The Peeling Away

Space,
Breathe me peace!
Reach in and heal the parts of me
Rot and stained- the parts they touched..
The parts they squeezed...
Bruised, til they'd bleed...

The parts they seem to have take from me.
I can not begin to peel away in words
The betrayed of being loved
In the way my sickness must have allowed.
Peeling away,
All the times, I'd been on my knees
Or left alone in pain,
Words thrown like glass during hurricanes.
All the times,
I'd stretched my being
To include them...
Then...
Malice putting her hands on me,
Forcing me into corners with words,
I couldn't get away from.

Twisting...
Twisting love,
Like intestines bleeding...
Pretending,
Me believing...

Then gripping me,
Til I'd stop breathing.

How,
Do u forgive yourself,
For believing
THAT
Could ever have been love...?

Some days,
That girl,
Still stuck in her grip on the bed,
Only black in the eyes of the woman who said
She would Wed me.
As she takes the breath & life,
From my being,
And I flail,
Ready,
To face death.

How...
Can one reverse
The sickness it takes
To let yourself be loved
Like that?
Dripping with tragedy's sweat,
Blood,
Her tears of love,
Raining down.

I can not begin to peel away,
The layers it takes,
To bury a girl
In her sickness...

Nor how she
Would wear it so as to continue to be loved
By those that would twist knives in her...
Almost,
Enjoying,
The show.

I am no show...

But I am.
And I can not begin to fathom the layers it takes
To bury my hand.
Me.
So deep. So dirty.
Alive but lifeless at the bottom of a feat..
Deep.
With all the cuts and wounds they left in me...
Eyes blank with "check-out",
Tears permanently laid to lids...
Staring...
Fathoming underneathe,
How I got here.
How I could let them
Bury me...
Kill me..
While they said they loved me.

And I hate you, Man!
I hate you!...
As I hate her...
And all she bled from me...
Took from me,life-force cut and left
For demon's sake...

The only thing that rises me...
Returns me to my state...

Is knowing, I can not let
Those nasty demons win...

They have been trying to take me my entire childhood...
And have..
And have...

But it is in The End, I
WILL NOT
Let them win!
For they
Have taken too much from me already...
My heart, chunks and chunks of my Soul...
And you had better bet,
Shiva
Wants them back!
So...
I process the wrath..
And peel the layers...
Attempting to fathom
Demonic states...

And I take the Space,
And breath in Peace,
As I return once more, Home...

Chanting...
Chanting...

For you, My Lord.

Asatomaa sad gamaya
Tamaso maa jyotir gamaya
Mrityormaa amritaam gamaya
Om shanti shanti shantihi...

"Lead me from the unreal to the Real", my Heaven.
"Lead me from the darkness into the Light"
"Lead me from death", My God, "to immortality"
Save and blanket me
In your Peace!

As I journey, My God...
Back home,
To
You...

No Healing Today

There will be no healing of the world today..
No great feats from The Great in me.

Today is a day of quiet solitude;
Reflection,
Mirrors mirroring back
The lessons attempting to penetrate me.
As I say that, my eyes leak..
My heart strong,
My vessel sad,
Running essence that weeps...

The world is vast,
And yet they tell me I'm too deep.
Unexplored with zillions of not-yet-understoods...
And yet, I complicate things?

No...
I am wise enough now,
To know it is not me...
But it does not mean
That I do not attempt,
To carry the burdens for these weak...

Still believing
In humanity..

In a way
That most have given up on...
So I have vesseled them upon my chariot..
Heavier and heavier, with lesser pull.

Angel going weak herself...
As the load widens,
And her humanity still reigns the beasts.

Love...
It is like a force that draws in me...draws near..pulls close...
And I can not seem to close it
Nomatter how I've tried...

But I have been a foolish girl, several times,
Dying many lives
Of deaths to those that would waste me dry...
I watched them.
They did.

So as my heart just seems to love the wrong kind...
Like something lost in me?
Or something dark?
But it's too great a sacrifice for the world at large,
Sacrificing my blood, so the demons can feed...
The world needs me...
Too much for Ariel to treat...
Treat This Angel
As a prisoner to her humanity..
Her fragile, foolish, little heart.

No....
There will be no healing of the world today..
I, internal, a little too dark...
My drum, off beat..
My soul, reflecting...
My needs, for Peace.

I am always sorry...
Where I have failed...

Mostly, I just fail me...
Always sorry, where my choices hurt others, but maybe they wouldn't
If they truly played my team...

Still...
Always sorry.
Because I hate the pain...
But I go on today...

Reflecting
Away
The
Rain.

The Cat & The Mouse

I need to just not see you for a while;
Speak to you for a while.

You have been in here too long,
And I need to "erase" you...
"Undo" whatever it is
We've done.

I am asking God and the Universe
For help on this one.
Because you do not care...
You will not care to come back to burn...

I've kept thinking it's because you cared,
That you'd return...
But even your Stars, my love
Paint your alter-face
As one that toys to toy, just to toy...
The cat
& The mouse.

You have cleverly clawed to my heart, only to sliver it out,
And toss, toss, me and the pieces...
How you've conquered your clever little mouse..

But I am no Mouse, am I?
Rather,
I am here, being me...
And you are there being you...
And if I could, I would rip you out of my chest..but I can't...
So I pray instead.

I hate you...
Can I pray that away?
Loving you...
Can one pray that away?

I hate you..
For a woman meant to change the world...
Ought never to find herself enslaved by man..
Because then..
The world bleeds.

I have given you worlds of me...
My courage never seen..
My peace, never honored..
My face, never loved...

Angels, doves...
In plight
In your world, my Darling...
And I've somehow managed to stay by your side over all these months at a time...
But I can't stay here and rot any longer..
Pretending and trying not to care,
When it's true..
There's not a day gone by,
I don't think of you...
When it's true,
There's not a day gone by
You ACTUALLY give me reason to.

I've been your Mouse...
No compassion between The Cat & his toy...
I've needed so much more from you..
Than for you to play
With my life..
Play it away.

And if only I can find the strength...
To force you away..

Stay away from the bait...

Then maybe,
We both stand,
A fighting chance...

Because I know you must not need me,
Anyways.

And I, certainly,
Don't need to love a Cat,
That would merely play
To the death of me.

So I pray.
Pray.
Lord, my Heavenly God...
Keep me safe. Heal my wounds.
Put this Cat on ice, where my heart doesn't want to. Keep him away, keep me strong to do the same...and keep me safe, my lord.
I can't do this,
With him,
Anymore!

And so I know it is done!
And so I thank Thee & Your Grace!
Thank you for giving me hope,
As I endeavor to complete this Erase.

Eraser

Does a man know
What it's like
To need to say I miss you,
And have no missing returned
Like dropped words,
And ink a mess...

I am loving a cause
Returning hope-less.

Nothing is fed..
And the tears simply fall.
I keep thinking my faith is strong...
But it bleeds as returns lost

I am sitting here wishing-
My devotion paying the cost;
My heart shriveling up from oxygen fed,
But no carbon to fuel my bled.

He gives me nothing.
And I keep loving.

And it's like a lightning strikes as soon as I've made up my mind to keep going...

"Why for?"
Is this the love you were hoping for?
The one you'd die and bleed for?

Not a "miss you",
"Your beautiful"...

God...what a girl!
What a stupid
Silly,
Dumb little girl.

I have got to stop, haven't I?
Because it's true...
This isn't Love...

Love wouldn't do this....

I'm erasing
You...

What is Devotion?

What is devotion?
But the faith and commitment to something,
Unseen,
Ungrasped,
Or held...
And honored.

I made a mistake once...
Many...

And I left you...
Small seed, I drowned under water in my neglect..
Running too many parts of my garden at once.

I cast my garden out for you.
Take you back into my heart
If you let me impart,
And fix
What I broke.
I am sorry.
Sorry if I broke it.
Sorry, that I drowned you.

But everyday has its day..
And many days I still take you,
And cup you, so gently to my chest.
Whispering my apologies
And praying you will make it through my accidental neglect.
I cherish you.
And my heart is cold to all others.
But you are my baby seed,
And I neglected you..
Paying fervently,
The price,
As I teeter, on the happenstance of your life revived...

What is devotion, but that?
Knowing I cup you, to my chest,
And breathe on you warm life...

I love you...

Simple, devoted, and true.

But this love is a test of my faith.
And perhaps the widest, thus far...

So I devotingly cup your life, my Love...
And attempt to heal our scars.

Fingers of the Night

Shed your armor dark...
Cloaked in the night...
Booz drowning solace...
And Soul...
Living to fight.
I drape my fingers on you
As you sleep, your only haven...
Forgotten who you are..

Amongst the faces, and craving.

I am your body of Light...
The seed, you seek to drown.

My beautifully witchy claws,
Draping you, safe & sound.

My love, your hope lost...
Our fight, at every cost
As you drown, and I afloat..
Hoping you've enough your own light
To buoy, buoy Your Soul.

I arise to the sky..sweeping, across ways parted
And God imparted..
Draping and taking you with me,
Hoping as you sleep,
You will forget
Your reasons for revenge.

Poisoned, I nurture you.
Wretched, I still give you life...
Fragile to the Beast..
I rest your hands upon my life...

Perhaps hoping as The Guides do
That this one is not lost...

Though all shallow caves
Seem to settle as your dark.

Unlocked.
I know that is what you are...
But I am merely here
As you sleep...
Holding you from afar.
Saving your moments of glory..
As if to remind you of life...

But you are drowning and wretched my boy
And I can not save that life.

I can not make you cry or love again...
Can not take away what you seek to destroy...
And as I caress your sleeping brow,
I know when you wake, you play life as a toy.
I can not carry your innocence
Where I fear it is lost forever...

But I can tell you, that should you return,
I just may be devoted forever.

My chest is burned,
Where your heart is tarred..
A filthy ash
As the means of your scars...

And I know, all I can do,
Is hold you from afar...
Witchy claws, pecking jaws,
Delicate to your sleep...

The only innocence..
You may ever know again.

Until you rise, rise, from your minimal hours of closed eyes.

I confess: I give up.
I don't believe it's in you anymore.
Believe it's gone...

And this is why I hold you
In your innocent sleep,
And caress your gentle until dawn...

What I feel, is far beyond,
Anything you will ever be...

As it takes a destroyer to murder...
And I see you trying daily!

You are killing him, the one I love...
And I do believe you've won...
And as I withdrawal, my gentle hands
Believe this isn't done...

But who he is, if he returns
Will be a man of too many wounds...
And the gentleness, I will never know
If of it, he's capably true.

I may have noble eyes, and a heart that pairs that too...
But I also have conditioned sight...
And my heart,
An Experienced Muse.

I know what I see when I see it...
But one thing you can never account for,
Is another man's journey,
Back to his own hope...

Life
Seems to find a way,
Where no-thing else can,
So as I back and step away...
Know, that I love this man.

But

This is his life...
And HE
Must resow his fate.

I rescind from ever needing,
To have to have a place;

Life,
I know,
Will take it from here!
And from here is another day...
May it be blessed for what it is,
At it sows it's seed of fate.

Today's Journaling

I am trying to remember
That today is still the beginning of the rest if my life! The rest of my journey.

I too get sick.
I too get weak.
I too get dis-heartened.
I get scared.
I get anxious.
I fear failure,
And I get overwhelmed...

But I am trying to remember,
That all those things simply remind me
That I am beautifully human:
Not so perfect.
Not always Divine..
And still fragile in my own right.

But it is how I press on
That determines the next day.
It is how I understand the moment
That truly keeps my faith!

And I may fall,
And cry on my knees,
Even wishing for God to take me back home some days...

But the truth is, that when I look,
I know I want to stay.
I know I want to see what I can accomplish, and give before my death.

As I cry without fully knowing why,
I am reminded how just moments ago , I burst into tears, not knowing why..
As I read the medicine of the Opossum, and scanned over "play dead"...

The tears flooded..
It hitting something in my heart I still don't understand...
The tears,
Still coming!

Whether it has been being sick for a near full week, almost on my death-bed, so to speak..

Or Loving the impossibly blind...
Luring them, to God, of some kind..

Or whether it has been fearing, that with my sickness, I will not make my deadlines,

Or the burdens, burdens, of being one of the few of My delicate kind(s)...

I've had their words rattle in my head..
Almost defending myself, to myself..

And the strength of baring against minds too small around me..

Knowing there are larger out there, but directly to me, I carry the burden of mother, and friends alike...

And I'm just trying to remember,
That THIS ALL is the START of my journey- the rest of my life!
Not the middle, not the end..
But rather,
The beginning.

And that I don't have to take these hard hits, quite so seriously...

It's just the processing, and the time,
That begets me!

Against all views,
The Animals communicate to me...
Mirroring back my deepest hues...

Them, the Angels, the Gods & Goddesses..

Reminding me that to stand strong in this world, takes a mighty heart of delicacy...
And that as much as I fall,
I am always, ever, on time.

I have seen, how only few "Men"
Will understand my mind...

But as the animals speak..
And the signs carry me..

I remember that who I am is seen.

So when man pushes, and Mis-interprets me...

I may be reminded..
That man is not so good at seeing.

And I hope to just forgive against blades,
And move on.

It is how we take the day. How we interpret its magic,
And as we become overwhelmed, magic fades...
But it never goes away..
For it is up to us
To return.

IT
Will always be waiting for us.

The Persevering Fate

Blanketed. By all my attempts..
And all my fall-throughs.
I don't always know how to interpret the cries...

The cries in their eyes
That scream at me...
Literally, piercing, as lips sink Titanic ships,
And everything gained over a life-time,
How it can be lost in a day.

I am a different breed, and they have a hard time seeing me,
Understanding what they see...
Perplexed, by the ways I do things they wouldn't...

Just as I am to this world;
Her cruelty..
Her double-edged sword.

Not her at all though is it...
Rather...
The sword is Us.

I don't mean to speak in cruelties,
But they follow me as though I am a magnet in a free world;
Loving the impossibly blind..

Almost ASKING them to HIT me.
And I don't know how to stop Her bleeding heart, this magnet in me,
When I get caught up, day to day,
Goal to deadline...
Overwhelm to obligation..
I don't know how to quit
The UnPeace in me;
The Magnet that keeps drawing.

It is hard believing She will be loved better,
When all her life,
Sharp tongues have brought her down...
Cut her to her knees.
And even yesterday and now,
How that reality gleams...
Against bed-ridden aches and pains..

And in her mind,
Their cries echoing; screams.

I just want to believe my delicacy will be sheltered.
Winged.
Seen.
Instead of on my knees all the time crying.
Mustering all this damn strength.
Magneting the blind..

Trying to guide..
Trying to be loved by all the wrong kinds-
Lost,
In this world not my home...

Lost,
And trying to find my Grace.

Missing The Kingdom I knew.

Here, alone,
A Shattered blue.

Trying to muster Faith!
One foot,
In front of the other- today, tomorrow, another day..

And I'm still Praising Miracles.
Still holding YOU.

The music still sings to me, tears streaming.
The beauty comforting my fear, my agony...
The uncertain...

SOMEtimes, I don't know how I keep going,
But I know there are others questioning the same thing:
Other Warriors
Other Angels..
Other Human Beings,
All anguishing on days but still striving..
Not knowing how,
They keep going..

But they do, don't they?
They do.

In Thought

It is a struggle everyday
To stay away from you.

Feeling the embrace of them,
And love..

But you..
There. Deep. Always. Ever!
Could kill
To dig you out!

Wanting to be in your bed.
Every night.
Without fail.
But so much has failed.
So much,
Already lost.

And I miss you.
Deep.
Embossed.
An agony under-riding all frozen space in my heart:
None,
To get in...

Where you there, simply dwell.
Love, complicated.
Just like me..

And how I even like myself that way,
But then get mad,
When life mirrors that back to me!

Waiting...
For you..

Not knowing how to un-weave webs spun.

Doing enough to dig you out, but not enough at all...

Because the world keeps presenting you before me...

And I don't know if you will ever know..
But it does..

Keep presenting
You to me
Somehow...

As I try to dig u out...
I hate
That I haven't!

Soul Channelings: The Switch.

Winter Passing: The Switch.


When you rise to the day;
Rise with me.

Sunlight dawn across our face,
Bare with me.

Breeze across a foreign rain,
Our lands a foreign place.

Undergraduate...
I dwell.

In the Heavens of Caves passing..
All the transit
As shadows on the wall,
As internal realms of resting place.

I look up,
And see the Dancing Stars..Hopi Sky..
And shades as shaped clouds.

The Heavens almost Thunder,
Just above the Painted ceiling...
God Touching Man
Upon the Dome,
A canvas, a mere veiled hologram-

The one portrayed tonight!
The one God wants us to see.

Underneath,
My heart a bit frozen,
Coming into thaw...
Days like death beds...sometimes not knowing anything at all...
Until I have to.

What I need, riding to me on the Chariots of the Gods..
My heart and humanity,
Thawing...
Arising to The Breaking Dawn..
Dawn's Proposal of Light.

Miss you, as I reign my Chariots this day,
The Pull wielding some tug-o-war
Between My Beasts,
Maybe the Next day,
The Card of Peace, and the following in the Suit.
..Temperance.
Themis: As all Justice Stands.
Take me away, from here..

Just
Take me away.
Not knowing what I say,
But rather the free bird in me singing to the flight she longs to be;
Awaiting an amended Wing.
Voice strained and shalln't sing...

Her longing
Her longing
To fly free,

To You.

Eyes closed and drifting, falling, the stream of dark air,
Carrying me down into Dream & Sleep...
And all that's lost
When I awake.

I wake up in the South,
Almost a banjo playing,
Cigarello tuning me into the leaves swaying,
And awaking jitters of creatures stirring
The Bayou just a footstep away,
Taken.
Back
Watching.

Something longing. Stirring beneath.
The stillness outside on
This porch of time..

3 days
Taken now.
3...
It's a warrior thing.
Warrior,
And Territory..
Seeming to come to a Stand, boiling,
The fight getting ready,
Ever to stand! Ever to take fight!
The Other Warrior,
Sitting, Praying,
A Mountain Top Made for The Gods, On High
The Master Goddess,
Ever Envoking.
Ever Thine.

She chants, and relaxes...
The Seas Carrying her voice Across "Time".
Hymning.
Settling to perhaps settle Them.
Through one body of Ray, ever connected.
Already done.
Observe, learn, & be more open hearted,
The Water Snake's Message.
Heeded.
It is already done.
Wolf and Deer Unite.
Ironic.

Medicines invoked,
As She Runs,
Falling into the Hum
Of the molecules configuring
All that ever is;
A Symphony,
I'd care to play time and Again,
Enough to keep
Up the Avail!

The Aztecs merge with the "Devants"
And the celebration of realms is all danced in a singular head:
The Goddess;
I am
Beside myself
FOR
Her; ever creating. Contributing;
Improvising.

9,4,8
Deathbeds.

Dawns.

Red dawns. Blood.
Scrapes. Bleeds.

Chocolate with Orange
Goddess Satisfied.
"Even In The Darkest hour, She always manages to pull through!
Heads like quarters;
Aces,
Championing my game;
She is The Lucky Bast
My only Cat.
Master to Me!
Egyptian Pharaoh Priestess.
Goddess on High.

For this moment in time,
Upon the Top of Lands all below.
Giant Mother Head of All.

I spill back,
To come back,
And hold rather a space to emminate in it all.
Stewing
A Vast Pot.
Melting..
Ever One. Organic Golden Shades of Buddah.
Ever Dancing bits-o-mass
Collecting and streaming
On Atomic Holographs.
Resting now.
Eyes laying back.
Falling: 10:11.
In
And Out.

"Fate working it's magic"
-The Switch

When Time Stops

Slowwww.
Sometimes it is slow..
As I pass..
And the time passes me..
We
Seem to be
In a snail race.
Feeling
Everything in my body,
Dosile and tuned out..
But not..

Just being.
The TV playing.
Me resting.
Genki tuned out,
Resting with me.
Hours from now
Will be another life..
Now,
I am tuned out..
And tomorrow seems
Life-times away..
And so does Love..
But it's still okay..
Because right here..
I have everything I need
In my now..

Sure,
I might Long underneath to have arms contain me...
Take care
As I take care..

But I am lucky.
To have a blanket.
A warm space I have nooked myself in..
A loving embrace
From The Creator within..

Even as the time
Goes by..slow..
..slow..
Almost feeling lost, drugged..

I am
Okay.
Enjoying my space..
With all things still stirring between..

I am The Peace of Strength..
Still "Lucky" as I can't sleep to my nap..
Still blessed..
Ever.
Loved.
And loving..

Even as I stand alone at times..
Never really.
I
Am the image of Strength..
Finally,
Retaining peace.

Showing..
I may keep it
Through any environment..

Finally achieved.
Thankful..
Even
As I feel
What my body is fighting.

Surrendering to it..
To all..
To him..
And the past..
To them..
And this..

But..
In peace..

And I thank you God.
Thank you, God..

Just Thank...

As I slowly..
Feel
And
Be.

Where He Left a Seed

I don't "like" feeling "things" for you.
But only because
You and I
Don't seem to me to make logical sense.

Don't always like this pull,
But I do..
Because it is entrancing..
I don't,
Because you feel dangerous.

Bending,
Like a young tree,
I am unwilling to snap.
Unwilling to break it...
Because you belong to me.
Somehow,
As I would claim it.

I don't want to love you,
But I want to,
Because there is something about your essence I long to hold,
Though by now, I've hardly a taste;
I know this, as you also make known..

But what is it in you, that gently penetrates,
And communicates,
Over distance and through space?
I am still..
Figuring
You..
Not always wanting to..
Having been denied and pushed away, I, my signs to the eye,
Telling me to put you down,
My Signs by THE EYE,
Telling me to embrace you, love you...
But not to get scorched
By your fires this day...
For it IS a day of Hell in your worlds..

And what of it do I belong?
Why am I here?
Accept to love you?..

Why am I here,
Accept to love you?

Trying not to, already do..
In your fragments...bits and pieces..
But yes, IT IS YOU, I do..

Not the illusion, or grandiose, no
As your worst is the most I've seen..
So why do I? Indeed..love you?!
Except that I do?
Why in my mind do I hold your soft cheek,
And just want to kiss, kiss your forehead, all the while you pushing me?
Standing as a Queen in Love,
But as a foolish mess of a girl when I can't keep up the stream?
It takes energy to be "On High" all the time..
And sometimes I just need to rest my feet.
Yes,
I wish it were you who'd want to carry me those days..
But why?
All the while,
Why you?
And the read baffles me. Telling me one thing so deep,
But I want to listen to you, as you push me,
Away,
And say,
With cruelty,
The things
You
Just say.
Joking...only partially.
Testing...
Wading through..
And I've watched the games get the best of you,
Because I am not them, Dear Love..
And I will never be.

And tell me...IS IT..just my imagining?
AM I crazy?

Or are you stirring, like I feel you?
Sides split, one half your protector
That would liquidate any threat to you by way of Apathy..

But what about you?
You know...him?

knowing the moment I ask you, it ques the Protector...the killer..the "I don't care"..
Knowing..
Seeing you..

But is it my imagining?
That I got stuck in there too?

Because I keep feeling you..
Wanting to let you go, but not..

And the time, I can take..
The wait..sure..
The destruction waves..
Can't..
Shouldn't..
Don't want to..

And I know you are better than this.
Willing to let time and space heal you..
Willing to let you go..

Though I never wanted to..
And I'm learning to..
And I thank you..

Hanging...

Can't tell...

But I love you..don't always want to..
But love to..

There's something you should know about me..
I do not fear to Love.
Do not fear to tell..
And hardly contain my love against any man..
So I spill to you my voice and words,
As YOU are my friend, though hardly by what you've shown..
Though perhaps I am not yours, My Love..
I may never know;

Releasing you..
I try..
Not getting too far..
Releasing of a different kind..

You've really managed your way into my heart,
And as I've dug to get you out..
Still,
There you are..

And I don't really know much what to do, my mental mind,
But my intuitive knows to just give you time.
It is okay
I know now..
That I love you the way I do..

Never having to apologize for that.

And just trying to release you,
As by way, you show, you want me to,
Need me to..

And I will in my own way..

But for whatever reason,
Your stay, long here..
In my heart space..
Baffled. Like a child. You've had me from the get-go.

And I'm just trying to do as you say now.
Release you, let you go.

And I will protect you in my own way..
Perhaps some day soon enough..
Finding a way still..
To let you go..

But as this day goes on,
And even then, the Healer in me grows..
I refuse to give you up.
But you must feed a me,
Before I wither away to you.

Or if that is what you want,
I shall.
And it will make me happy,
Because you will have peace.

That is how much I love you..
Am drawn to you..
And am willing
To never know.
It doesn't matter..
Because for a moment, mere, in time..
I had you.
Seconds,
Fragments,
But it was like life-times.

And I know I am intense..
And I come from another time,
And speak a language unique..

But I love you..
And a love like mine, lasts many lifetimes..
Never having to even have had me..
Because I don't need you to love me back,
To see your heart, My King.

I don't know if it is ever likely
You will be
What I see..

I, out of the picture and aside..
But I hope,
And heal with fervor..
So that
You may be!

I really
Just want you
To be happy..

But it really
Isn't all up
To me.

And so, from afar,
I hold your imagined cheek..
Soft your love and lips..
Long to be the hand to your face, My Love..
And to take away all walls...your ways..

Only Love here..

But I, not always a foolish girl..
I see I trigger you
Left and right..
You not used to,
A Creature like me..

Not a creature like me..

And no, I am no fool to this..
I having always seen..

But it never stopped me..
And I want to apologize
And I don't.
And I want to run
And I don't.
And I wanted to Hate you,
And I don't.
And I want to believe you,
And I don't.
But I do want to know you!
Not the cruelty or the lies.
Not the face for disguise.
Not the words cunningly chucked because your mad somehow..

I want your softer side!
The one that you say is there..
That THEY say is there,
That I KNOW is there..

But I, so foolish in read,
Don't know anymore with you.

Can't say if ANY gentleness is true..

And even then, STILL, I promise I love you..
But that's the problem, now..
Isn't it?
Scared of what LOVE can do?
No, don't return it if you don't want to..
But honesty, integrity,
Can make a man out of you!
No, don't return it if you don't want to,
But speak to me with love and honor,
And watch me bend to you!
I assure you,
I am maleable..
Going where I am needed, wanted..
But if you but just speak to me..
From the heart..
I know it's hard..
I will honor you..
Be as you need-
Anything to you: Absence.
Love.
Passion.
Strength.
A friend.
A sister.
Gone.

But to just honor me..
Was all I ever asked.
And while I do not feel that you have, friend of mine..

I still, honor you.
Loving you.
Willing.
To be
ANYthing
You need..

It's just without the Honor..
I don't so much want to..
But it's not that easy..

Your heart
Already dropped it's seed.

And if I rip this blossom out, too young to tell if it's flower or weed..

I will kill
Young life..

So instead,
I sit..
With what you've planted in me..

And I wait,
Holding the space,
That one day, in whatever way,
You will at least come back around to give me the respect that NOT I need..

But that
I WANT
From you.
Loving you.
Wishing THAT only..
So it can feel right.

Just that!
Respect!
All I ever really wanted from you..
Loving you;

And LOVE
Always deserves
The most cherished honor..

For it is
The Most Sacred Seed..

Attunement: The Golden Pool

How can I not be excited at this time?
Delving into a richness deep,
A well spring of being, something vast beyond our silly "Human" imaginings..

Something internal...
...and forever..

How can I not be excited?
As my heart flows, and opens,
And I feel the opening,

And as it cleanses,
The pains..
The attachments,
And the old ways of being..
Of depending, on others,
On the outside to give me worth, or give me love...

How can I not be excited as I dip into the wellspring of this pool..

This forever and eternal
Infinite Golden Pool
Of light and love..
This BODY of motion, of God,
Where all knowledge, and all light,
Is ever contained..

Within.

How can I not be excited, as the heavy rocks from my heart are vibrated away, and the black pools of energy are ribbons being pulled from my heart?

As it sheds away, I lift to something in me...something arising..Great..
Not even me...
But within.
And I can feel it..
Feel it like a golden pool I'm being dipped in, feel it free my old life,
Reminding me of who I
Really am..
And I mean, really, really..
And it's taking over..
Breathing rich intoxications of spirit, vast and surround..
All ALL around..
And it would almost be too much,
But the nature of LOVE is never too much
And so instead,
I just bathe and bask in it...
Cherishing it,
As if I've returned home.

How could I not?
And as the Reiki attunes me, I see.
And as I see, I ask for more..
Letting The Heavens come in and heal my being, Asking for healing..receiving..
And it is a new insight, that I can just ask,
And receive..the Healing taking over attaining me, attuning
On the spot..
See farther than I ever have seen before,
Living in a realm where I understand now,
Magik...is the true reality..
The Infinite Flow..
And I can say I have seen The Pool..
I can say I have touched it, dipped in it,
Sat...
And soaked..
And I am sitting in now,
Knowing it never has to go...

I have found my Room of Self..
It is vast..this Pool, and entire Golden Cosmic realm..
A universe that just sits
In Wait.

And I can say now..
That I have seen The Pool..
Of which we come from..
Of which we are birthed..
My body tingling as I say..
Tingling,
To the light of the Divine..
The Truth..

The Truth
That it is never that far away..
Never..
And never has been..

Just a dip, is all it takes..

For I have seen The Pool..
Golden, Rich Love..
Inside..

Just a descent away.

And as I call in The Angels,
And learn to ask them to do healing on me...

I know I have made a leap of Faith,
I can never venture back from..

I know I have walked through that Gate..
The Rune.
The intitiation of which I am now birthed and come from.
Healer.
Interpreter.
SoothSayer..

Letting it all be done..
As I bathe.

Letting it all be done...
As I look back at The Gate..

There is no going back now..
And today is still
Just
Day
One.

Ever more. Ever Thine.
A journey...
Newly begun.

(And so it is)
.Namaste.
In Reverence of The Divine.

Ode to the Dancing Tree

To Spirit...

You may hold me (again)..
I long to dance with you,
Legs to the wind,
Hair afray..
The bells and whistles of the gusts about, singing in the leaves
And rustling of the things on the streets...

I am reminded
In this element of my being,
How the wind carries me,
Like SHE on the otherside of the world,
And how we were always soul sisters
To the land...
Chin pointed high,
Chest breathing in,
As we walk amongst the wetlands of the tribes here before us...

Remembering days,
When we would walk upon the land,
And hold our head out, and up,
As if basking in the beaming cosmic ray,
And all the love around..
Like warmth to a feline face.

Yes with her,
I danced, danced, danced my spirit away,
Twirling on lands known to the great spirits
Of our ancestors,
Still ever around.
Connecting..
Arms stretched to just feel
The all around,
Reaching, feeling..
A sponge to the transcendental empathic life that ever surround.

I am here now, again,
Re-living this life before me...
Tapping the imagination for Life's drumbeat of great destiny,
And how nothing is ever lost in loving memory,
Rather, retained.
I am a record keeper,
As is all spirit, by name,
And as I attune to a life once before me,
I live it again, quaint and sound,
In the full life
Of my heart's records.

Feeling now,
The wind upon my face,
And her delicate, yet strong grace before me,
Claiming with might to the world,
That she, "free bird", would always be,
And there, we stood together..
Claiming together,
Never to let our spirits be breakable here,
By the forces that would long to be..

And so I say this now...

Spirit, take me!
Wrap me is the winged arms of your warm embrace,
Enchanting and coddling me
Back to delicate strength,
Back to internal being,
And unbreakable stature..

Where here, I rest in you..
Dance in you,
Become equated back into the realm of vastness.
Eternity, rising up through me, as a flame of heaven's light...
Dancing once again..
Gusts to the wind..

Filling up once again,
As I am reminded, my journey is within..
Gaining new light,
New insight,
To shed away the deaths of my pains..
To wash and cleanse away,
The stale energies no longer having place:

You have revived me.
Winged me.
Infused my name.
Free Bird. Lion of God.
And an Ode to the Dancing Tree..

How I love thee...
Spirit Of the Divine..
How I give back now,
Ever thine.
Releasing. Dancing. Breathing. Being...
Grateful.
Deluctible.
Delicate and delicious, is your life that run through me,
Rich with streams of Gold...
YOUR Sunlight..
Ever mine,
Coursing through these veins as I am the offspring of your light...
Running through me,
Ever thine.
Ever thine.

Ever
Mine.

Casting Prayer

Dear God,

Graze over my soul,
Running your fingertips like electric impulse over me!
Revive me!
Cherish over my soul, reminding me..
Taking me back home to Heaven,
Where I can breathe once again...
Knowing the Truth behind the Dream.
Release all pain from us internal beings...
I...
Let you hold me..
Graze over my soul,
In Long Lost memories,
Of Love, Light, and Colors;
How THEY describe the Healing of Our Home, I can't see
You know me. Deep. Ever in a service to you...
Knowing my tired.
I know you do.
But I need you to help me through...
As I know, you will,
And how in ALL ways, you have.

There seems to be a shadow I am walking through...
And gusts of rain,
And today's cloudy day,
Just seems to match my blue...

But you know, I have made it through my darkest days here.. hopefully...
And I just want to Thank you,
Reach out and remind you,
I need you.
I need your grace and your strength against the face of many who may not understand
What it takes
To be so dedicated to you...
To maintain such Love, such a view,
Despite all adversities still unhealed,
That I'm just trying to navigate through

TO HEAL.
You know me!
I do not have to explain to you, or apologize for The WHO I choose
TO BE...
Deeply loving me, my own face,
Because it is an extension of you!
And in you, I know I can curl up,
And be loved,
Held to be healed,
Without awaiting the back-lash,
The turn,
The rest..
Seem to put me through.
I know, Lord, that
They don't mean to...
But I need you...
And I need to remind you...

You know me.
See me..
Now help lift and revive me.
Help, see me through..

I long to go much deeper.
Much deeper to meet the Co-nature of me and You..
Of this I ask,
You help see me through,
Giving me strength, My Jah..
As you do.

Heal, the unhealed..
Wounds soon to be closed,
And I promise,
I will heal them with you...

I know,
I know...
It is just a matter of time..
So I ask you...
Give me Your Mighty Strength,
To see that time through.
Never wanting to seem weak...
But I let that ego go for you..

Because they may judge as they will,
But I am ever yours,
And so lets let them.

Mold me my diamond,
As a facet of your Hue...

And as we move through time,
Fearlessly, and with might,
you know I am ever in service of you.
Help me, find,
My own completed flight...
As much I long to.
Surrendering, ever...
Because that's all I want to do.
Surrendering God,
As I let you,
Pick me up once more.
Deeply loving you.
Thanking you..
BEING you..
Through the eyes
Of my mere
Mortal
Soul.

And so
It is.
And so....it will always be...

Baby's Truth

 

Empathic.

A nature. Pulling in...almost withoutfilter.

I know

That what I need,

Is to sit still, in the center of someopen space..

To sit, and close my eyes to thisEarth..

And make that descent of which I preach,

Yet have been so afraid of..

All this time...Afraid.

Looking back, a girl abandoned so longago.

Abandoned into the pits of Hell,

Memory erased after an Angel's trace,

Because the mission

Was just too large...

It was I who left it behind...I wasjust..

Too afraid to face

Another life, another heartache...

Knowing my journey through childhood,

Would be my journey right through theshadows of all evils.

Knowing the journey would have melucky,

If I even made it out alive

What's more, who would I be, if I madeit through?

Too hard for a girl with such a fragileheart.

I broke, like porcelain,

To the black that surrounded me...

Knowing Demons had their way..

Feeling abandoned every step of theway...

It taking so long for me to see,

To taste,

To realize God had never left me...

Rather even in my innocence, it was I,

Whom abandoned He.

I was swallowed...

But I returned.

A Phoenix of The Aisle.

Death taking me, swallowing me up intotime..

Liquid black consuming as tragedy shookme so,

I vibrated into a million fragments...

Before being pulled back by theGod-force of gravity...LIGHT..

MY LIGHT..

That which can never die...

But only transmuted.

Transformed.

As my body writhes...

My heart literally shaking, eyes cry...

Scared, sad,

Still crying,

Still trying

To be the Strength everybody needs meto be...

Underneath, I tremble,

Shaking, shattering,

My fragments stuck by gravity,

Some days, not even knowing how I amstill alive.

Empathic. And how this world will bethe death of me.

Learning,

Trying to learn,

So that it doesn't have to be...

But God, is it just my nature to love,love, love,

Never having learned,

How to let somebody love me

Properly.

And so they take my tears,

As I'm on my knees,

Scrubbing their sins in service tothem.

Weary,

As they never seem to see the lifeforce in me...

And I know I am Great..

Knowing I am loved by many...

But why when I cry,

Do I face the failed love..

Mother, child, lover

The failed love,

All by myself.

If I am so Great, so loved, socherished, so honored...

Why still

Do I shake?

Ever still supporting a backbone

That has been slammed,

Time

And time

Again.

Loving them,

Loving them,

But who will love me,

As I Muse myself away,

For they?

And I know...

That what I need...

Is to sit in that open space..

And make that decent by candlelight..

Going deep..

But my excuse is this house,

And her needs,

And the mess in my room, uncleaned,

And the deadlines & opportunityscreaming at me...

as I Fall,

Fall,

Fall,

Into that rabbit whole

That scares me..

The dark one..

The one that takes me,

And eats my soul,

And spits me back out,

Barely alive.

I am scared of her!

Who she loves,

How she loves,

And how she might sabotage me...

And my excuse is that,

There is barely an open space here,

Amongst all this chaos & fear..

Amongst all this old hell

And no place for me...

Trying so hard to heal for my mother,

So that I don't go on creating all thistorrential abuse...

Trying so hard...

And nobody seeing...

Nobody seeing

this Empath in me..

She.

So frail. So small.

So hurt. So weak and scared

Just trying to be this Strength,

This image of strength

They need me to be...

But who's gonna be that for me?

...It's okay..

One day..

One day,

At a time..

Knowing what I must do,

Is make that decent inside..

Not knowing how to

Amongst this rubbled chaos of Hells oldand anew...

But knowing that THAT

Is what I must do..

And I will find a space.

Create it...somehow..

This Phoenix to her own flame..

I will,

Because I have to..

Crying,

Trembling,

Rising..

Tightening,

Pushing it down,

Forcing strength.

I can not see these men of the world toexpect them to understand

A mother's heart that would lay downher own life..

Can not expect them to understand thesacrifice of a heart

That burns over and over again

JUST

to love them...

Just to make sure they are fed, andclothed

As I starve my own soul,

To make sure they are fed the light..

No..

They will never know the sacrifice ittakes..

Being bled

While still loving them as I die..

It is a love that throughout history,

Man has never understood...

And as I rise,

Rise to my feet..

Searching for this space, this openspace in me,

Scared of defeat,

I know I am looking

For you...

Not wanting to go on this way

Another day...

Sacrificing from old ways

I long to die to..

It has been centuries for me,

And abuse after abuse,

I just can't go on

Loving this way..

Thinking I can be so strong

That I take the weakest of man

Only to let them leave me but with aninch

Left of Everything I gave...

And as I pull my strength

to forgive my Mother to this day

My heart breaks..

And I just want it to die already,

So that I do not have to

Keep breaking with it.

I am trying.

Trying to love you, Mommy,

And be Mommy for you..

Releasing that I will never have you

To be that for me..

Trying to hold onto a hope,

That one day in my loved,

I don't always have to be the moresane,

The more patient,

Or the constantly abused.

Holding onto a hope,

That one day I will have in Love

What Mother & Daddy could neverdo..

And maybe then,

It just won't be so hard to be thesupport of the world..

This mighty heart

Placed in such a fragile body.Empathic.

Shaking.

I need you.

Surrendering,

To another day,

Going on as I have to;

A mighty strength.

Even got the Rune of strength, and asthe Tarot speaks,

Strength portrayed with a Lion's Face..

And I know it is no coincidence oftime,

My God..

No Coincidence of How much I loveyou...

Going on, being strong FOR you,

Because I know one day,

I will be returned to..

It's just,

The journey has been long...

But I heed...

Your little girl ever..

And as I am crying on my knees..

It is just because it hurts..

But I know I will be returned to..

Surrendering, My Lord...

To you...

You know my heart.

And I place it with you

Now...

In your Spark,

Willing to go in...

If you

But Just

Show me

The Way....

 

Universe is Waiting

Master.
Take me to your care.
And we will live there.
Where books will feed our minds,
And sunsets will be our preludes to the night.
Where candlelight
And midnight stands
Are usual
As we stretch and breathe,
Stretch and breathe,
Stretch to see,
Far
Inside.
I am tired now
With weary eyes,
But I see your face in the distant light..
Continuing..
On foot..
Continuing to you.

Knowing, I will not have to continue
This journey always on my own.
You are bright in the distance.
Like an Angel, waiting,
Waiting for me to arrive to you..
And I, no fool...
I see you...

Awaiting the warm stream of love that will flow through,
And how we will share
Until the universe is cracked open
Between us two:

A Golden Pool of light!
As Love.
As Purity. And Calmness..
Serenity...
And breathing.

It is easy with you..
Ever gripping my body to your chest,
Arms sheltering and protects-
The world out there, a magical territory between us two,
Because we never stop dreaming.
Sunsets and boats will be our get away..
Retreats..
And peace..
Everything easy...
Even, when it's not...

Because I know your love is warm, like soft pink hues that engulf..

You taking me ever to places beyond us,
Supporting OUR dream...OUR vision..
Individually,
And collectively...

As you become Great,
And I become Great next to you...

As we descend and arise every night..
To our calm within..
Breathing, stretching, by candle-light...
This time...
You reminding me
Of the things I've forgotten of home!

And I, like a child to your words,
Lost in the stories of your teaching...

I love you. My Master. Keeping me..
For you..
Until the day,
We meet again.

Knowing,
You are mine...
Face unmet.

Loving, as our life takes flight,
The day you finally take me under your wing,
Sheltering,
My heart finally...

For as you love me,
I will be perfectly lost in you...
And Master...

That is all
I
Can ask!

So here is to the day, my Love, when we meet. And I will bow to kiss your feet,
And I already see you raising me chin high,
You to kiss me...
For to you,
We have always
Been equals.
And so let my Love be...

I know I will see you a day soon enough.
This is enough,
For now.