Shadow Dance

"Shadow Dance"

Those are the words that rest in my soul,
As I carry the memories of the Air...
And the tight Earth
That has wrenched me...
And squeezed me bare;
Dry.

My mind,
She thinks a 1000 thoughts a day,
And many many more questions than that.
And somewhere,
In this shadow dance..

I'm not so mad,
That THEY haven't called...

Or that SHE, never really knew how much I needed her all theses years...
With only me to blame,
That we haven't kept touch...

I play
To the shadow dance
And the choices I sit on this day.

Sad, definitely, a little...
But okay.
Evened out...

Because I have the memories to look back upon,
That embody forever,
That embody now...
And the inability
To get lost.

She may never know, how much I have needed her...
And it IS, my own fault...
Losing touch to one I loved,
Only to love the shadow
That would distract me so.

Even now...
I don't know if it is but a dream,
That she would still love me,
This friend of mine.
So young, and such ago a long time...

And how SHE was the first to bring me back to the light...
To Him.
My Jehovah.
My God, so deep.

I miss her so- the essence of me.
A twin indeed,
Spinning to the air.
The air.
How we
Were both air,
Down here...

And looking back..
I see.
Maybe I missed that opportunity.
Just like I miss her soul.
Just like she had so much I need...

But...like I said...
Maybe sad a little..though still how important for me to see...

To remember what I have always told myself...

"That she is never separate from me"...

That in her needed essence,
I still dance that very same life

In
And AS me...

And maybe it has been too long,
Since I have told her how important she is to me...

And THAT...
Is what makes me sad...

That I could be so naive!
That I could be sad,
Not to have her love,

When so much of it was up to me.

Needing her more, than she ever may have known..
Her love, innocent like mine.
Heart pure, like mine...

Maybe would have better reminded me, I'm not so alone.

But instead, how I've danced
This shadow life...
And gone wandering off into the darkness all alone...

When all along...
Maybe I would have done better,
To return home.

And so I say this now.
And hope, I can do better this time around,
To sturdy myself so.

To not go it, or feel so alone...

To CREATE a home,
Stead of running,
And running
Away.

"Shadow Dance"...

Because we need both sides..

The dark and the light...
To free our soul.

To free our soul.

To journey home.
And within.

I love them.
And I want to return home.

Finding a way to dance
The balance between
Life's hot & cold
Contrast and One.

A little light in my hole.
So I can finally make

That journey
Home.

"She writhes" 11/25/13 Impromptu

http://youtu.be/Uclej1JAhSM

Crying and Trying

So confused.
Up and down.
Hot and cold.
In and out.
Force myself to the kitchen.
Drag myself out.
Force myself to the food...
Thinking half a day.
Waiting for the pain to subside,
So it won't hurt so much to make.

Sweating til I'm cold,
Hot til it's off...
Back pain and neck shouting..
Killing me
In and out...

Anything I'll do.
Keep this pain but down...

Knowing I need food,
Getting close to forcing it now.

Almost there.
The snack subdued.
Almost there.
Trying to nurture the best the pain will allow me to.
Outstretched,
This is all I know how to do...
When the pain becomes despair..

So I break here,
And I break there...

Anything to make,
The pain just a little less there.
A little better to bare...

A little less there.
Forcing water down.
And keeping the bad stuff away, save for the pills, I couldn't take it today...

Another day.
Anything to take
A little bit of it away...

Head struck.
Sharpness stuck.
Anything.
Anything.
To subdue this pain.

Anything...
Can't
Subdue

This pain, oh yet, of course
Another day

Touch of Madness

I genuinely writhe.

And I scramble to find a pen as my phone is dead.
And as the pen doesn't write, I boil
And scramble, scramble
Around the apartment..
Shuffle...each pen! Nothing!

I remember how I left my apron in the car!
And I panic,
As if searching for drugs! Anything!

I search through old bags, ANYTHING,
As within me, a hysteria begins to rise up
From someplace I don't know.

The words.

I JUST DON'T WANT
The words to get lost!

The frustration is dry wood to a seething fire of pain in my body.
I thrash! My kidneys! The tears!

The Ache! My head! My neck tight,
And tightening, as in a devise and nerves wrench!

My blades! Tears to pain, Red Hot
-My Wings
-She Cries
-My Wings!

And I throw the wretched fucking pens, no ink! Scrambling for ink,
Like the lighters unleft, when she left,
Though plenty of weed!

And I find myself ravaging the page
With scribbled impressions
Of no black or blue,
Back and forth,
Pressing deep til' the pages tare,
As I think

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!"?!?!

And that pen goes flying,
As I grip my insides not to scream,
Before I spot my fucking Tarot Bag, and think..."maybe there!"
Just Maybe there's a pen in that one

As if it's going to save me from this pain pulsing!
GOD, Anything!

And I watch my hands shake, as I pull out it's contents;
Cards fall

And I pull at them
Just to get to the bottom!
And Yes!!! Yes!!
Three! Three fucking pens!

And I'm writing now,
Nothing to subdue the aching:
The pains pulsing that red hot and aches in heart.. Or chest, sharp as I hold back the tears from this ravaging intensity!
Burns, like aches..

Desperation!
The pain has me desperate- Hot flashes making it throb worse, entire body throughout..
Desperate to make it go away 'til I want to crack my skull on something!

No! Not years of emotional pain, (or fucking maybe),
Years of aching bones and trying to cope,
With pills- shove that pain down though it won't work anyway!
Weak spells from pain red,
Nerves cringed, and fried.

My kidneys hurt! Three days..
My back..my neck..my tears..

My eyes, my heart
My spine tight, and pulsing...weak
And no amount of water right now,
Is curing me.

Curing this writhing pulsing in places I'm supposed to feel free,
Back barely bending, agonizing to breathe.
What happened to the branches in me?
Stiff & Dark
Shadowed with creek..

Grasping for writing
As if it's going to save me!

Anything to take their voices away
Anything to take their voices away

Anything
To take their voices away
Trying not to take pain medication today-
Not after 8 months of coffee and no cures, Excedrin, cigarettes & alcohol.
8 months of Her and no me
8 months of trying and getting lost

And still,
THEIR voices in MY head, while I'm writhing and bed-ridden..

..the pain a little less now
As Maniac drowns me with enough
The same pain
To numb it out a bit.
Even.

Even it, out.

Watching my Sunday in movies
And a pain that hasn't gone away
In 3 days

...and this!
This wasn't even what I was going to write!
Those words,
Indeed, lost in the fight.

There are some days, the words
Don't do anything to portray
The worlds of pain
Inside or Out.

Today is definitely that day,
As I ravage instead of paint.
As I scribble instead of try
As I grimace to the pain
And don't so worry at all
About "capturing" it right.

Rather,
To write for the write

And that's all...

As I ravage my pen, from the pain
Desperately agonizing that it hasn't gone away.
3 days.
Ache.
Ache.
My own.
28 years
And most of them don't know..

That the days that come
Without this pain

Come in relief..

Reminding me
I'm doing something
Not
Write.

Memoirs to Her Danna

Sweety!
Kiss me AND consume me! Bite me, and eat me. Devour me like my thighs are prey between your teeth.
If it is consumption, I laid to that attempt, many a wonder-ago..
Laying beneathe skies,
And being enveloped so.
Longing, a foreign mount.
Leaving it all behind, everything that had made me cry, and laying now
At rest,
In your bed,
As you consume everything I gave to you,
So long ago.
What it is, today, I surrender to-
No use in fears anymore,
Even if there is indeed,
A fear that ought to be respectable.
I...
Have loved you for so long, and hard..
With so much of me somehow, but in the most uncontrollable sense of who I am.
You may take me. May even so give me away, as you please.
Winning.
Bowing.
Maybe a tear to come, but slaves n'er a chance at happiness
Anyway.
Or...
Am I the story I so love?
-Deep down, that Geisha, I know the story of..
finding her Danna
Loving him, loving her.
When that is the only respect,
A Geisha may ever know of love.
Fox Trot.
I miss you so. Love you so!
And maybe it better,
That u are where u are,
Still, unknown.
In kisses, and love affairs,
I'll fair away for you baby.
Love you so baby.
Find my soul maybe,
Or die, maybe.
Knowing you,
More than this premise, studying you though, as this life,
Much different.
Are we both,
Much different now?
This time around.
Incarnation or two?
Do you know I love you?
My Danna.
Hate to love something you never know will surrender to you
..or, what's worse after that..
Finding that it doesn't actually fit.
I know..
How love is.
You made me understand how the fear could be great, from the pain.
But with me,
Love is ever a game,
This Nihilist, Goddess, Slave-Angel..
And you...
You are my Knight!
Trojan. Warrior.
Flame. Samurai.
Do you know I've loved you?
Whoever it is, you are
In this life?!

My Namaste

What if I said,

I understood?

Because as they pull at me..
I turn away..

Needing a little bit of me
Without the world...

For A
First time.

And there is something about it,
That feels like you...
And how you pulled away...

At probably this person needing that,
And that person needing this,

And all of them
Wanting you somewhere in all that to fit..

And then you...
Maybe having just reached that point,

Where it doesn't fit...

So I
Find myself pulling away...

From them...

And for some odd, perhaps even miracle
(Who knows at this point)..

You are the only one,
Who I am letting in
That perhaps right now,
Doesn't fit.
Or seemingly so...

But maybe,
You do..

Here..

As I pull away from them and find myself understanding YOU more
In doing so.

It is an interesting.."vibration"..
A little cozy..

Knowing you much prefer your own company, easy, at peace..even when still diseased..
Than to feel "pulled by them" & "all THEIR needs"..

And I smile.
And THAT frequency sends an entire electric velocity right through the rest of me
(Weird)..
And again, I just think,
"I love you"..

Echoing sound and true through me,
Out into the universe...

Like Chanting..

And I go in one "thought of love"
From absorbing, seeing...
To emanating....penetrating...

And then I even out once more...
Mere seconds,
Back to both.

I guess the point is...
I "love you" because whether you know it or not...
You are so deeply teaching me..
(Touching me)...
Without even meaning to.
Or trying.

And I guess that kind of thing forces a love after all, and after time..
Because isn't that what seeing...
Understanding into another...
Is all, and all about?!

"I see you"...profound, right?!

"I see you"...
And in doing so,
I see me...

And we are one.


*****sidecar***



Understanding, is a principle I have fought for for years- understanding, mind you, being the ONLY porthole into TRUE COMPASSION of the heart and mind spirit..."being seen" has also been a gargantuan struggle, fight, lesson, & life theme for understanding for me, my entire life!

"Namaste", has been my favorite spiritual understanding...and sanctitude. It has led me to the deepest parts of myself, as a creation, and what that means, in this universe, most people in my life, still not having a clue as to how I REALLY FEEL about labels, and God...mostly because those deepest discussions haven't yet been placed.
(I say this, only because it is valuable to them...this "understanding"...and it is valuable, to the planet.
And there are many now, spreading this "knowledge", though, we need many more. )

Writing this poem...
I had the revelation that...

The two things I have struggled with the most 1) Being Understood (therefore and also 2) Being Seen...

Have been the two deepest "portholes" into "The Living & Understanding of Namaste..which happens to be, This Lion of God's (or Warrior of Love's) purpose, for, "Ariel" as I have come to understand by name, mean's to be both things!



THAT PURPOSE?
1) Planetary Awareness
2) Spreading the message
Of light, of love, of how we create, of how we "operate", of what to do, of how to do it (channeling inspiration & honoring our feelings, motions, and cycles)...
3) Finding and spreading THE TRUTH as much as we can understand it.

Namaste...is the essence of this purpose.

Through the people I have seen,
And therefore loved
(Or loved and therefore seen)

I have been given the gift of understanding them,
And therefore me.

And that means understanding and honoring the world, now doesn't it?!
So it seems!
So it seems.

"It's not all love & light...there are very dark things"...

But it is in Namaste: Compassion, Understanding, "Seeing"...

Where I think the Highest form of God dwells...

That form?

LOVE.

And we may never understand or see all the way...
But the more we understand and see the nature of love in our being...

The more we will give way and rise,
To this "Compassion"
To Seeing, and Understanding...

And loving and honoring..

And in that...

Lessening the pains of this world...

THAT...
Is why I AM

Here.

It is likely,
So ARE YOU.

Namaste.

This Time Last Year; Relapse

Okay...
Okay...

I'll wait.

Because it is a tapping on my shoulder,
By the ever around..

Because I know you are here,
Somewhere,
Listening...

Because when I know this,
I feel it..

Our love.
Exquisite.

And tomorrow,
I may rant. & rave...

Because the truth is, it hurts many days,
Being loved like this- coy.

It is raining.
The pavement shining...

And my walking a block, dripping..
Remembering the last time I had my feet bare, I was texting u my love...

Under a tree,
In night escapes away..

And every time you are with me...
Everyday...

I always felt good.
Heh...well almost anyway.

But at least,
It was always magic.

And I remembered my bare feet,
To dripping trees and puddled streets,
And u, there...
Not such a world away,
As u talked with me.

It has never left me, so many days.
Everything a memory
Of the shorts we allowed in.

But I remember quite a many of them.
And I don't know.

You know I don't...know...

How I'm supposed to do this.
But to try to just forget you?

Because nothing you do,
Keeps me at all...

Or keeps me safe...

Yet why do I feel you,
Eyes burning my back?

Always having wanted you...
In All ways,
Wanting you back.

But how I want to be mad enough to leave it! How could you do this to me?

I don't understand.
I've always kept thinking were were friends...

But no...huh?
Not really.
In your now, u dishonor me.

And I'm so bi-polar and split to u...
Doing this...
To me.
Ever wanting our chance...and to forgive...
But then..

Looking at reality.

Where there is dishonor.
Lack of honesty.
What of integrity?

Split, baby, split.
Loving you is so easy to hating you.
And u know this.

I have to find a way...
To say
Goodbye...

And I'm actually re-losing myself all over again trying...

Somewhere.
It was always easier to love you, than to be without you...

But I have always been without you...
And I guess that's why,
I'm Dying..

All over.
All over again.

Cutting Onions

Cutting onions now-
My heart hurts.

...I might as well
Just kill them.

So I pace over,
And finally decide to have a drink..
And she's texting me,
This foxy thing,
And all I can smell is more heartbreak,
Amidst ruins running away.

And the Rock looks so much better this cloudy day...
So I think I'll crawl under..

But I can't,
So I get myself ready for work..
With food- cutting onions..
And yeah...
I think I need that drink.

Tears now, shaking my cages..
Ribs and all.
Always second,
Is what this dream seems to be spelling out to me...

And I don't want to believe it..
As I catch myself,
Cutting onions in slow motion..

Her texting me.
Wanting my body..

And I think that really is there..
My heart,
Laying on the floor.

Don't know if I have any of it in me right now...

Heartbroken..
Chest cold with ache..

Substituting addictions
As I slow to stop them all...
Weaning off..

Cutting onions..
Making myself something healthy....
And just wishing I could kill them all off...

Everybody
Who Tugs at my heart strings.

The rock looks so lovely...
I think I'll go ahead...

And cover now.

Resting Just A Few

I guess there are some things that are good...
Like How today,
I will get home and make myself some coffee
And I will throw a movie on and get back into bed

And while I'm aware that many don't have such a luxury,
I also have the voices of antagonists in my head..
Like how she had called me self centered...
And MY OWN VOICE,
Wanting to rupture me into action,
That I feel so far behind in...
Underneath,
A broken heart,
That I fell and fell once more,
For his same old routine to me...
And then there's the Card I pulled-
"Cycles and rhythms" reminding me...

To heed, heed,
The call of my body-
It's temples...
It's cycles...
And Rhythms..

And today, maybe one of those manic needs,
Where everything hits...
"And hits finally"...

Thinking maybe I had put in my time..
Thinking yet again, as these oceans conquer tide,
And tie over me.

And I'm thinking,
These things are good...
Feeling and feeling at all.
Slinking if that is what I wish a bit...
If it means to rest my soul a bit...

Cuz I'm so tired this week.
And I find myself trying to run away once more...

And maybe it's better,
If I just stay a little put...
And appreciate my lifestyle
For the luxuries it has.
If it means
Resting my soul abit,
And sleeping off feelings of being used and discarded...
Called names by those who clearly don't have the same heart as my own..

Then maybe,
There are some things that are good today.
Cup of warm coffee to beautiful clouds gray- I actually do love them...
And Genki...
My little Genki...
How he keeps my warm In heart and bed...
As we practice Uncondition to one-another..
And as I slowly rest
My Heart & My Head

How the Wolf cries to the Moon

So sad.
Finally hit,
Like low drums
And symphonies swaying tragic composition...
The sadness...
Finally hits.
And I will cry...
As you are right...
It will not change a damn thing, will it?..

Will it.
So I'm crying...
Because I need to.
Because I love you.
Because THIS is how we're doing it...

And I don't know if the signs are lies of imprint...
Some other soul tracking me...

But it is sad.
"Sing for the Lion & Lamb"
Arrangement slow and haunting
As I watch vampires and wolves...
And hear your howl
And feel your bite.

I may very well cry myself to sleep tonight...
Letting you hold me from afar if that is what u wish.
If that is what will get me through...
This sadness...
Every loss...
Really..
Just the loss of you...

"Sing for the Lion & Lamb"
The universe rains in my eyes...
"Sing for the Lion & Lamb"
Missing you. Feeling her...
Her character through the love they share...
Him...her...
And how he left to keep her safe. Or
"Left her alone in this".

"Sing for the lion & lamb"...
I sing for the lion & lamb.
Searching for you. Looking for you always.
Just like how he left her, His Bella.
And she couldn't breathe, or live without him...
Once they met.
And maybe she saved his soul...
And maybe he did indeed...
Save hers.
Sing for the Lion & Lamb...
Crying myself to sleep tonight,
Literally now,
As the wolves howl,
In the movie that was left on my doorstep this eve.
Sign?
Or no sign?

How do I know? Really?!
Always spilling my heart, oh a fool...
In hopes
You actually do want me...

I don't know. It is only faith...
And testimony...
Hope..
And love....

That makes me a damned fool.
A blind seer.
But I am okay
With the sadness tonight...
Because at least it means...
I have truly,
So truly...
Allowed myself to love you.
And with much more grace than your kind mighta had on me, many lives before today.
I will cry myself to sleep.
And awake strong.
For you.
For me.
And for the us we may
Or may never be...

It was nice seeing you last night, In my dreams- more needed that you know...

But it is bittersweet and raining now...
Chest to chest.
Heart to heart.
Eye to eye.
Mind to mind...

Is this goodbye?
Even if you are
"Here with me now"?

Movie slowed down...
Almost the end..
And my exhaust is slinking me into
Beds without you.

Okay.
I'll be strong.
Strong..
And go on...

Enough with
And so without you.
Bitter.....sweet..
That butterfly ...and Bee..
And how their sting,
Is from such opposing worldly things.

Asleep...

I'll let you catch me ..
While I'm falling..
Asleep

My Ghost

Fuck baby, I love you.
Loving you more today; in it.
Missing you more today; begin it.
Beguiling Devil Play,
And my twist as barb around your heart;
My claws, baby, my claws.

You can't take this away- trying.
You can't stop this thing, unless you're lying.
You can't run...not for long;
Please don't.
Are we not both caged to each other?
Or Is that my imagining...
Making love but wanting,
No other invoked.
Rights of passage, just creating longing now.
I must be missing something...

I must be missing something..
Wanting nothing more
Than Real Man's Mark
And you, skin to skin,
Heaven or Dark...

Nothing more than the chance to fucking bare you,
You fucking thing!

Seems as if it would be storms
And dreams in nights boxed up
To who you seem to be.

What a long time, but I'm getting it finally...

That it really is YOU, I love...
Getting the clue,
From time passing,
And voices through...
From unspoken to telepathic view..
Now dreams...
And laughs,
And moments trusted...

Though broken..now..
Not a smirk but a slant of sadness upon the lips
She thought
Were yours.

Missing you like longing.
Not sad,
But sometimes...
Mostly because,
You won't answer will you?
Cut off the flow, the divine...the love that so naturally would,
DOES
Stream through.

Let him win then,
You always do!
Let him take the best parts of you..
And take,
And take them from me...

Before I've ever gotten the chance to see...

And even then,
Here I am...
Ridiculously,
Seemingly,
Un-verifyingly,

In love with you...

I'm starting to think it's true...

From the moments you won't run,
But walk with me...
To enjoy the view.

But loving you, My God..
Is also, as though to Love A Ghost...

Sometimes gone, before you were ever even here...
But also,
Sometimes here,

Without me ever knowing...
Now aren't you?

I dreamt of you, last night.

I miss you.

You were real there.
Real there *tearing
Because here,
Where we live..

Seems more the dream..

Where you are Ghost, from another place, the veil a distance between..

But my sleep,
Like haven,
And heaven,
And home...

When you actually
Will exist next to me...

I dreamt of you last night.
It was so good to see you, my Knight.
You weren't perfect...

You were just you..
And it was good-

Felt right..

The Rabbit Hole

Dear mother...

No,
I am not picking up the phone.
I said what I had to say.
You will never see this.

Just as I have never gotten to see you.
You, beyond every painful thing you still do, to this day.

I am thankful,
You made me. Gave me something to strive against
And to strive towards...

But I am also sick in the gut,
Making it up to you,
With my blood,
And my life..
My energy,
And all the fears that whirl around in me,
Like Hell's mass and demons,
From a life you taught me to live and fear.

So here,
I am...
Breathing peace.
Not ready to listen to your stories...
Not needing a mother anymore,
Or a parent who's just going to hurt me...
And keep, not seeing me.

My little girl,
Would be my everything.
Backed, and supported,
Though suspended when I felt it necessary.

I will never love her,
Or him,
The way I was loved with the label of "parenting"...

My love is world's away,
In a different realm,
And I can see her face now-
My Twillight.
My Dawn.
My Sura.

She will know Mommy loves her...
And we will know respect even in a chaotic sea between her and me...

And I...
Do not need to pick up the phone to you,
My enemy..
And taker...
Taker,
Of my everything, so accidentally...

You will never see this, gladly..

I love him...
You do not understand the meaning of this.
You do not see, or know me...
Though I know that past the pain,
You are indeed so proud of what u can fathom.
Proud beyond the victim in you that takes me down to play your debut;
Me- The bad guy...
Still bleeding on the floor when it comes to loving,
Having been taught the most how to love
By you-
Witch of Melancholy...

Even WHAT I SEE,
Is but not 1%...

But so then,
Imagine they.

Almost can't.

For in this world, it would seem,
That I am the one that's Awake...
One of some of many...

But most,
Still abiding
By the dream...

And even what I see,
1%...
Not really...

And I'm just trying to get used,
To fitting these shoes..

Brand new,
Perfect- That sexy, mixed with the Eclectic, subtly hinting of Mystic...
But still tight, the squeeze...
Still rubbing the skin..
Still getting these shoes,
(New Face)
To fit in...

And so no...
I'm not picking up the phone today..
You distances far away,
From the place you've had here.

Show me!

Because I'm done here...
Today...
In peace...
Where it's just better that you're not here...

Because here I can breathe.
I can actually,
Factually...
Feel the air...

The oxygen into my heart.
My mind.
My Space-Piece

My Soul,
Like emerging. Oneness. No worries....

And I know it is fleeting...

But it's also a single moment of "knowing"..

Knowing as we hone in on moments,
More paid attention to-
More breathed through..

Sitting...
Atop my Tree.
Cosmos & Me...
And all the Love there is...

Tapping into
Every him and her,
Every cherished moment...

Not one, but all souls...
And me and The Divine...

One Infinite Cosmic Orgy...
From within.
At any given...
Ruptured, raptured moment...
Every Goddess,
Every Saint, and Animal...

One Cosmic Orgy,
When I take myself away...

From this Earth.

These Shoes...
Like Dorthy's Gift before The Storm...

Alice trailing behind.
And Psychedelics or mere Imagining...

Taking the soul
Out, once more.

Out.

There's no phone reception here,
In The rabbit Hole.

Unspoken For

Baby..

Babe..
I know you do not deserve that title..
But I miss you so....
Underneath,
Like a low hum.
A long hymn...

A longing to have you,
Physically,
Here beside me...
So you could stop running-
You won't.

And as "She" smiles to herself,
Side smirk,
Laughing almost out loud,
Because it IS such a joke!!..

I still just wish I could have that chance to love you...
Not sad...for once...
But curious...
Loving you enough that I want it to be you I can laugh with in the middle of the night..
You scooping me up tight...
Tired from sex and just wanting that "teddy"...

It's real though isn't it?
"What if, what if, what if?"...
Fuck what if...
Why aren't you here?!
Taking a chance to keep me warm one night of many.
Giving me a chance to let you be real?
May we make you real?

I'll take you in the real.
As you are.
Eating it up; not about the other stuff...
Just about time.
With.
You.

Yeah...
I miss you my baby.
Lodged so deep, so undeservingly,
For so long.
And it's a funny thing;
In many ways I don't mind loving you so...
THIS way...
But the real would be nice.
We'll devour the awkward and let the plight of the night roller-coast Heaven and Hell.
Make me mad. Tease me.
Then tell me you love me,
And "need me"...
Make me want it,
And I will give it gladly.
Missing you, My Lord.
Fuck,
Missing what you do to me.
While you go here hiding.
'Stead, force my abiding...
And write my heart into cages
You gladly, laughingly,
Toss the key away to..

Then,
Tuck me in, when I'm not looking.
And study me, when I'm "Sleeping"
And show you can fathom the tick-ticks of my universe, my Love,
For so long.

I need
A love like yours,
Dreaming of whipping that shit
Into chain-caged bending..
I'll Tsunami your beaches,
And trees.
And allow them to bend and reshape to me-
We'll make the land a new
Though the wrecked becoming Salvation's que.
You don't even know, do you?!
Stupid Lolly,
Baby..., ride or die me
Ride to quiet me,
And we'll tame The Beasts
Including the one's inside,
While riling the world into ride or die.

A love sweet and contradictory
Like marriage
To the death of the old,
And children to an emerged velocity of nonsense...
Making sense from miracles,
The the force that pulls two people to abide
By old childhood selves...

You don't even know, do you?!
Seeing you...
Having to pretend not to,
So your pride doesn't shoot stories tall...

Watching you stall...
And fuck you for this!
I would love to the smack the shit out of you for this,
And watch you smile...
At me...
Knowing the crazy comes because you drive this force in me,
Like Love...

Maybe Love..

Even though you're too scared to believe.

I'd love,
To make you real, to me.
Skin's awkward becoming a year's rising...
Overtaking,
Everything you've feared in seconds
Of now.
And now.
And more
Now.

Fuck you for doing this!
I wish I could hit you.
And watch you smile at me, thinking,
She's ridiculously fucking cute"...

You know the fuck you deserve it.
You also, ought to by now,
Be able to hear my voice
In your mind,
From memories of talk,
And know "she means it"...
"When she says I love you"

Not some hopeless romantic ideal of perfection...

But real.
Real enough that ya, I would love to hit and slap you...
Love for you to laugh...
Laugh...
Stead of this...
Nothing.
Nothing.
Miss you, baby.
My baby.
Always been my stupid baby!
Clever, too smart,
Angering me...
And I wish,
Submitting me,
And giving me a chance to let you talk me out of anger

In laughed seductions and deflections,
Of reward.

Reward me,
For this. All this.

And take me in.
And fuck that life out of Me...
Before tucking me in after I fall asleep.

Keep me..

Reward me
For holding you here.

I long to see
Past the ice-break.
What fun
There could be...

And yeah..
Love & Trust Undoubtedly...

Oh boy...

But that's silly with you,
My Lover Baby...

Ever hopping, hopping..
Uncaught.
& Determined.

"It is mean"...
She saying Laughingly...
Knowing it's ridiculous.
Ridiculous she loves this friend who's not such a friend I've known...
Unconditional,
As she smiles it away.
Wishing indeed,
She could get that once chance to make real and nullify
The unbroken Ice...
The "I'm afraid to"...
Questions upon questions,
Putting off,
You just here.
Devouring me...
As you always should
Have been.

As you should be.

No tomorrow.
Or Yesterday...
Just you,
In my bed,
Keeping me.
Scooped.
Done.
Sheltered.
Altered.
Reborn.
And all in that...

The next morning...

Waking up to you.

I would love that...
And hate it,
Till you allowed yourself
To love it too.

Dreamer

I am a dreamer; let me dream.
And as I walk beside this garden,
Fountain a'gurgling...
Enchantment, my favorite part of This street,
I soak in the morning air, the freedom to be, and I find myself dreaming
Once more.
Dreaming of what, they in nay-saying have tried to take from me-
Dreaming of vast peace,
In my own garden's
My own life
That may or may not come before me.
Dreaming of those miracles,
They try to cut me short on...
Dreaming in love.

I have been a little girl,
For a very long time.

And something in me has finally grown up
For this occasion...
Has decided to rise.

It is family and "friend" that may very well tare us down the most-
We have to be willing to still strive,
Regardless of what miracles
They may never let themselves see...
That doesn't mean
We should ever stop being willing to be,
That which we stand for.

So, yeah... I do dream...
And I look out, most the world not so much understanding,
Through the eye's I've seen.
And I'm beginning to accept now,
That perhaps, I am on a pedestal.
Call me unhumble,
I just can't stay down there in that view..
Where I can't see God,
Through the burning flesh and ash.

I have been called many things,
Maybe even many of them true...

I realize now,
I just have to stop caring...
It really is silly.

Some people will see you,
Some people won't.
Plenty will judge,
Especially those u want to the least...

Maybe,
Maybe this is why so many
Stand and walk alone.

Much less to answer to. To fight against.
To take.
Not saying it's the best way...
But I can see how there may be more peace in that...
Afterall.
In a world after us,
There are few who will not participate in taking us down.
The dreamers...the dreamers...
And how we must keep to what we see.

It is hard to explain everything I know...
And even harder when they still don't understand...
So yea...
I'll walk my walk,
And I'll dream my dream...

And So, I'm sheltering a bit now.
Because I have loved fiercely...
And let them in maybe a little too much.
Let them take on
A little too much...

And instead,
After all this time,
I'm finally enjoying that walk alone...
That stand alone...
Because it doesn't feel so lonely anymore.

The Angels Couple my hands,
And hover my back...

The breeze is sunny, and the air fresh,
And I know I stood for myself today.
Know I accepted my human parts...
Knowing it is all done.

Knowing it never meant anything...

Knowing so much,
That tears of gratitude stream.
Because I did not wrong myself this day.

And there is something that feels intrinsically good about that,

Wherever it may lead.

The Purge

Babe....

Love...

Fingers, intertwine into mine.
Won't you lay it all away?
Why won't you lay it all away?

Kiss,
Your lips.
Your shoulders,
Where maybe,
You don't so deserve,
Where maybe...
You know it.
But notice it does not stop me,
From giving in.

I
Am not Her- your mother...
Not her...your ex.
But I, am also not you, still cruel.
Will you not,
Lay that all away?

What is so hard about loving yourself?
Finding the inspiration in all things,
And yes, especially in me,
Unless...
You just don't want to..

Why do you hold onto the pain so,
My love.
My Soldier.
My rebel.

Still not worthy,
Of this motherly hand..
Nor Goddess,
Nor Yogi...
Nor the Animal that she is.

I love you, baby.
I love you so much,
And I am not stupid to turn an eye to see, that yeah...maybe I could hate you too.
Maybe that's why you distance yourself from me.

Maybe I would hate how you get apathetic and moody.
Maybe I would fear you would torcher me with that energy you use to torcher yourself...

Maybe, also,
I have always just been hoping,
You had it in you
To heal yourself up.
Sow yourself up...
And stop running so.

Maybe all you have wanted from me, was my body...

But She, my vessel, contains my heart too...
And me, and you...
We are something else aren't we?

Well maybe, all you wanted
Was that!
Divide and conquer...
Well babe,
You did that.
Are u happy now?

I can not lie, how I have wanted your hand over your meat...
Your softness over your pain...
Your love over your self hate...

I can not lie, that what I give of my flesh has only been, because you had somehow stolen my heart..

I can not lie.
I can not lie.
I choose not to...

But I also know,
I am okay now...
For once,
In a state of peace I thought I could never achieve...

And here my sweet love,
I still love foolish,
Sad,
Cowardly little you...
You, with the fierce heart.

Oh, and it is a sweet love,
You will probably never know..

Because yes,
I am so very done,
Selling, ever selling, my soul.

But should you want to lay it down,
And sound and sound those temple bells,
Perhaps one day...

You could learn a love,
As you lay this down,
And Love that self...

You know, the brilliant, kind, un-"sociopathic" side...

I love you baby.
I do.

And afar we will keep it.
Until there can be God,
Between us two.

Moon by the Tarot

Free forming to a written hand and two bludgeoned demons
Left on the side;
She a side-ways mess
To and fro, before you know, none of it
Was ever in the clear, or near or there,
But
Here! Here! Here!
She vines words around sweetly wrapped
Trail-blazing sin
And sits on it again and again,
Until orgasms melt into quaking awakened
Mind-body masses,
Needing nothing else but tall glasses,
And indiscreet, belly-flopping
Ammunition
As boats go a'sailing back home.

Drowning her head, stomping it out, with medicine, oh medicine..
Hangover and wraths about, trying to shake away her peace-
Never stopped once today,
To think, or think about it,
Or that something could indeed cut the chord off from Divinity
Infinity, like breathless soul,
And rising flying,
As souring to meet, meet, meet with the minds, where we go,
To get but a little bit of peace..
Okay, a lot a bit!
And knowing,
And not knowing so much more than we know,
That boat in the sky is lost
To all the secrets subconscious spells have us to our chains.
Barriers depriving, before midnight rains, but then, oh then, the moon comes out,
Revealing
Everything.

Double-Edged Mirror

Closing my eyes,
I see a hue of blue through dripping lenses.
She, the color, is Universal-
The kind a blue, you look upon galaxies...
And admire the spark, of their dust.

There is nothing I can do to reach out to you...
Nothing I have ever been able to do,
In forcing not just love,
But also,
A certain kind of.

Uttering "I love you", in my heart,
And I feel how those words ring my temple so, sounding throughout,
As though a Gong, awaking mass.
When I utter, such heart space,
Those words, suddenly don't seem so small
Or trivial- how they say saying them,
Doesn't do the feeling justice at all...

But, they do...
As I sound those three words for you.
They move me...and yet, how so I am at peace..
Distraught (maybe) underneath..
And so many whirlwinds of things, ...
But overall...
Peace..
For now.

You left. Both of you.
And I smile, seeing the silliness,
And then the dark sadness,
That in seconds,
Brings showers...

But never taking the beauty away.

I realized today...
How..
There was this boy,
Who maybe had been taught...
Starting with dear Old Mom..
That a woman could never be trusted.
I knew a girl who thought so too.
And they left. The both of them.
And that's when I realized,
How dangerous I had always looked..
In particular...
A "creature like me"...
Particularly,

A creature like me.
You,
Of all people know, my Love..
That our outward appearance is a clever disguise...
You...
Of all people,
Though still choosing, feeling,
To fear me so.

Sweet Soul,
Who needed to be scooped up and shown a better life..
A way to love..
A way
To know
Love in Family.

I
Never knew
Love in family...
Until my Father came to a perfectly failed rescue...
Not failed at all,
But perfectly unrescued I was..
Accept but by the love
Family would show and grow
Over what has somehow become 12 years now.
Love is time.
It is also respect. Honor...
And in my opinion, something few ever truly experience
For our love, down here..
Is ever so shaded in gray.

I do
Have the highest standards..
I can see this now.
In the sense that potential is the volumes by which many will never reach.
Most, won't even strive for.

I do
What's hard,
Loving the enemy..
Loving the friend..
Loving the insane..
Turning the other cheek,
Apologizing in vain...

I can't even stand to do to them what they have done to me,
Without collapsing in guilt,
And apologizing in vain.
I do, what's hard,
Knowing LOVE,
By a whole different name.

Did you ever stop to think,
That you can not have love without God?!

The bible had at least that much correct.
You can not have love without God.
God
Is
Love...

And so, conclusively quite,

Love
Is
God

You can not have one without the other, nor seperate them.

The ones I have loved,
Have almost loathed themselves..
If not,
Most certainly have..

You can not
Have Love,
Without God...

Nor most certainly,
God...
Without
Love.

(Falling asleep)...to be continued..

The Voice from Prayer

As I pray, I talk to myself from my Angel's perspective; maybe just my Higher Christ-Self...
And this is what I hear them say:

Do not fret, Ariel.
Do u feel that In your chest?(talking about my pumping heart and very human body)
You are human. Do not feel that guilt. You do not hurt others; they LET themselves be hurt.
(This does not mean do not be careful or considerate not to)...it only means,
Do not fret,
If indeed, they do get hurt.
It is easy to take this world personally. We ask you not to.
Stand strong in who you are, in your mission, and do not waver now. You are loved, so see the love. Everywhere you go.
Do not fret
On judgements or opinions, instead...stand strong in your truth.
And go, where you will be loved, and understood.
And when there is not that place, in the present moment..
Then come to Us...
And go within.
You are loved here.
Stand strong in that.
And do not let the world hurt you so, anymore, oh, delicate soul.
They will do as they will do, and you will cause mighty Change,
Much beyond, anything you'll know.
So fret not.
Be in gratitude. See the beauty all around you...
And let THAT take over...
And we WILL help you.
Begin to know now, your strength.
Begin now, to relish and cherish in the beauty, the gratitude..
The love all around...
Stead of sit and relish in the pain. Or your past.
Honor us...
And we will continue to take care of you.
Much more than you know.
Give yourself credit. And start relishing in that. There is a backlog of memories you have paved over, that hold accomplishments you tend to forget.
Relish in these,
And for heaven's sake,
Stop that fretting!
Be in love. Stand in love.
And we will continue to stand with you. "

Revolutions

Sometimes I don't know who I am-
In the face of all they have to say.
Sometimes...
I forget who my friend's are,
While loving other's that mascarade away.

Some days,
Seem so wrong.
In all they are willing to think,
Or judge upon.
Reminding me, now,
As I have grown strength,
That I can not fret so,
On the un-mighty opinions of others,
Especially when perhaps,
It does not stand in the mighty strength
Of
Man with God.

They fret,
And call it love...
Still so much to learn..
And sometimes,
When I think
I am so far behind,
In moments like these,
I see the paradox,
Is that I am really ahead.
And at many a times,
A man
Just standing alone.

My notions of God & Life,
Are romantic so-
Stymied by the minds around
That have grown family's and jobs
That have allowed "what's normal"
To override their sense of "right".
Is it right to participate in genocide?

If it is not genocide of the Spirit in us all that just wants to fly free,
Then perhaps it is the Genocide of the
"Freedom to Be"...
And if it not that, such a genocide,
How about we just look at how we all enslave and kill animal-love,
Just to call it meat.
And if THAT, is not genocide,
How about how we amass a single being,
Just because we do not agree...
Heaven-forbid, you ask, or look into their eyes, before judgements are made behind their backs,
But ALOUD, in other's company?
Genocide,
Because we do this by the plenty.
And yet with it,
Every singularity, crucified.

And if THAT, is not Genocide?!
How about how we still let the FDA stand,
When it is everything wrong and poisonous to LIFE...
Or how we have failed to over-throw in revolutions,
The 1%,
That not only send our families to war,
But kill families innocent upon outside continents?!
And If THAT, is not Genocide...
Then how about how we let that same 1%,
Take our homes away on OUR land,
And make a once prospering continent,
A nation of slaves and pains,
Disease, and loneliness,
Ailments and homelessness,
That will kill us off?
How about how almost all American Food is poisoned?
So...
You want to talk to me about Fame? Or expression?
I don't think so.
You want to talk to me about fear, concern for my health...
Well I died a long time ago.
You want to talk to me about being sick,
And bad judgment...
Your opinions don't concern me so..
Not when messages of Love,
Counter,
Counter,
And repave me...

You see...
What they tell me,
Revives me, and gives me purpose,
Faith, mission...
So when u bring fear and opinion,
Understand it can never compare,
To the love I receive outside of this Veil.
Understand,
I am here to evolve..

Not just myself,
But any who will come with me...
And I can only hope,
That will indeed be nations.

And if you think it best I play it small,
Understand, I don't.
I am here to create a revolution!
So if you want me,
Back in my box,
And your children's eyes unscathed...
It is a new day.
Marshall "Eminem" Mathers knew.
He knew the world needed the truth.
That suburban societies hide, in their homes,
While their neighbors and kids scream and cry beneath...
While we pave over chasms deep,
Where the blood of the devil and our dead run,
In what we call "Normalcy".

So when you speak to me,
Stop not knowing
What you're speaking against.

Thank the heaven's someone cares.
Enough to love.
Enough to cry.
Enough to speak the truth of pains we all try so hard to deny.
Enough to stand against Family and foe...

You either know why I walk,
Or you don't.
You either support cause, and love..
Compassion and truth..
Or you participate
In the Genocide of us all.

I am hypocrite.
Still doing things everyday, that I am sure,
Hurts the world around..
But those are my ignorances...
And so I ask you,
What
Are your own?

Oblivion

Mmmm!
I got through today.
Through my anger, sadness, guilt..
Through my blame.
Inside me now,
Even as tears well,
Is the light THEY
Want me to feel,
And remember again.

As I take, day after day,
Moment by moment..
And soak in, what I have left myself,
I see there is loneliness still-
That haunting dark abyss that used to drive my life..
My sadness..
My chaos..
But this day,
And after all this;
This year, AND,
This Life..
It is a small drop
In a very vast pond.

Nobody WANTS to be Angry..
But sometimes,
We just are.
Relationships fail.
It hurts. Even kills..
And we all..
Sometimes,
Just take,
That it's easier to blame.

I...
Don't want to be Angry.
I have hurt,
And said things,
And blamed.
And I
Have been wrong in doing so.
No-longer needing an apology..
Perhaps rather,
Just my own.

It may be hard,
That the outer world,
Is not always so quick to see.
So quick to know..
So quick to understand,
And therefore,
Lend that Compassion..

But I see now,
How I can not expect them too.
An ancient proverb reminds us,
That is is not the job of others to help us love ourselves...
That is our job,
And our job alone.

Should I even reach out my love,
I have seen, it goes not understood for what it is, so no,
I suppose by now,
There is no use in apologies..
Even, if I am sorry.
It is "the sorry" in me,
That loves beyond human form..
Loving beyond nasty words we wish we could take back..
Or what's worse...
Nasty thoughts...

I did not mean
To hurt.
And so I apologize to me,
That I may forgive now.
And move on.

They will or won't know me;
My Sorry...
Just as much,
They will or won't
Know their own.
In the cycle of everything-
Love, and Death, and Life, and Time...
This part of it all, is okay.

I did not mean to snap or be angry today.
Words I wrote, to release, going unposted now, but needed, ever-so...
To get over that river in the road.
And now...
After the anger, sadness, hurt, and blame...
For now mostly gone away...
I see only love now.
This moment, window, out of time..
Forgiving
And Loving
Into Oblivion

Testimony

Love as testimony.
I can feel my heart bleed itself,
But cathartically,
Releasing..
Dripping..
Seeping,
To come to another day,
Where when soundtracks are played,
I am a soldier to a beat,
A drum to the flair of wind and hair,
And living a life carefree,
Free.
For once in time,
I see me,
She..
Grazing underneath,
And releasing old scars...
Looking out-
There are flowers
And Her smile,
There is love,
And friendship..
There is connection,
And even this beautiful strength now,
To stand tall in the face of adversity.
To rise greater still,
Stronger now,
So when they speak,
I am unmoved, but by the Angels.
And my guides.
And the love that underscores all our tales:
Buried. Sad. Dark. Repressed...
Greater still the love,
Still abreast.
Still ever eternal
As we glide down and inward, to make resolve.
I...
Really
Loved them.
And I release that now..
Giving it back over to God and in the hands of the Angels,
Where they can domain as their shelter now-
Not being able to take back,
Or make happen...
Not being able to force,
But purely,
A surrender doth take place...
Simply because I know it must!

Love. Choices. Lust.
Kiss me on my forehead bare,
Where once my soul had ever
Been given over.
I see Us,
Hovering to time;
Suspended.
God, loving you ever still...
But I don't need this..
Version of us..
For it eludes the story
Of our honored.
Our respect.
A love, that yes,
The Angels might bless..
But I don't need this.
It would be too unfair, to us both, My Love.
Ever still mine.
Ever still thine.

To Have a View

Did you know, world, that
I love you? Deep. In the gut.
Where nerves get wrenched,
And that which is true
Will come to show?
Do you know,
That although,
You look back upon me,
Through the eyes of many egoic minds,
I still see you,
And love you true?!
Loving potential always.
But,
In the beauty of Is-ness,
There you dwell too.
And it is in This Is-ness,
That I feel you loving me,
In all it's complete
And reciprocating energy.
We...
Are energy.
Less we forget?
So what is a label but energy?
An opinion but energy?
And if it is yours, are you not creating the very energy of the label you speak?
Choose wisely..
For it is true...
That which we see in others,
Only truly reveals
How we view.
I'll say that
One more time:
That
Which we see in others,
Only truly reveals
How WE view.

I know this now.

Home Finally

I suppose I have come,
A long ways.
Suppose I am harder on myself,
But don't realize until those moments pass;
So as I kiss Genki,
Alone to OUR place,
I see Kyra,
And us buying him together.
I see the move back to my mom's
And losing the life we tried to built.
I see Ronan, in all that time..
And I see how Alecia too,
Has passed.
I see how she left this place,
Maybe because it was always mine.
And so now I am where I wanted to be somehow.
Pulled the jobs I wanted.
Alone finally away from them, and Her, Dear Mother.
And something feels right..
Even in the sadness,
With loneliness ever still,
Having a protruding tale.
I love him.
And gave all others their chance.
It is,
What it is,
As for now,
I do this Dance...
And see if I can find
A whole lot of soul,
Somewhere beneath.

One more Tear

I decided I wasn't going to waste a tear on you
So, as she spoke,
And I uttered those words of consolance,
I managed to catch them too.
And the tears roll down my cheek now,
But nice, and slow, still there...
And really, it's all
Caught up in my mind,
As if trying to make sense of a storm,
In hindsight. As if maybe watching one, through a peaceful glass.
Head-fucked.
I was inspired to play,
But now,
I sit trying to make sense of it all,
So much!
And that moment,
How I saw still, the shock.
Knowing, no..my sadness has not kicked in;
Seeing now,
I didn't want it to:
To shed
ONE
more tear over you.

The pit of Anger Swells
Hidden in
Everything I have not allowed myself to feel- like a seed, deep.
But it gorges, and bleeds,
And I feel it begin to pump restlessly
As I shed my tears
Over woes
And beauty.
Over those,
And all I see.
And all we feel-
The world & I.
I shed my tears for those...
And yea..
I see,
I shed my tears for you.
In all
The woe and beauty.
In the slow roll upon my cheek,
That does not actually amass only pain,
But so
Much
Glory in God,
As us.
All off us, each of us..
And still I find,
It is not enough, but only TIME,
Can be the achiever
To take the burden of pain away.
Even still, new pains..
.. likely trailing.