Unspoken For

Baby..

Babe..
I know you do not deserve that title..
But I miss you so....
Underneath,
Like a low hum.
A long hymn...

A longing to have you,
Physically,
Here beside me...
So you could stop running-
You won't.

And as "She" smiles to herself,
Side smirk,
Laughing almost out loud,
Because it IS such a joke!!..

I still just wish I could have that chance to love you...
Not sad...for once...
But curious...
Loving you enough that I want it to be you I can laugh with in the middle of the night..
You scooping me up tight...
Tired from sex and just wanting that "teddy"...

It's real though isn't it?
"What if, what if, what if?"...
Fuck what if...
Why aren't you here?!
Taking a chance to keep me warm one night of many.
Giving me a chance to let you be real?
May we make you real?

I'll take you in the real.
As you are.
Eating it up; not about the other stuff...
Just about time.
With.
You.

Yeah...
I miss you my baby.
Lodged so deep, so undeservingly,
For so long.
And it's a funny thing;
In many ways I don't mind loving you so...
THIS way...
But the real would be nice.
We'll devour the awkward and let the plight of the night roller-coast Heaven and Hell.
Make me mad. Tease me.
Then tell me you love me,
And "need me"...
Make me want it,
And I will give it gladly.
Missing you, My Lord.
Fuck,
Missing what you do to me.
While you go here hiding.
'Stead, force my abiding...
And write my heart into cages
You gladly, laughingly,
Toss the key away to..

Then,
Tuck me in, when I'm not looking.
And study me, when I'm "Sleeping"
And show you can fathom the tick-ticks of my universe, my Love,
For so long.

I need
A love like yours,
Dreaming of whipping that shit
Into chain-caged bending..
I'll Tsunami your beaches,
And trees.
And allow them to bend and reshape to me-
We'll make the land a new
Though the wrecked becoming Salvation's que.
You don't even know, do you?!
Stupid Lolly,
Baby..., ride or die me
Ride to quiet me,
And we'll tame The Beasts
Including the one's inside,
While riling the world into ride or die.

A love sweet and contradictory
Like marriage
To the death of the old,
And children to an emerged velocity of nonsense...
Making sense from miracles,
The the force that pulls two people to abide
By old childhood selves...

You don't even know, do you?!
Seeing you...
Having to pretend not to,
So your pride doesn't shoot stories tall...

Watching you stall...
And fuck you for this!
I would love to the smack the shit out of you for this,
And watch you smile...
At me...
Knowing the crazy comes because you drive this force in me,
Like Love...

Maybe Love..

Even though you're too scared to believe.

I'd love,
To make you real, to me.
Skin's awkward becoming a year's rising...
Overtaking,
Everything you've feared in seconds
Of now.
And now.
And more
Now.

Fuck you for doing this!
I wish I could hit you.
And watch you smile at me, thinking,
She's ridiculously fucking cute"...

You know the fuck you deserve it.
You also, ought to by now,
Be able to hear my voice
In your mind,
From memories of talk,
And know "she means it"...
"When she says I love you"

Not some hopeless romantic ideal of perfection...

But real.
Real enough that ya, I would love to hit and slap you...
Love for you to laugh...
Laugh...
Stead of this...
Nothing.
Nothing.
Miss you, baby.
My baby.
Always been my stupid baby!
Clever, too smart,
Angering me...
And I wish,
Submitting me,
And giving me a chance to let you talk me out of anger

In laughed seductions and deflections,
Of reward.

Reward me,
For this. All this.

And take me in.
And fuck that life out of Me...
Before tucking me in after I fall asleep.

Keep me..

Reward me
For holding you here.

I long to see
Past the ice-break.
What fun
There could be...

And yeah..
Love & Trust Undoubtedly...

Oh boy...

But that's silly with you,
My Lover Baby...

Ever hopping, hopping..
Uncaught.
& Determined.

"It is mean"...
She saying Laughingly...
Knowing it's ridiculous.
Ridiculous she loves this friend who's not such a friend I've known...
Unconditional,
As she smiles it away.
Wishing indeed,
She could get that once chance to make real and nullify
The unbroken Ice...
The "I'm afraid to"...
Questions upon questions,
Putting off,
You just here.
Devouring me...
As you always should
Have been.

As you should be.

No tomorrow.
Or Yesterday...
Just you,
In my bed,
Keeping me.
Scooped.
Done.
Sheltered.
Altered.
Reborn.
And all in that...

The next morning...

Waking up to you.

I would love that...
And hate it,
Till you allowed yourself
To love it too.

Dreamer

I am a dreamer; let me dream.
And as I walk beside this garden,
Fountain a'gurgling...
Enchantment, my favorite part of This street,
I soak in the morning air, the freedom to be, and I find myself dreaming
Once more.
Dreaming of what, they in nay-saying have tried to take from me-
Dreaming of vast peace,
In my own garden's
My own life
That may or may not come before me.
Dreaming of those miracles,
They try to cut me short on...
Dreaming in love.

I have been a little girl,
For a very long time.

And something in me has finally grown up
For this occasion...
Has decided to rise.

It is family and "friend" that may very well tare us down the most-
We have to be willing to still strive,
Regardless of what miracles
They may never let themselves see...
That doesn't mean
We should ever stop being willing to be,
That which we stand for.

So, yeah... I do dream...
And I look out, most the world not so much understanding,
Through the eye's I've seen.
And I'm beginning to accept now,
That perhaps, I am on a pedestal.
Call me unhumble,
I just can't stay down there in that view..
Where I can't see God,
Through the burning flesh and ash.

I have been called many things,
Maybe even many of them true...

I realize now,
I just have to stop caring...
It really is silly.

Some people will see you,
Some people won't.
Plenty will judge,
Especially those u want to the least...

Maybe,
Maybe this is why so many
Stand and walk alone.

Much less to answer to. To fight against.
To take.
Not saying it's the best way...
But I can see how there may be more peace in that...
Afterall.
In a world after us,
There are few who will not participate in taking us down.
The dreamers...the dreamers...
And how we must keep to what we see.

It is hard to explain everything I know...
And even harder when they still don't understand...
So yea...
I'll walk my walk,
And I'll dream my dream...

And So, I'm sheltering a bit now.
Because I have loved fiercely...
And let them in maybe a little too much.
Let them take on
A little too much...

And instead,
After all this time,
I'm finally enjoying that walk alone...
That stand alone...
Because it doesn't feel so lonely anymore.

The Angels Couple my hands,
And hover my back...

The breeze is sunny, and the air fresh,
And I know I stood for myself today.
Know I accepted my human parts...
Knowing it is all done.

Knowing it never meant anything...

Knowing so much,
That tears of gratitude stream.
Because I did not wrong myself this day.

And there is something that feels intrinsically good about that,

Wherever it may lead.

The Purge

Babe....

Love...

Fingers, intertwine into mine.
Won't you lay it all away?
Why won't you lay it all away?

Kiss,
Your lips.
Your shoulders,
Where maybe,
You don't so deserve,
Where maybe...
You know it.
But notice it does not stop me,
From giving in.

I
Am not Her- your mother...
Not her...your ex.
But I, am also not you, still cruel.
Will you not,
Lay that all away?

What is so hard about loving yourself?
Finding the inspiration in all things,
And yes, especially in me,
Unless...
You just don't want to..

Why do you hold onto the pain so,
My love.
My Soldier.
My rebel.

Still not worthy,
Of this motherly hand..
Nor Goddess,
Nor Yogi...
Nor the Animal that she is.

I love you, baby.
I love you so much,
And I am not stupid to turn an eye to see, that yeah...maybe I could hate you too.
Maybe that's why you distance yourself from me.

Maybe I would hate how you get apathetic and moody.
Maybe I would fear you would torcher me with that energy you use to torcher yourself...

Maybe, also,
I have always just been hoping,
You had it in you
To heal yourself up.
Sow yourself up...
And stop running so.

Maybe all you have wanted from me, was my body...

But She, my vessel, contains my heart too...
And me, and you...
We are something else aren't we?

Well maybe, all you wanted
Was that!
Divide and conquer...
Well babe,
You did that.
Are u happy now?

I can not lie, how I have wanted your hand over your meat...
Your softness over your pain...
Your love over your self hate...

I can not lie, that what I give of my flesh has only been, because you had somehow stolen my heart..

I can not lie.
I can not lie.
I choose not to...

But I also know,
I am okay now...
For once,
In a state of peace I thought I could never achieve...

And here my sweet love,
I still love foolish,
Sad,
Cowardly little you...
You, with the fierce heart.

Oh, and it is a sweet love,
You will probably never know..

Because yes,
I am so very done,
Selling, ever selling, my soul.

But should you want to lay it down,
And sound and sound those temple bells,
Perhaps one day...

You could learn a love,
As you lay this down,
And Love that self...

You know, the brilliant, kind, un-"sociopathic" side...

I love you baby.
I do.

And afar we will keep it.
Until there can be God,
Between us two.

Moon by the Tarot

Free forming to a written hand and two bludgeoned demons
Left on the side;
She a side-ways mess
To and fro, before you know, none of it
Was ever in the clear, or near or there,
But
Here! Here! Here!
She vines words around sweetly wrapped
Trail-blazing sin
And sits on it again and again,
Until orgasms melt into quaking awakened
Mind-body masses,
Needing nothing else but tall glasses,
And indiscreet, belly-flopping
Ammunition
As boats go a'sailing back home.

Drowning her head, stomping it out, with medicine, oh medicine..
Hangover and wraths about, trying to shake away her peace-
Never stopped once today,
To think, or think about it,
Or that something could indeed cut the chord off from Divinity
Infinity, like breathless soul,
And rising flying,
As souring to meet, meet, meet with the minds, where we go,
To get but a little bit of peace..
Okay, a lot a bit!
And knowing,
And not knowing so much more than we know,
That boat in the sky is lost
To all the secrets subconscious spells have us to our chains.
Barriers depriving, before midnight rains, but then, oh then, the moon comes out,
Revealing
Everything.

Double-Edged Mirror

Closing my eyes,
I see a hue of blue through dripping lenses.
She, the color, is Universal-
The kind a blue, you look upon galaxies...
And admire the spark, of their dust.

There is nothing I can do to reach out to you...
Nothing I have ever been able to do,
In forcing not just love,
But also,
A certain kind of.

Uttering "I love you", in my heart,
And I feel how those words ring my temple so, sounding throughout,
As though a Gong, awaking mass.
When I utter, such heart space,
Those words, suddenly don't seem so small
Or trivial- how they say saying them,
Doesn't do the feeling justice at all...

But, they do...
As I sound those three words for you.
They move me...and yet, how so I am at peace..
Distraught (maybe) underneath..
And so many whirlwinds of things, ...
But overall...
Peace..
For now.

You left. Both of you.
And I smile, seeing the silliness,
And then the dark sadness,
That in seconds,
Brings showers...

But never taking the beauty away.

I realized today...
How..
There was this boy,
Who maybe had been taught...
Starting with dear Old Mom..
That a woman could never be trusted.
I knew a girl who thought so too.
And they left. The both of them.
And that's when I realized,
How dangerous I had always looked..
In particular...
A "creature like me"...
Particularly,

A creature like me.
You,
Of all people know, my Love..
That our outward appearance is a clever disguise...
You...
Of all people,
Though still choosing, feeling,
To fear me so.

Sweet Soul,
Who needed to be scooped up and shown a better life..
A way to love..
A way
To know
Love in Family.

I
Never knew
Love in family...
Until my Father came to a perfectly failed rescue...
Not failed at all,
But perfectly unrescued I was..
Accept but by the love
Family would show and grow
Over what has somehow become 12 years now.
Love is time.
It is also respect. Honor...
And in my opinion, something few ever truly experience
For our love, down here..
Is ever so shaded in gray.

I do
Have the highest standards..
I can see this now.
In the sense that potential is the volumes by which many will never reach.
Most, won't even strive for.

I do
What's hard,
Loving the enemy..
Loving the friend..
Loving the insane..
Turning the other cheek,
Apologizing in vain...

I can't even stand to do to them what they have done to me,
Without collapsing in guilt,
And apologizing in vain.
I do, what's hard,
Knowing LOVE,
By a whole different name.

Did you ever stop to think,
That you can not have love without God?!

The bible had at least that much correct.
You can not have love without God.
God
Is
Love...

And so, conclusively quite,

Love
Is
God

You can not have one without the other, nor seperate them.

The ones I have loved,
Have almost loathed themselves..
If not,
Most certainly have..

You can not
Have Love,
Without God...

Nor most certainly,
God...
Without
Love.

(Falling asleep)...to be continued..

The Voice from Prayer

As I pray, I talk to myself from my Angel's perspective; maybe just my Higher Christ-Self...
And this is what I hear them say:

Do not fret, Ariel.
Do u feel that In your chest?(talking about my pumping heart and very human body)
You are human. Do not feel that guilt. You do not hurt others; they LET themselves be hurt.
(This does not mean do not be careful or considerate not to)...it only means,
Do not fret,
If indeed, they do get hurt.
It is easy to take this world personally. We ask you not to.
Stand strong in who you are, in your mission, and do not waver now. You are loved, so see the love. Everywhere you go.
Do not fret
On judgements or opinions, instead...stand strong in your truth.
And go, where you will be loved, and understood.
And when there is not that place, in the present moment..
Then come to Us...
And go within.
You are loved here.
Stand strong in that.
And do not let the world hurt you so, anymore, oh, delicate soul.
They will do as they will do, and you will cause mighty Change,
Much beyond, anything you'll know.
So fret not.
Be in gratitude. See the beauty all around you...
And let THAT take over...
And we WILL help you.
Begin to know now, your strength.
Begin now, to relish and cherish in the beauty, the gratitude..
The love all around...
Stead of sit and relish in the pain. Or your past.
Honor us...
And we will continue to take care of you.
Much more than you know.
Give yourself credit. And start relishing in that. There is a backlog of memories you have paved over, that hold accomplishments you tend to forget.
Relish in these,
And for heaven's sake,
Stop that fretting!
Be in love. Stand in love.
And we will continue to stand with you. "

Revolutions

Sometimes I don't know who I am-
In the face of all they have to say.
Sometimes...
I forget who my friend's are,
While loving other's that mascarade away.

Some days,
Seem so wrong.
In all they are willing to think,
Or judge upon.
Reminding me, now,
As I have grown strength,
That I can not fret so,
On the un-mighty opinions of others,
Especially when perhaps,
It does not stand in the mighty strength
Of
Man with God.

They fret,
And call it love...
Still so much to learn..
And sometimes,
When I think
I am so far behind,
In moments like these,
I see the paradox,
Is that I am really ahead.
And at many a times,
A man
Just standing alone.

My notions of God & Life,
Are romantic so-
Stymied by the minds around
That have grown family's and jobs
That have allowed "what's normal"
To override their sense of "right".
Is it right to participate in genocide?

If it is not genocide of the Spirit in us all that just wants to fly free,
Then perhaps it is the Genocide of the
"Freedom to Be"...
And if it not that, such a genocide,
How about we just look at how we all enslave and kill animal-love,
Just to call it meat.
And if THAT, is not genocide,
How about how we amass a single being,
Just because we do not agree...
Heaven-forbid, you ask, or look into their eyes, before judgements are made behind their backs,
But ALOUD, in other's company?
Genocide,
Because we do this by the plenty.
And yet with it,
Every singularity, crucified.

And if THAT, is not Genocide?!
How about how we still let the FDA stand,
When it is everything wrong and poisonous to LIFE...
Or how we have failed to over-throw in revolutions,
The 1%,
That not only send our families to war,
But kill families innocent upon outside continents?!
And If THAT, is not Genocide...
Then how about how we let that same 1%,
Take our homes away on OUR land,
And make a once prospering continent,
A nation of slaves and pains,
Disease, and loneliness,
Ailments and homelessness,
That will kill us off?
How about how almost all American Food is poisoned?
So...
You want to talk to me about Fame? Or expression?
I don't think so.
You want to talk to me about fear, concern for my health...
Well I died a long time ago.
You want to talk to me about being sick,
And bad judgment...
Your opinions don't concern me so..
Not when messages of Love,
Counter,
Counter,
And repave me...

You see...
What they tell me,
Revives me, and gives me purpose,
Faith, mission...
So when u bring fear and opinion,
Understand it can never compare,
To the love I receive outside of this Veil.
Understand,
I am here to evolve..

Not just myself,
But any who will come with me...
And I can only hope,
That will indeed be nations.

And if you think it best I play it small,
Understand, I don't.
I am here to create a revolution!
So if you want me,
Back in my box,
And your children's eyes unscathed...
It is a new day.
Marshall "Eminem" Mathers knew.
He knew the world needed the truth.
That suburban societies hide, in their homes,
While their neighbors and kids scream and cry beneath...
While we pave over chasms deep,
Where the blood of the devil and our dead run,
In what we call "Normalcy".

So when you speak to me,
Stop not knowing
What you're speaking against.

Thank the heaven's someone cares.
Enough to love.
Enough to cry.
Enough to speak the truth of pains we all try so hard to deny.
Enough to stand against Family and foe...

You either know why I walk,
Or you don't.
You either support cause, and love..
Compassion and truth..
Or you participate
In the Genocide of us all.

I am hypocrite.
Still doing things everyday, that I am sure,
Hurts the world around..
But those are my ignorances...
And so I ask you,
What
Are your own?

Oblivion

Mmmm!
I got through today.
Through my anger, sadness, guilt..
Through my blame.
Inside me now,
Even as tears well,
Is the light THEY
Want me to feel,
And remember again.

As I take, day after day,
Moment by moment..
And soak in, what I have left myself,
I see there is loneliness still-
That haunting dark abyss that used to drive my life..
My sadness..
My chaos..
But this day,
And after all this;
This year, AND,
This Life..
It is a small drop
In a very vast pond.

Nobody WANTS to be Angry..
But sometimes,
We just are.
Relationships fail.
It hurts. Even kills..
And we all..
Sometimes,
Just take,
That it's easier to blame.

I...
Don't want to be Angry.
I have hurt,
And said things,
And blamed.
And I
Have been wrong in doing so.
No-longer needing an apology..
Perhaps rather,
Just my own.

It may be hard,
That the outer world,
Is not always so quick to see.
So quick to know..
So quick to understand,
And therefore,
Lend that Compassion..

But I see now,
How I can not expect them too.
An ancient proverb reminds us,
That is is not the job of others to help us love ourselves...
That is our job,
And our job alone.

Should I even reach out my love,
I have seen, it goes not understood for what it is, so no,
I suppose by now,
There is no use in apologies..
Even, if I am sorry.
It is "the sorry" in me,
That loves beyond human form..
Loving beyond nasty words we wish we could take back..
Or what's worse...
Nasty thoughts...

I did not mean
To hurt.
And so I apologize to me,
That I may forgive now.
And move on.

They will or won't know me;
My Sorry...
Just as much,
They will or won't
Know their own.
In the cycle of everything-
Love, and Death, and Life, and Time...
This part of it all, is okay.

I did not mean to snap or be angry today.
Words I wrote, to release, going unposted now, but needed, ever-so...
To get over that river in the road.
And now...
After the anger, sadness, hurt, and blame...
For now mostly gone away...
I see only love now.
This moment, window, out of time..
Forgiving
And Loving
Into Oblivion

Testimony

Love as testimony.
I can feel my heart bleed itself,
But cathartically,
Releasing..
Dripping..
Seeping,
To come to another day,
Where when soundtracks are played,
I am a soldier to a beat,
A drum to the flair of wind and hair,
And living a life carefree,
Free.
For once in time,
I see me,
She..
Grazing underneath,
And releasing old scars...
Looking out-
There are flowers
And Her smile,
There is love,
And friendship..
There is connection,
And even this beautiful strength now,
To stand tall in the face of adversity.
To rise greater still,
Stronger now,
So when they speak,
I am unmoved, but by the Angels.
And my guides.
And the love that underscores all our tales:
Buried. Sad. Dark. Repressed...
Greater still the love,
Still abreast.
Still ever eternal
As we glide down and inward, to make resolve.
I...
Really
Loved them.
And I release that now..
Giving it back over to God and in the hands of the Angels,
Where they can domain as their shelter now-
Not being able to take back,
Or make happen...
Not being able to force,
But purely,
A surrender doth take place...
Simply because I know it must!

Love. Choices. Lust.
Kiss me on my forehead bare,
Where once my soul had ever
Been given over.
I see Us,
Hovering to time;
Suspended.
God, loving you ever still...
But I don't need this..
Version of us..
For it eludes the story
Of our honored.
Our respect.
A love, that yes,
The Angels might bless..
But I don't need this.
It would be too unfair, to us both, My Love.
Ever still mine.
Ever still thine.

To Have a View

Did you know, world, that
I love you? Deep. In the gut.
Where nerves get wrenched,
And that which is true
Will come to show?
Do you know,
That although,
You look back upon me,
Through the eyes of many egoic minds,
I still see you,
And love you true?!
Loving potential always.
But,
In the beauty of Is-ness,
There you dwell too.
And it is in This Is-ness,
That I feel you loving me,
In all it's complete
And reciprocating energy.
We...
Are energy.
Less we forget?
So what is a label but energy?
An opinion but energy?
And if it is yours, are you not creating the very energy of the label you speak?
Choose wisely..
For it is true...
That which we see in others,
Only truly reveals
How we view.
I'll say that
One more time:
That
Which we see in others,
Only truly reveals
How WE view.

I know this now.

Home Finally

I suppose I have come,
A long ways.
Suppose I am harder on myself,
But don't realize until those moments pass;
So as I kiss Genki,
Alone to OUR place,
I see Kyra,
And us buying him together.
I see the move back to my mom's
And losing the life we tried to built.
I see Ronan, in all that time..
And I see how Alecia too,
Has passed.
I see how she left this place,
Maybe because it was always mine.
And so now I am where I wanted to be somehow.
Pulled the jobs I wanted.
Alone finally away from them, and Her, Dear Mother.
And something feels right..
Even in the sadness,
With loneliness ever still,
Having a protruding tale.
I love him.
And gave all others their chance.
It is,
What it is,
As for now,
I do this Dance...
And see if I can find
A whole lot of soul,
Somewhere beneath.

One more Tear

I decided I wasn't going to waste a tear on you
So, as she spoke,
And I uttered those words of consolance,
I managed to catch them too.
And the tears roll down my cheek now,
But nice, and slow, still there...
And really, it's all
Caught up in my mind,
As if trying to make sense of a storm,
In hindsight. As if maybe watching one, through a peaceful glass.
Head-fucked.
I was inspired to play,
But now,
I sit trying to make sense of it all,
So much!
And that moment,
How I saw still, the shock.
Knowing, no..my sadness has not kicked in;
Seeing now,
I didn't want it to:
To shed
ONE
more tear over you.

The pit of Anger Swells
Hidden in
Everything I have not allowed myself to feel- like a seed, deep.
But it gorges, and bleeds,
And I feel it begin to pump restlessly
As I shed my tears
Over woes
And beauty.
Over those,
And all I see.
And all we feel-
The world & I.
I shed my tears for those...
And yea..
I see,
I shed my tears for you.
In all
The woe and beauty.
In the slow roll upon my cheek,
That does not actually amass only pain,
But so
Much
Glory in God,
As us.
All off us, each of us..
And still I find,
It is not enough, but only TIME,
Can be the achiever
To take the burden of pain away.
Even still, new pains..
.. likely trailing.

Tap-Tap

Breath in.
Sign out.
Tap tap, tap tap..

I'm tired.
8am. Tap tap.
And I'm craving coffee for days-
Security,
For days, tap tap.

So I write- tap.
And I get to see my dad today.
And work all weekend.
And hopefully keep my place, tap tap..
Otherwise it's out!
Gotta pack up my shit and leave, tap tap.
The chest pains, eccentric the past two days, tap..
Exhaustion, tap tap..
Exhaustion.
Want to let it all fall away, tap..
Leave it all behind.
Leave it all behind, tap tap