The Dream

Dear Mother..
Hold me! Put your arms around me, and tell me through an undiseased spirit that everything is going to be okay!
That you believe in me, and that the world has never been so lucky!
Pinch me awake
From this dream, and this illusion,
Where it is the broken girl that has to
Be the strong one, the adult...
Pinch me awake from holding up this heavy burden
With wobbly legs--
I fight not to drop the world on my back every second
As I long for somebody to just give me a hand
With this load....
I know you
Will never be
The mother I need...
But I see you, as I try to accept
What it is
Between us..
And Father,
I know u can not see me. See my weakness and how it is a struggle in my heart almost daily
To just keep going.
I need somebody, something,
And doing it so alone
Gives me little left to live for,
On top of a life that keeps asking for a strength it takes everything in me to muster up!
Days, so many days,
U just want to give up.
I am doing everything I know how;
Doing everything I can,
And the steps backwards are like knives to healing wounds!
How many days, nights,
Do I have to put on face?
Before I just sink?
And will I sink?
Or will I float without expecting to?!
I am realizing more and more,
More than I ever have before,
What happens to a little girl
When she doesn't have parents...
Parents' love,
Parents' words,
Parents' support
Or their security.
She grows up
Only never to grow up
From the wounds of something never given.
From the worth of something
Never expressed.
In the belief,
That she doesn't deserve anything good...
To a present day where she looks around,
And has to be the parent she never had.
No wonder the Rock looks so lovely.
No wonder any place,
Is better than here...
Inside her,
Where nothing she does will ever bare her,
Her worth.
That love.
Or the mother she needs.
It is something I would do anything for...
But it is also, just an unrealistic
Silly dream.
She will never be
What I need.
And I have to keep going, and see...
See if somehow this will all work out..
See if somehow,
This little girl
Can still get her dream...
Even if deep down,
Her voice says,
She's unworthy.
Will I always be unworthy?!
Or is that something I can change?
Headache,
Go away!
Relieve me! I do not want your company another day!
Reminding me of who I am not!
Of what I don't want!
Of how unworthy u deem me to be!
Just go away!
And leave this little girl
And grown up to be!
I need a life outside of this!
Outside of it all!
So take it from me!
Just leave!
I do not need you,
Anymore!