Casting Runes

Today, as many days lately...off. Not quite what I'm used to when I'm in my flow.
Thing of it is, I feel the need to just let it out! All the truth! Said my way! No-one else to have a say over MY WORD! Not an opinion, or judgement! Not any piece of advice or direction to go in!
Encountered lately: so many opinions of what I should and shouldn't do! For God's sake, would u people just listen for once!?!
Truth: I miss him. Can't stop thinking about him! And I know it is nothing short of foolish!
Realization: I fucking loved her! I mean truly, I gave her the best of everything I had to give! And the DAMNED truth is that at the end of that 2 & a half year DAY, I have (barely) ever felt so worn, tattered and betrayed! And worse, I see how much guilt and blame comes up against my own self at allowing me to be loved that way!
Truth: my stepmother really did tell me I was alone when I was verging suicidal.
Truth: my dad really hasn't been there for me mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually the way he portrays. And I've been afraid to get mad at him, because he is my only sane parent! But looking, seeing, my mother is still here for me in ways he just is not, and has never cared to be...which honestly, talk about a surprising revelation!
True: I am livid right now! Livid at the abuse, at the use, at the non-chalance.
Not believing I could love somebody mind, body, soul, only for them to drink me up dry, steal away my life-force and leave me as good as dead, but not before kicking me one more time! Or two, or three...
Truth: this is what loving kyra did to me!
I could have sworn my heart had been ripped right out in the midst of panic attacks she provoked! And I was ready to die amongst her cruelty , and twisted mind that fucked mine solely, just up!
Kyra tought me that a good dog deserves any abuse rendered. Unprovoked- unwarranted!
And now the b!tch acts like I am psycho cuz I'm finally mad about it???
At least I can snap out of my mind warp...at least I can be honest even over the ugliest things:
Truth: I have been a victim! Was raised a victim! So what?! I'm growing out of it, so bite me! And yes, when you use that word, it enrages me! Because no being deserves to have their dirtiest laundry shoved in their face!
Truth: I'm fucking sad!
I truly don't understand the faul heart of humanity in matters of love especially. I truly can not comprehend how SHE could be so cruel against every patient moment I took her verbal abuse, or passive punishment, or controlling hands on me so I could not move or walk away, but rather, she'd force me to take it! Until I clawed my way out that is--learning to fight and hit back.
Truth: I am disheartened. I just wanna be a girl to love. After everything, you'd think that wasn't the most I could ask...but I know some of us are dealt our Hand of fate, and up until now, being loved as I love, NOT YET in my cards; not now. Perhaps soon.
Truth: I hate her! I'm pretty mad at my mom! Pretty livid with my dad! Pretty pissed in general! I felt like a boy today, so rare, in the need for blood and beating! I judged myself for feeling this way, but goddamn, do I know the b!tch deserves it!
Truth: I made a mistake I think! and now I don't really know, cuz he's pulled away..
Truth: I realized today, I have spent my entire life, being a martyr. In career! In love! In relationships! In my victimization, low self worth, and humanitarian passion... All however, sacrificing me: my own peace, my own happiness, my own salvation...and the scary part...I'm afraid I can't stop it, but holding faith.
Truth: I think I actually like him.
Truth: you can't rely on anybody but yourself!
Truth: Everybody will let you down, if you let them.
Key: Expect they will, and they just might surprise you!
Judgement: I am a stupid, foolish girl, deserving of all the struggle and bad shit no matter how purely I give and steady love!
Truth: I hate myself now, probably as a reflection and mirror of how much I hate them!
But you know...I am actually at peace...processing...for now.
Soon I will have to RE-PROGRAM this shit, so I don't get stuck and caught in it, any longer than I have been!
Agenda: I need to clear all my martyrdom pictures!
My say: "fuck you for pretending to be things you are not"
That's for everybody I hate right now!
That's for the world, and it's indiscipline! For the pain, and its inexcusable claim to linger, sustain, carry...I am still genuinely so surprised, so much pain, exists in the world today: pain of self, pain of circumstance, pain as the many and crazy forms of love, loss, grief, abuse, solitude, unworthiness, detriment, punishment...I mean literally, this is the second time I've spoken with her in the last month + and both times, I am like a fried hair ball! Seriously stunned, as if stoned and gone far away...a deer in the headlights...just, shock...and awe, and then there's the thought! The non-understanding, of how much pain, how many fucked up things we occur and do to eachother... There's also just the literal stunned shock, that any of these crazy mean people, are real? Like really?! I really don't even know how to digest that it's real? That love, and the promise of marriage, has twice turned into abuse for me. That these people that could be so one faced and perfect, had a whole other side, like hiding a murderer in their attic.
Truth: now...I'm just taking it and making it a day at a time.
Good news: I am finally feeling fine about my rage, my vulnerability, who I am being even if misunderstood. I am finally re-defining and coming to terms with this crazy ending, this new beginning, and me stuck, still navigating between!
Bad news: I'm weak. enraged. Full of hate and livid, which is not where I want to be..not really...
I am happy on my Sunday afternoon
Happy in my peace with no one asking me to be somebody else...
Because the truth: is I REALLY do love me! I really do! And I am so goddamn proud of myself considering.
And I have been loved, and only after asked, demanded, and commanded to change...
But I like me, as I am...
And knowing others do too...to the point of life altering gratitude, I don't understand, why I have settled being loved by somebody with not the sight to see The Light...
In me, in life...
To really see it the way it is.
Truth: I just want to be a girl to be loved!
Truth: I am not afraid! I know I will get this someday- along with many of my other dreams and visions coming true!
Truth: I just have to keep going strong.
Truth: I have to let her actions and ugly words, just go...but I don't know if I'm quite there yet...but I need to be. So I guess I will be soon!
Truth: I get so tired of holding all this in...and I just need an audience...and I just need an outlet...and for the RIGHT love, I am, definitely willing to wait.../ play :)...
And so it is...everything I wanted to say, and finally, just fucking did!
(Truth:) "everything" for NOW anyways l