.

The vast,
As minute as atoms,
Being contained,
By the body of light
We call
Our body,
Our temple,
Our vessel.

The strong
Resource alone
For many years,

Ever containing
The knowledge
Of their own...

Waiting..
For someone who knows,
What they know.

The Master,
Beginning or not,
Pulls in at will,
What he needs,
What he seeks,
But his needs are few,
And his seeking,
Calculated.
Discerning.

And they are all stages...

But Man,
Must first pass through his arrogance,
His pain,
His narcism...

He must pass through his beliefs,
His resignation,
And his need to be the only one in pain...

He must pass through all of these,
Sarcasm,
Defenses,
To see.

To see the Heart
He contains underneath.

Then this man can call himself strong,
And he will seek and seek and seek.
And falling often,
This man will dispair...
But he will also uncover
Belief.
Faith.
Strength.
And the will,
To keep
Believing.

Then,
This man will meet one day,
The thing he knew he was looking for.
And this will begin
A new journey of faith.

Enlightened- full of light...
Step by step,
Stage by stage...
Acquiring Master sight.

This is the evolution of man.
I ask you:

"Are you evolving?"

And if not,

One merely need
To pray for insight.

And so
Let it be!

The Saddest Thing

He pines over her,
Years gone.

Starlight
Glows warm before him...
But years in the dark,

He can not see her-
Can not see her essence...
Can not love
What is already given.

Deep, dark,
He stays,

And she will be

Another
Come and gone.

Never lingering too long

Where her star
Is not seen.

In her palm,
The universe of many
Is held...

He weeps,
Looking past...

Never seeing

The Glow
Of his Angel.

She can not make him see..
And knowing this,

She backs away slowly..

For she must wait
For her assignment to be ready.
Love,
Forever for him.
But
An assignment
Is just that.

And all else put aside...

It is time
For her to stay close
At a distance...

Until in the years,
He changes. Opens.
Finds his own glow.

And then...
Starlight
May have a place once more.

But the Angels can not stay
Where they are unwanted.
Unseen.

Ever going between.

Angel's Diary

Please...

Free me.
Let it go.
Release.

What I am here to do,
I heed...

One step
Before another,
Moving and being
As they need.

Allow me,
Oh Great Spirit,

To everyday
Make it Not
About me...

But about them.

It is easy for me to forget,
Easy for me to want...

But in wanting
I lose you.
Lose me...

In wanting
I am less capable of being the Angel you need me to be...

And now this,
I see.

So I return home to you..
As I calibrate again
My being..

Seeing
The truth
For what it is.

I had lost my way,
But of my path,

Let me regain..
Let me come again

Home.

And I will
Be there for them...

Without wanting
A thing.

Let me come again home...
And honor you.

As I love them.

And your service,
I am ever in...

For them, my Lord..

For them.

And I promise to return..

For these people

I love.

Fawn Incarnate

Get out of my head...

Obsession.

I will!
I release you!

I am no fawn,
Not stupid,
Not waiting,

Until the shot rings.
Blood.
Bleeding..
Draining.
Painting...

The white fall...

I am not she.

She is a life before me.
She is the haunt of my ancestry..

But she,

Is not me!

I am her,
Reborn!

Her child,
A new!

Never slain!
Never a day;
A Goddess A New..

Incarnate.

She,

She was my mother.

And I watched her..
Bleed,

As the bullet bore
through

The mothering nurturer

She spent life- times being...

Only so she could give
Birth to me...

And I watched her...

Watched her die,

Where the bullet pierced through..

The spirit leaving in her eyes...
As she,

One leg, by one,
Collapsed...

Processing,

The end,
Of her life...

My Fawn's last gaze,
Into her daughters eyes...

For I am the transfer,
Of Goddess Life...

And as she gazes,
Leaving..

One last glance against a white painted red,
The fallen snow,
Holding her last breath,

And I know...

She knew...
She waited...

Knowing
This was coming.

I am her...

Incarnate.

She is
My life...

Me...

My Mother,
My God...

Passing on..

Giving me life...

So I can go on
And fulfill,

THIS destiny...
....shape-shifter....

And I am not she.

Not weak.
Not unseeing,

But a Goddess a new...

A birth great,

For THIS time...

Strong,
Brazen,

A warrior.
A new.

But she...
She lay in me...

The spirit of everything kind,
Everything sacrificed,

So that the world would know love,
So that the passed life,
Could be protected...

Dying
For the greatest cause there can ever be...

Giving birth
To the new cause,
Protecting man...

Through me...

She is my mother!
And she rests eternally in me...

But I am not her,
And no man will ever see..

Me...

Begotten.

For I am the new life,

That begets...
Trails...

Passes on,
And through...

And leaves.

She

Was my mother...

And I,

I am still she...
But she,

My Obsession,
Is not me!

And I will not a lay in the snow,
Upon my own defeat...

For through her blood and tears to love man,

I arise,
Upon her sacrifice for me...

And I have been born again;
Goddess A New,

An evolved breed...

The nurturer forever within,

But my heart,
A warrior's feat!

....and I get up,

Stand to my feet, and say goodbye once more
To the old of me...

Of us...

Her spirit transfered,
Her vessel, sacrificed...

The snow,
Beginning to fall...

Carrying the death and transition of it all,

For the frozen tears
Signify
The warrior reborn.

It is cold...
And she is gone...

But where I walk...
The snow melts...

And the fire within us all...

Ablazes...

It is a new humanity,
Coming a drift..

And I walk now...

Initiated...

Into the life,

My mother,

Prepared me for!

I am her.
She is not me...

I am the strength
Of something emerged.

and the fawn lay...
A new vessel taking away...

The transfer....

Goodbye
Mother...


I
Am you now..
.....

And you,
Forever

Living in me.

Humanity

Will rise
Once more.

Spirit Fire

Snow falls,

She's looking up..
Looking beyond.

Seeing something,
Deep,

In the dark night air,
Beyond
Where the snow starts.

Music plays
In the background
Enchanting the fire
And inducing flashes...

Flashes.
That tremble and shake this earth...

And her knees bend,
Almost buckle,

But they don't.
And she stands,
Facing...

Facing the dream before her...

Entranced by the fiery visions
She straightens back up,
Face a glow,
Enraptured...

Getting lost...

Sirens
In the distance.

Life and death,
Trace the outline
Of the smoke ablaze
Carrying her soul to a distant place,

As if she is lulled
By a call,
No other in her forest may hear,

With spirit ears,
She heeds something,

Allowing it to enchant her soul and lull and lull
Until she walks
Into the Vortex calling her...

Sirens in the distance..

Calling her...

But these
Are the sirens
Of The Earth God,

And THIS
Is the initiation before her.

She turns,
One last time to her tribe,
Wondering if the beckoning is summoning the others...

But she turns back,
Facing the Vortex...

Seeing,
It is only her,
Where she stay...

That the spirit of the night
Only beckons of her name,

And she realizes,
Her place has never been

Amongst them.
And so

She turns,

Saying goodbye to no one,

Realizing,

She is on her way to meet the destiny she was born
For.

The snow falls.
The embers a glow.

And it is quiet in the forest.
And the Earth will wake,

In peace,
For her child
Has returned home.

And they will search,
Brazen...

And the shaman will pick up the ground,
Where she stood, just lifetimes before,
And
The legend will be known.

Ariel

Went home.

For she,
Is The Lion
Of The Earth...

And it has been her time...

Finally,
The time,

For her
To return.

Back home..
Once more;

The call..
Beckons.

Starlit Seas

Navigating by the stars,
I hop my boat,
And push away...

Sailing....

It will be done.

All I see now
Are clusters and constellations;
Trillions and trillions
Of starlit molecules
Basking in the sky...

Being

My North Star.

I...
Am my
North Star...

Looking up,
Smiling back at myself,

The universe looking onward
Smiling
As my
Navigator.

Only Magic from here.

Good
Bye
Earth...

Lulls of Triton

I'm crashed.
Head over heals,
Wave subduing my head
Like the force of your hand on it,

The way I crave!
Force.
Tight.
Body pulls,
Lulls..

Crashed
And tumbling...
Knowing I will float to come up for air
I just hold my breath
And let the water force and turn me
In it's every whim,
My tiny body,
Lost in the crash and pull..

Hair dancing beneath the surface
In slow frame motion
Classic music entrancing my closed eyes,
As I shut them...
And I let the ocean take me...
The noise of crashing roars
Becomes a melodic classic symphony,
Slow...
Taking me far away
To another place...

Where I meet you.
And you are standing there..
Waiting...

The ocean surrounds and throws me beneath in it's toil...
But as I surrender,
It's arms liquid,
Are yours that hold me.
And as my hair whips,
It is your grip that grabs me..
And as my body flips,
It is your hands that force me...

Your body
And strength,
A force engulfing completely.
Your grip,
The entire ocean beneath surround..

And I find myself floating
In what seems to be an endless breathless tumbling
But somehow,
I am in the peace...
My breath to cease needing oxygen
As I tumble and stand
In time...

As the liquid
Engulfs and surrounds me,

So that entire body of water,
Is you,

And I surrender
Under your force.
Under your pull and grip...
Floating me
To where I need to be...

Coming up for air
Eventually...

Not ready yet,
To leave my Triton
Of Gods.

I do not know you...
But I let you sing me...
Move me,
In your motion..

Your liquid body..

And it is all the knowing I need..

You,
As moments
Of you,

As moments
Of us...

As moments
Of
Every unknown.

That is why,
In your body,
I float, hearing nothing
Above the surface,
Nothing

Out there.

I lose myself to the peace
Of the pull

Of the mystic deep...

Hiding deep, penetrating all
Every atom
Holding
The key.

Floating.
Peace in serenity...

Listening to the vast deep
And the awe of how
I am a tiny body
Floating in the all of God...

So much to know...
And so much to touch...

And then there's you...
Not really of my world
Or are you?

Crashing.
I see you
As a great body of water,
And waves crashing...

Waves I hear from a distant shore...
Calling to me..

Beckoning in lulls...

And I let the ocean
Swallow me whole...

In the peace,
The no breath,
The vast mind,
And your body,

I
Am

Home.

The Growing Rowan

Kisss me..
If I were to indulge,
You would kisss me...
Hands coming up the back of my neck where his were instead,
Your grip, your spark,
Your taste,
Eating me...
Drinking me,
Devouring...all of the mine,
That I make yours...

As hands reach out and grip my being,
I close my eyes,
And they are all yours "Daddy"-
Can't tell him why...
Don't know..
Don't know
Why I have made them all yours..
But,
I have,
And you eat me, devour me, in the space between.
Body and heart trembling in wait..
Your fingers straggling over my being,
Dragging over my flesh..
Craving the all of something
All demons screech at me to put down
Feeling,
It is only a sound,
A dream,
Where u and I can abide to our life,
Where I lay in your bed..
And let you take me,
Without ever,
Giving me back.

It's an air.
A lostness close between souls,
Undetermined,
& undefined...
But it is you,
Ever present, heart
Mind
Body somehow..
Soul..

And I shout and cry and scream to the God's against crashing waves,

Seeing your face in
EVERYTHING...

But how...
Can this be?

Even I...
Don't know!

Even I, my Chase,
Don't know.

And as much as I would like to attribute all to false adoration,
To dreams being weaved,
And fantasy's being cast...

There is something in you that stirs me..
Like old soul, and Irish gaiety over ale...
Like winds sweeping across time, space, connecting me there...
You...
That heart...
That I can or can not know...
I don't know...

But I feel
Something..
Not sure if it is mine,
Yours,
Ours, but it is a magic..
Intrinsic, deep,
Penetrating,
Devouring,
Enveloping...
And there is something in me
Just done
Over you!!
What a fool!

What a fool as fools are sold.
Speaking In silly past lives old..

Thinking of you..
Here,
Inside something in me
Deep..

And I haven't been able to get you out..
Not you...
Want to..
But not you...

Something about
You...
Something I love,
That I just won't let go of...

And I haven't exactly told you
That I can feel you
Across time
Across space...

Because I am not sure it is you, over I..
Not sure the us is
Never a lie..

But it's like breath, I soak up from your being..
However sad, lost, hurt you are,
For some reason where you lay,
My soul rests in a peace
In your underneath,
And I feel blanketed... Solaced..
Rested,
As if home..
However far
You are...

And I know...
It is silly..
Saying that over and over again
Trying to plow it in...

But it won't sink!
It won't sink.
Because there is something intrinsic,
Deep,

Here,
Between you,
me, the worlds,
The mystery...
The magic, the mystic,
And I want you,
To teach me.. Love me..
Take me..
Out of this life..
And the mundane..
Because it stretches, reaches far
Across plains

Where there is something deep.
Beyond. Boundless.
Without limits..
And I want to taste,

What I know,

Will be the Death of me.
Foolish..
To chase death like she is a prize...
But I chase you,

Because you are mine.
For the centuries.
For THIS time..
And then,

I will drink you,
And u may devour me,
And then...

I will die.

City Lights

I could eat up this city
And it's industry
Swallowing it
Completely,

And in the lights,
I see the Santa Barbara air,
Walk and shops,

And it's like swallowing magic drops..
The air of memories
And him once upon a time next to me
And the early discovery
Of innocent travel-
Night life like eclectic shops for the rich,
And subtle dim lighting and trim
Accenting
The magic there
The ocean air..

And how I can sit
In this La Brea traffic

And take in the lights ahead,
Swallowing and engulfing

All that's said,
Between vicinities; worlds...

Seemingly miles and distances apart,
But flowing, touching it,
Drinking it...

Never too far.

The lights,
I breathe...and they take me...
Take me there...
Take me
Where I want to go...

Breathing it in
Is seeing it...
Being it...
In it....there...here...

And I know
I could swallow this city whole...
Taking it in...
Breathing it out...
Coming out
Stilettos,
Stage,
Audience.
World lit showcase.

Not a matter of if,
Because the lights breathe to me,
Sing to me,
Impart my prophecy...

And I swallow them,
As I mastecate the places I see
Emersed in a very real vision before me.
All the lights and romance of the world,
And places,
I will ever see...
In this life...

And the dream is romantic..
Miraculous,
And the most magical version
I have ever seen...

Glimpsing
A girl's unrealistic dream...
And embracing it
Beyond the wildest imagining
Possible...

Present Master

He triggered me,
And I cried....

I cried after being angry,
And then I just cried.

It came in a flood,
All at once,
Unexpected...

And I thought about Dad, and
I thought about more,
And I cried harder...
Tears flooding...

So much more.

You can not make someone love you,
You can not make them try...
You can ask them to see you,
But it is up to them and their why.

And I just feel it,
The gourd in my throat,
As I cry wanting to scream it out,
The sadness
In masses,
The lump becomes a pain, and I can't talk, tell or scream,
And as I cry, it feels in vain,
Because nothing
Is getting it out.

I cried. Hurt. Tried.
Tried.
Feels like I'm let down
Every time....
Ever having
To raise myself, rise
From the ashes, ashes,
That burn me down.

Ever having to go through the transformation
Of releasing my pain now...
Ever shifting,
Ever dying,
Sometimes doing it alone...
But when I am not, it is the Angels
Come and gone
And not the people whom I love so much or that love me....
It is the angels, that keep me free,
That stay with me...
For all others,
Come
And go...
At some point,
Or another...
And it is in my nature to release or cling
Release
Or cling...
And I do what I know I have to.
Crying to release the rain,
Before another day,
As the clouds clear away,
After tears shed.
The being in me cries,
The angels in me rise,
And the master is ever present
Observing
Observing
All the tides.

Through Me

Abundance,
Take me in like you are breathing Life
Into me.

Vastly sweeping oceans,
I am across all planes

Ever available
Returning home
In your grace,
As your grace
With my Wings free
Once more.

Never a day
Like today-
When one can simply turn
And meet face
With their inner Divine,
Scraping away
More and more
Everyday
Being more and more

Of the Unmoved Light.

I see my rays,
Stretching vastly beyond,
Nothing to contain them quite the same,
As I shed this body of armor
That I have accumulated over the centuries.
I break
Old cycles
Like Holy Graces being performed as miracles...
And I can honestly say,
That I am the Light of Heaven.

And I can honestly say,
That I am the Body of God.

Hope
Is returned through me
As my pathways of receiving
Are widened.
Emergence is the gift I give to those seeking.
Miracles,
The promise I hold...
Endless love,
Our heir; our birth right.

Abundance,
Sweeping into me
As the life and breath of God,
Sweeping me up
Into the Heavens..
Where I dance and ascend,
Before returning down,
And bringing the Light of God
With me.

Thank you.
Thank you...
For only this...only heaven,
And now,
As I breathe....
All light passes through me...
Reaching beyond..
...and I hold

Your hand.

Obsession

My obsession lies
Tangled
In your tips my love,
Your lips I long for...

You and I
On some distant sea shore

You and I
Bare and naked and stripped
To this life...

Running free
Leaving
It all behind.

My obsession lyes
In your eyes,
Not the ones I see,
But the ones that see me,
That I feel through,
To gain grasp of you.

It is an illusion, a dream
And as Maya clouds,
You and I ascend..

Never afraid to love,
Nor to give,
Nor,
To take a stand.

My obsession lyes
In this mechanizing hand-
The one that shadows all fates,
With fear, labels, "takes"...

And HE will forever
Be the carrier of our fate,
Knowing
Now,
You could never want me more.

My obsession lyes in
The lure, the obscure
The far away and painted...
The "can't have's"
And my calls to "bluff" it...

My obsession lyes
In some painted time-mess-warp
Between souls just trying
To sing,
And feel,
And touch,
And hold,
Before
All walls
And fires
Go up,
Ablaze...

You and I, my Love...
A silly fate...
A silly fate...
Obsession.

Illumination's Resting Place

Kiss my cheek,
My eyes close
Resting my soul
Into relaxation.

You do not have a face,
But I see you,
Sweeping my hair away
And gazing into me,
Seeing me...
Seeing me...
Loving...
.. Me.
I see you sweeping away
The man where he lay
In my bed-
No promise of tomorrow Divine.

I see you,
Holding my soul,
Entrenching.

I am tired this morning,
Needing to rise,
Tired,
With heavy eyes...

Kiss me.
On my cheek...
I close my eyes,
And rest
Into relaxation.

I close my eyes,
And I see the light...
Rays vast,
Stretching beyond
Anything I can see left..

Searching,
And looking for its source...
Until I look down...

Me..
The light is coming from me.
My chest.
You.
Your kiss.

And me..inside...

You kiss me.
I close my eyes.
And fall
Into the deep within...

And all I see is the brightest,
Most beautiful Golden light...
Angels and Divine,
All Consuming,
All Vast,
All entrenching...

I know it is
The Light of God,
I know it is
What's in me
When I close my eyes.

Your kiss, now, a vision,
Apparition..

But I know you are real...
I know u have a face here,
A place here,

And I await...

Not longing...
But I close my eyes
And rest into relaxation..

Your place to me,
Is within
Until we meet.

I see you.
I know you.
Though I do not see
Your face.

The Body of God

Sands of time unwind
In the now,
Each grain, a present-
A presence.
A soul.
A light.
A stand.
This is God,
The each.
The you,
And the me.
The them and the rest...
Matter, life
In any
Of its forms.
In the stars, the ethers,
The invisible.

Like Love.

Yet everything
Resonates
Leaving
The trace of perfection behind,
stamped,
Imprinted...

Imprinted
And recorded.
And laid away somewhere
In this concept they call
The Mind of God
Laid away somewhere in Akashia..
Laid away enough for us to hold
Massive collective
And personal 100% recall,
(Merely untapped)...
Let's call it:
The Quantum Impression
-the matter that resonates in an individual's or group's quantum field, aka, Aura.
And so it lay,
Leaving pathway to trace
Back
Into the no-time;
That which
We call "Past".

But there is no "time" really
In the mind of God,
Because time only ever truly exists
(Or can exist)
In
The Now.
And the NOW.
And the now.
And the NOW.
Get the point?
Time being only:
A collection of every "now" that existed.
So it is a concept. and therefore a thing, but not matter,
As WE know it.

NOW,
I am here.
Channeling.
Holding.
holding hands with what they call "the angels"...
So I call them that too..
It works.

But
It's all the same.
Holding hands with them is holding hands with you
Is holding hands with the Divine.
With the Holiness.
With the Grace.
With God...

And here,
Now,
I climb the tree of Life,
Because
"I say so"...
And I reach the top and peek the valleys green and vast beyond
NOW,
I hold present, and hold conscious view of heaven
Without even an eye closed.

And if that is not God...
Not God in it's vast miracle
Ever present, all the time...
Ever HOLDING space for us,
Quantumly,
For some MIRACULOUS
Memory, imprint-
Word of wisdom, or book-
Judge of new morale, or nature...
And how as such the iChing came to be,
As but nature ever observed
Through the present moment;
Through the now.
Through the "No-Time".

Who are we being
When we keep secrets?
When we mistake & fall?
When we don't know how to get out of something?
Who are we, but God,
In our present...? Ever learning,
Ever growing, ever choosing
If we will at least honor
THAT MUCH of the truth?!

God is here.
I know this because I see this;
Experience the miracle of myself
As some vast creativity machine,
Ever coming up from within,
Remembered, traced,
Quantum impressions,
Re-shaping into the new
As Now.
And re-shaping into the NOW,
As new.
So it is not that we never come up with something Original...
No...
It just may be that what we trace often is not OUR original.
BUT
I watch myself do original everyday
In the way
I paint and portray,
In the way I write, dipped only in the essence of my pen,
My ink-
MY specific soul trace of God.
God & I
Create mylife
As me.....
Everyday.
I think
That
Is pretty Original.
Just as I think, and so is Love.
And how there will never be
Another "time" (Now)
Where you will hold THIS FORM of God
And I will hold "THIS" form
And we will Love in THAT form-
The bond between the two of us
As a one-time-only
Limited edition
Of GOD.

That bond,
We all love,
Because it is.

We
Are the one-time-limited edition
Of the Presence (of God)

As
Our Life-
Who we'll be,
How we will be
And why we will be.

And without the Now
We can never be.
Without the presence, the sitting still,
Without the inner look, or the watchful observer,
We will never remember
That no matter who we are choosing to be..
GOD doesn't abandon us
But we abandon God-
Every time we forget
That WE are the ever powerful creators..
We leave
The now
By taking a dip in the illusion,
The Maya, the Dream...
And this dream states, that we are innately separate from of creator.
But inherently, our soul
Is pulled to oneness
From WITHIN of all places...,
So I ask any,
HOW CAN IT BE,
That we are separate at all from the channel of the divine,
If we ALL,
Carry the CALL
From Within?!

The only answer,
Is that we impede our ability
To receive eating the call at all...

But it has been my experience,
That once you break through,

Or until the call
Becomes a Siren,
And WHEN you do,

It is a number,
You will forever be able to dial again.
And receive again.

For it IS our inherent nature
To stir within and analyze...
And this,
So innate,
Is the very sense of consciousness
That unlocks
The gateway into
Knowledge,
Reverence,
Understanding,
Analysis,
Intuition,
And all of the vast
Mind blowing phenomenon
That I simply like to call now,
The BODY of God.

Orphan

"Craving for meat, stretched out before me...like an orphan miraculously found herself, at a welcomed table of food. Looking. Waiting. Eyes across the table...waiting to be told...there's been some mistake. I know it's not real, but it's here...and I can almost taste it...scared however when I reach, it will be made apparent, that my presence here, is nothing short of their cruel joke."

God Leaves Us Crumbs

Gosh.
Not so excited anymore.
No, not between the war.

Tired. Bare-boned.
Gaaah!-
The grace of letting go!
Knowing,
I could make it smooth, but,
Not knowing how
In my uncontrolled UNwant to.
None of it makes sense
Because life isn't meant
To be so predictable...
And that is why instead,
It just leaves you a trail of crumbs.
I
Am finally starting to pick up on this.
And where my crumbs don't lead me today, they may lead me tomorrow...
But where they lead me today
Is, yes,
Where I need to stay...
That is...
Until the day changes.

The Train

I love you.
Thank you for forming a friendship w me;
For being
Gentle,
And kind...
With no agenda but the obvious and intended.
Thank you for making your intentions known,
And for telling me you miss me.
For talking to me everyday,
And not being afraid,
Even though,
There seems so much to fear.
Thank you
For swooping me up,
And being my knight,
Amongst thieves; wolves.
Thank you for holding me tight, giving me a chest to breathe on, a love to run to,
Before I even knew where I was headed.
Thank you for seeing me.
For laughing in the midst
Of Us,
You & I
And everything that comes out,
Day by day,
Ever keeping my intrigue.
Each day,
I have been afraid,
You will slip away, that I will hurt you...
But each moment we meet again,
I love you more,
Finding myself saying it in my head,
And I know it's crazy,
But I know you are saying it too;

Even crazier.
I have unsettled business, and skeletons,
And I am just trying to part them enough that nothing I do- no foolish mistake,
Will break us, before there is even a "We".
But...
My cauldron is boiling,
And boiling over,
For another...

And I
Just don't know how to temper these "demons"
Because I am not sure that is what they are.

So..
Each day,
Is what it is, calling forth
A new faith.
Calling forth,
That which will emerge...
And there seems to be a smart choice in all this...
But I am not always such a smart girl...
And I am torn..
Between
My two worlds,
Worlds away.

I do not want to say goodbye with any piece or being of my soul...for I have tasted him...and he, at his moments,
Moves the earth in me and trembles my core...
...but in You...
No one deserves it more...

So thank you...
Not for being second, but for so badly wanting to come in first.
For running the race, knowing I might not feel the same,
And for being so steady and steadfast,
That you are turning,
Even the gaze of this beguiling fawn away...

But...

Beguiling fawn likes her worlds away...
And so day
By day,
I make my play,
And I know I need to watch carefully..

Watch myself.
Because yes,
I love you,
But
While I am still busy,
Loving
Someone
Else.

Tight Walk

Ready
To sound out the tunes in my mind...
Playing it small, playin for keeps,
Stead of just sitting,
Watching, being,
Breathing,
Believing.
The taint in me,
Ever-sound,
The roar in me,
Ever loud,
And I see myself spittin,
Game,
To the crowd,
Watchin em
Grow loud,
As I stand,
And take a stand, podium or a mound,
Soul grows so loud,
All I need now,
Is a my little soapbox,
And a crowd,
Of millions...
Will she ever be?
Ever be everything..

Everything,
She's wanted to be...
Unleashed force of lethal idolatry...

Cuz, ya, that's right,
I have
My God.
My God & Me,
And nothing seems to sound,
Like my soul
Against a new cloud,
The background of some melodious beat,
Some new tale, and new whisping motions in me,
When I hear
The melody...
When I hear
It move oceans in me,
And they expect me to speak,
Be a big girl now,
To a crowd
Ever frightened, ever afraid to be-
All of us growing up now,
Balancing the tight walk
Of in between,
The right walk of fate and destiny,
The tight walk,
Of everything
Ever gathered,
In you, in me,
In our lives,
Our mother's, and all the tears and reasons why,
They hold all our cries...
Our lovers, and how they substitute
For the lack in our lives...
And spitting
Is believing in God,
Believing in the beauty
That outlasts
All the lies,
Labels,
Illusions
Owning pieces
Of each of our souls!
Spitting
Is believing,
The raw form of God
Through art,
Nothing beautiful,
Just created. Just being!
Raw, in it's story telling and story told,
In it's excursions and dreams,
Raw in its presence and denounced "have" to be's!
You see, cuz when I spit,
The earth shatters through me,
Raining down all judgements now,
Proving now,
No good,
No bad,
Just who
And what
we are...
And if
We could just for once take an honest look at our souls,
We would understand the trite,
And lessen the fright...
We would lay down the tears, and worries,
And know that that which we WANT,
Will come to pass.
We would be free to love, and to be loved,
And we would learn how to let go gracefully,
As a responsibility we carry,
To the freedom of others;
Every soul,
Our responsibility,
And
Our responsibility not...
The honesty will feed
Our compass,
And the truth will hold our grace,
One man tells me he loves me,
And I dream of another man's face.
And I see, the tight rope,
But I can't tell if I'm still walking it,
Or if this had been all but a dream.
Ever feeling like I've fallen,
Yet ever knowing love,
Ever losing and regaining love of self,
Like a game of roulette
Every
Time.
They pull at my wounds
Dancing in psalms,
And I weep, letting them,
And stroke the hand of a fate I paint dark, black,
But I know,
Deep down, beneath,
I am
Only light,
And I see the light in souls
Mirrored back to me
Like a kerosine Lantern,
Flame encased.
Never escaped.
No matter how dark
It gets
In there.
It gets dark
In here,
And as I juggle fate
And walk this tight rope of dark and heavy to my left
Light and Fairy, to my right,
I hold in my heart the burden,
As if my plight
Is humanity's.
As if for what they renounce,
I carry...
I know this now.
See this now...
About me.
About this tiny frame
Of a gargantuan Angel...
And it is a lot
I contain
Within.
Driving. Dry Heaving.
Just breathing.
And walking

This tight-rope of fate. . .

Winter Rune

Hands raised before me,
I reach them to the sun,
And scratch the sky-

Imagining paint trail
Where my claws are laid,

The tips of my fingers,
The strokes of fate.

My fingers drip.
Drip and long..

And I'm trying to taste this,
Trying to put my finger on it,
Trying to understand
What the wind is telling me...

But it is slow...,
The revealing in the Season of Snow,
Is always long,
Always internal,
Something...
Calling us back home...
And I,
Caught between two worlds.

Longing
And Having.

Feeling
And Seeing

Control
& None.

I am the Watcher.
And the Havoc Reeker...

The Master
And his enemy...

Self
Watching Ego,

And ever
Getting caught in between.

Jazz Cloud

Like my life,
My genius rambles on bumbling keys
Playing that jazz melody,
In chaos, I've said I despise...
You know,
That one melody that's different every time,
Because it is the chaos; the sound that just plays through
That one time...
The jazz that is noise?!

But I feel it-
The drift through it,
Playing the trillions of tempos that mimic heartbeats
In all their moments.

I feel the chaos chasing
And racing against time-
Running
As if, if it doesn't go fast enough,
It will catch up...
It will run out...

I
Don't know what
I am doing
Each day...
But letting it
Ramble on by...
The chaos of my mind engorging any Discipline
That was once wired there.
Now...
Everything's a blur...
A cloud around my head,
Like heading away from a bomb.
Just stumbling through rubble
Trying to find any-one,
Anything,
That I can understand,
Beyond this explosion.

Trembling Prayer

"Spirit...
Lift me up.
Wipe away these tears.
Shed this fear, from my heart.
Let the light shine in on my darkness
And open all windows,
All doors,
To The All of You,
My Great Omnipresent Divine.
The vibration of your Pink energies,
Gold and Whites,
Your Luminescence
In me,
As me,
As I breathe...
As I release...
As I fight against all the resistance to see,
To see still.
To see YOU..
To see you,
"My Lord"...
I can feel my heart shaking. Trembling.
Perhaps even the secrets of it wriggling out,
And I pray.
I just pray, and cry
Grateful & Scared.
"Unworthy" and scared...

"Show me the way,
Show me the light".

Trembling...

Ever afraid to fail. Epic tale.
Some story told
Millions of times before me.

Trembling,
That I can somehow
Lose sight,
Somehow...
Take that fall from Grace...
...from Your Grace, my Beloved God...
My Lord.

I know
Any suggestion
That I have failed you...
Is an illusion...

I also know,
It is not an illusion,
That I have failed myself.

And I am scared of the fall...

So lift me.

Lift me high, up, and out of here!
Take me into the place
Where none of these dark illusions are real...

Because they are very real here...
But I want to see
From the temple within.

Want to see from the Golden Light
Of my inner shine...

I just
Want to know You!
Want to live again,
In your light;
In the illumined sight,
Touch,
Of everything You know....
Because I know deep within...

I
Know
It
Too..

The Way of Faces

Love goes out,
Let it shine.
Let it shine as my branches stretch
In directions of all Divine.
I take it in, in breath
Holding it
For sunset,
My trunk waiting
Before letting it all out
To rest.
There is you
In me
Here...
Every face
Where I stand
Loving me now.
As I love thee.
No separation...
On this hill, during this brazen day...
No separation between illusions
Of miles away...
No separation in labels...labels...always
"Owned"
In labels....
Here,
I stand,
The Sun with us,
As I reach out
To love you,
Where you stay...
Loving all,
Just between
Them
&
I....
Uniquely
Of God,
And of the God-Stream of Love
That flows as
OUR River...
You & I....
He wants to chain me...
I want to Love Free...
Free to be loved...
And so this caged bird
Recognizes
The illusion of a cage
At all.
For I am Free...
But whom ever I choose
"Must also..
Choose me"...

The Sun sets,
And through my branches we see now
The brazen orange and reds
Of the fire, the passion, and the tangibility of Sex
As the Goddess call of energies
Unhampered...
And this is why
The Oh-So-Mighty-Goddess
Does indeed need
The Mighty Father
To balance...
The Wisdom
The Tempered Understanding
The Patient Time...

I lay my Goddess down for a day,
And relieve the girl holding her
Hosting her,
To lay back...
Breathe,
Take in...
See...
The illusion....
That anything she need or want
Is anything but right where she stay.

You see,
I STRIVE
EVERY-Day
Just trying to temper my own hurricane,
My own storms that rattle the bars of a cage I'd thought to always be there...

The cage: merely my desires...
Merely,
That which I am attached to...
Merely,
That which I want...

My Father says: "stop wanting"...and I know as his Daughter of Spirit,
Father
Is right...
But I do not know how to tame storms this night,
And so
I am set out, on a new mission.

To be a Goddess
Under my Father.

To be the Balance
Between worlds...

To tame in me,
What has never been tamed before...

To learn
The Way...

And to watch
Who'll stay
.
.
.

The Room of Self

Dear Cave,
Swallow me whole!
Eat me up and absorb me into your dark mystery..
Overturn my soul.
Merge, like windy mists, whisping towards me
Longing to play and grab and pull into my body,
As if my flesh were but an apparition;
As if they are dancing spirit hands healing energies right out of me.
Dear Face,
Meet me half way.
Be the mirror to my soul, the blank reflection forming images
As if through you,
I am scrying.
Reading every taste,
Every choice,
Every reason why...
And knowing,
It is me,
I am seeing
After all.
Take me in. Breathe me. Pull me apart and re-assemble me,
Piece by piece...
In tangible love;
Love that is felt, healed, sealed
In tender,
Patient,
Time,
Caress.
Let the cave, your face,
Be my initiation
Into my soul.
Into the all of me, finally,
Like walking into a room that has been waiting centuries for your solitude...
A room
That has been awaiting my long arrival;
Waiting for me.
When I close my eyes...
I see this room.
It was never there before...
But today,
When I close my eyes,
There it is.
Await!
As if the veil of Avalon has been lifted,
And I can see again,
What was always there.
The veil is the psalm of the quiet white-gray against the light mists of a fading rainy day...
Where there is peace...
In watching the world rain. There is peace in the quiet, the pattering all there is to this moment.
Mother feeding.
Nature in still, silent grace, and receiving!
It is like nothing
I have ever
Seen.
She patters stronger now, harder now, and I know she's got something to say...
And I,
Like every blade,
Do partake,
In this ritual rights.
I do receive.
Acknowledging in crushing grace,
The frailty
Of a gift like this
Anyday!
Humbly bowing.
Knowing today I receive
Another day
Of life...
Sitting,
Amidst the rain,
Breathing like its Oregon air...
Seeing,
The quiet dance
Of nature & son.
Of daughter & earth!
Of life,
And yes,
Of death.
She is gracious.
Let us be grateful
For how she gifts us...
Never,
Being
Impervious
Again...
For SHE
Of all,
Is our mother...
And SHE
Of all,
Is really,
JUST YOU...

Ostara

Sprouting
Out of a toxic soil
Out of a hard adobe dirt...
I feel the strain to grow,
Like life, wind, pressure, pushing against my delicate core.

I am stretching!
Reaching for the heavens,
In ways unbelieved
Unseen...
Each day,
A different shine,
A different shade,
A different breeze of windy spirits
In their marches and aisles
And drumbeats.

I am this tiny, frail emerging
Protected somehow
Against harsh rains,
Drought..
Protected amongst
Everyday threats, changes...
Ever
Reaching high
Somehow.

I've got a long way to grow,
But the truth is,
It only takes
A Season.

Dying Star

There are crumbs in my bed;
I want a simple life..

She is in a box..meant to be buried
Still on my altar

And I know what it's like to contain the storms of hurricanes
And to shield it within a tiny human frame
That more moments than not,
My body feels to implode...

I
Have
Been
Wrong

To forget to see...

What my savior revealed to me tonight.
How I am force;

Energy..

Neither good nor bad,
The matter-

Rather,
What is it that I am trying to contain?

I am full.
Ready to burst..

Like a dying Star.

Clusters
Contained within my quantum field
As matter...
Neither good,
Neither bad...

I've had it in me my whole life,
This war of demons and angels...

But I don't want to see the seperation anymore.
I
Am
FULL

Casting Runes

Today, as many days lately...off. Not quite what I'm used to when I'm in my flow.
Thing of it is, I feel the need to just let it out! All the truth! Said my way! No-one else to have a say over MY WORD! Not an opinion, or judgement! Not any piece of advice or direction to go in!
Encountered lately: so many opinions of what I should and shouldn't do! For God's sake, would u people just listen for once!?!
Truth: I miss him. Can't stop thinking about him! And I know it is nothing short of foolish!
Realization: I fucking loved her! I mean truly, I gave her the best of everything I had to give! And the DAMNED truth is that at the end of that 2 & a half year DAY, I have (barely) ever felt so worn, tattered and betrayed! And worse, I see how much guilt and blame comes up against my own self at allowing me to be loved that way!
Truth: my stepmother really did tell me I was alone when I was verging suicidal.
Truth: my dad really hasn't been there for me mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually the way he portrays. And I've been afraid to get mad at him, because he is my only sane parent! But looking, seeing, my mother is still here for me in ways he just is not, and has never cared to be...which honestly, talk about a surprising revelation!
True: I am livid right now! Livid at the abuse, at the use, at the non-chalance.
Not believing I could love somebody mind, body, soul, only for them to drink me up dry, steal away my life-force and leave me as good as dead, but not before kicking me one more time! Or two, or three...
Truth: this is what loving kyra did to me!
I could have sworn my heart had been ripped right out in the midst of panic attacks she provoked! And I was ready to die amongst her cruelty , and twisted mind that fucked mine solely, just up!
Kyra tought me that a good dog deserves any abuse rendered. Unprovoked- unwarranted!
And now the b!tch acts like I am psycho cuz I'm finally mad about it???
At least I can snap out of my mind warp...at least I can be honest even over the ugliest things:
Truth: I have been a victim! Was raised a victim! So what?! I'm growing out of it, so bite me! And yes, when you use that word, it enrages me! Because no being deserves to have their dirtiest laundry shoved in their face!
Truth: I'm fucking sad!
I truly don't understand the faul heart of humanity in matters of love especially. I truly can not comprehend how SHE could be so cruel against every patient moment I took her verbal abuse, or passive punishment, or controlling hands on me so I could not move or walk away, but rather, she'd force me to take it! Until I clawed my way out that is--learning to fight and hit back.
Truth: I am disheartened. I just wanna be a girl to love. After everything, you'd think that wasn't the most I could ask...but I know some of us are dealt our Hand of fate, and up until now, being loved as I love, NOT YET in my cards; not now. Perhaps soon.
Truth: I hate her! I'm pretty mad at my mom! Pretty livid with my dad! Pretty pissed in general! I felt like a boy today, so rare, in the need for blood and beating! I judged myself for feeling this way, but goddamn, do I know the b!tch deserves it!
Truth: I made a mistake I think! and now I don't really know, cuz he's pulled away..
Truth: I realized today, I have spent my entire life, being a martyr. In career! In love! In relationships! In my victimization, low self worth, and humanitarian passion... All however, sacrificing me: my own peace, my own happiness, my own salvation...and the scary part...I'm afraid I can't stop it, but holding faith.
Truth: I think I actually like him.
Truth: you can't rely on anybody but yourself!
Truth: Everybody will let you down, if you let them.
Key: Expect they will, and they just might surprise you!
Judgement: I am a stupid, foolish girl, deserving of all the struggle and bad shit no matter how purely I give and steady love!
Truth: I hate myself now, probably as a reflection and mirror of how much I hate them!
But you know...I am actually at peace...processing...for now.
Soon I will have to RE-PROGRAM this shit, so I don't get stuck and caught in it, any longer than I have been!
Agenda: I need to clear all my martyrdom pictures!
My say: "fuck you for pretending to be things you are not"
That's for everybody I hate right now!
That's for the world, and it's indiscipline! For the pain, and its inexcusable claim to linger, sustain, carry...I am still genuinely so surprised, so much pain, exists in the world today: pain of self, pain of circumstance, pain as the many and crazy forms of love, loss, grief, abuse, solitude, unworthiness, detriment, punishment...I mean literally, this is the second time I've spoken with her in the last month + and both times, I am like a fried hair ball! Seriously stunned, as if stoned and gone far away...a deer in the headlights...just, shock...and awe, and then there's the thought! The non-understanding, of how much pain, how many fucked up things we occur and do to eachother... There's also just the literal stunned shock, that any of these crazy mean people, are real? Like really?! I really don't even know how to digest that it's real? That love, and the promise of marriage, has twice turned into abuse for me. That these people that could be so one faced and perfect, had a whole other side, like hiding a murderer in their attic.
Truth: now...I'm just taking it and making it a day at a time.
Good news: I am finally feeling fine about my rage, my vulnerability, who I am being even if misunderstood. I am finally re-defining and coming to terms with this crazy ending, this new beginning, and me stuck, still navigating between!
Bad news: I'm weak. enraged. Full of hate and livid, which is not where I want to be..not really...
I am happy on my Sunday afternoon
Happy in my peace with no one asking me to be somebody else...
Because the truth: is I REALLY do love me! I really do! And I am so goddamn proud of myself considering.
And I have been loved, and only after asked, demanded, and commanded to change...
But I like me, as I am...
And knowing others do too...to the point of life altering gratitude, I don't understand, why I have settled being loved by somebody with not the sight to see The Light...
In me, in life...
To really see it the way it is.
Truth: I just want to be a girl to be loved!
Truth: I am not afraid! I know I will get this someday- along with many of my other dreams and visions coming true!
Truth: I just have to keep going strong.
Truth: I have to let her actions and ugly words, just go...but I don't know if I'm quite there yet...but I need to be. So I guess I will be soon!
Truth: I get so tired of holding all this in...and I just need an audience...and I just need an outlet...and for the RIGHT love, I am, definitely willing to wait.../ play :)...
And so it is...everything I wanted to say, and finally, just fucking did!
(Truth:) "everything" for NOW anyways l

Tigers

Tears & years escape her face
She silently hides away
Wipes the use
From its place.

She puts on a strong facade
To embargo Honor
Amongst thieves,
Too many moments
Eyes open in her sleep...
Ready anytime
For the knife...
Ready anytime,
For her use to have exceeded
It's stay...

Playing a game for honor
Only to conclude
None stay where she lay.

Goddess DrumBeat

I wanna walk wildly in the terrain
Bare, naked
Feet free
To run
Into the unknown,
And breathe it, feel it,
Dance it.

Put the reigns in my grasp,
And let me slap them
That this world delivers
At my feet.

There is no reason,
An animal such as I,
Should ever be beat...

So let me beat instead for the all of humanity
As one foot pounds
And the ground trembles-
As the other foot sounds
And hearts begin to shake and
Beat, beat, beat
To the drum
Of Goddess Feet!

The Earth trembles beneath me;
A collaboration
Between worlds...
And she steals me, sets me free
In her vital energy
As I run
And pick up pace!

The face
Of her
Carries in me...
Like Goddess drumbeat
And everything, everywoman
Has never managed to shake off:
Her Own
Internal
Power,
Ever present, ever thine-
A niche that never a war
Has been won over...
A suppressed beast,
That has indeed only grown more ravenous with time!
She whisps in me
Like catching winds
Ever to carry my spirit free
From this plane.

Speaks to me in gentle hymns
As guitars sing the lullaby's
Of my pain,
She grazes my skin sincerely
Giving me strength again,
And now I Rize, Rize, Rize
From the fire in between
Fanning the smoke of ash and flame
And ushering in
A New Tribal Sound!
Drumbeat!
Crowd!
Tribal Seed.
Ushering in
A new sound.
A new race!
Goddess Breed!
Tribal Seed.
Goddess feet!
Beat!

Your Road

I will touch and caress your face,
Before saying goodbye-
Give you the honor
You have long since believed
Was dirtied and unworthy
Of the love you seek.
I see you,
As a tear escapes your eye;
As you turn your back to me,
I understand why.

The road
As I look in the distance
Holds hope
Like an oil painting of some mystery
Captured in the mind's imagination.
Your road,
Away from me...
Your road,
A little more bleak..
Only because it's not what I want to see..
But seems to be the have to
Amongst our affair.

It is like me
To swoop in,
And try to save...
It is like me to capitulate
Evening gaze of soul
Accidentally untold
Until a moment too late.
And now,
I see I have to rescind
What I have given...
Though no, I never will..

But for you,
I see the need,
To turn
And take my road.
To turn and leave you, sorry,
I took anything at all.
Hoping,
Knowing
That on your road,
You'll
Have it all.
-An evening gaze...
Something I give up to you now,
Contain it to this small shell,
And hand it back over to you.
Once upon a time...
You and I...
And that is all it will ever be...
Because I see;
I know and see fate...
When it's signed over
On it's deals...

This one,
We
Got cut out on..
This one
Ever to remain
In the secret sunder
Of something
Never again.
And never again
To be gained.

Take my shell,
Toss it away.
Keep it.
Hide it.
Light it...
But take my shell,
As I follow this road...
And bid you
Farewell...
Not without first,
Caressing that face,
And taking that last gaze,
Before I turn away.
My Caress for all the things
I will never get to say...

Your road awaits...

Underneath It All

Cigarette smoke
Consumes the house
Of my soul...
Things long lost,
In the choices we bare.
And I'm beginning to see
I just need many nights
Of fresh air.

All, as me

Songs displayed. Mornings lost...
In a good way.

Folding under the tides of blankets
I am kept safe here
Between my God and the rain.

Seeping gently
In the flood
Of channeled waters,
Emotions flowing like outlets,
As a stream trailing the vein of humanity.
My guitar sings my soul
As I reverberate it back-
The talk, a whisper of souls soothing...
An enhancement of strings' harmonies
Setting sunsets in motions
To their very arrival.

The reds ablaze the sky
Carry the torch of Pele's Love, her wrath,
And the death from all days...

But the pink's soothe.
As if carrying the 'winds of change'.

The ocean crashes
In distances away,
But I hear it on my heart,
The melody in my head,
Not far from home at all..

Rather,
Right here. In and as me. The rains sweeping my soul and dancing me as the flight of the winds
that I long to feel again.

As me.

The Footsteps of God

Where does the time fade into?
Rolling hills, engazed enrichments
Lose me
In time,
Scare me
Into what's losable...
Jolt me awake.
Shake.
Like an Earth Quake's racy fate,
Any state,
Any mind,
Any time,
Any day gone!
Never a day for certain!
Time,
Some meshed basket woven,
And I can't figure out if it would be perfect an image, or rather
Off, odd, lopsided.
Confused.
Twisted inside...
Like my entrails
Collaborating as an outside force
To twist me closed.
I know it is a sick attack
On me...
By darkness..
But I want to believe this darkness is me
So as to dispel
Any illusion or threat.
But it is all beyond my reach to say for sure...
I just know what I believe.
That too, sometimes
A little foggy...
When you live yourself
Trying to trace
The footsteps of God...

The Storm & the Boat: The Merciless Sea & me

Writing classics in my thought
Detailing like boats to an ardent sea
Striding, calculating, hating
Every thought on the projection screen!
Seeing so much, always being so much
Sometimes more than I want to be-
Ranting, ravaging like tail wind storms
Heaving, breathless, desperate
Drowning in their hurricanes...

Earth,
A thick, heavy rain that sweeps you away
Man, a cloud we can not even try to forsake, for his thickness and density,
All your light will take!-
Except your inside...
Your exempt from God.
I am Man!

Sad, scared, lost, lonely
The little girl,
On that boat.

I am
All sides,
every twine
In this reel of vine-
This veil of rope
Told
Like a story on a projection sea:
"The Storm & The Boat"...
My subconscious & it's tote...
The little girl,
Somehow,
The key,
In all her uncertainty, and lack of guarantee
Some fragile humanity of hope
Placed in her
By the God she attributes it to.

Desperate and scared,
Not another tare,
Not another scar to a sail
That will barely hold atop!
Not another crossed, tattered drowning
No foot abreath
No hand to reach,
And only nature's merciless wits...
And God.
And that's all ya got!

Tails says she drowns today
Heads says she lives at sea...

Two tales.
Two stories.
Two Gods.
And there's no other side!

Tails she drowns.
Heads,
She lives.
Tails she drowns..
Heads she lives...
Tales.
Heads.

Backstreets & Romance

Baby,
Sweep me,
Of my,
Feet.
See me!
How I am merely a girl with soul,
And not a thing,
To be beat.
Sweep me,
Away
From the deserts here;
Do not be afraid!
Release me
Into you,
That we may take away,
Fly free from this place,
Embody and sweep...
Your life in me deep,
Your courage outlined by charm,
And how I,
Got to see you...
See you in time.
It's been a long time...

I hear the aroar of the beach calling you
Asundering your chaos and black
And giving you life again!
In me,
The whirlwinds extrude as your rebirth,
For I am of Earth,
And we are apparently as one,
As we always will be,
As we always
Have been.
I do not know how this goes,
Accept to speak of my truth that it shouldn't...
But I am not the teller of fate,
Nor the curse that would take it away,
Rather,
I am only here to listen,
However well or unwell,
I do it!

Gentle Familiarity

Familiarity,
Pour into me!
You have a sweet song & a gentle face.
You have a quiet demeanor as our embrace.
Soothe the hair away from my face,
And pull the blanket up over me.
I rest, here, for you now;
No where else to be.
I could die here,
Under you,
The comfort so calm and serene.
Could rest in peace in the subtlety
Of every playful sweet
Gesture, and attitude
Gaze and pull,
Longing and supporting,
Where here,
We are one again.
Just for now.
For now is a moment,
That always passes.

Reality by the throat

I've put down smoking it away...
Left to feel
It All.
Blood boiling,
Temper raging-
Shaking reality by the throat,
Hoping to snap some sense into that
Crazy B!tch!
But....
She just screams, afraid,
Unmoved,
And I have to implode, instead, and
March back to where I came from.
Reality unhampered,
Me dead,
Dying, crying,
Telling myself I will not be beat!
"Fuckkkk You", I scream,
"I will not be beat!"
But reality shows quite, frankly,
A different cause,
As I am immobilized in bed, and counting the days when I will force myself up again!
"I will rise" I cry,
Against this bleak depression
Against this deadening drift!
"I will rise again",
With my Angels, since it is not at the hands of the people I love!
"Fuck" those lies!
That's what they are!
How selfishness turns into my supposed opportunity,
Then fine!
I will accept my fate,
Of making up for this brutal lack of!
Accept this rediculous opportunity
Of doing the work for them!
Accept the ridiculousness of human beings!
Because it's either this or drown!
So fine!
You want me to be the big mature fucking adult! Then fine!
I will!
I'll do,
What you obviously can't!
Because its what I've been asked to do my whole life anyways!
So here's to us!
A big fat fucking toast,
To the work I will put into this relationship,
As you leave me high and dry!
Happy now?
Happy still?!
Good, I guess!
Cheers, to our bullshit!

The X Chronicles: Rated R

Fuck me
Like the poet you are..
Disgust me, in our luscious noir!
Tease me, play me, teach me
As you read me, scream me, feed me!
Your words tantalize and tease me
Of sweet sweat and soft heaving,
Of scraping fingers and hair weaving,
Of hips, and lips, and flesh
Seething...
You read me...
As my body moves, trembles under you-
Caressed
Relaxed in exhales
As I arch my back
Looking for anything to gain grasp
Of what you do for me!
Do to me,
An isn't it exciting?!
Living breaths in romantic sweaty nights
Between the unexpected sights
Of you & me...

Need My Reason

It is a quiet night..
People seem to be out of there homes more than usual, I notice, as I walk the neighborhood,
And see so many dark and un-occupied houses.
I massage the knots in my hand, and arms, and shoulders,
As I hope that the quisy feeling will dissipate with night air.
The pain makes me want to vomit,
And I turn over the lostness that wants to take over.
The smell of some perfect gourmet, from somebody's kitchen,
Envelopes my desires of wishing it was my beautiful home I am walking to;
Some kind of burgundy wine and red meat, perfectly prepared
Waiting on the table with the winning combination of a five-star side dish
Or two
And candles and flowers
To complete the mood.

Instead of walking into the home that would eat me,
I sit out here and smell, and dream,
And hope that the air still has a chance of relieving my pain!
Tonight is one of those nights, I would do anything for take-out..
But even then, that money is a dream.

It's days like this that scare me about tomorrow.
Knowing the pain lulls me to leave this place-
Knowing I'm going to have to find it in me to stand up,
Climb out,
Of this dark underground whole.

I don't want to go in there,
So I do what I always have since childhood around this house.
I skour the neighborhood,
Wander in the slight and perfect chill.

I take my breath and my home outside of this place,
Haunted
With childhood demons.
Sick with compression and dirt.

None of it is worth it to me anymore.
Not like this.
Not this way.

And as I am standing, looking at my rock bottom rubble, I can't help but to wonder if this whole I will be able to close up some day..
And instead of looking at a sky so far away,
I wonder will I be able to stand on the flat grass again...
Once and for all...
Never having to find myself in this
Mind Ditch,
In this death and solitude...
In this dream?!

The headaches alone
Make life not worth it,
But somehow,
They always seem to find
Their way back to me.

I need relief!
Food, love, support, eyes that want nothing more than to give to me...
I need outta here.
I need life;
Most of all, I need a reason why,
I ought to keep going.

The Dream

Dear Mother..
Hold me! Put your arms around me, and tell me through an undiseased spirit that everything is going to be okay!
That you believe in me, and that the world has never been so lucky!
Pinch me awake
From this dream, and this illusion,
Where it is the broken girl that has to
Be the strong one, the adult...
Pinch me awake from holding up this heavy burden
With wobbly legs--
I fight not to drop the world on my back every second
As I long for somebody to just give me a hand
With this load....
I know you
Will never be
The mother I need...
But I see you, as I try to accept
What it is
Between us..
And Father,
I know u can not see me. See my weakness and how it is a struggle in my heart almost daily
To just keep going.
I need somebody, something,
And doing it so alone
Gives me little left to live for,
On top of a life that keeps asking for a strength it takes everything in me to muster up!
Days, so many days,
U just want to give up.
I am doing everything I know how;
Doing everything I can,
And the steps backwards are like knives to healing wounds!
How many days, nights,
Do I have to put on face?
Before I just sink?
And will I sink?
Or will I float without expecting to?!
I am realizing more and more,
More than I ever have before,
What happens to a little girl
When she doesn't have parents...
Parents' love,
Parents' words,
Parents' support
Or their security.
She grows up
Only never to grow up
From the wounds of something never given.
From the worth of something
Never expressed.
In the belief,
That she doesn't deserve anything good...
To a present day where she looks around,
And has to be the parent she never had.
No wonder the Rock looks so lovely.
No wonder any place,
Is better than here...
Inside her,
Where nothing she does will ever bare her,
Her worth.
That love.
Or the mother she needs.
It is something I would do anything for...
But it is also, just an unrealistic
Silly dream.
She will never be
What I need.
And I have to keep going, and see...
See if somehow this will all work out..
See if somehow,
This little girl
Can still get her dream...
Even if deep down,
Her voice says,
She's unworthy.
Will I always be unworthy?!
Or is that something I can change?
Headache,
Go away!
Relieve me! I do not want your company another day!
Reminding me of who I am not!
Of what I don't want!
Of how unworthy u deem me to be!
Just go away!
And leave this little girl
And grown up to be!
I need a life outside of this!
Outside of it all!
So take it from me!
Just leave!
I do not need you,
Anymore!

One Night

The tears in my soul well up,
But they won't fall..
And I just wish they could be the carrier of this black toxin
Right out of my body!

It is sadness, and loss
Abandonment & loneliness,
And though I know it is not me,
It is stuck there!
Sad.
Lonely,
Against the reign of my mother
And my lover lost...
And NOTHING,
Not anything
Can bring them back!

To All My Beloved Readers

In Honor of You!

I just wanted to profoundly say Thank You, for reading my blogs, and going through this journey with me! Last month I had 111 page-views! Not only a high number :) But a truly sacred number!

11 is a Master number! It is to be revered and noticed, often embodying the sense of Life Mastery,
as well as the underlying drive, of "what's next, what do I need to do now?!"
In that, it makes sense that it would be a "Master" number, as, one can never master their life, passion, or purpose without that drive pushing and pushing them!

What's more, 111 (or 1111) is a number signifying Divine Awakening and the opening of a new energetic pathway!

This is Doreen Virtue's iteration of 111:

"An energetic gateway has opened for you, rapidly manifesting your thoughts into reality.  Choose your thoughts wisely at this time, ensuring they match your desires.  Put down any energy into thinking about fears at all, lest you manifest them."

I started this particular blog, as a way to really express my humanity; in all it's spectrum of good, bad, blessed, and ugly!
This blog is a place where I can be me, and not worry about being
The Perfect Partner
The "Have-It-All-Together" Life coach
The Peacemaker
The Hero
The Persona of "Everything is always amazing"

I find, when you are an Empathic nurturing soul, that comes from a trauma ridden background, and still who even may make daily mistakes, regardless of OUR quest of Peace or Mastery,
Life and how it shows up, can be trying, hurtful, unhealed, uncertain, risky, crazy, and any other spectrum of human emotion.

To this day, I struggle with what it is like to not have had a SINGLE adequate parent around to show me, support me, love me, the way I needed.  And for so long I thought that this was in the past...but when I started to notice the inadequacies of my mother show up in my love life...the absence of both my parents emotionally and physically, showing up in the abandonment patterns of my Partners...
I really had to stop everything, and take a good hard look at the things I had been overlooking for years. 
My journey is the journey of a traumatized little girl, grown up too fast, into a world that tried to swallow her. 
But something happened along the way, where both she enchanted the divine, and the divine enchanted her, and it is through my everyday miracles that I have kept going, and have learned to go strong. 
I am truly, finally ascending into my Womanhood now, and with that, my own Mastery over myself and this life!
It is no Coincidence, that I just had my Mastery Seminar this month, and no coincidence that 111 showed up for the month as well!

Quick thing I wanted to share:
One thing I noticed recently about Oprah Winfrey (we share the same birthday- I'm proud), is that this woman is extremely empathic and "sensitive" like me...
Yet she would everyday, go out into the world, and shine her light so bright, millions were touched.
I watched how she did this, and the scary and miraculous part, was that she did it through authenticity! Through being herself, with no remorse (though occasional embarrassment). 
She stated she had never gone to therapy at one point (don't know if that changed)...but i watched as Oprah made millions op people, the people she cried and reached out to.  Oprah's therapy was her TV show.  She made one statement one day when confronting a political figure, "why not tell the truth?!"
Well that is what Oprah did! She always told the truth about herself, which takes courage, and inspires THIS young, abused girl, to tell hers.

It is my hope in this blog, and in expressing my humanity, that many of you will relate to what is needed.  That is why I am doing it!  And that is why I am taking a stand in a difficult hour, to still show my face, even if it drenched in blood, tears, and the victimized feelings I am working to overcome!

One Another note:
I will have a "Soul Channelings" Blog through my work as Ariel Newborn.
This blog will only entail higher wisdom's and truths, of light and love! And it will be for all of you, my beloved people, brothers and sister's alike!

Thank you for seeing me through my humanity, and partaking in the journey of processing out the old negative programs of self,, that I may shed that darkness, and embrace more, my Light Nature!

You have all moved me! And I Thank You and God, from the depth of my committed soul!



Your Lioness of God
Ariel