Collapse

There is nothing for me to do,
But just sit here.
Digest.
Digest.

My body is weak enough,
All that feels right..to just
Sit here..
Digest
& Rest.

I collapsed last night.
The way my limbs feel now...
Heavy, loss of control..
I didn't much understand any of it.

Couldn't pick myself up, thought,
Is this it? Is it ACTUALLY happening?

The ice fell from my hands and scattered the floor, before I even comprehended where I was at in a studio apartment.

I saw myself going down,
Losing all control of limbs.

10 minutes ago,
I had ripped off the bra at my chest,
Wondering, IS THIS WHY I CAN'T BREATH?

It wasn't a panic attack.
It was as though I'd been poisoned.

Lifting up, all I saw was white.
I struggled to stay in my body, as I had grabbed the ice.
Somehow made it to the bathroom,
Though its not as though I had to puke-
Phone in hand, I had...
My phone in hand...worried..
But I left it there on the toilet...and at the door jam collapsed. Lost sight.
Knowing what it would feel like to die alone...
And it wasn't so bad.

'Cept for the pain and discomfort in the body that nobody could probably take away anyways...
Once you're that far out.

I called Genki to me.
Just needed somebody.
I wondered too...Is this how a "walk-in could occur?
It's like somebody pressed a power button on me, and I had only two minutes before "shut down".

I remember my stomach boiling against my thigh, and thinking WTF is wrong w me?! Knowing I would have gone to the hospital if I had insurance and a ride.

Couldn't stand if I'd tried.
Figured I'd wait it out and be "alright"...

I always am.

I woke up some minutes later,
Contorted on the floor-
A bowl of weed, a glass of wine..and food without meat- that's all I had.

I lost time- don't know If it was 10 or 30 minutes, I'd gone...

All I knew is the same movie was playing that I "died to"...
And I could get up again.
And I did.
And I crawled in bed...

And finished it-
The movie...

But now...
Idk. I'm laying stomach to my floor...
Digesting...
Not the collapse so much...
But the life that keeps me afoot.

But I'm too stunned and stumped
Over what I see.
So I lay here, in the sun through the window...
With my Dog. Just lay here.
Rest here...
Maybe even do some more dying here...
As I digest
Digest...
And rest my weary limbs and body..
Chest and breath.

They are quite tired today.
And I'm living in the aloneness...

And it is as enriching
As it is real. Real in how it's felt.
And in the emotions
That pass through there...
Like humanity.
Like our stories.
And how many times, we've all
Only been alone...

Yes.
Quite,
Quite

Real.