And...well...it's a lot on a life, to suffer such continuous pain; dilapidating.
I suppose it has made me appreciate a lot more than seems the average person- no use in getting too bent out of shape over the small stuff (not to say that I don't at times...but I find myself much less petty than the many).
And well, I don't know...after another day of it- getting caught in bed from agony...
I find myself in a calmer state than I have been in a while, now that much of the pain has dissipated.
I still have a tennis ball to my back, where this knot is, that seems like the immovable mountain...
But...I have turned off the TV...and I find the quiet is peaceful. Much more than has been, like I said...in a long while.
It would seem, that somewhere, my spirit in reconciling with itself...
The war
That has seemed constant.
I was in this mental, emotional, spiritual state about a year ago, before I blindly fell in love with someone who I might label, an accidental perpetrator.
Maybe that's fair, maybe not...
But she did hit me...
And she did yell on too many occasions...
And when it came down to the imperative, she preferred to shut me up and accuse me of lying
Rather than hear the person "she loved" with her heart.
I think it was accidental, because she knew no other way.
She had been taught how people are by all the wrong people...
So maybe, it was a little too easy for her not to see me, as I am...
Though she convinced herself she was.
I do sometimes wonder, when I talk about this dark life...and all the pain I anguish and break through, if people understand...
Or how many of them, think me crying wolf....
I do wonder that.
Because from what I have seen..there are enough people out there who have been privileged to be free of toxic relationships, and an ill body.
Well, me...I seem to be on the other side of that veil completely; I do. Because, those things have been most of what my life has been about.
Somehow still though, I feel as though I am still a bright star, who had been birthed from a dark space. I was always bright.
I did, over the years, stop believing in myself at an early age-
The headaches,
The thing called My Mother..
The people who COULDN'T understand..
And how alone that made me feel...
Or, and then...the people who actively hurt and took from me, the all of my love and life-blood..
All while still being a little girl, trying to grow into a woman.
I guess all that being said, the thought that runs through my mind, is how disappointing my dad has been.
Period.
And I don't say that with too much anger, though there is plenty there, in and out, as I process this last and new heartbreak he has put me through...
No...
I can't expect him to understand,
Something he has never cared to care about. He would say he has...but we all have a right to our opinion...
And at this point...
I just think caring means more, than who he has allowed himself to be in my life.
It's simple. Not complex. Not angry. Just real.
The good news, is I am learning to stand on my own two feet....the way I think I just didn't know how to before.
I am learning to dream, and express myself unapologetically...
And...
I think that's huge.
Maybe the hugest breakthrough I have had yet.
So...
I guess I just write this...
For those who may be judging me, or not understanding. And for myself too.
It feels good, to know, I am a writer.
A writer, writes.
I express...some of the hundreds of thoughts I think per day...
Mainly because...
That is what feels "right" to my soul.
This makes me think about Facebook.
And how, some people use it as a tool to judge the expressions of each other.
Maybe, considering how it was started, that is only "karmically" to be expected...
But I would like to think it can be a forum where we can use it to support each other 's expressions...not the opposite and to judge each other... Not that.
I personally use it to share inspiring posts, or to read them...
Sometimes it's the only "newspaper" I read...and I learned today that that is probably because I have a hard time without inspiring pictures...otherwise my senses get overloaded by words and information alone.
Ironically, I learned that through an article posted on Facebook...that in fact was long enough, I almost gave up on it several times, but forced myself to finish it.
It didnt have any pictures or videos lol...
I prefer to learn hands on. Through people, experiences, visuals, sound...
That's how I learn.
I also use Facebook as a forum to "paint" so to speak. I can express and be myself with "my friends"... That is why I have said, if I post too much to you, then get the fuck off my Facebook. What kind of friend would think or say that, especially when they are expressions or extensions of my self expressions, and life lessons. Come on, right?!
As for the Selfie-pictures...
I think the world has got it all wrong.
I think we OUGHT to find ourselves amazing, and beautiful...alluring and intrinsic...no matter our body types or dislikes. I should be able to look in the mirror often in amazement, and study the creature that is me...that is beautiful, and captivating, mysterious and so vastly deep, that it IS my duty, to inquire into her many natures.
I think it should be a duty to love ourselves more...and consider ourselves beautiful enough to NOT BE AFRAID to take those pictures, if that is what we so desire.
So...
I don't know...where am I going with this?!
I feel the need, to be candid here, about my life...who I am...what I am about...
And to stand up for myself against the judging thought forms and entities out there...
I feel a need to do that, as much as I feel the need to just write what comes out, and share it. Afterall... I am indeed a writer. And it feels good to accept that.
You may judge me if you like...
For being unapologetically candid about my life, it's darkness and light...
For my expressions of self, seeming possibly "vain" or "self-centered" as the dear step-mother had put it...
But really I think it important to know...
That by judging these expressions in me,
You are also only judging yourself,
And the many people you love.
That...
Is a promise.
I can't care anymore about opinions, if they are not 100% loving...
Because I know how I love and refuse to judge (most) others- (I am not perfect)...
And in that,
I know,
That I absolutely deserve that kind of loving openness and appreciation from those I keep close in my life.
With all that said,
I make my peace in my writing; I share it with the world, because unlike my childhood taught me,
I AM NOT alone...
And I just want to be there the way I can, for those who have suffered as I have.
That is why I express unapologetically...
And THAT is why I will continue to do so.
It will never be for those that judge us, (though of course it is)...
It is for myself, and the others who need it. I take the heat...
So the others may follow in my footsteps.
The following link is exactly about the pain of the physical headaches. I impromptu'd this song on the piano, one day recently, while having an antagonizing headache for several days. It can be enough to want to die, as I don't think we are meant to be in pain for so many hours and days on end, with no break:
http://youtu.be/Uclej1JAhSM
Namaste.
And peace and blessings
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