Need My Reason

It is a quiet night..
People seem to be out of there homes more than usual, I notice, as I walk the neighborhood,
And see so many dark and un-occupied houses.
I massage the knots in my hand, and arms, and shoulders,
As I hope that the quisy feeling will dissipate with night air.
The pain makes me want to vomit,
And I turn over the lostness that wants to take over.
The smell of some perfect gourmet, from somebody's kitchen,
Envelopes my desires of wishing it was my beautiful home I am walking to;
Some kind of burgundy wine and red meat, perfectly prepared
Waiting on the table with the winning combination of a five-star side dish
Or two
And candles and flowers
To complete the mood.

Instead of walking into the home that would eat me,
I sit out here and smell, and dream,
And hope that the air still has a chance of relieving my pain!
Tonight is one of those nights, I would do anything for take-out..
But even then, that money is a dream.

It's days like this that scare me about tomorrow.
Knowing the pain lulls me to leave this place-
Knowing I'm going to have to find it in me to stand up,
Climb out,
Of this dark underground whole.

I don't want to go in there,
So I do what I always have since childhood around this house.
I skour the neighborhood,
Wander in the slight and perfect chill.

I take my breath and my home outside of this place,
Haunted
With childhood demons.
Sick with compression and dirt.

None of it is worth it to me anymore.
Not like this.
Not this way.

And as I am standing, looking at my rock bottom rubble, I can't help but to wonder if this whole I will be able to close up some day..
And instead of looking at a sky so far away,
I wonder will I be able to stand on the flat grass again...
Once and for all...
Never having to find myself in this
Mind Ditch,
In this death and solitude...
In this dream?!

The headaches alone
Make life not worth it,
But somehow,
They always seem to find
Their way back to me.

I need relief!
Food, love, support, eyes that want nothing more than to give to me...
I need outta here.
I need life;
Most of all, I need a reason why,
I ought to keep going.