Take My Hand

Invisible force,
I need you. Take my hand
In ALL my collapse, and whisper truths back to me,
I can no longer see.

The hands I once reached out for, are no longer, and no longer
Holding me;
Reaching for me.

The illusions are wiped clean, where I was so very blinded...

Like a sheet pulled off of a heart and face.

I am delicate.
Fragile.
And not alone in this at all, am I?

Because how much, aren't we all,
Otherwise I imagine that the hands I love so, would be reaching back.

Colors show, and it is a saddening truth.
One leaving me stunned..oh, yes...

Stunned.
I rest, awaiting food to be delivered...
Because I am collapsed after holidays of putting on face,
And pretending as if
My heart has not been shattered.

I gave some light, and I let some light be given to me...
And this world is blessed w Angels...
But last night was close...
Close to that death I've entertained the thought of throughout all my collapse on Earth.
I lost all that matters playing the notion if I was to awake from that passing out.
I did.
I'm still here.
And I need a hand.
Realizing all the times I'd reached out to that man, he never wanted to take mine.
And realizing some may lend you a hand, but it may only be computer generated.

And somehow, in all that then,
The invisible force is more real that scoops my winged body off the floor and carried me.

They never did that for me....

But this force does.
And somewhere as well, I know this force is a part of me.
Seperate, but the same...

So as any of them hail over what had passed, I hope I can remember that indeed, when time has passed...

It was I, and this invisible force that have carried me to my feet...

Time and time again.

In the face, of what so many had failed to see, or be, or do with me.

But I know...
I am not alone in this...

Not alone.

We are all fragile, and delicate.
Misunderstood, and crucified.
It is our fate.
Our destiny...
Our sentence here...

But so is beauty. Life. Living...

And yes...
Death.

It is real, death.
I see that now...
And maybe I wish for it a little less.
Maybe, still IDK...

Because no matter what,
In death,
AND IN LIFE,
There seems all too surreal a truth...
THAT HERE,
We very much live and die alone.

Whatever I have done to be a "good person"...has backfired on me-
The stands I took...
The loving at all cost...
The forgiveness attempted...
The abuse withstood

There are so many who are cruel here.
Who try less than I.
Who care less. Who hurt more. Some on purpose...

Why does my life feel like a punishment, as though I were one of them...

I will never,
Understand this..

Collapse

There is nothing for me to do,
But just sit here.
Digest.
Digest.

My body is weak enough,
All that feels right..to just
Sit here..
Digest
& Rest.

I collapsed last night.
The way my limbs feel now...
Heavy, loss of control..
I didn't much understand any of it.

Couldn't pick myself up, thought,
Is this it? Is it ACTUALLY happening?

The ice fell from my hands and scattered the floor, before I even comprehended where I was at in a studio apartment.

I saw myself going down,
Losing all control of limbs.

10 minutes ago,
I had ripped off the bra at my chest,
Wondering, IS THIS WHY I CAN'T BREATH?

It wasn't a panic attack.
It was as though I'd been poisoned.

Lifting up, all I saw was white.
I struggled to stay in my body, as I had grabbed the ice.
Somehow made it to the bathroom,
Though its not as though I had to puke-
Phone in hand, I had...
My phone in hand...worried..
But I left it there on the toilet...and at the door jam collapsed. Lost sight.
Knowing what it would feel like to die alone...
And it wasn't so bad.

'Cept for the pain and discomfort in the body that nobody could probably take away anyways...
Once you're that far out.

I called Genki to me.
Just needed somebody.
I wondered too...Is this how a "walk-in could occur?
It's like somebody pressed a power button on me, and I had only two minutes before "shut down".

I remember my stomach boiling against my thigh, and thinking WTF is wrong w me?! Knowing I would have gone to the hospital if I had insurance and a ride.

Couldn't stand if I'd tried.
Figured I'd wait it out and be "alright"...

I always am.

I woke up some minutes later,
Contorted on the floor-
A bowl of weed, a glass of wine..and food without meat- that's all I had.

I lost time- don't know If it was 10 or 30 minutes, I'd gone...

All I knew is the same movie was playing that I "died to"...
And I could get up again.
And I did.
And I crawled in bed...

And finished it-
The movie...

But now...
Idk. I'm laying stomach to my floor...
Digesting...
Not the collapse so much...
But the life that keeps me afoot.

But I'm too stunned and stumped
Over what I see.
So I lay here, in the sun through the window...
With my Dog. Just lay here.
Rest here...
Maybe even do some more dying here...
As I digest
Digest...
And rest my weary limbs and body..
Chest and breath.

They are quite tired today.
And I'm living in the aloneness...

And it is as enriching
As it is real. Real in how it's felt.
And in the emotions
That pass through there...
Like humanity.
Like our stories.
And how many times, we've all
Only been alone...

Yes.
Quite,
Quite

Real.

3AM Air

Idk.
None of it seems to real, in this 3:16am air, and my gaze strafled a bit. My sight wider than my fight with dad may have portrayed.
Lost abit, in the air,
Between here and there..
Like a dazed gaze indeed.

And here, in between there..
Idk...
None of it seems to be real.
The words. The reality...
Maybe it's because it's too ugly.
Maybe it's because it's not real...

But there is something real there.
Real in history's past
Real in lessons and reasons that have come to be because of "this person" and "that".
Real in reasons why...
Real reasons why, not fake ones,
Like Soul Contracts vs. Egoic fight...

Notice I capitalize the E, just as even the Angels may very well fear even demons.

We fear ourselves...
Worse? Much more than we fear demons? I think it very well may be possible considering that some tenth of all population probably doesn't even believe in demons.

The Vision

A'masked by only the illusion,
I draw my sword,
And pin it down;

The vision is strong.

Bowing before my Invisible Lord,
My wings are the longest I've ever seen.

My stature braves a kneel with my wings covering long, a strong and hearty back.
My head is hung just a little too low,
As I hold it in some shame that I have failed,
And only failed myself;
I know my lord will not judge.

The Lion.
Appeared.
Whom is Me, and yet not?

The Hearder

The things I know,
Contained within me.
The rage seeks to take that away,
But I watch it instead.

I hear the many things they have said,
And
The honesty paints ugly visions.

I have years of offenses stacked up,
By people who'd profess to love me.
And some are blatant, and you know what you get...
And others are conniving, based on how they think alone, and who they are willing to be,
Though not share,
Out of that.

Amongst wolves, I see my wolves.
Amongst their disguise,
I had turned my back to an infiltrated pasture.

Do not love me in fear, and call it love!
Then call me mad to boot, no.

Do not see me. Maybe you can't.
Maybe you are not supposed to.
Maybe I just want peace,
But it is a silly dream on Earth.

I will not be wronged for standing up for myself against people who care not to listen.

"Friend". "Family".
How I have lost you in my heart...
For it is true...
You see me not.

And in my world...
That may be true to a foulest offense.

You see me not.
And I will not, like Jesus, rest my feet to a home that casts my gifts out.
I will move on to the next,
And spread my light.

I will not be made wrong in feeling angry or hurt.
I will not back down from these offenses this day...

But I will indeed,
Step foot in front of another,
And run, run free.
Walking my path, fruitful,
Though when YOU look, you may only see a barren tree.

What I have contained within, seems, so seems, as pearls before wolves.

Do I love thee? I do...
But I can not help to suddenly see and know, how likely it Is that I can trust you.

Thoughts are vicious. And if not in check, they will blacken soul, words, and deeds.

I know this. I see this. And I'm starting to think, though you fight me, you might in your heart know I am right.

I...
Have eyes to see.
YOU call me names, and seek to judge and label, but I will not back down in the face of untruthful scrutiny...

And it has only shown me,
How much you don't see...
And don't see me.

Which is an offense.

An offense actually,
To the world.

On to another step forward,
And ever fighting for what I believe.

I know what they will say.
They will lie and kick and scream at me not to see MY TRUTH...

But how is that love?
Oh, how I can tell u it absolutely is not.

Not for themselves, for me, for their families, nor the world, nor our Christ.

It is fear..it is ego...
And I accept that both things have always battled with, in, and around me...

But what do we have,
If NOBODY,
Takes that stand?

Family Life

I never looked back at your texts;
I knew it would drive me crazy-
Your words, and how I'd let them sink in if I might have...
How that might form anchor.

I don't want
Any more reason to feel bad over this...
To distrust your "seemingly" sincere demeanor,
No nevermind the words that rattle in my head from the things you said
THAT day...
And many...

Like "self-centered"...

And all I can really conclude,
Twisting your words around and turning their rocks over...

Is that,
You must not just know me!

And I think about all the things you've said...all the ways you have loved me, or not...
And what now,
A week before Christmas, and we haven't even talked, but "I'm" self-centered??!

Coming from a mother and family that sees me twice a year? Because u think you know me, right?

Don't have a fucking clue, is what I'm thinking...

Because as I've been encouraged to play it small, and not dream so big...
Oh to lay my Diva and my Martyr down so that YOU, in your household,
Can feel a little more comfortable with me??
Meanwhile...where the fuck had anybody been, enough to have the audacity to call me "self-centered",
When how guilty are we ALL of that?!
I mean, hey...
The last conversation we had was supposed to be about me...
"I'm" the one that wanted to talk.
And I haven't called,
Because you, in your age 40-something, felt it more important to battle me, Instead of listen:
I didn't even get to say a tenth of what I needed to,
Because I got too busy battling your own emotions even though it was supposed to be about mine...
And I got stuck battling your egoic reaction, as I strangled to fight back mine...and I warned you...but you acted like you could take it...
Til I didn't get an apology for your words, along with no family invites...
But why am I just not surprised?
I'm the one that wanted to talk.
I made the leap. The request. Not you...
And I barely wound up saying anything I wanted, as you snidely said to post a million pictures of myself. As you called me self-centered, and accused me over feelings, you have kept in for years, it what it seems like to me.

Man o man o man...

Is that the relationship you have to me?
Shit...it feels like despise...
With your judgements, seemingly nasty.
Masked as concern, until your venom came out.
And I've been sitting on it.
Turning these rocks over.
I would think Dad doesn't care, no call.
I can only assume you don't want me there for Christmas...but "your my mother and you love me right?"
Excuse me, while maybe I suspect it's a lie...
When you can't even reach out to me...
And I just assume I'm not invited for Christmas.
Mostly because, this conversation was never finished. And I still have your words rattling around, like truth revealed to all my gut suspect...
Walking on egg shells in this house...
So that I don't trip powerchords in your little home...
Just by being me.

For once, I'm laughing

I see the foolish now. Man o' man...
Is that foolish now, apparent now,
Readable, and gathered
Like observation
To knowledge dripping. Seeping.
Yeah...soaking...mmm!

Fuck me!
Man o' man, this world's a silly thing...

And for once in a long while,
Well shit!
It's kinda fucking funny.
I think...
But nevermind that!

And geez, man,
O' man, o' man, O' man!
Maybe it IS a LITTLE funny...
"Ha...ha.."...
Not, right?
Fuck! Me!
And this stupid stupid man, I would love to break, says smiling..
Reminding herself,
"This is serious! Stop that laughing shit! He said, you need to let him go!?!"
Before you know it,
I'm "wtf-ing" my own humor!
I mean really, ARIEL, WTF?!

But ya know...
It's because it really is
One big
Hell
Of a
Goddamn fucking joke...
(Says that laughing out-loud in my dark 1am room, and my type-type)

No...
But it is... Because...shit! The tragedy isn't real! So it's a fuxking comedy!
It's a fuxking joke, right?!?!!!...

And I'm finally starting to get it now...
The hilarious ness of it all!!
Man o man o man...

Because I will go on loving..
And you will go on pretending
You don't care. (I mean "he" ;)

And there just seems something tragically ironic about that,
If indeed, tragedy is a choice!

Oh! "What fools! What fuxking fools!"-
(I imagine some middle aged, earthly cups a' clanking, and a brawny bearded drunken warrior toasting it out!

My God! My God!
What a Crazy Dame, Life IS- No "can be's" about it!

Fuck this!
(Saying that laughing in the face of our damned)!
Hell...you could even say I'm on high!
I'm gonna fuckin turn this bitch out, and make her get on her goddamn knees for me...
Mm..begging for more!
Life-
That little fucking whore!
Ravenous, and tail-biting...

God-damn...she is more than I bargained for! Way, way more than I bargained for...
Uh! Like him!
And him.
And her.
And me! Fuck!
Definitely, like me ;P...

Cuz that's what she'll do!
She'll stick that little fuckin tongue out, and tease you,
Thinking she's all cute...
And BAM! YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT!

Fuck that broad! Fuck man! I know!
I see em...
Life, THAT little fucking whore,
Mascarading for,
Wearing that little thing,
And doing this little that,
And before you know it, she's holding onto your arm, to keep her up through a swallowed night...

Yeah...Life...
Little fuxking FEIST...
Teaching her daughters how to fuck men and lesbians alike!
And yeah, I'll break a heart, while they go on breaking mine...sharing stance...
My my, sharing stance!

Kinda funny, isn't it?
The irony. The humor... In it all!
Lol! I mean seriously...

Kinda fucking funny.

Morning Text

Wake up. Wake up.
Time to wake up!

By now, please know,
I am just talking to myself.

Wake up call.
Awake to revelations, soon to come;
All of it a'stirring.

I think I must have cared like ache.
Being birthed to His Numb;
Revelations.

Wake up.
Revelations.

As I don't know how to take it? Already yelling at myself: "THIS is the closure you wanted, now RUN."...

What am I running from?

The last 24 hours have been "telling" like miracles indeed.
Having been sad and tired from loving, suddenly how I am face to face with it after I was done searching.
The car alarm blaring now, and I'm still lost in a trance outside to it enough,
I couldn't move-
I just don't want to- it is merely another bird singing right now.

And as I've let the morning slide into me...
Hours passed now...

I realize how much you would probably HATE me...
For loving you.

And I'm soaking in your drowned words...
Soaking in you...
Soaking in the hour you sent them, and the hours that have passed...

Watching it all, thoughts like wheels on a highway...
Me, I'm still.
Nowhere for me to go from here..

So I check a few things...noticing the tides in me pulling less than yesterday..

Trying to let love in
Without ever feeling like I have to let it go.

I can love you.
And her...
And it doesn't have to hurt, right?
Am I right about that?
It feels like I am...

And I'm just trying to make it so...
Get there so...
That...
When you say leave it alone...
I won't hurt
By you, in and out yourself.

Have we both not done both?
Oh fools.
Innocent young fools..
Making love hurt so.
Angry so.
...I know...

And I'm trying to find
THAT Agape Love...
Unconditional...time-brazen...
Letting go because there's nothing we can lose...

It's all us, anyways.
And I don't care if you're mad at me...
If I were to be brave, I would say...
How you have been good for me.
How you have made me search in love, and search myself, just to be able to love you.
To forgive you.
I'm angry too. Cussing you out.
But you're rarely assertive enough to really really care, right?
Don't really care, right?
Am I right?

Cuz that's a pretty good thing to know.
Maybe even
the thing I've been waiting for....

Perfection

Goddamn, the way I'd twirl u up!
Wouldn't even know
What was what, forget completely or not at all,
That it is I,
In my delicate hands, forcing you,
Down into my bed.

My God,
The way you wear that Red, vision in red,
As I could eat u up, and
Scoop you alive.

I love your wild little thing, she is a beast.
A killer I'm sure all the same,
If not proof already beheld.

Your touch on me is hypnotic. Your pull on me, foreseeable, but surrendered to.
Your body....fuck...
A whirling motion, and your tinyness, how I'd love to grip you in my paws.

Tonight you danced my world into perfect romance.
You,
Was all I needed.
Just as you gave it. Minus the ending, departing, and me pretending not to care as you, Beautiful Thing...
Walk away.

"Mm.
My God."
That's all, I can think,
When you let me behold you-
Your stature.
Your Bronze.

Fuck, you're perfect.
Accept

For the "Straight" Thing.
Accept
For that.
;p

Ring

My heart is a little broken underneath,
The morning slow to inspire me outta sleep,
The missing, like exhaust with thought..
Searching though he's nowhere to be found.

In many ways, I am the Wise One,
Who doesn't want to grow up.
Seeing many days, the place I belong,
But so rarely being able to stay there,
As emotions bind themselves.

So what do I do?
I finally pull myself outta bed, Ready...
To start the day;
I've already decided to smoke a bowl,
Since I may not get coffee today.

Underneath,
I miss him, like death. He has always done this to me-
The Missing, Like Death.
Mostly because he doesn't say anything.

And there's her...that star...that brilliant star, loving somebody...
Not me. Brilliant in her confiding,
And finally that moment, I found myself wanting to kiss her...

And I knew then, after all this, that yeah, perhaps she was doing something to me
Perhaps she has for a while.

The Toil of "straight girls"....
I would think she knows,
Just a bit.

Grasping at The Blue
To see how I might let go in the Rainbow'd light.

It's interesting
What a ring will do to your hand,
When you leave it there too long.

I finally
Took

My ring off.

Maybe Broken

Slowly as time passes,
I check my Facebook less and less...
It won't lead me to you..
And I guess there IS better "stuff" to do.

Realizing there is only so far I can reach out to you
You would be surprised how much
I am still able to...
How far I am reaching,
For anything from you...
And even still,
How I find u in pieces,
In the bits and crevices...
Maybe even "Everywhere".

I AM sad...and I guess that's okay

"Why do we do what we do?",
Us humans?

Under...
Baby...
There is you...
And I am definitely heart broken,
No sense of it..now ever correcting my spelling,
For the words where you've managed to...

Everyday, you're in the air...
Being breathed up by me,
As my everything needs
THAT something you give me-

Give my heart...my chest, my lungs..
Everyday,
Taking you with me,
Even when I decide to love.

Bringing love letters out in me...
Over oceans, Through time...

Ever gone.

And my heart,
She is definitely broken...

But I also know,
On the right day,
For the right passerby-er,
With the "right sun" and ample conditions,
My heart loves as though she's never known anything other than.
Bright. Brilliant. Flawless.

My heart is sad over you.
Maybe broken because with you in there,
It is a bit hard to love another...

Though not..
Impossible.

You have ALWAYS been gone

To me.

I shouldn't be this sad...
But it's deep.
Enough to make me want to say no to love...
And shelter up...
Missing you so...

Sad, you've never given me much than this way you leave...
And then
There's the draw in between
You and me, and I can't tell..

I can't tell...

If its just me, that feels it like life pulse and breath..
Heart beat. Meaning,
I NEED you...

Just even in the small things...

But you have always been gone to me...

True abandonment with no word-
How you suit the mechanisms of my history.

The surprising part is how much I have forgiven you
And still loved you...

And I can't tell...

If that is a flaw...
Or if somehow, it makes it Love?

I know I love you.
But WE know love isn't perfect.
Hell! Love is treacherous and snake-like.

But it's also,
All that mystery.
So much mystery. So much unseen force. So many why's that may never go explained!
Why do I long for you?
Why would you not say why you won't respond?
Why would I subject myself to this?
Why,
Am I just waiting to forgive you?
Waiting for you?

Will you not stop my waiting.
Or must I? As I've tried?

So much mystery.
And I wonder...

If it is "Love-Force", all this mystery?

You have been cruel.
Have I?

I would like to know.
Anything that might allow me back in so.

This is not a move, is it? On your board?
Or have you called your own bluff?
How much, I don't know.

I've packed the things you've left in my heart all up,
But Your Love won't seem to go.

Morning Communion

Close my eyes.
Absorb it in.

Miss the reality back home,
Afraid to say.

Realizing the sadness born to
Would make missing feel like
Torcher & Death..

And how it has.

Closing
My eyes,

I touch the veil, window, porthole of that time,
And I remember now
What I forgot in all the Hell...

That there is
No distance,
And no time...

Not really.
For even if alone these concepts exhausted in our imagination, for alone then it can be.

Our mind...a reality; cosmos and dimensions of TIME as a thing we are just short
And still far from understanding.

Here,
I lean my head, against yours, whoever you are..
And I feel the channel, like unity.
Two perfect beings becoming one.

This Angel at my Veil,
I see you, but I don't.
Feeling you so...

And as I
Close my eyes...

It is only us.
And I see all that I need to.

For now:
Only Love..

And Only Us...

I bow my head that you may
Hold me up, and kiss my Crown..
Revitalize a new,
And show me daily, how daily..
What it means to Love You, Angel.

What it means to let love live and to be bestowed upon.

There is a place for everything. We are a world of endless potentials and opportunities... For chaos and order, negative and positive, artistic and logical, intuitive and analytical..

This,

Is my place here,
On my knees so,
Being kissed and directed by Angels..
By The Christ within Me..
By I AM.

Community Garherings
In His Name.. and Hers..
And Ours.

We are each
The Faith
Of that Mustard Seed.

~ . ~

They coddle me, because it hurts knowing what I know. It hurts being an "absorber" in today's world...of emotions, energies, sounds, frequencies, electromagnetic signals, etc. This is why I call on them, and why they are here for me. Ever present. Literally standing by, and awaiting my request! (I forget this all the time of course, even me.)

I was once "read" as having an "army of angels behind me". She was only confirming what I had allowed my self to know for a little while now. Still ever skeptic, I understand "what's real" is much beyond our comprehension, so I go with the notions I get, lending possibility that THEY TOO, may very well be illusions.

Many more of us are sensitive to these things much more that we'd like to confess...especially OTHER PEOPLE'S emotions and energy! Oh especially this!
Why do you suppose relationships can be so hard?! Sibling relationships, friends, authority, parents, lovers.

I have many hard days having neglected often, the importance of this understanding. Lately? I've learned a much different approach to life.
Some practical notions I try to abide by?
1- Live & Let Live
2- Choose Wisely for yourself and your personal goals
3- Trust & Love others as much as possible
4- Be practical in your boundaries and your limitations
5. Stop trying to please everybody around you
6. Learn to say "Yes". Learn to say "No".
7. Surrender to the moment, while attempting to focus on any positive
8. Live each day as if it may be your last.
(This increases "happiness" and gratitude for even the smallest moments).
9. Forgive for yourself
10. Move away and detach from the things that do not serve your highest potential

"Surrendering" to the moment can take many true leaps of faith! But it's really just learning to listen to YOUR OWN intuition as your navigation system, for THERE IS a purpose for you. Understand your purpose, and it's like taking the "BLUE" pill. ;p

I won't lie, ignorance CAN be bliss...
But it's never been for me...
Even with all the sacrifice I endured. :)

So instead...
I commune. I pray.
If this is what brings me closest to some meaning or form, reason to all this madness,
This side of the veil,
Then gladly,
I would spend my last day this way:

With the only thing(s)
That have been with me since birth.
That thing, the least I know of it,
My, I AM...

"Thing(s)"-maybe Saints and Angels to accompany the way.

I am much more contented here
Anyway.

Closed eyed.
Forehead kissed.
Relieved and healed abit...
Or perhaps,
Just Dying.
I can't so much tell...anymore.

Magic Armor Raised

Break it.
Eyes sheltered behind glasses,
Staring.

Heart feeding and looking
Upon the "being shuffled around".

Her cat eyes are intense with absorb..
Her understanding as child observes
Mind numb from shock
After shock,
And voice meak to express what it can barely comprehend.

It

Is in the subtlety of the cracks as moments of life-lessons confronted
By fragile innocence to be no more.

Tucked away,
The beauty,
And how she is framed by movie scores for life,
The feelings painted in whispers
Or satanic drum and base-

Barely making a peep,
Or thrashing as wolves in the night to dirty streets, converse, and shenanigans, shenanigans! Let Live.

Meanwhile,
The strength grows
Like invisible armor.

Sometimes not saying anything because
A transformation is taking down in her avenues she always had,
To gift her with avenues reborn
For a different,
More suitable
Fate for today.

Gone formless
In order to be re-formed.

The shock and awe,
Still never quite so subtle,
As the armor forms

And teaches
Her the ways of the world...

"There are some dark...and there are some light; many many more, wolves in Sheep's "clothes"...

Take caution, looking carefully each encountered, in THE HEART, and in THE EYE...only determining after trust earned...
And time, the condition of their value, to your life"...

Ever still taking in...
But caution, caution,
In her steps..
Like a girl left to streets before she understands buildings:

I watch my journey, along the way...
Ever attempting from my leaving of home,
That I just don't lose

My Way.

Immortal Sting

Looking at your name
As I pull it up
From our last conversations,

I feel the heart break.
How you broke it so;
How I must have grown used to

Loving

This way.

And I am deep in the dipping knowledge

That
My love for you
Is how I grew used to

Loving at all.

Ew!
I just want to rid myself
Of everything I've ever thought it means,
And purge myself clean

Showers like Rains.

I don't like the way it feels around knowing
That is was never meant

But it kills you finally

And yet actually
Never will.

"Hating to love you"
Is actually a good testament to my willed.

But how can someone love something they've never known?
So how can I actually
Love you
At all?

And so, REALLY,
Don't flatter yourself...

That I would "hate" the ruthlessness of vampired action
And in fact,
My only love is for that which you take:

Her.
I hate to hate you.
Where power has been turned over
To the servitude of chest moves and positions on a board;
When pawns are forced to make moves based on the previous and the after.
Where unsuited players
Find themselves reluctantly moving
The first pawn- knowing

There's no way out
'Til the game, "she be done"!

Checkmate.

You thought you won,
But my blow is a sting of a lifetime-
Dull reminders and god-awfully lonely nights, oh yes, I promise you!

Check
Mate.

With dull reminders
And lonely nights.

And the challenge of a new game.
But not the promise at all,
That I can ever reimburse you from the fatal magic

Of our
First Game.
Shapeshift her Scorpion,

And Her Fatal Immortal
Sting.

The Invisible Match

Hands..

Capturing times of
Craving.
Sunken in pictures
That remind me...

&

Remind me
Of you;

And as a separate notion,
How they remind me of love...

Hands.
Where grips are nerve signals meant,
Where scrapes and scratches claw as passion
And where skin grazes in connection.
Where soft warmth may touch to a face,
Or scoop entire bodies up
To be tucked in- consumed.

Where nudges coerce "love me".
And winter times cold, like this,
So cold...
How hands,
Can keep us warm.

And I think of your hands.
How I haven't really seen them, but a bit.
And I think of how they'd feel,
How some hands just hold you,
In a touch as though holding the entire world.

And no...
It's not the same already.
The thought of you holding me.
Now that I've finally listened my self up to you...

But My hands that hold my heart...
Some invisible form I don't yet know...

I feel them like strength.
Admiration.
Wisdom of day labors, sun, headaches,
And writing.

I hold "these hands", THIS notion
As the all encompassing
Manifest
Of that which we are-

That which we will always be.

You never showed your hands to me, but twice perhaps.
And so what of you of your eyes?

And yes, your heart.

It's not the same because
I really did realize
Day and day ago...
Just in time's need to let you
Go..

That never
Had you put
Your hands
In the pot.

And I assumed your sunken heart,
Burgundy with rot and disease eating away...
I thought that was accidental only,
How THAT, dropped in.

And that's when it hit,
Illusionist,
No heart,
No hands,
No eyes.

That's when it hit.

It was never there.
Never in the same room.
Breathing in
The best
Of all lies.

Your hands
Meant something
Because they meant something to me.
Now I see,
It was only your illusion
That made them mean anything to me...

Difference is now.
Illusions up.
Hands are out.

And now,
I see,
What I need to you.

You never
Had a hand
At all.

You are not going to like this...

But I'm doing it.
Wrapping your heart up for you in a box,
Ribbon around...
And I'm sending it back out.
Yes.
Out to seas.

It's been over, well lets just say,
"A while now"...
And you have had so much of me,
For too long.

Just too long.
And today is the day..

It is done.
I don't care what you say.
I don't care!

It is done.
I'm sending it back to you.
And I will work on keeping you out.
Having already forgiven you,
Too much.

I forgive you into love eternal.

But not this way.
And you've done it
ONE last time.
And if I don't start with you,
Who better? Who more useful?
Than to be my show of 3 chances solo.

You've had over a year of chances.
So who better to make my example out of than you?!

I will find a way.
Boxing it all up,
No return address.

Since it is what you wish...
I will
Make you dead
To me.

Saying goodbye now,
So when deathbeds cross,
We'll both know,
I woulda been there...
Probably caring more than anybody.
But that at least I tried to make you alive to me,
When you chose death.

I don't blame you, King.
You're mine to keep.
And I always will...

But I'm sending your heart back to you now.
I only have room for one thing now.

And I am digging you out, after this.
So unknowing of the small thing you did, so titanic.
And so,
Letting me know

All that was needed left...
To send it back.

It will be floating to you,
Tonight.

Goodbye, my love.
Yours

Truly...

"Good Mornings"

The hair drapes over my shoulder
And clavicle..
Skin tight and bare contouring muscle there

She

Is yours and dripping.
Dripping her colour all over the floor.
Meshed in blankets as clouds covered so.
Fauny eyes...
Playful... Retreat-weary, as ever...
Heart, a vague mass, white pulse,
Electric charge, Aura a haven
When you lay in it's vicinity.

Imagination is all I have
To an empty drapery of bed
And window light
And you...

Nowhere
In sight

Shadow Dance

"Shadow Dance"

Those are the words that rest in my soul,
As I carry the memories of the Air...
And the tight Earth
That has wrenched me...
And squeezed me bare;
Dry.

My mind,
She thinks a 1000 thoughts a day,
And many many more questions than that.
And somewhere,
In this shadow dance..

I'm not so mad,
That THEY haven't called...

Or that SHE, never really knew how much I needed her all theses years...
With only me to blame,
That we haven't kept touch...

I play
To the shadow dance
And the choices I sit on this day.

Sad, definitely, a little...
But okay.
Evened out...

Because I have the memories to look back upon,
That embody forever,
That embody now...
And the inability
To get lost.

She may never know, how much I have needed her...
And it IS, my own fault...
Losing touch to one I loved,
Only to love the shadow
That would distract me so.

Even now...
I don't know if it is but a dream,
That she would still love me,
This friend of mine.
So young, and such ago a long time...

And how SHE was the first to bring me back to the light...
To Him.
My Jehovah.
My God, so deep.

I miss her so- the essence of me.
A twin indeed,
Spinning to the air.
The air.
How we
Were both air,
Down here...

And looking back..
I see.
Maybe I missed that opportunity.
Just like I miss her soul.
Just like she had so much I need...

But...like I said...
Maybe sad a little..though still how important for me to see...

To remember what I have always told myself...

"That she is never separate from me"...

That in her needed essence,
I still dance that very same life

In
And AS me...

And maybe it has been too long,
Since I have told her how important she is to me...

And THAT...
Is what makes me sad...

That I could be so naive!
That I could be sad,
Not to have her love,

When so much of it was up to me.

Needing her more, than she ever may have known..
Her love, innocent like mine.
Heart pure, like mine...

Maybe would have better reminded me, I'm not so alone.

But instead, how I've danced
This shadow life...
And gone wandering off into the darkness all alone...

When all along...
Maybe I would have done better,
To return home.

And so I say this now.
And hope, I can do better this time around,
To sturdy myself so.

To not go it, or feel so alone...

To CREATE a home,
Stead of running,
And running
Away.

"Shadow Dance"...

Because we need both sides..

The dark and the light...
To free our soul.

To free our soul.

To journey home.
And within.

I love them.
And I want to return home.

Finding a way to dance
The balance between
Life's hot & cold
Contrast and One.

A little light in my hole.
So I can finally make

That journey
Home.

"She writhes" 11/25/13 Impromptu

http://youtu.be/Uclej1JAhSM

Crying and Trying

So confused.
Up and down.
Hot and cold.
In and out.
Force myself to the kitchen.
Drag myself out.
Force myself to the food...
Thinking half a day.
Waiting for the pain to subside,
So it won't hurt so much to make.

Sweating til I'm cold,
Hot til it's off...
Back pain and neck shouting..
Killing me
In and out...

Anything I'll do.
Keep this pain but down...

Knowing I need food,
Getting close to forcing it now.

Almost there.
The snack subdued.
Almost there.
Trying to nurture the best the pain will allow me to.
Outstretched,
This is all I know how to do...
When the pain becomes despair..

So I break here,
And I break there...

Anything to make,
The pain just a little less there.
A little better to bare...

A little less there.
Forcing water down.
And keeping the bad stuff away, save for the pills, I couldn't take it today...

Another day.
Anything to take
A little bit of it away...

Head struck.
Sharpness stuck.
Anything.
Anything.
To subdue this pain.

Anything...
Can't
Subdue

This pain, oh yet, of course
Another day

Touch of Madness

I genuinely writhe.

And I scramble to find a pen as my phone is dead.
And as the pen doesn't write, I boil
And scramble, scramble
Around the apartment..
Shuffle...each pen! Nothing!

I remember how I left my apron in the car!
And I panic,
As if searching for drugs! Anything!

I search through old bags, ANYTHING,
As within me, a hysteria begins to rise up
From someplace I don't know.

The words.

I JUST DON'T WANT
The words to get lost!

The frustration is dry wood to a seething fire of pain in my body.
I thrash! My kidneys! The tears!

The Ache! My head! My neck tight,
And tightening, as in a devise and nerves wrench!

My blades! Tears to pain, Red Hot
-My Wings
-She Cries
-My Wings!

And I throw the wretched fucking pens, no ink! Scrambling for ink,
Like the lighters unleft, when she left,
Though plenty of weed!

And I find myself ravaging the page
With scribbled impressions
Of no black or blue,
Back and forth,
Pressing deep til' the pages tare,
As I think

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!"?!?!

And that pen goes flying,
As I grip my insides not to scream,
Before I spot my fucking Tarot Bag, and think..."maybe there!"
Just Maybe there's a pen in that one

As if it's going to save me from this pain pulsing!
GOD, Anything!

And I watch my hands shake, as I pull out it's contents;
Cards fall

And I pull at them
Just to get to the bottom!
And Yes!!! Yes!!
Three! Three fucking pens!

And I'm writing now,
Nothing to subdue the aching:
The pains pulsing that red hot and aches in heart.. Or chest, sharp as I hold back the tears from this ravaging intensity!
Burns, like aches..

Desperation!
The pain has me desperate- Hot flashes making it throb worse, entire body throughout..
Desperate to make it go away 'til I want to crack my skull on something!

No! Not years of emotional pain, (or fucking maybe),
Years of aching bones and trying to cope,
With pills- shove that pain down though it won't work anyway!
Weak spells from pain red,
Nerves cringed, and fried.

My kidneys hurt! Three days..
My back..my neck..my tears..

My eyes, my heart
My spine tight, and pulsing...weak
And no amount of water right now,
Is curing me.

Curing this writhing pulsing in places I'm supposed to feel free,
Back barely bending, agonizing to breathe.
What happened to the branches in me?
Stiff & Dark
Shadowed with creek..

Grasping for writing
As if it's going to save me!

Anything to take their voices away
Anything to take their voices away

Anything
To take their voices away
Trying not to take pain medication today-
Not after 8 months of coffee and no cures, Excedrin, cigarettes & alcohol.
8 months of Her and no me
8 months of trying and getting lost

And still,
THEIR voices in MY head, while I'm writhing and bed-ridden..

..the pain a little less now
As Maniac drowns me with enough
The same pain
To numb it out a bit.
Even.

Even it, out.

Watching my Sunday in movies
And a pain that hasn't gone away
In 3 days

...and this!
This wasn't even what I was going to write!
Those words,
Indeed, lost in the fight.

There are some days, the words
Don't do anything to portray
The worlds of pain
Inside or Out.

Today is definitely that day,
As I ravage instead of paint.
As I scribble instead of try
As I grimace to the pain
And don't so worry at all
About "capturing" it right.

Rather,
To write for the write

And that's all...

As I ravage my pen, from the pain
Desperately agonizing that it hasn't gone away.
3 days.
Ache.
Ache.
My own.
28 years
And most of them don't know..

That the days that come
Without this pain

Come in relief..

Reminding me
I'm doing something
Not
Write.

Memoirs to Her Danna

Sweety!
Kiss me AND consume me! Bite me, and eat me. Devour me like my thighs are prey between your teeth.
If it is consumption, I laid to that attempt, many a wonder-ago..
Laying beneathe skies,
And being enveloped so.
Longing, a foreign mount.
Leaving it all behind, everything that had made me cry, and laying now
At rest,
In your bed,
As you consume everything I gave to you,
So long ago.
What it is, today, I surrender to-
No use in fears anymore,
Even if there is indeed,
A fear that ought to be respectable.
I...
Have loved you for so long, and hard..
With so much of me somehow, but in the most uncontrollable sense of who I am.
You may take me. May even so give me away, as you please.
Winning.
Bowing.
Maybe a tear to come, but slaves n'er a chance at happiness
Anyway.
Or...
Am I the story I so love?
-Deep down, that Geisha, I know the story of..
finding her Danna
Loving him, loving her.
When that is the only respect,
A Geisha may ever know of love.
Fox Trot.
I miss you so. Love you so!
And maybe it better,
That u are where u are,
Still, unknown.
In kisses, and love affairs,
I'll fair away for you baby.
Love you so baby.
Find my soul maybe,
Or die, maybe.
Knowing you,
More than this premise, studying you though, as this life,
Much different.
Are we both,
Much different now?
This time around.
Incarnation or two?
Do you know I love you?
My Danna.
Hate to love something you never know will surrender to you
..or, what's worse after that..
Finding that it doesn't actually fit.
I know..
How love is.
You made me understand how the fear could be great, from the pain.
But with me,
Love is ever a game,
This Nihilist, Goddess, Slave-Angel..
And you...
You are my Knight!
Trojan. Warrior.
Flame. Samurai.
Do you know I've loved you?
Whoever it is, you are
In this life?!

My Namaste

What if I said,

I understood?

Because as they pull at me..
I turn away..

Needing a little bit of me
Without the world...

For A
First time.

And there is something about it,
That feels like you...
And how you pulled away...

At probably this person needing that,
And that person needing this,

And all of them
Wanting you somewhere in all that to fit..

And then you...
Maybe having just reached that point,

Where it doesn't fit...

So I
Find myself pulling away...

From them...

And for some odd, perhaps even miracle
(Who knows at this point)..

You are the only one,
Who I am letting in
That perhaps right now,
Doesn't fit.
Or seemingly so...

But maybe,
You do..

Here..

As I pull away from them and find myself understanding YOU more
In doing so.

It is an interesting.."vibration"..
A little cozy..

Knowing you much prefer your own company, easy, at peace..even when still diseased..
Than to feel "pulled by them" & "all THEIR needs"..

And I smile.
And THAT frequency sends an entire electric velocity right through the rest of me
(Weird)..
And again, I just think,
"I love you"..

Echoing sound and true through me,
Out into the universe...

Like Chanting..

And I go in one "thought of love"
From absorbing, seeing...
To emanating....penetrating...

And then I even out once more...
Mere seconds,
Back to both.

I guess the point is...
I "love you" because whether you know it or not...
You are so deeply teaching me..
(Touching me)...
Without even meaning to.
Or trying.

And I guess that kind of thing forces a love after all, and after time..
Because isn't that what seeing...
Understanding into another...
Is all, and all about?!

"I see you"...profound, right?!

"I see you"...
And in doing so,
I see me...

And we are one.


*****sidecar***



Understanding, is a principle I have fought for for years- understanding, mind you, being the ONLY porthole into TRUE COMPASSION of the heart and mind spirit..."being seen" has also been a gargantuan struggle, fight, lesson, & life theme for understanding for me, my entire life!

"Namaste", has been my favorite spiritual understanding...and sanctitude. It has led me to the deepest parts of myself, as a creation, and what that means, in this universe, most people in my life, still not having a clue as to how I REALLY FEEL about labels, and God...mostly because those deepest discussions haven't yet been placed.
(I say this, only because it is valuable to them...this "understanding"...and it is valuable, to the planet.
And there are many now, spreading this "knowledge", though, we need many more. )

Writing this poem...
I had the revelation that...

The two things I have struggled with the most 1) Being Understood (therefore and also 2) Being Seen...

Have been the two deepest "portholes" into "The Living & Understanding of Namaste..which happens to be, This Lion of God's (or Warrior of Love's) purpose, for, "Ariel" as I have come to understand by name, mean's to be both things!



THAT PURPOSE?
1) Planetary Awareness
2) Spreading the message
Of light, of love, of how we create, of how we "operate", of what to do, of how to do it (channeling inspiration & honoring our feelings, motions, and cycles)...
3) Finding and spreading THE TRUTH as much as we can understand it.

Namaste...is the essence of this purpose.

Through the people I have seen,
And therefore loved
(Or loved and therefore seen)

I have been given the gift of understanding them,
And therefore me.

And that means understanding and honoring the world, now doesn't it?!
So it seems!
So it seems.

"It's not all love & light...there are very dark things"...

But it is in Namaste: Compassion, Understanding, "Seeing"...

Where I think the Highest form of God dwells...

That form?

LOVE.

And we may never understand or see all the way...
But the more we understand and see the nature of love in our being...

The more we will give way and rise,
To this "Compassion"
To Seeing, and Understanding...

And loving and honoring..

And in that...

Lessening the pains of this world...

THAT...
Is why I AM

Here.

It is likely,
So ARE YOU.

Namaste.

This Time Last Year; Relapse

Okay...
Okay...

I'll wait.

Because it is a tapping on my shoulder,
By the ever around..

Because I know you are here,
Somewhere,
Listening...

Because when I know this,
I feel it..

Our love.
Exquisite.

And tomorrow,
I may rant. & rave...

Because the truth is, it hurts many days,
Being loved like this- coy.

It is raining.
The pavement shining...

And my walking a block, dripping..
Remembering the last time I had my feet bare, I was texting u my love...

Under a tree,
In night escapes away..

And every time you are with me...
Everyday...

I always felt good.
Heh...well almost anyway.

But at least,
It was always magic.

And I remembered my bare feet,
To dripping trees and puddled streets,
And u, there...
Not such a world away,
As u talked with me.

It has never left me, so many days.
Everything a memory
Of the shorts we allowed in.

But I remember quite a many of them.
And I don't know.

You know I don't...know...

How I'm supposed to do this.
But to try to just forget you?

Because nothing you do,
Keeps me at all...

Or keeps me safe...

Yet why do I feel you,
Eyes burning my back?

Always having wanted you...
In All ways,
Wanting you back.

But how I want to be mad enough to leave it! How could you do this to me?

I don't understand.
I've always kept thinking were were friends...

But no...huh?
Not really.
In your now, u dishonor me.

And I'm so bi-polar and split to u...
Doing this...
To me.
Ever wanting our chance...and to forgive...
But then..

Looking at reality.

Where there is dishonor.
Lack of honesty.
What of integrity?

Split, baby, split.
Loving you is so easy to hating you.
And u know this.

I have to find a way...
To say
Goodbye...

And I'm actually re-losing myself all over again trying...

Somewhere.
It was always easier to love you, than to be without you...

But I have always been without you...
And I guess that's why,
I'm Dying..

All over.
All over again.

Cutting Onions

Cutting onions now-
My heart hurts.

...I might as well
Just kill them.

So I pace over,
And finally decide to have a drink..
And she's texting me,
This foxy thing,
And all I can smell is more heartbreak,
Amidst ruins running away.

And the Rock looks so much better this cloudy day...
So I think I'll crawl under..

But I can't,
So I get myself ready for work..
With food- cutting onions..
And yeah...
I think I need that drink.

Tears now, shaking my cages..
Ribs and all.
Always second,
Is what this dream seems to be spelling out to me...

And I don't want to believe it..
As I catch myself,
Cutting onions in slow motion..

Her texting me.
Wanting my body..

And I think that really is there..
My heart,
Laying on the floor.

Don't know if I have any of it in me right now...

Heartbroken..
Chest cold with ache..

Substituting addictions
As I slow to stop them all...
Weaning off..

Cutting onions..
Making myself something healthy....
And just wishing I could kill them all off...

Everybody
Who Tugs at my heart strings.

The rock looks so lovely...
I think I'll go ahead...

And cover now.

Resting Just A Few

I guess there are some things that are good...
Like How today,
I will get home and make myself some coffee
And I will throw a movie on and get back into bed

And while I'm aware that many don't have such a luxury,
I also have the voices of antagonists in my head..
Like how she had called me self centered...
And MY OWN VOICE,
Wanting to rupture me into action,
That I feel so far behind in...
Underneath,
A broken heart,
That I fell and fell once more,
For his same old routine to me...
And then there's the Card I pulled-
"Cycles and rhythms" reminding me...

To heed, heed,
The call of my body-
It's temples...
It's cycles...
And Rhythms..

And today, maybe one of those manic needs,
Where everything hits...
"And hits finally"...

Thinking maybe I had put in my time..
Thinking yet again, as these oceans conquer tide,
And tie over me.

And I'm thinking,
These things are good...
Feeling and feeling at all.
Slinking if that is what I wish a bit...
If it means to rest my soul a bit...

Cuz I'm so tired this week.
And I find myself trying to run away once more...

And maybe it's better,
If I just stay a little put...
And appreciate my lifestyle
For the luxuries it has.
If it means
Resting my soul abit,
And sleeping off feelings of being used and discarded...
Called names by those who clearly don't have the same heart as my own..

Then maybe,
There are some things that are good today.
Cup of warm coffee to beautiful clouds gray- I actually do love them...
And Genki...
My little Genki...
How he keeps my warm In heart and bed...
As we practice Uncondition to one-another..
And as I slowly rest
My Heart & My Head

How the Wolf cries to the Moon

So sad.
Finally hit,
Like low drums
And symphonies swaying tragic composition...
The sadness...
Finally hits.
And I will cry...
As you are right...
It will not change a damn thing, will it?..

Will it.
So I'm crying...
Because I need to.
Because I love you.
Because THIS is how we're doing it...

And I don't know if the signs are lies of imprint...
Some other soul tracking me...

But it is sad.
"Sing for the Lion & Lamb"
Arrangement slow and haunting
As I watch vampires and wolves...
And hear your howl
And feel your bite.

I may very well cry myself to sleep tonight...
Letting you hold me from afar if that is what u wish.
If that is what will get me through...
This sadness...
Every loss...
Really..
Just the loss of you...

"Sing for the Lion & Lamb"
The universe rains in my eyes...
"Sing for the Lion & Lamb"
Missing you. Feeling her...
Her character through the love they share...
Him...her...
And how he left to keep her safe. Or
"Left her alone in this".

"Sing for the lion & lamb"...
I sing for the lion & lamb.
Searching for you. Looking for you always.
Just like how he left her, His Bella.
And she couldn't breathe, or live without him...
Once they met.
And maybe she saved his soul...
And maybe he did indeed...
Save hers.
Sing for the Lion & Lamb...
Crying myself to sleep tonight,
Literally now,
As the wolves howl,
In the movie that was left on my doorstep this eve.
Sign?
Or no sign?

How do I know? Really?!
Always spilling my heart, oh a fool...
In hopes
You actually do want me...

I don't know. It is only faith...
And testimony...
Hope..
And love....

That makes me a damned fool.
A blind seer.
But I am okay
With the sadness tonight...
Because at least it means...
I have truly,
So truly...
Allowed myself to love you.
And with much more grace than your kind mighta had on me, many lives before today.
I will cry myself to sleep.
And awake strong.
For you.
For me.
And for the us we may
Or may never be...

It was nice seeing you last night, In my dreams- more needed that you know...

But it is bittersweet and raining now...
Chest to chest.
Heart to heart.
Eye to eye.
Mind to mind...

Is this goodbye?
Even if you are
"Here with me now"?

Movie slowed down...
Almost the end..
And my exhaust is slinking me into
Beds without you.

Okay.
I'll be strong.
Strong..
And go on...

Enough with
And so without you.
Bitter.....sweet..
That butterfly ...and Bee..
And how their sting,
Is from such opposing worldly things.

Asleep...

I'll let you catch me ..
While I'm falling..
Asleep

My Ghost

Fuck baby, I love you.
Loving you more today; in it.
Missing you more today; begin it.
Beguiling Devil Play,
And my twist as barb around your heart;
My claws, baby, my claws.

You can't take this away- trying.
You can't stop this thing, unless you're lying.
You can't run...not for long;
Please don't.
Are we not both caged to each other?
Or Is that my imagining...
Making love but wanting,
No other invoked.
Rights of passage, just creating longing now.
I must be missing something...

I must be missing something..
Wanting nothing more
Than Real Man's Mark
And you, skin to skin,
Heaven or Dark...

Nothing more than the chance to fucking bare you,
You fucking thing!

Seems as if it would be storms
And dreams in nights boxed up
To who you seem to be.

What a long time, but I'm getting it finally...

That it really is YOU, I love...
Getting the clue,
From time passing,
And voices through...
From unspoken to telepathic view..
Now dreams...
And laughs,
And moments trusted...

Though broken..now..
Not a smirk but a slant of sadness upon the lips
She thought
Were yours.

Missing you like longing.
Not sad,
But sometimes...
Mostly because,
You won't answer will you?
Cut off the flow, the divine...the love that so naturally would,
DOES
Stream through.

Let him win then,
You always do!
Let him take the best parts of you..
And take,
And take them from me...

Before I've ever gotten the chance to see...

And even then,
Here I am...
Ridiculously,
Seemingly,
Un-verifyingly,

In love with you...

I'm starting to think it's true...

From the moments you won't run,
But walk with me...
To enjoy the view.

But loving you, My God..
Is also, as though to Love A Ghost...

Sometimes gone, before you were ever even here...
But also,
Sometimes here,

Without me ever knowing...
Now aren't you?

I dreamt of you, last night.

I miss you.

You were real there.
Real there *tearing
Because here,
Where we live..

Seems more the dream..

Where you are Ghost, from another place, the veil a distance between..

But my sleep,
Like haven,
And heaven,
And home...

When you actually
Will exist next to me...

I dreamt of you last night.
It was so good to see you, my Knight.
You weren't perfect...

You were just you..
And it was good-

Felt right..

The Rabbit Hole

Dear mother...

No,
I am not picking up the phone.
I said what I had to say.
You will never see this.

Just as I have never gotten to see you.
You, beyond every painful thing you still do, to this day.

I am thankful,
You made me. Gave me something to strive against
And to strive towards...

But I am also sick in the gut,
Making it up to you,
With my blood,
And my life..
My energy,
And all the fears that whirl around in me,
Like Hell's mass and demons,
From a life you taught me to live and fear.

So here,
I am...
Breathing peace.
Not ready to listen to your stories...
Not needing a mother anymore,
Or a parent who's just going to hurt me...
And keep, not seeing me.

My little girl,
Would be my everything.
Backed, and supported,
Though suspended when I felt it necessary.

I will never love her,
Or him,
The way I was loved with the label of "parenting"...

My love is world's away,
In a different realm,
And I can see her face now-
My Twillight.
My Dawn.
My Sura.

She will know Mommy loves her...
And we will know respect even in a chaotic sea between her and me...

And I...
Do not need to pick up the phone to you,
My enemy..
And taker...
Taker,
Of my everything, so accidentally...

You will never see this, gladly..

I love him...
You do not understand the meaning of this.
You do not see, or know me...
Though I know that past the pain,
You are indeed so proud of what u can fathom.
Proud beyond the victim in you that takes me down to play your debut;
Me- The bad guy...
Still bleeding on the floor when it comes to loving,
Having been taught the most how to love
By you-
Witch of Melancholy...

Even WHAT I SEE,
Is but not 1%...

But so then,
Imagine they.

Almost can't.

For in this world, it would seem,
That I am the one that's Awake...
One of some of many...

But most,
Still abiding
By the dream...

And even what I see,
1%...
Not really...

And I'm just trying to get used,
To fitting these shoes..

Brand new,
Perfect- That sexy, mixed with the Eclectic, subtly hinting of Mystic...
But still tight, the squeeze...
Still rubbing the skin..
Still getting these shoes,
(New Face)
To fit in...

And so no...
I'm not picking up the phone today..
You distances far away,
From the place you've had here.

Show me!

Because I'm done here...
Today...
In peace...
Where it's just better that you're not here...

Because here I can breathe.
I can actually,
Factually...
Feel the air...

The oxygen into my heart.
My mind.
My Space-Piece

My Soul,
Like emerging. Oneness. No worries....

And I know it is fleeting...

But it's also a single moment of "knowing"..

Knowing as we hone in on moments,
More paid attention to-
More breathed through..

Sitting...
Atop my Tree.
Cosmos & Me...
And all the Love there is...

Tapping into
Every him and her,
Every cherished moment...

Not one, but all souls...
And me and The Divine...

One Infinite Cosmic Orgy...
From within.
At any given...
Ruptured, raptured moment...
Every Goddess,
Every Saint, and Animal...

One Cosmic Orgy,
When I take myself away...

From this Earth.

These Shoes...
Like Dorthy's Gift before The Storm...

Alice trailing behind.
And Psychedelics or mere Imagining...

Taking the soul
Out, once more.

Out.

There's no phone reception here,
In The rabbit Hole.