Baby's Truth

 

Empathic.

A nature. Pulling in...almost withoutfilter.

I know

That what I need,

Is to sit still, in the center of someopen space..

To sit, and close my eyes to thisEarth..

And make that descent of which I preach,

Yet have been so afraid of..

All this time...Afraid.

Looking back, a girl abandoned so longago.

Abandoned into the pits of Hell,

Memory erased after an Angel's trace,

Because the mission

Was just too large...

It was I who left it behind...I wasjust..

Too afraid to face

Another life, another heartache...

Knowing my journey through childhood,

Would be my journey right through theshadows of all evils.

Knowing the journey would have melucky,

If I even made it out alive

What's more, who would I be, if I madeit through?

Too hard for a girl with such a fragileheart.

I broke, like porcelain,

To the black that surrounded me...

Knowing Demons had their way..

Feeling abandoned every step of theway...

It taking so long for me to see,

To taste,

To realize God had never left me...

Rather even in my innocence, it was I,

Whom abandoned He.

I was swallowed...

But I returned.

A Phoenix of The Aisle.

Death taking me, swallowing me up intotime..

Liquid black consuming as tragedy shookme so,

I vibrated into a million fragments...

Before being pulled back by theGod-force of gravity...LIGHT..

MY LIGHT..

That which can never die...

But only transmuted.

Transformed.

As my body writhes...

My heart literally shaking, eyes cry...

Scared, sad,

Still crying,

Still trying

To be the Strength everybody needs meto be...

Underneath, I tremble,

Shaking, shattering,

My fragments stuck by gravity,

Some days, not even knowing how I amstill alive.

Empathic. And how this world will bethe death of me.

Learning,

Trying to learn,

So that it doesn't have to be...

But God, is it just my nature to love,love, love,

Never having learned,

How to let somebody love me

Properly.

And so they take my tears,

As I'm on my knees,

Scrubbing their sins in service tothem.

Weary,

As they never seem to see the lifeforce in me...

And I know I am Great..

Knowing I am loved by many...

But why when I cry,

Do I face the failed love..

Mother, child, lover

The failed love,

All by myself.

If I am so Great, so loved, socherished, so honored...

Why still

Do I shake?

Ever still supporting a backbone

That has been slammed,

Time

And time

Again.

Loving them,

Loving them,

But who will love me,

As I Muse myself away,

For they?

And I know...

That what I need...

Is to sit in that open space..

And make that decent by candlelight..

Going deep..

But my excuse is this house,

And her needs,

And the mess in my room, uncleaned,

And the deadlines & opportunityscreaming at me...

as I Fall,

Fall,

Fall,

Into that rabbit whole

That scares me..

The dark one..

The one that takes me,

And eats my soul,

And spits me back out,

Barely alive.

I am scared of her!

Who she loves,

How she loves,

And how she might sabotage me...

And my excuse is that,

There is barely an open space here,

Amongst all this chaos & fear..

Amongst all this old hell

And no place for me...

Trying so hard to heal for my mother,

So that I don't go on creating all thistorrential abuse...

Trying so hard...

And nobody seeing...

Nobody seeing

this Empath in me..

She.

So frail. So small.

So hurt. So weak and scared

Just trying to be this Strength,

This image of strength

They need me to be...

But who's gonna be that for me?

...It's okay..

One day..

One day,

At a time..

Knowing what I must do,

Is make that decent inside..

Not knowing how to

Amongst this rubbled chaos of Hells oldand anew...

But knowing that THAT

Is what I must do..

And I will find a space.

Create it...somehow..

This Phoenix to her own flame..

I will,

Because I have to..

Crying,

Trembling,

Rising..

Tightening,

Pushing it down,

Forcing strength.

I can not see these men of the world toexpect them to understand

A mother's heart that would lay downher own life..

Can not expect them to understand thesacrifice of a heart

That burns over and over again

JUST

to love them...

Just to make sure they are fed, andclothed

As I starve my own soul,

To make sure they are fed the light..

No..

They will never know the sacrifice ittakes..

Being bled

While still loving them as I die..

It is a love that throughout history,

Man has never understood...

And as I rise,

Rise to my feet..

Searching for this space, this openspace in me,

Scared of defeat,

I know I am looking

For you...

Not wanting to go on this way

Another day...

Sacrificing from old ways

I long to die to..

It has been centuries for me,

And abuse after abuse,

I just can't go on

Loving this way..

Thinking I can be so strong

That I take the weakest of man

Only to let them leave me but with aninch

Left of Everything I gave...

And as I pull my strength

to forgive my Mother to this day

My heart breaks..

And I just want it to die already,

So that I do not have to

Keep breaking with it.

I am trying.

Trying to love you, Mommy,

And be Mommy for you..

Releasing that I will never have you

To be that for me..

Trying to hold onto a hope,

That one day in my loved,

I don't always have to be the moresane,

The more patient,

Or the constantly abused.

Holding onto a hope,

That one day I will have in Love

What Mother & Daddy could neverdo..

And maybe then,

It just won't be so hard to be thesupport of the world..

This mighty heart

Placed in such a fragile body.Empathic.

Shaking.

I need you.

Surrendering,

To another day,

Going on as I have to;

A mighty strength.

Even got the Rune of strength, and asthe Tarot speaks,

Strength portrayed with a Lion's Face..

And I know it is no coincidence oftime,

My God..

No Coincidence of How much I loveyou...

Going on, being strong FOR you,

Because I know one day,

I will be returned to..

It's just,

The journey has been long...

But I heed...

Your little girl ever..

And as I am crying on my knees..

It is just because it hurts..

But I know I will be returned to..

Surrendering, My Lord...

To you...

You know my heart.

And I place it with you

Now...

In your Spark,

Willing to go in...

If you

But Just

Show me

The Way....