The Dream

Dear Mother..
Hold me! Put your arms around me, and tell me through an undiseased spirit that everything is going to be okay!
That you believe in me, and that the world has never been so lucky!
Pinch me awake
From this dream, and this illusion,
Where it is the broken girl that has to
Be the strong one, the adult...
Pinch me awake from holding up this heavy burden
With wobbly legs--
I fight not to drop the world on my back every second
As I long for somebody to just give me a hand
With this load....
I know you
Will never be
The mother I need...
But I see you, as I try to accept
What it is
Between us..
And Father,
I know u can not see me. See my weakness and how it is a struggle in my heart almost daily
To just keep going.
I need somebody, something,
And doing it so alone
Gives me little left to live for,
On top of a life that keeps asking for a strength it takes everything in me to muster up!
Days, so many days,
U just want to give up.
I am doing everything I know how;
Doing everything I can,
And the steps backwards are like knives to healing wounds!
How many days, nights,
Do I have to put on face?
Before I just sink?
And will I sink?
Or will I float without expecting to?!
I am realizing more and more,
More than I ever have before,
What happens to a little girl
When she doesn't have parents...
Parents' love,
Parents' words,
Parents' support
Or their security.
She grows up
Only never to grow up
From the wounds of something never given.
From the worth of something
Never expressed.
In the belief,
That she doesn't deserve anything good...
To a present day where she looks around,
And has to be the parent she never had.
No wonder the Rock looks so lovely.
No wonder any place,
Is better than here...
Inside her,
Where nothing she does will ever bare her,
Her worth.
That love.
Or the mother she needs.
It is something I would do anything for...
But it is also, just an unrealistic
Silly dream.
She will never be
What I need.
And I have to keep going, and see...
See if somehow this will all work out..
See if somehow,
This little girl
Can still get her dream...
Even if deep down,
Her voice says,
She's unworthy.
Will I always be unworthy?!
Or is that something I can change?
Headache,
Go away!
Relieve me! I do not want your company another day!
Reminding me of who I am not!
Of what I don't want!
Of how unworthy u deem me to be!
Just go away!
And leave this little girl
And grown up to be!
I need a life outside of this!
Outside of it all!
So take it from me!
Just leave!
I do not need you,
Anymore!

One Night

The tears in my soul well up,
But they won't fall..
And I just wish they could be the carrier of this black toxin
Right out of my body!

It is sadness, and loss
Abandonment & loneliness,
And though I know it is not me,
It is stuck there!
Sad.
Lonely,
Against the reign of my mother
And my lover lost...
And NOTHING,
Not anything
Can bring them back!

To All My Beloved Readers

In Honor of You!

I just wanted to profoundly say Thank You, for reading my blogs, and going through this journey with me! Last month I had 111 page-views! Not only a high number :) But a truly sacred number!

11 is a Master number! It is to be revered and noticed, often embodying the sense of Life Mastery,
as well as the underlying drive, of "what's next, what do I need to do now?!"
In that, it makes sense that it would be a "Master" number, as, one can never master their life, passion, or purpose without that drive pushing and pushing them!

What's more, 111 (or 1111) is a number signifying Divine Awakening and the opening of a new energetic pathway!

This is Doreen Virtue's iteration of 111:

"An energetic gateway has opened for you, rapidly manifesting your thoughts into reality.  Choose your thoughts wisely at this time, ensuring they match your desires.  Put down any energy into thinking about fears at all, lest you manifest them."

I started this particular blog, as a way to really express my humanity; in all it's spectrum of good, bad, blessed, and ugly!
This blog is a place where I can be me, and not worry about being
The Perfect Partner
The "Have-It-All-Together" Life coach
The Peacemaker
The Hero
The Persona of "Everything is always amazing"

I find, when you are an Empathic nurturing soul, that comes from a trauma ridden background, and still who even may make daily mistakes, regardless of OUR quest of Peace or Mastery,
Life and how it shows up, can be trying, hurtful, unhealed, uncertain, risky, crazy, and any other spectrum of human emotion.

To this day, I struggle with what it is like to not have had a SINGLE adequate parent around to show me, support me, love me, the way I needed.  And for so long I thought that this was in the past...but when I started to notice the inadequacies of my mother show up in my love life...the absence of both my parents emotionally and physically, showing up in the abandonment patterns of my Partners...
I really had to stop everything, and take a good hard look at the things I had been overlooking for years. 
My journey is the journey of a traumatized little girl, grown up too fast, into a world that tried to swallow her. 
But something happened along the way, where both she enchanted the divine, and the divine enchanted her, and it is through my everyday miracles that I have kept going, and have learned to go strong. 
I am truly, finally ascending into my Womanhood now, and with that, my own Mastery over myself and this life!
It is no Coincidence, that I just had my Mastery Seminar this month, and no coincidence that 111 showed up for the month as well!

Quick thing I wanted to share:
One thing I noticed recently about Oprah Winfrey (we share the same birthday- I'm proud), is that this woman is extremely empathic and "sensitive" like me...
Yet she would everyday, go out into the world, and shine her light so bright, millions were touched.
I watched how she did this, and the scary and miraculous part, was that she did it through authenticity! Through being herself, with no remorse (though occasional embarrassment). 
She stated she had never gone to therapy at one point (don't know if that changed)...but i watched as Oprah made millions op people, the people she cried and reached out to.  Oprah's therapy was her TV show.  She made one statement one day when confronting a political figure, "why not tell the truth?!"
Well that is what Oprah did! She always told the truth about herself, which takes courage, and inspires THIS young, abused girl, to tell hers.

It is my hope in this blog, and in expressing my humanity, that many of you will relate to what is needed.  That is why I am doing it!  And that is why I am taking a stand in a difficult hour, to still show my face, even if it drenched in blood, tears, and the victimized feelings I am working to overcome!

One Another note:
I will have a "Soul Channelings" Blog through my work as Ariel Newborn.
This blog will only entail higher wisdom's and truths, of light and love! And it will be for all of you, my beloved people, brothers and sister's alike!

Thank you for seeing me through my humanity, and partaking in the journey of processing out the old negative programs of self,, that I may shed that darkness, and embrace more, my Light Nature!

You have all moved me! And I Thank You and God, from the depth of my committed soul!



Your Lioness of God
Ariel

Self Love

I have been accused of many things!
Most of them by the people whom I have loved the most.
I find sometimes strangers see me better
Than these people whom I have loved!
Passive aggressive punishment
Lingering in their vibrations,
Like the vibrations of my mother.
I find these people will kick and scream their way out of my life,
Blaming and projecting the entire way...
I am trying not to let their truth
Dismantle my own...
Honor it, see it...yes...
But not let it,
Dismantle my own.
It is interesting watching people fight you to do it their way,
When it CAN be so clear that their way,
Isn't even working for them!
I see now though, that my power lost was in me not seeing this last truth all the time....
And more importantly,
Not acting on it!
It is only I who teaches someone how to interact with me...
And I see now,
Through these people,
That I have failed myself.
I have let them kick and scream in my presence; I see this now!
Much like letting a kid throw a tantrum and the parent never giving proper consequence.
I see now, that is silly!
To let someone kick and scream without consequence...
That is why I have watched them leave, many of them often to return, because the truth is,
I was good to them in my patience...
I, was not so good to myself however..
Nope, not so good in believing I deserve to be loved through kicking and screaming....
Loving through martyrdom!
It is a foolish and girly way to love...
And while I lived these beautiful souls,
With depth and compassion,
I finally see,
I had never learned truly
To love myself!
Being a martyr in love,
Is not love at all...
But now I see!
And if it were not for them,
I never would...
So thank you souls!
For showing me
My truest nature!
I am grateful, and happy, and I forgive myself,
And So I forgive thee!

Witches Brew; A Fairy's Play

The Fairies enchant
As they dance
On the sprillowing, bumping leaves
Against an approaching Autumn breeze
With the dance of the summer fading out;
It is a tinge of a feel,
A subtlty to the fading breath,
As Summer's death
Hinges around it's corner!
This is the first in many approaching Halloweens
That I actually feel the Kings & Queens alive again,
The rattle and the shake
Like witchery sake
And the breeze much more familiar to
A Mystic Fate, teasing and seizing
Life by the Roots, reminding us how delicately the storm
Can turn on our Youth...
Tonight, She dances and plays,
But brings a slight mischievy in the dabbling with Fate
And in any moment again
The goddess of wind
Way rise up or drawl back,
Determining Our fate,
More than we can ever know!
And no, this night, I am Good, for now,
As I sit and watch the dance,
The breeze, twist, twist our fate...,
Calm now,
Fay settled down...
But soon again they will whisp away,
And we will never know,
The fate the role may play...
The fairies are happy,
When the wind blows..

The "Yes" from Beyond

The Lioness
Beats a heart
Like drums!
The sound of Initiation summons
Interdementionals from afar and near
To all sit here
And bear witness
To the Presence.
A true Celebration!
The summoning of God from within,
We dance and beat,
Dance and beat
Dance and beat 'Til Dawn...
The initiation summons in me
A "yes" from something deep beyond
Where I find my foothold
In imagination, in tuning in..
In letting go, in moving on...
In facing the dancing shadows
On the cave wall of my existence.
No more will a tale told
Ever take me from my home,
Ever shadow again
The vengeance of my Light...
Ever govern twice
The knowing I now hold...
Never again will a tale told
Tare me away from the God of Soul
So old, and fresh
So all known and wise
So absolutely the
epididymis of everything close and near to me....
The epididymis of Light...
I can not act as if I have not danced this grace tonight...
Nor shall I ever again
Deny this gift of insight:
That truly,
My God
Is within.
Summon able, channel able upon any recognition,
Available upon any turn within...
I AM the tuning in;
I am the summoned with-out
I am the presence ever before me
I am Life as Purpose abound...
The shadows slink like melting paint. As Light rises, the shadows do fade,
And I am walking again
Where never I was before...
Awake where only I'd been asleep..
That
Is the Initiation
In me..
Continuously
Now
A
Days...
For everyday the gift of God awaits
Like light ready to cast out shadow beings...
And it is in the Continuation
That Initiation
Must never fade;
For we meet the fate of God
The face,
In our own
Everyday that we remain
Humble
To
That deep
Voice Of Knowledge...

Like a body of water deep,
The water, as liquid fluid Light...
Can you see it,
YOUR spark
Within?
That body of deep,
Your channel,
Into the outside world...
And never,
Ever,
The other
Way around!

The Importance of Days Like These

It is sickening...
The war in my blood,
The toxicity fighting as the light pushes it out..
The shaking internal
The loss processing...
I am watching the spring emerge something
And take so much away...
I am feeling the heat push my headaches into pain...
I am nesting in the sweeping breeze at night,
And in a bed alone again...
But not lonely...
Maybe just sad
As it is the end
Of an Era.
Being the in between of God and Man
Means having days like this..
Watching..feeling...
Attempting not to get to caught in the seen.
Attempting not too much to determine what it all means,
But rather
Just to surrender...
Surrender to the that which is coming...
Surrender to the God eternal,
And the faith that I am so actively choosing to be...
Surrendering to the death of a girl, something for so long, I used to be...
And watching emerge each day,
Some new expression
And all the chaos that comes with the new;
Love and fear alike.
I am watching,
Watching,
Feeling, and watching some more,
Some days so scared of not allowing what I am searching for,
And other days, so available to the obvious bliss...
My Dear God...
I kiss...
I kiss thee, let thee embrace me,
And wrap your arms around a tired and sullen heart today.
For I know you see me;
Know you commend me;
Know you know I deserve every arm that would show me love...
So to the universe this day,
I embrace this awakening; the emergence
Of something new,
Something profound...
And I just take what little step I can,
Some days a crawl, somedays a leap,
Knowing for you my God,
It is always adorned.
This is the reason I serve thee...
Because your love is real, unconditional, endless...
It is something I need,
While I am here on Earth...
So I just want to thank you, from your God-daughter spirit,
Back to thee...for I can see now, however hard,
The importance
Of days like these

The NEW Knowledge

I am tired
Processing The Divine
It stretching through and grabbing onto my veins
Like riding the reigns of gripping blood;
All life force energy-
Detox, resting, rejuvenation exhausting
Like an entire back library
That must be read for one's work's progress...
Tired, and surrendering
To inspiration come and gone,
All still right in psalm,
As I am The One,
And never again to fear
That IT
is not graspable...
Allowing me,
To finally relax,
After 27 years here on Earth...
And soon to breech
Twenty-eight.
After all this time...
That it might take
For me to finally get the message...
Me alone
IS enough:
Bare, uncredentialed...untame, raw
In my fight..
In my praise,
In my stand,
For Love...
And now, my purpose in reminding the rest
It is the things outside of you that don't measure up!
The schooling, the money, the career, the kids...
The marriage, the lover, the dreams, and skin...
All these things, no measure to the within...
For in your Being...in your essence,
You are The Light, The Way...
The One and ALL...
And nothing you say,
Nor nothing you will ever do,
Could ever take that away
For that is the inherent gift of your creation...
You!
In all your being, and in everything you choose...
Just please doth beg, the message to all,
Never let those choosings define you,
For You, oh Inherent God of the Divine
Never need a single source
Outside of self
Another day...
Your Beingness is enough for a life worth told,
If and but only,
You could hone in on the Source of your own unique and refreshing way...
To turn within
To find the silence in the "around"...
To stop and take many, many, moments abound,
And find yourself finally floating down
The wellspring of your own sound;
Your own
Inner Peace...
It is there you will meet
Yourself finally...
As with and well,
The face of God.
Rejuvenation, Sound.
Revelation, Bright!
Peace, the ever calm,
And Your Soul, the Immortal Light.

11:48 Prayer {following the signs}

Can I tell you thank you?
May I?
For how sweet it is to happen against
Sign after sign
And feel in my heart
The knowingness all will be fine!
How sweet grace is, in sweeping moments
Like nights of wine,
And girl talk and time
Of rest, where we unwind;
You know in my heart,
These pearls of mine...
These dreams and visions
Leaked...
To a small girl upon her sleep...
You have always known,
The best, the "only solely ONE"
Of me!
How can I deny you? My father, my Mother, my beloved Yahweh?!
How can I question so much in so little faith?
How do I attend to thee, The Lord that is Me,
The almighty of You,
My beloved God, my beloved Source,
And all that you have given to me..
How may I return to You, to deliver as You
How do I commit these forces in me?!
Yet, Jah, how I think I know...how I think I am finally coming TO BE...
These forces, You, so pure...
A condition not IN WAIT to be
But rather a condition OF me...
Simply ready to emerge,
Simply already.
This is my thanks, Dear Night...
This is my bow and blessing with The Light...
This is my Namaste as "Sacrifice"
Rather my Own blessing
From the Gods!
I return back in 3 fold, what today you have given me...
For I know it is only in genuine gifting,
That I know I AM able to receive!
So...
Take
My words,
Like pellets of honey drops
Vibrate back into source
ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL Throughout
This Ode to Heaven
This creed of Thankfulness,
These tears, that years and years,
You can, My Lord, My Savior
Finally restore insight;
Finally set so many wounded free
And to think...
All it ever really took,
Was listening to the still small voice inside me;
But infactually, The Queen!
And NOW, my God,
I too, return to Thee...
As I AM no longer so humble
As to De-confess
My title as Your Queen;
My title as Forever apart of Thee & only Thee...
Your Heir!
Your Honor;
Your Manifest in BEING...
And I start to see a great deal more
What it means to return to Thee...
So for Your honor,
God Mother Gaia,
Sun of All that Be,
I confess you now
And every NOW to come,
That I will live it in honor
Of BEING...
Namaste, My Flame.
Namaste, for My Life
Given
NOW
& Always...
So gracious is the ever gifting
You BE.
And NOW, a cheers,
To You & Me!

Servitude

I observe
That I am beginning to return to self...
And in that,
I die.
I must die.
I am seeing the world stripped bare;
Wrinkles and lines,
Beauty with Imperfections
Worn away with the age and wisdom's of both man and God,
And the role of sustaining the balance.
The war is in man's mind...and how that blood and taint drip down to his heart
Wiping out the God good that once lay there.
Who am I,
If not I am seen?
And more importantly,
Who will I choose to be?!
I lay down,
Everything important to me...
I lay it down, so I can finally see...
See what it is, you want me to see...
Soul Watcher,
Death holder, Life giver...
How I let you ruin me...
Take what has mattered...
Because I have served thee...
I serve thee, as I always have and will forever
Into eternity..
I observe...but let me surrender
And help me to see...
For I can not fully observe,
When I am lost here...lost in waiting,
Suffering
Accusations...
But where is the Empathy?

Why God, hath you given me a heart so,
And will it soon be my time to go,
Or will you relieve me of this desinence?
I am open...though ya, maybe I don't so much want to be anymore...
But I am.
I am open...
As I sit, pacify this Time, and observe
Whatever good will it is
I contracted myself to.
It is no wonder
So many souls,
NEVER
Go back.
Goodnight, my God.
Until again,
Yet another day.

The Sands Unwind

I don't know how many times i've found myself at the beach this week;
The calm calling my longing heart..
'Tis no wonder I find myself here again today,
As reality slides her heels in and fastens her straps...
Like the lady of my youth declaring a night out.
My shadow has riffled hair
And a load crossed over my shoulder
That makes me think "if I had to place myself"
I look like a Venice beach girl..
I don't know what to make of it;
Moment's like this in between.
Although my gut tells me,
It's these moments like this that aren't for me;
Rather these ones
Belong to God...
Still mind.
In the last past days, I've watched my sanity wind and unwind...
Now I know,
There's a lot of me
She doesn't see...
After all this time
After all.
I don't even long for love anymore;
Rather sanctitude!
Abortion of this life and all her pain;
I am weary again!
So I lay my head in this refreshed sand
And take my time
Unwinding.

Angel's Last Spent

Die!
Rescind to me, O' black poison;
Death that betray my ancestors
And how it rides on the back's of stubborn toil,
I lie here, in bed,
Awaiting my own death, like so many before me.
Black poison, like bruised and spoiled purple,
Deep and dark,
Like the pity in my soul;
I gaze into blues blacked
As I am swallowed whole
And stretch in outreach,
To a world I can not hold.
My legions, stand now,
No more but to put down our sword;
I can not bare the fight anymore,
Oh Angels, my Angels' dear!
Hold me now, more than ever,
Hold me now as we bow;
In love, I put down my shield and arrow
As together we take, this final bow
This last
& final
Bow.
Goodnight, this earthly dominion!
Goodnight and a Holy good day.
It is a day at last, a final one come
And a final walk I take!
Goodnight to my last
And everything whole,
And everything that ever will be;
I lay it down, to ascend to the High
Where I know my crown awaits me.
And no more blood, and no more deep, and nothing left dark to see,
For I have seen it here, and seen it all,
And it an image, I am no longer fain to see...
'Tis now!
'Tis only now!
'Tis only one time left!
And if ever a moment, I take it now!
And bow
The last moment spent!
Adieu, au revoir, goodnight on this last night spent,
I leave the Earth, a hellish domain,
And gain,
My Angel's delight
Of flight...
The fanciest of fares
On a ride back home...

Heavenly Release

The breath of God, Mother Gaia,
Is my chariot into Heaven
Descendant clouds peak in heaves
Of twilight highlights of pinks and grays, blues, and hue's of Violet's sunfire underbelly.
It is my ride atop, up far,
So far from where we are,
I ride a heaven on high
Like spirit's wild fire.
In Heaven, I am gone.
Into the clouds, breaking away
So far away
From where we are.
Stand tall,
And fly free. No more accosting who I was born to be, but me:
The spirit in the chariot of Mother God's wing; The Dark Phoenix I've seen!
Today, as August falls, and September arrives,
The Summer lays down in rest, as the Fall greets...
And I too, journey afar now,
In rest of it all...
Finally ready to sleep an end down,
To rest and recover, with retreat.
My journey lays a road ahead, into clouds on high and wings,
I am joyful to take an exquisite bow
And retreat to my Thrown on scenes.
Summer, farewell...
And in dawn, I say adue...
As asleep to the Earth, my spirit may be,
I arise in the Fall-full youth.
Phoenix of the sky,
I lie with the Dark and I,
Know the journey of the moon...
Lily Lilac & Mahealani Blue
I see, the sea, I see the sea
I ride the sea, just me and you;
Deep Blue.
Deep Blue.
Deep Dark Blue, a journey
Of Midnight's Cue.
Arrest.
A'rest.