The Spy

 

He refused 

  to leave me alone. 

  I had become a fucking obsession, he engorged on, 

  Night, 

after night...

  after night. 

  My pulse was something he drank up, 

    In dry words, velvety in the throat. 

His eyes sank of haunted casts 

  Long passed, 

unknowing, they were of his own. 

  He ate it all up. 

Every vanity, every word, and broken note, stretched too thin, 

  and cracked. 

  Every picture old and past. 

Every lurid message sent in between, 

  Repeat, Research, Recast. 

He stole up my every vulnerability, 

  as if in my own detail, 

He studied plain as scripture. 

  He would grow to know, 

      A side of me, 

Flat and embossed of pain, 

   Crying for cure, 

Doubling down on the candid, 

  and chipping away at the lake freeze. 

  He would try...

To render me inert. 

  But I wasn't that girl. 

A specimen, I required long and beholden hours- 

  None of which he'd been given. 

    None of which, he deserved. 

  He reeled instead, 

Over and over, dread permeating the air miles and miles between. 

He refused to let me go. 

  and gave me nothing clean. 

  He stood over my life, 

and now he pacifies vexing me. 

    A refusal. 

 For what now, 

Could he want so badly? 

  Enough...

To trek through my home? 

Recycled Flesh

 

Sweet river run flesh 

  Sacred before me 

Flushing all withstood 

         Reborn

    A well run dry 

Was this life before

 This life, no more. 

Worn of old skins

   Now cloaked 

 

  Ego, thine own 

Would go on gasping. 

I relentlessly 

  Held it under 

For without mercy. 

 My heart, 

Would go on pounding 

Against it's prison, 

  Run with blood. 

Against the cage that keeps it in. 

  Anxiety perpetuitous. 

Non

  Stop. 

  I had no choice...

But too feed it 

  To the river; 

To give her over 

    Full flesh. 

To fulfill 

  The cycle calling. 

She will go back to the bank 

  And all it's silt. 

She will give life where the flowers wilt...

  And I can finally 

  Call her no more. 

Recycled back to the shore. 

  Her void returned 

     Once & for all. 

The Egg

 

Time shifted. 

  Eternity sat. 

Life fell into the stop motion 

  Of the meticulously aging now. 

 It became a collapse 

     Of nothings. 

  Emotions ran like the seasons over days turned into months. 

 Never knew when the rain would strike.  And I certainly didn't understand how winter could be so hot. 

  I walked out barefoot in the icy showers, and smiled for the first time in a long time 

   half-heartedly

   But it meant something, 

 as my feet and legs froze up to my robe 

  and vaguely chilled, the bare beneath; 

Seconds of life re-emerged and a smile on both our faces. 

  It was the hint of a promise, 

I had buried and never sought to recover. 

  It was the months I'd go on choking on the gourds in my throat, shaking violently the feelings from my skin, erupting.  

  It was 

    The Process. 

I had to digest time in my belly. 

  I had to sift through the memories forged, scrapped, and collecting dust of years unopened. Things repressed. 

  Unsure if I could make anything right in this life, 

     My heart barely limping to task, 

  I became sure, 

     I had to try. 

  and I have gestated in that. 

Time collapsed all around me

  and a drifting bed became my sea. 

  I swallowed every sadness- 

Unable to drink 

  Or smoke

    Or numb it away. 

There we drifted, 

   You and I. 

And everyday 

  Daddy still came. 

For you....

  I digested all of us. 

I sipped the ache of my sadness 

  And slept away the pain in days. 

I seized of anger 

  and ate the ferocity away. 

  I did 

    What I had to. 

So I could make a way. 

  and through it all, 

My tiny love...

 Daddy 

  Still came. 

He cloaked me, 

  and he tucked me away. 

He paved a path,

  From rubble my Love. 

  He fed mommy, 

So her heart wouldn't continue to break. 

  and together, 

We made a way. 

It has been four months with no words. 

     Just....

   Process. 

Eternity slowed 

   To nothings. 

Not so pretty.  

Just you, 

  and me...

and Daddy's feats. 

Imperfect, 

  He, is our only miracle. 

  and you little Dragon, 

You, are ours.