Searching for a remedy..Writing? A healing session? Dancing? Music?
And I'm realizing...
I'm not at peace as I search...
Not in surrender to WHAT JUST IS.
My under-quality..
Moved as anxious-ness..
Between forcible loss
And some need to create and be great and recognized..
The slowness of the morning..
Moves me, churns a bit underneath,
As discontentment stands.
Struggling to remove him from my consciousness..obsessiveness..my being..
But noticing this all,
I just surrender to my slow morning cup of coffee, and give myself time to awake and arise today..
No rush..
No need..
For in sitting alone with this current of feelings,
I know I can be freed.
I know in the sitting, there is relief.
What I realize after these many months of healing..
This whole year really as such..
How I have been running my entire life,
From all the under-turmoil trapped in the vessel of my skin...
And how it finally makes so much sense, that I had been so deathly afraid,
To truly make that journey within.
For the journey of peace- a double edged sword,
As all our demons lay in the same space...
The within is a scary internal realm,
But one, I've finally been able to turn to in grace!
All these years, I'd been running away...
Anything to not feel the pain trapped within...
And now I realize the only way to release it out,
Is to be willing to stand, and stay...
To sit in that quiet space...
And deal with what
Comes up.
You bet I feel foolish, in how I love...
Knowing not so many so sweet in heart, so capable to give,
And yet somehow finding myself in love with those who take..
But I see it is the path of my Karma to be healed. Realizing for once in my life, that through my own healing, I can heal the world.
Today, is a day, where it hurts.
The under-stirrings anxious to find resolution, and let go, and have peace...
The heart of me...more wishing than anything...
For my miracle.
Having to surrender that my only miracle at present is me...
Knowing that I can not expect or wish others to change...
But that, that change
Will come through me.
Will come as me...
As I do what somedays is hard:
Practice honesty..
Integrity,
Vulnerability..
Believing in truth as opposed to games..
Believing that Love in it's generosity is far more potent than push and take, tactic and strategy..
Believing in healing and positivity to recover and heal
And even going so far as still having faith where good man seems lost...
It is a battle somedays at every cost..
Loving so generously,
And getting burned as I learn to straddle bounderies...
The old me loved, because I wanted to be loved back...
This me loves, because she can't help it..
And just struggles not to let where her heart goes, burn her.
I know...and have seen...people loving in peace..loving me..friends mostly..
But because I have seen this, I know what love is supposed to be..
So as I withdrawal from where my heart has taken me..
I hold this space..
Asking for healing, contentment..
Solace...
Not wanting to ever be loved as They have loved me,
Ever again.
I don't understand, how one can not, will not hold the hand of the molested, neglected, pure heart framed that I have been and am...
The abused, rejected, loving innocence that through all that, still remains and stands...
As if they do not understand the heart it takes to get back up and rise from each partaking...rubbing away tears and hate, disdain and pain,
Mustering up innocence and love again,
Courageously coaching self to not stop being generous...
To not stop believing in love..
To not stop having faith,
That yes, she, this prisoner escaped time and time again,
Can one day truly be free as she courageously believes,
In her own miracles...
I know,
They are not me.
Will never know what it is to be taken of, and taken again,
And to arise back up,
Still pure, still true, still courageously strong to endure and subdue pressing hates...
Rather to transmute them, and display a Leader's sake...
And I
Am truly
That leader.
Processing those molestations I purposely erased...
Processing verbal, emotional rapes..
Processing the pain for the loves I've taken on...
But never being able to heal them,
Where they will not confront their own deepest darkest repressed forlorns...
It is true.
I am a girl who arises..
Time and time again,
Shedding the skin,
Of the places my heart has gone,
And the people who have used it as a muse until no-more they could take..
And then me..
Mustering up that faith again, to be on my way...
Ever alone in a way..
And yet I know also,
Never
Alone at all.
I wish compassion
In their hearts...
But how can I expect them to see me, acknowledge the great heights it's taken,
When they run from their own feats...
And therefore,
Their own victories...
For as I learn today..
The peace and the pain,
Ever hand in hand,
As both WITHIN remain,
And it is only WITHIN that one can gain,
Any
True sense of self...
But how can we if we keep running away,
And how can we honor other's courage
If we can't truly comprehend
What that takes?
No...
They do not know
What it takes...
To not hate...
Molestation, abuse,
How relationships will rape and bleed you...
And for me to thru all that, still see you..
Forgive you,
As I clean up your mess in me...
And you still venture off unseen..
No...
You will may never know, what it takes
To forgive and still love in the face,
Of having perpetrator after perpetrator bleed you.
I am waiting for my knight...
Attempting now, to be that for me...
Attempting to still hold the faith,
That someone as sweet, loving, lending,
Will in just that way, one day, cherish me...
No more taking,
Yelling,
Blaming,
Hurting,
Fighting,
Combating..
Just peace.
I am that innocent girl, still wishing for the perfect childhood...
She is still in me...
Yet I take her naivety,
Transmuting into faith...
For dwelling in wishing the past didnt take place..
Is no help, no help..
But rather, today, having that strength of faith,
That heart to pass...
I just want peace. Laughs. Good friends. Amazing family. Healing, to be reborn again for all of us...
And I will seek this to become.
My faith strong.
My love stronger.
My heart, the strongest...
Unbreakable...
No matter how
They've tried!
I know what they've done,
Is due to their own deep undone's...
Not truly a reflection of me...
So I take this heart of strength, and forgive again..
Just this time,
No longer willing to bleed.
Wishing them peace. Integrity. Honesty. Strength.
Wishing them the courage to heal and face.
Wishing them love, and the perfect relationship that perhaps, I couldn't be...
Wishing them peace...
And claiming that peace,
In me!
And so it is.
And so it will be.
Namaste.
Namaste.
From the deepest piece in me.
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