Deeper Still Colliding

Old wor(l)ds
Ripped out of pages

Colliding
With Newborn haults.

She,
Taking a moment to look out the window,
Drawing words up around the buzzing swarm over spotted rounds of dirt
Where Mama pulled the weeds.

How the dancing flies
Look like tiny pixies,
The light reflecting rays of translucent Pearl and yellow glows as if the sun were beginning to set for summer.

Stopping,
Wondering,
If any body else sees what she sees,
As she is carried away
By her imagination,
And the words that pass her mind
As though she were a painter
With a dipped bristle ready to construe.

She watches herself let go of the drapes- white and pure,
New and embroidered
Against a house that had always rather retained dirty colors..

Ironic,
The room is unclothed and unhoused but by two cats...

And yet in there,
The Light is pure,
Seeing for once,
It is okay,
That the rest is not.

Stepping and turning away,
She pushes the words back..
The ones that just took her away..

As she steps over the cat-littered floor,
Making her way back to her room.

Some imbalance waring to maintain,
As she paces herself between movies resting her brain,
And tasks of organizing this
And cleaning that..

As she stops and pauses often enough,
To stare out,
And in,
Leaning back and petting him, her companion..
Noticing,
Noticing,
The tiredness like exhaust.

Yet still,
Ever Relentless.

She tares old words out of pages,
Seeking to organize notebooks hardly claimed for this purpose or that..

Songs intermingled with class notes and poems..
Business ideas, and what her practice would term, her "clearing sessions"...

Nothing seeming right
And yet, how she deeply, and truly knows
For once in her life...

It is all perfectly on time;
Fine.

It's just the emotions fighting-
Waring.
As the planets shift into their trine..

And she knows,
Even still..

Amidst the thought still running,
And the feelings still flowing,

That in the mere act of observing it all,
Everything
Will be fine.

And fine still.

As she
Goes Deeper Still...

Into that rich,
And undulating
Awareness.

Mindfulness.
Where she pulls words
But also, Words just flow.

"Go Deeper Still"...
Going deeper still..

Tired, and not the happiest...
But for once afterall..

Finally,
Finally,

In peace...

Carrying That Torch

I don't even know what to say anymore..

No,
Nor how to express myself,
As I lose myself
In everything: Love;

Fear, barely able to exist here-
You, still as loved as ever

And I, somewhere on the clouds,
Truly dancing-
Can't stop a sunbeam;
An extension so brilliant
As God,
Through you,

Nor I.

No...

It is hard to contain the silliness that when spoken,
Is so easy to not understand:
Love
Miracles
Forgiveness
Ease.

I have noticed instead,
They try to pull the fears in me..

And their eyes widen that not I fret,
For I have cut those strings;

Pinocchio freed!

My heart feels wide beyond my being;
Horizontally stretched as vast as vast can be..

And my mind freed,
In beginning stages,
As I dance in my imagination,
And Love,
Just Love,
In Ease.

Shedding skins,
Does not mean past lives
Do not live on.

In fact,
It only means,
They grow beyond their own means..
Today becoming something,
They could have never been
The life before.

Leaving them, him,
Her, or not..

Here, they are..

And as I love,
Opening up to the sky,
And flying out of my chest
And dancing in my mind,

Their love meets me;
Never...
Never ever gone.

And instead,
Easing me.

That I can love,
That I can see,

And I don't need them,
To see these things in me.

Simply & mostly,
Because I know man by now...

And so I forgive
Man by now.

With Hawks wings,
I raise myself above human plains,
And look down and see-
A souring sight.
A much different view
Of the world,
Than most will ever venture to see..

That all, however,
Can.

Upon that ground- That Earth..

Souring,
Passing,
Through that veil o' sheath...

Seeing things,
These sweet things,
May never, ever see...

And loving, loving them still!

I seek,
To spill, and sing through words, these hymns in me..

These sweet Odes
That the artists convey in their work..
Their words, soliloquies
Their chords, attunements
Their heart, dripping

And spirit, wide...

And I just search, keep searching
With peace and ease,
For the words to spill over in me;
From the keys, rhythms
Their expression holds-
Their notes strike in me;

From the colors
And the notions
That somehow give my imagination wings,
And attains in my soul a freedom,
I have always longed to be.

So sweet.
So, so mouth watering, and dripping from the crevices of my sincerely smiling contented being...

And how,
I can taste this nectar,
And love you
All at the same time..

Needing nothing
Returned for once..

For truly,
I

Am my greatest returned anyhow.

I sweep my smile
Up to that sky,
Where our Love, my Love, lyes...
And I can settle my spirit there for a time,
Resting..

In you,
Before I come back,
And move, keep moving.

None of it Is ever quite as far as we fear it to be..

And I see that now.
And I thank you, Love, for gracing that vision in me,

And I hold my head up high,
Tears
Streaming-

The Light of God,
Leaking.
The gratitude,
Seeping..

As Life moves.

And today,
I still remain not to forget you.

Though indeed,
I have grown these hawks wings.

And something in me..

Forever,
Ever,
Has Changed!

Restoration

I love you;
Calm,
Upset.

There is grace between our being.

Calm.
Riled up.

A stillness across skies...
Where just perhaps our souls journey in the night;

Sleeping.
Riled up.

Protection, like a blanket & shield
Power, a Graceful unveiling
Servitude,
A night watch.

Looking out, everywhere, at every, tiny thing...
I see you,
Feel you,
Like grace in me...

Serene,
Calm..

Until I'm riled up.

I twist and bend, The Water Barer, to night's foretold
Where gigantic bodies of existence,
Rotate, with pushes and pulls..
Where moon's change,
And we, like magnets, move..

And in all this,
Feeling you, but bending to apropos moods...

Loving you,
And even often, Dear One,
Waring with myself not to...

This,
Is a sword
I put down this day.
The War, my love-
It needn't stay another day.

Because I ought no longer be ashamed.
Why should I
Be so ashamed

For loving you?
Seeing you?
Breathing in those faint but profound harmonies of your spirit..
And how they dance my wings..
Like a pixie, celebrating all things.

Worship & Glamour.

Why should I be ashamed? And coil up,
Feeing your judging telepathy?
Why, would I let that taint,
Something so simple,
And so profound,

As the view into
Another's Soul?

I know,
That I should know.
That I am expected,
To know..

But no, I don't always..
And you, have taught me,
A great many thing,
Already...

Though I am too, ready to put that down.
No more love through pain.

No more lessons gained this way...
Let them be few.

I pray on my knees...
More and more,
Every Day..

And in the wonders I see,
There is a vast awakening in me..

And in my heart,
I take you with me, on this journey
Of
Relieving Peace,
As if liquid Gold and showering energy,
Are literally poured into our being,
Restoring all imbalance..
Feeling
The truest nature:
The harmony of everything,
We as Man, were meant to be.

It is something you will not know,
Until you FEEL what I mean...

But,
I take you with me. Inside. For my joy-ride,
And hug you tight,
As They, restore me...
As I watch that shadowy past life memory,
So black, so deep, so dark & lost--cavernous.. Literally
Become vanquished in the light..

Once,
Like you,
Believing that Dark was me.

If you fear who you are without it, fret not;
That is the Best part of the journey...

It is also, at times, the most challenging,
For it is easy to fallback on old systems,
When we can not see the How, the Way,
In THE NEW.

I love you.
Yes...
You...

Seeing you in everything.
In everyday.

And I guess..

That's okay.
I guess

I'm finding that peace,
Where it's all okay.

You stay..
Right where you are..

And if your heart moves you,
Either way,
You too,
Know where I stay:

...in you, somewhere
But I am also a seeker of Peace & Fate..

So I'll stay.
Until I'm gone.
Never knowing either.
If such a spell will fade.

Unchanged Sink Hole

Melancholy tail spins
As she stands against her mother with an already dwindled patience
Watching the eruption pace to her chest, then hands
Where she starts to tackle ripping her hair out.
Every conversation- dropped;
Every ounce of trial-ing,
Failed from every beginning.

She seems to keep thinking she can change her.
Make her understand her daughter's reality for mere moments.
Speaking in circles 'til her chest is blue,
And almost running into the other room,
In a steady race,
Before she closes the door behind her,

And immediately cries.

I just want a mother that doesn't lie.
To herself, and therefore I..

Everyday the vanity taking up pieces of my soul as I abide..
Losing myself in the tiredness
Of continuing to try.

This thing,
Taking up my soul...

This girl, ever still trying to remedy the brokenness at home;

The same broken she ran away from years ago...
The same broken that followed her from there back home..
The same broken she loves in the faces of her chosen..

Mommy and her to blame..

And she knows it!
Tearing and screaming another night,
Anything to take away the pain,

Of another conversation attempted..
Failed before it began.
Feeling as nothing more than a ghost
To this Mother, Monster of hers..

Left alone..to brave..
Trying so hard to brave
The pain, so desolate...

The request, so hard.
As she just seeks to take my soul,

Uncaring of the returned.

And how I learned,
That she is my role-model..
Into being loved,

Because, Yes they...
Have done, so done just the same..

Taking my soul,

But somehow...never taking me with it;
In.

My candle dances fluidly with my tears,
As my mood, already sad, sour
Undulates into melancholy-

The heavy weights
Of not feeling bueyed, or loved
Enough for somebody to actually put in

The Effort.

That's what her love had taught me;

That I am nothing worth the effort-
This little girl sinking
Still waiting

To
Be
Raised.

Everyday, I with my arms wide out,
Passed like a hungry child in the streets;

She will NEVER see me...

And I am merely stuck in the in-between of that story told, and the patient, kind daughter she expects me to be...

As long as I let her be...

Nevermind me..

As long as I let her be.

Still searching for a way,
To make this all okay.

Meeting her everyday 95% of the way,
Each day failed,
The next anew.

And then there's that question...

"Why in the world am I playing Mother to you?!",..

And I'm tired...
Tired of trying..

Shutting my mouth, just for her, or them, or you!

Tired.
Of sinking...

Still waiting.

To be

Raised.

Is Self-Love born in this world, because we realize that if nobody loves us truly,
We've got to?!

I don't know how to weather her; the condition of her sanity..

And against my own loss, and emotionality,
The collapse, as in tonight,
Just seems suitable.
Understood.
Maybe even needed..

As this thing, so tough and trying to be,
Cries, cries,
Herself to sleep.

All the pain, releasing...
Sure enough to rise again
Another day.

I am strength.
Hear me sing...
Even if it be,

In whimpers.

Just in the sinking,

Waiting,
To be

Raised!

Repeat, Repeat

"I need you" on repeat
Out of nowhere.
Valentines day perfect,
But your name Slamming me,
Finding me..

And the convictions seem dwindled.

My kisses to your imaged lips..
Soft, palpable..
Unmet, Goddamn you!

Giving up the world around me-
Needing to..

Anything for...
Him; you..

Gone straight from not needing you there,
To repeat, repeat,
Geeezus Christ, what's wrong with me?!

Watching it,
Repeat, repeat..
His name; yours..

And I want to fuck the sense out of it;
Burn the house down..

Because there's no sense here..
As I have done any and everything to
Tare, tare, tare Him out;
You.

But Repeat, Repeat,
That damn curious, intrigued Cat in me,
Playing chicken with her lives left..

Left
Lives.

Baby...
Can't you take me in?
Why won't you?
Don't want to?
Am I not her?

Am I not her?

And you not mine?
Is that why?

Is it?

Because then, I'd understand..

Repeat, repeat..
Watching Ego soar, on clouds, thoughts,
And I seek to hold her back,
Hold her down,
Place her back,
Right inside me,
To sit calmly and take in the peace,

But Geeezuz Christ, Baby,
Your fucking name!
Getting the best of me..

Unsettles and transmuted,
Unspokens and diluted..

Never a closed case to give me grace,
But rather, YOU!
Fucking you..

Unclosed.

And my damn soul,
Isn't having
This unfinished game..

Not with how much she longs to you;
Me.

I tried locking the doors,
And setting the house aflame...

But there it stood,
Unscathed the next day..

Repeat,
Repeat..

Maybe because it's not done...

So why..

Is it because I am not her?
Too easy?
Too complicated?

Repeat, Repeat
Actually, how I love your name.
Enough to bury it and dig it up
The next day.

Enough to drive something in me, stark mad, baby..

Obviously.

"I miss you"..
On repeat.
Next to him, Next to her-
You, on Repeat, in me.

And I never got to quite cast my spell on you.
Never got to.

So wanted to. Still do...
As you repeat, repeat in me, Babe...
Forgiving this stupid thing..
As you repeat, repeat in me..

Because none of this has been US anyway..
Just some empty shells in transient games..
Dazed,
And lost and finding Soul.

And if you haven't heard my apologies,
On repeat..
I am.
Deeply..
Also,
So sorry.

And would do anything,
To
Just reset
Our Repeat.

Believing I could..
Do that impossible thing..

And Love you...

Coming on strong,
Because it is intense, here,
In me,
Over your Repeat, Repeat,
Within.

Never leaving..

Even when I've pushed you out--
Like a ghost,
My mind takes you in.

Repeat.
The lives
In me.

And I am;
I'm sorry.

She...

I don't know if it was me, or you, or everything...

But I take it back.
Undoing it all.
Kissing those lips..

Soft, Palpable..
Making them mine.

Or...

Not.
Or...

Not.

Writing.
Surrendering in time.

Figuring it is Lost.
Me, mad
You, Apathetic, as you say...

Is it just me? must it be?
Has to be.
Can't it be!

Is it just me?
Knowing us two creatures differ so-
Just me... Going mad?!
Must be..

Must.
Just trying to cancel out..
This damn Repeat
You have in me.

Kissing
Those soft lips..

Attempting my Goodbyes so many times..
Never,
Ever
Having you..

Anyways.

My Babe.
Yes..
Ever in my world,
Just longing to love you!

Kissing you,
Attempting Goodbye, I suppose..

As this repeat,
Repeat..

Just goes.
And I'm attempting,
To watch it...
As if it will dwindle.

"I miss you"..
"I need you"?!

What the Fxxk?!
"Need"?

Repeat.
Almost getting the best of me.
But I just attempt now..
To write it OUT...

To RIGHT it out..

This repeat.

Maybe it's the damn stars, astrology..
Moon,
Weighing on me.

Your name, dear one..
That face.

Lips unkissed.
Reset.

Reset.

Reset.

The Priceless

As I surround myself in this symbolic cove of protection;
The one suggested by the Rune of Protection, and symbolized through Elk "Medicine",

What I seem to be flexibly opening up to is the vast space of Love
That just IS
Me.

Suddenly, it doesn't seem so hard to just love everybody..
To allow myself to be raised by the Village, or to Love all the individuals in the village back.
Boundaries seem to hold my peace for retreat,
As I take my time to self to assess the fable of life.
It is a thousand interesting things I find,
As I sit and read my self; this book contained unending and within.

The last few days, I have gone on missing him..something about this Cat to my soul..
And I have watched myself grow..
Becoming more wide in acceptance, spirit.

I read my book, and watch how the chess pieces seem to drip onto certain spaces on my board...
My conscious and Sub, controlling them through intent I don't even fully understand.

They say, that wisdom lies deeply in the man who can surrender to The Mystery, and it's unfolding...
I have sat many days pulling in this "letting go", that I can reign in a much deeper love...
One bond vast and unbreakable with Self.

I have my innocence still,
Broken pieces still on the shelf..

But as I lay in bed and stare upwards,
I let all time and wisdom, all thought,
And it's counterpart
Scoop me up to bring me home, to that place of peace I find after a while..

I just needed time. To reconvene. To recollect from the Web I through up. Stirring up. Unforeseen histories.

I just needed me.
Time to really find her, as she lay just below a surface waiting to shake, and break wide open.

I've found her, in this Peace-
Only took a lifetime...
28 years, not really so bad- Thank You, Village..

But it's interesting straddling what my Reverend calls that
"Simultaneous Consciousness"...
Where our Peace walk side beside within us, with our Egoic Mind-
That mind,
Ever processing, counting, calculating..trying to know, trying to see...feeling, and making more out of it than need be..

And our INNER PEACE:
Surrendering, allowing, accepting, determining "right action"..
Waiting sometimes,
Praying and going "inside"
Asking for wisdom from a completely different mind..

And yes,
As I watch Ariel,
I watch her walk both sides...

The wisdoms seem to really hit home now more than ever;
As if with each recognition,
It grows this etheric body of energy in me,
As me..
And I feel myself widen to take the world in.

They spoke so many times of Love;
How it was the only force that could heal the world...

I never realized how true this was,
Until I tasted Her...
Her Energy..it's healing property...until I let Her heal me...

And yes, Her, being Love.
What a truly potent, potent remedy..

But as I found, one can not fully understand such a truth, until they seek to embody it- be it- sacrifice for it...

By making that nasty journey within and through our darkest shadow sides, before we can get to that inner pool of Golden Light.

There,
Self Love dwells,
And all healing,
From inside out.

I face this space with time now..
With Everyday's now.
With Love in my Heart; surrender, acceptance..
With Space, so I can learn to see...

And not just view.

I have been wrong,
Disheartened,
Lost,
And blind..

An within this space,
I also take all time to see those happenings..
To love an forgive myself..

And to love them
For raising me,
Taking care if me,

All these beautiful things and creatures o the world I had so often blamed.

No...but how could I?
No, not into my attempt to see..

I simply can't...

Rather,
I try to take the space to see and love them..
See
And Love.
See and Love...

And again, see
And Love...

There is only one truth amidst the many..
And this truth I attempt into infinity,

To see and Love.

In my human-ness...
Certain things are not yet lost..

Like Him..
And the cravings and submissions...

But at least in this cove;
This "antler" space of protection-
And the warrant of time, the Now...

I can learn my way through..
Seeking these deep virtues of spirit...

Through Him..
And they..
And all my attempt..
And all my learned..

As I finally submit..
To being Village-Raised.

I may let them all Love me,
And I can let myself Love "they"..

For in this Golden Pool of Vast Space-
Peace, Time, Love..
I am watching the old systems fade and die away..

Jealousy..
Hurt,
Pain.

And so here I'll sit...
Learning to truly Love, Again!

In the "Old" way.
The way, once forgotten...
But ever Timeless and Sacred.

Agape.

Dirty Things

I kinda of,
Sort of,
Want the words
To tell the real
Behind our worlds;

How we fold and hide,
Never telling all...
Never telling all,
Because it is a sinful tall-tail,
We all reduce
To the secret door so small,
Locked away
In that only place-

The dark side,
Paints nights,
Where dirt under nails almost seems to stain into us...
Where sins feel dirty,
A dirt you can not scrub away...

Where even love has it's scary,
As sometimes it can take and take us...
Until the good is lost in the dark side
Of it all...
The fall,
Between Him and Her...
Or them, and they...

Sinking in abyss' just to stay
Right there,
In the busy of it all...

'Til somebody,
And something,
Truly falls.

The dark nights,
Where we secret the unthinkable,
And deal with those shadows the next day..
Where when everything is going phenomenally,
We fear the day is just there,
Any moment now,
Where it will all be taken away...

And do we,
Us dirty things,
Really deserve that God,
That Good,
In the dark nights,
Where we drawer God away,
And let the conspicuous play,
With our lives,
And out sights,
Our heartbeats,
And Rouletted games..?

Dark
Where blood is on the hand of thieves...
And simple innocents like me,
Go out and play,
With the devil's maids...

And then,
And then,
There's the morning.

Shades off, the next day..
Walk off,
Heart off...

Just a little off,
As I'm searching for the stains,
That seem to have left
Residues behind.

I want to tell the truth of our nights.
Shady.
Walking lines.
Heels and lashes,
And dark in their eyes...

As innocents like me,
Come out and play..

And seduced,
We find,
Our kind.

Star Collapsed

Passing Through hands,
Rain splattered pavements,

There...she was...
Just waiting.

Hat getting drenched,
Lips Apple Red...

Staring through the sky tearing...
Looking straight through me.

She didn't seem to notice
Her toes on high soaked to her knees,
Nor the Hem of her coat growing limbs of water
Further and and upward upon her body...

She just stared.
Looking at me; past me..
Through me...
Soul Agaze... As though fire were raining, stars falling out of the sky
And Heaven and Hell were shaking.

I can not tell
If she is someone other than me...
Lost in this space between,

Staring so beckoningly at me...

And it was hard to see through the stars falling,
But I could have sworn there were tears there, so far away...
And it scared me..

Like this Dream was about to Aroar in Fire & Ash before me,
As if those glistening pearls down her face,
Was her last goodbye.

The world shook,
And a comet fell from the sky...

And when I looked,
She was
No more.

And I just stood...
Watching...
The Lostness in my Soul writhing...
My deepest quiet screaming as it sank up into me,
And the memories of horses and field's,
Her, there smiling as we went riding...

Sank up into me...
Things I'd never seen,
Yet there they were..
Forever I side,
As I watched her disappear
Right before my eyes,
In a single,
Slow-motion blink.

Street on fire and rumbling,
Sirens and screams thundering,
And All I could do was stand there...

Watching the fire tour the street,
The heaviest of rains shadowing me,
Pattering the street...

And there, she..

Was gone.

Her gaze, her stare...
Burned in me,
Pressed and branded, like other world symmetry...

And I knew why she had arrived.

Knew who she was, and what I had to do...

My Angel from the sky...
And why she cried.
Why she burned and said goodbye...

A Hello...
A Hello..

From something much beyond...
This world that suddenly took her.

And she knew...
And she did it all,

For me.

Burned for me..

Just so I could see...
Again..

Through her Red Apple Lips,
And hat drenched.
Through her gaze into the single soul of us two..
And tears leaning in...

She allowing me...
To see again.

To see,
Having somehow In a single breath,
Lost everything,
I never had,
But would forever gain.

Her gaze,
My light turned on.
My thirst quenched;

Once I lived
And died...

She...
Coming back in time...

Showing me,
These memories...

And now,
Now,
I just live again...

Watching her perish,
And everything sink...
Then, then,
That everything
Becoming the tiniest,
Darkest,
Point in me...

Like a star.
Collapsed.

Yes She.
My star Collapsed,

In me.

Almost Had Me

I almost cared..
Until I danced..

I almost cared
Until he watched, mesmerized..
The twinkle in my wink
The hypnotized in his eyes...

Telling him,
And the exclamation,
"What an idiot"..
As My rile turns,
Into heartbeats revived.

I almost cared,
Until she sang my life,
Stage- the world,
Possibility, my prize.

Reaching and dancing
As the veins of sight
Stretching my arms,
Visions, my night..

Beating to rhythms
As thighs quake hips,
My eyes the gateway,
With tell-story limbs...

I almost cared,
Until I forgot...
The silly affairs
Contain her not...

Freed to the sound..
Rhythm in waves..
Life stretching out
Nothing
To ever contain
Her.

It's something they see,
She in her flair..
The Beyond in her eyes,
The slow motion in her hair...

How time slows,
When she sings or casts-
Spells the body of her motions,
The Goddess, her secret to the Vast.

Infinite Gold
Stretching in her light...
When they look they may not see it-
Doesn't stop them from being mesmerized...

I almost
Cared...
Until I remembered there...

The coveted,
So coveted,
As I watch without affair.

Watching, to whom I dance...
Leaving the Charmed in tact...
Walking away from the dance floor...
Back a cast.

I almost...
Almost cared..
'Til I remembered there..

The choice, the silliness of affair,
As Dog's Tongues smack...

Forgetting
To see...
Her affect of He...and she...
And they...
And it..
Had been so silly of me..
To forget...

That I almost cared.

Until
I saw myself
Again.

Then...
There
Was no turning back.

I almost cared.
Lucky,
Rabbit did not.

Lucky for me...
I almost forgot...

I actually couldn't care..
And it's there again...
The memory that I do not.

As I Dance my feet,
Sing as She..

I free my body...choices come easily...
As knowing me..
I will see to it..
That this time, this time,
There's nothing to it..

Leaving
The silly
Behind.

Dancing
The affair of life..

Living the dream,
As Spirit sings
My quiet...

I almost cared..
But this 29 Baby..
She's just too much a Riot..
To ever
Ever
Let man sink her...
Instead they drink her..

This new energy she grounds for the long haul...
Goddess charms,
Casted alarms,
As she ventures to leave them in tact..

Turning her back,
And focusing on the World agrave..

She's got, she's got,
Many a soul to save..

Turning her back, giving you a second chance,
To not
Watch your heart break...
Undoing the seductive charms of her snake..

Leaving you,
Leaving them..

In tact.

Almost cared.
Until,
She
Remembered.
She did not.

Lucky,
Lucky,

For you..

The Time; Is Now...Please

There's a song in my heart
That's not playing.

A longing in my heart..
As I fight vagabonds off,
And just wish to be safe, serene, seen..

I have my days,
Where I bare my teeth..
But it is truly only because underneath..
I am weak,
Fragile..
Scared of what they can do to me...

Forcing a Strength to the surface
Almost like radical severance,
Almost another identity,
That boils up,
And fights for me.
To save me,
From the many hands at all those undone's.

I do wish,
I could place my memory in them..
Give them a taste, of what it's like to be afraid...
Scared of any one of those moments,
Where they overthrow and take you,
Because you just got in too deep.
And they have the strength to..

Drugs, innocence...
And suddenly,
Your asking for your worst nightmare.

Love, sacrifice..
And the day it turns into black in eyes,
And no air to breath..

Radically,
As they around,
Take length,
To Rape, Strangle, Shake me..
Severe me..

And then those that come around like games..
I wish I could give them my memories as a taste...
Almost certain..
To induce tears in them never faced.

The Radical Facade overthrows
Sweet, sweet faith...
Innocence ever having to tip-toe
Afraid..
For her life..
More than you will ever know.

And, I'm sitting...
Face to face with this fear that's shown..
Just escaped from the Rape of Throne..
Needing to remember,
That she grasped my life in her hands,
And squeezed, and squeezed,
Calmly telling me,
She'd do it 'til I couldn't breathe..

And then,
I go back to man, this thing I am so afraid of,
As he before me, not cares about my story,
But coaxes, coaxes,
A girl who used to bleed and freeze,
At saying no.

I am scared.
They scare me.
Coming in, passing bounderies..
And I just long,
To have arms wrapped around me,
A sole place where I belong,
So I can be safe, shine free,
And get on with these worldly deeds pressing at me..

But I tell you...
Man scares me..
As they're taken me..
Without ever seeing me..

But in glimpses...
And then,
I bleed out..
Raped.
Sojourned.

Scared to death of anything less,
Than just something safe
And warm.

And I wish I could give them my memories..
Because I just don't think,
It'd be
The same
War.

Take my heart for a day,
And see if you can handle half the feats I face...
For I AM WOMAN..
Here,
In your ruthless, dog eat dog world...
And yet,
I still stand...

Everything in tact..

And maybe broken some days..
Lost, and hurt, and rot with pain...

But here I stand
In your vain..

And everything
Is still
In tact.

I dare you..
To try on
An ounce of woman for a day..

And see
What she
Against all odds, and abandon..

See,
How she,
Still stands.

....I do not blame man...
But I am deathly afraid,
Of getting hurt
In his world..

As I have..

For even they, THE WOMEN, that I love
Had cut me down to my faith..

THAT...

Was the only thing,
I would never,
So clever..
Let them take.

Within a beat of my life,
Nearly EVERYtime,
I found the strength to pull myself
To my feet..

Even in my beatings,
Still never knowing defeat..

The strength of Woman,
Lays in her softest heartbeat..

And therefore, no man,
Will ever ever know..

The journey their counterparts
Take..

And because of this,
Man has not seen,
How he has taken, and yet abandoned
His most prized masterpiece
Of a gift of life..

And so his daughter's beat,
Raped Wife-,
Widows left in the cold..to die

And I pity, and pleeing,
Beseech man at my knees...
To see,
To see..

Us,
For once..

To see..
No greater feat in life,
Than the resilience,
The fight..

The strength
Of the Woman denied.

Still.
Denied.

Birthed. Raised. Sacrificed. Raped.
Shackled, beaten, degraded..

And yet,
How resilient we still stand
To raise you.
To love you.

To never,
Let YOU go..

Although we,
For centuries,
Have remained alone.

Can I make you see?
Breathe you humility..?
A join compassion through empathy?
Summarization of collective memory?
Stab your heart for every heart you made bleed..
For every dishonor you took from her, refusing to see..

Who she is
Underneath..

What makes her tick, cry, bleed, shake..
What has caused her to rile in pain..?
How does she remain,
Okay?
Yes, just okay?
How does she thrive?
And when, will she lose strength through a good but difficult life,
And need you?
Yes you,
To carry HER for once?!

Please,
carry ME for once..

So that it is not I always going Strong with Weakness

On the verge of collapse
From all that I don't mean to take on.
Just loving..
Innocently playing...
Until someone..
Really does get hurt.

Hurt, like the twist of a knife,
Or that fight that goes to far..
Or that gasping, gasping for air just to breathe,
"No, she screams, get off of me"..
Or the times they forced themselves on her...
Or the times they raped her of her Worth..
Self..
Love...
Worst- of her need to see
Another day...
Rather pleeing, "I'm ready, so take me please"...

No...
I don't believe you will ever know...

Ever know...
How woman still stands...
Even in your refusals to acknowledge her feat for man.

And how actually,
It has been woman that often,
Has truly saved man,
The world,
From its own defeat..

Yet..

Here I am..
Alone.
Observing..
How they still do not see me...
This..
That we are...

Something,
They may never be...

So please,
For once..
Put your pathetic sorrows down..
And serve,
By carrying HER...

You may not know it yet,
But this is how the world gets saved!
It is in man's saving final grace
Of what he will finally give,
After centuries of take..
Back,
Back,
To the WOMAN, he's forsaked...

Back, back..
To her.

In loving her,
The ONLY way...
The right way...
The honorable,
Cherishable,
Sacrificial honing of gratitude...
Servitude...
What you give her, she will give you...

And I promise,
The world,
Will return

And all sacrifices will be re-birthed...
Actually supplying
Abundant Profit...
Providence..
And actualization...

Through you.

So please,
Carry me for once...
And I promise in doing so...
God will be carrying you!

Rolling Dice

It was raining on me all night
As I tripped..

Life rolling dice,
As I slipped.

Biting and chewing the abate in me..
Lying In bed, couldn't sleep.

Morning shedding light,
Against wakened, closed eyes.

Visions, images,
Coming, coming, going..
Clearing, sealing, knowing..
Feelings, asking me to sit...

Slipping away,
And back again..
All night,
As I slip in and out of my shoes,
Wondering,
What I'm doing...
Why I am doing things this way,
As the night speaks for me,
The dice play for me..
The phone,
That gateway in...

What happened?
Chewing my abate.
It's all good though,
Today, that new day.

Really.
An entirely,
New
Day

Window in the Sky

Windows. Time.
Floating...

Panes white, looking through
Glass Floating, clouds hue

Rays beyond, peaking past
Blue & Gods

Flat sky, stretching, connecting
Everything
Under it.

Want to hold this moment..
In time..
Forever...

Because the candle
Beside my bed flickers
Holding that dancing shine...
Yellow & thine..
Brilliance tip-toeing..
Under Beloved space..
Hues of time..
Absence...hold
Grasped...let go...
Breathe,
Halt..
Stand your ground.
Because it's where you belong!
Right there! Powerful.
Now!
There!

And I find myself loving the sink-hole,
The division of Emersion..
The galaxies that collide..
Under lost nights..
Those hours where veil is weakened
And we can penetrate through..
Travel to..
And beyond...

I want to find the space within...
Where I am no longer missing
Any
Of them...

Because they are there,
Whole.
Loved.

And I am Love.
Strong.
Sturdy.
Respected.
Beloved.
Honored.
Cherished
By me
Alone.

So that when they come,
They will not know me any other way
And a bow, a grace,
A hug, and breath shared..
Will be once again,
The only way.

Can I speak of clouds, windows, gateways in the sky,
Doorways in our eyes..

Release from the prison internal..?.
How I wish, I could pardon them all...
Tell them all...
Love them all...
Shake and awake them all,

But Life no,
The trick you see...
Is that it has to first come through me.

I truly
Do love.
Beyond. Humbled. Vast, like space, in galaxies...
As I ought to...

It shouldn't surprise me...
I am the essence of HIM, afterall.

The essence of Love, vast,
Somewhere deep...

Touching barely any portion of Love's puzzle pieces...

But even still,
Enough to see.

Sitting,
In this window sill,
Floating above everything,
View of the clouds, and how they call the sky Heaven...

It is. Though so am I sitting here, observing.

Taking,
The small moments in,
Making them gigantic,
Giving them room, and leave,
To take over...

To take over to remind me,
That that which I seek
Through others, through dreams-
Goals, visions, creativity, love...

That not an ounce of it can compare,
To this Heaven,
This vision,
This insurmountable infinite, infinite
Space in me,
That yet,
I have to understand.

I can only try..

And as I do,
They never go away.

Perhaps it's my innocent youth...
Or perhaps,
It really is Love..
Some form of,
Seeing enough God,
Beauty,
In them,
To honor,
Enough to love..

And I would say,
That I think I do...

I would say,
That I do!

Falling back now, I trail to my bed-space,
Back hitting,
Covers lifting...
Soul drifting..
Sight Seeing..

They are all there.
In me.

And I wish I could bottle this..,
This recognition,
And feeling...

So that when I go outside again...
I remember to take my home with me...
My within..

And so instead
Surrender all, and any of this pain.

But you know...
Even they don't know...
How miraculous,
How devotionally mesmerizing...
Addictive,
Succumbing,
Intoxicating,
High...
The sight is...

To look, beyond...
And to have moments,
Where in endless ways,
We start to converse, meet
God...
Face to face...

Every moment, precious.
The Solid Gold of our inner most Soul..
Our core,
Not contained even by our own vessel;
In-
Surmountable.

You can not make someone see this.
Nor value.
No...
And I want to give that up here...
Give it up, for acceptance,
Faith, qualities of spirit,
So that at least in my world,
I can give out miracles..
Receive God, as me...

As I honor She,
This Ariel. This beautiful, perfect thing...

She is quite vast. Quite limitless. Quite loving..
Amazing, scared, resilient...

It has been tough on her..
On me..

But I am okay
With all that now...

Never knowing,
In all our humanity,
How we will hold the space...

But we can try.
And so I try.
Forgiving.
Myself. All of them. These beautiful, alter-gods that surround me;
Mirrors and seas of faces, as me...
Not being able to blame even one..

Even me.
Forgiving, completely...

And attempting to bottle this moment
For store.

Forgiving myself,
Ever more,
EVERYtime..

Releasing the seriousness behind,
Everything..
Just everything...

Especially my own climb.
And especially...
Theirs.

So for now...
Love is sitting here...
And I attempt to bottle it...
For all the days to come..

For all the moments to test..
For the pain, that as a vein of life, will never go away..

I bottle
This love,
This forgiveness and whole sight..
This space between Soul and night...
Black, where galaxies may exist...

Bottling as much non-resist, that shall fit...
Capturing,
The Peace.. This knowing..
This window..
In the sky.

Psalms Letting Go

My obsessiveness over you baby is amazing!
Still I find the still waters grazing.
Hymns become the chants of universe's pulling close;
I begin to feel the chords in my soul.

Urging flight lifts us...
Land, a far away home..
Lyrics and trails adrift us,
Resting to the plights of our psalm.

Soundtracks speak my silent internal, as I lift from within,
To meet dreams never seen.
Evading human flaw, as surreal ambivilancy,
Attempting to awake to my Dream.

Knowing you not, as so you say, not so much the real thing..
For we are soul, yes you and me..
A truth we ought never escape.

Healing winds aback my breath,
As wings forever arise...
I see the plight in your eyes, dear Darling,
But it not be a fate we'll abide.

Instead, I draw you..
Like the letting, letting of blood...
A flood I let the demon's keep,
As it'll be the last they'll ever applaud..

For with me, dear Love..
We'll evade their sake..
Singing wrath as her altruistic name...
For in the flight I've taken you to,
No thing can ever stay the same.

I lift you.
Take you.
Weave you into God!
Ask that you not kick and scream.

Do it. Do it...
And I'll watch you throw the game.

Or Instead, surrender..
Sing these odes...

Open to the things you fear-
You can never, may never, know.

Watch our birth arise.
Play nice, and wings, your sight..
Watch and listen,
Feel and bow..

As I take you this eve,
Into night...
Never,
Ever
Returning
To who
You were
Again...

For the illusion is drawn my Love.
And done, and done, and done.
Be not fooled by the dying Ego, for your graces it hath undone!
And called you by name so false, untrue, convincing you IT was you...
Rather Ego the death of every soul,
And let it,
And let it,
And let it go...
Wrath and pain,
Hurt, no gain...
And let it, and let it, and let it go..

Inspiration...
A kiss...true Love, self's bliss..
Purpose poised like harmonious flow,
And inspirations,
Inspirations,
Rejoin, as they rejoice, you uncovering your Soul!

You...
Dear love,
Let your Ego die..
And I,
And I,
Will ready your flight.
Close, those eyes...heart brand new..
Souring,
Revealing,
Freeing,
Unveiling..
The deepest,
Scariest,
Darkest,
Brightest,
Most joyous,
And miraculous...

Truth.
Be not
Be not,
Afraid...

For the world,
My Love,
Doth need you!

Put down
Yourself,
For they.

And yourself,
Will again
Reign.

I'll see you..
See you...
I'll see you..
In our psalms, dear one..
In our songs, dear one...
And maybe.. If only...

In Truth.
Love, foretelling...
The journey
Of
Our Soul!
The journey of In God, our Youth!

Slow Morning Coffee

A little dis-content this morning!
Searching for a remedy..Writing? A healing session? Dancing? Music?
And I'm realizing...
I'm not at peace as I search...
Not in surrender to WHAT JUST IS.

My under-quality..
Moved as anxious-ness..
Between forcible loss
And some need to create and be great and recognized..
The slowness of the morning..
Moves me, churns a bit underneath,
As discontentment stands.

Struggling to remove him from my consciousness..obsessiveness..my being..

But noticing this all,
I just surrender to my slow morning cup of coffee, and give myself time to awake and arise today..
No rush..
No need..
For in sitting alone with this current of feelings,
I know I can be freed.
I know in the sitting, there is relief.

What I realize after these many months of healing..
This whole year really as such..
How I have been running my entire life,
From all the under-turmoil trapped in the vessel of my skin...
And how it finally makes so much sense, that I had been so deathly afraid,
To truly make that journey within.

For the journey of peace- a double edged sword,
As all our demons lay in the same space...
The within is a scary internal realm,
But one, I've finally been able to turn to in grace!
All these years, I'd been running away...
Anything to not feel the pain trapped within...
And now I realize the only way to release it out,
Is to be willing to stand, and stay...
To sit in that quiet space...
And deal with what
Comes up.

You bet I feel foolish, in how I love...
Knowing not so many so sweet in heart, so capable to give,
And yet somehow finding myself in love with those who take..

But I see it is the path of my Karma to be healed. Realizing for once in my life, that through my own healing, I can heal the world.

Today, is a day, where it hurts.
The under-stirrings anxious to find resolution, and let go, and have peace...

The heart of me...more wishing than anything...
For my miracle.
Having to surrender that my only miracle at present is me...
Knowing that I can not expect or wish others to change...
But that, that change
Will come through me.

Will come as me...
As I do what somedays is hard:
Practice honesty..
Integrity,
Vulnerability..
Believing in truth as opposed to games..
Believing that Love in it's generosity is far more potent than push and take, tactic and strategy..
Believing in healing and positivity to recover and heal
And even going so far as still having faith where good man seems lost...

It is a battle somedays at every cost..
Loving so generously,
And getting burned as I learn to straddle bounderies...
The old me loved, because I wanted to be loved back...
This me loves, because she can't help it..
And just struggles not to let where her heart goes, burn her.
I know...and have seen...people loving in peace..loving me..friends mostly..
But because I have seen this, I know what love is supposed to be..
So as I withdrawal from where my heart has taken me..
I hold this space..
Asking for healing, contentment..
Solace...
Not wanting to ever be loved as They have loved me,
Ever again.
I don't understand, how one can not, will not hold the hand of the molested, neglected, pure heart framed that I have been and am...
The abused, rejected, loving innocence that through all that, still remains and stands...
As if they do not understand the heart it takes to get back up and rise from each partaking...rubbing away tears and hate, disdain and pain,
Mustering up innocence and love again,
Courageously coaching self to not stop being generous...
To not stop believing in love..
To not stop having faith,
That yes, she, this prisoner escaped time and time again,
Can one day truly be free as she courageously believes,
In her own miracles...

I know,
They are not me.
Will never know what it is to be taken of, and taken again,
And to arise back up,
Still pure, still true, still courageously strong to endure and subdue pressing hates...
Rather to transmute them, and display a Leader's sake...

And I
Am truly
That leader.
Processing those molestations I purposely erased...
Processing verbal, emotional rapes..
Processing the pain for the loves I've taken on...
But never being able to heal them,
Where they will not confront their own deepest darkest repressed forlorns...

It is true.
I am a girl who arises..
Time and time again,
Shedding the skin,
Of the places my heart has gone,
And the people who have used it as a muse until no-more they could take..
And then me..
Mustering up that faith again, to be on my way...
Ever alone in a way..
And yet I know also,
Never
Alone at all.

I wish compassion
In their hearts...
But how can I expect them to see me, acknowledge the great heights it's taken,
When they run from their own feats...
And therefore,
Their own victories...

For as I learn today..
The peace and the pain,
Ever hand in hand,
As both WITHIN remain,

And it is only WITHIN that one can gain,
Any
True sense of self...

But how can we if we keep running away,
And how can we honor other's courage
If we can't truly comprehend
What that takes?

No...
They do not know
What it takes...
To not hate...
Molestation, abuse,
How relationships will rape and bleed you...
And for me to thru all that, still see you..
Forgive you,
As I clean up your mess in me...
And you still venture off unseen..
No...
You will may never know, what it takes
To forgive and still love in the face,
Of having perpetrator after perpetrator bleed you.

I am waiting for my knight...
Attempting now, to be that for me...
Attempting to still hold the faith,
That someone as sweet, loving, lending,
Will in just that way, one day, cherish me...

No more taking,
Yelling,
Blaming,
Hurting,
Fighting,
Combating..

Just peace.

I am that innocent girl, still wishing for the perfect childhood...
She is still in me...

Yet I take her naivety,
Transmuting into faith...

For dwelling in wishing the past didnt take place..
Is no help, no help..

But rather, today, having that strength of faith,
That heart to pass...

I just want peace. Laughs. Good friends. Amazing family. Healing, to be reborn again for all of us...

And I will seek this to become.
My faith strong.
My love stronger.
My heart, the strongest...

Unbreakable...

No matter how
They've tried!

I know what they've done,
Is due to their own deep undone's...

Not truly a reflection of me...

So I take this heart of strength, and forgive again..
Just this time,
No longer willing to bleed.

Wishing them peace. Integrity. Honesty. Strength.
Wishing them the courage to heal and face.
Wishing them love, and the perfect relationship that perhaps, I couldn't be...
Wishing them peace...
And claiming that peace,
In me!

And so it is.
And so it will be.
Namaste.
Namaste.
From the deepest piece in me.

Tearing Fate

"Do not give them the satisfaction of knowing you're disappointed"
- But...I am
"Do not feel sorry for leaving them"
- But... I do
"Do not apologize where they have hardly managed to for you"
- I apologize because I do not like being forced into a decision...I never wanted to make.
"Stand strong"
- But is it fake?
"Hold Fast"
- How long will it last?
"Just let go"
- But..I don't want to
"Just let go"
- ...okay

...okay..

Very Real War

Scraped,
Bruised,
And it's not that I want to call you guys vultures,
But aren't you?
Because I can't fathom...
I just can not comprehend,
A mind that takes,
In full action of offenses pertained;
For a carcass bleeding in your world
Seems to be a good thing.

I don't know,
How one can take the sky so blue, and puff poison into ecosystems,
Painting it black...
Much like my love so true,
Ego, the chemical: wrath.

Hurting a little..
Head hung low..
Let go of not one, nor two, but three...
Two, the heart of me...
Boundaries, Boundaries,
Overstepping fate.
Playing to the death of me, with no human taste..
For if it is not a heart that suffocates,
It is a mind that bleeds..
When I let Heathen,
Steal in
The Best of me.

If I don't remind myself,
Of how they painted my blue sky black,
I will let them come in,
And seize my home,
Painting the rest without tact.

Can not argue with shadow...
It will always twist, enough to evade,
And even worse,
Ever so Clever
At the Art of Scorning in Blame.

No,
I can not ask the demon's
To hold true to my light...
Where as once a war,
Still once more,
It is a war lost, as they forget to fight..

For in Ego's battle,
Ego's won,
Discerning wrongly which side's right...
Is truth so hard a precious value,
That we really can't see it's sight?

I amend my fate,
where failed they've to partake..
Letting go,
A weary soul,
And two,
And three,
To shake.

I can not hold this heart of light out,
It singing it White Light Ablaze..
Holding it up, to demon's face,
And expecting it to catch their gaze..

For might as well be,
As just it shows,
Invisible for all else sake..
It is like I never held it up,
As just now,
I return it
to it's place..

I will let it glow,
In the depth of me,
It's light to come bright through my eyes..
And perhaps a day,
Will come when they,
These demon's have the eyes for Light.

Desert Ablaze

Trail-blazing...
I live under the stars,
And gasp my breaths..
My body laying horizontal to the Earth's Horizon...
As She sweeps over me,
And grazes...
Coddles me to rains of light,
As dancing stars..bluest night..
And this is where we all are..
Here,
In me,
As I lay
My naked body, the Earth's newborn..
Adolescence fairing away,
As my integrity covers the parts
That no man can take...
But my sweet Mother Earth.
My innocence, reborn.
I stem
As a seed of the Earth..
Legs, and bare..
Something there..
Arises...
Pushing her up to meet
Life, Sun, perfect
Condition
For her to rise...
Fair..
And
Become.
I
Am a seed of the Earth, anew tonight,
Dancing starlights and reigns of Fire
As another seed broken through desert crust.
Naked body bare,
Laying there,
In the middle
Of nothing but clay dirt
An desert
And dancing stars
Initiating...

Bare New
Newly
Appeared..
She..
There,
Out of nowhere..
Birthed
Once more.