Hail Storm Halo

I was glad when you showed your colors; 

Needing an excuse was all.

It was always in my nature to love you...but it's true I have grown an armour I couldn't even have before; 

The restaurant industry would do that! 

Loving people like you, in consciousness...

Would do that! 

They succeeded magnanimously! 

I see now, what a fool I had been. 

Your brother treating me better in 3 meager days what I had given you years for. 

He never called though...

Even for a great date, I wouldn't expect him to. 

I didn't mean to. 

But you were so mean. 

And I guess, I decided...

So could I be. 

Besides...

You straight up said you don't want me. 

So...

I let you not have me, and shared myself instead. 

Mostly because I loved you, with Haunt. 

In insane love only, did my actions make sense. 

It is one or two years later..

And him with me- 

Not about you. 

But I thought about you, didn't i? 

Reflection. 

And words like sociopath, counteract drunken I Love you's and "never returned". 

Your birthday passed. 

And although I am glad we are not together, I know our Kharma burns. 

You treat me like I'm trash, 

So I let myself be trash to you, 

While I adorn myself in Goddess amulets, and allow the distant worship of far away men. 

In reality, 

I leave you all behind and focus anew. 

Love, 

Is love, 

And there are certain things it wouldn't do...

So u forgive you...

But I will not forget how you have met me. Without asking why I looked like I was dying, while I was going on, 

Living for you. 

But I am glad I see your smokey tongues, and gel, like tar, as words that stick without thought. I deserve to be loved, the way I love. And while I was willing to be consumed by you...I have laid her down- the teenage lost soul, that would sell any part of herself for a little need. 

Love is scarce. I accept that! 

Knowing, it is on me, to create. Spread. And find. 

She had been a crazy hail storm, and I'm just trying to aquaint myself better this time! 

The Brick Road

The Life I had set out to lead; 

Instead she had led me. 

Meanings I'd chosen to place words to, now only know words as their meanings.

I loved a great many times, 

But it was man I loved, 

Intertwined with his divinity;

And divinity cracks. 

And we are pools, and puddles, but rarely solid rock. 

I...

Take a step back. 

I...

Thought I knew what it was to love, 

Until I allowed so much to be stripped of me. My social niceties slipped away like robes. My Baren womb, I'd cover up, wilting to the dreams our generations were fed. 

Children are starving, 

And I would be feeling our hunger pains in the plains of my back, 

And the vallys of my gut...

Corporations eat our disease as the money that pays for their breakfast. 

I had been told, 

My whole life...

How much I mattered. 

And how much I didn't. 

Which do you think I was inclined to believe? How long have both beliefs been battlting over sovereignty in me? 

When I pulled back a mirror today, 

I saw myself in your place. 

I had believed you...could...maybe...be...

The...

But...

Then the fear pulled curtains back, or placed them cleverly, 

And I can not tell, 

If merely, 

It could be as easy, 

As letting you from me. 

Who is he? Your friend you love? 

And who are we? 

My shrinking stature, 

Has drunken, Alice's juice, 

And you, 

And you, 

May as well be the Walrus to my Oyster. 

It is only belief that would suggest you will not hurt me. 

Turn me. 

Eat me. 

And swallow whole, with shallow regard. 

He did that to me; God...through the arms of men, 

And women, 

Like Hells reaching claws. 

What will you need and how long will you make me bend? What will you NOT give in return, 

As I attempt to Love myself, so much, it means letting no man love me? 

Even if...

The magic spells, like serendipity...

Life has taught me a great many things...

Most of them requiring so much time to gather the words that will only contradict themselves, as they sing harmonies of truth singularities, 

Making up stacked points, 

Like dimensions.

And time. 

And this moment now. 

And everything that wiw think was lost, how it can never be. 

I am used to loving. 

Letting in to love me...

Is where I hide my face so tears freefall the quickest to dry. 

I can love you vastly...

But it is not out of greed. 

Otherwise I wouldn't be so lonely, 

Loving, 

On a one-sided street. 

The Shakes

When she gets a day off, she doesn't know what to do with it; angst com-Pounding 

In her gut...

And erupt, 

Until all Melts down- 

Cools again. 

Once the ego subsides, 

She notices her hands shaking, assuming it's from the 

Coffee and excedrin, 

Coffee and excedrin, 

Coffee and excedrin, 

That riddles her heart and mind. 

Headaches undo her, 

As if she has always been broken, 

Though we know I am not. 

Or I am. 

Or I am not...

But, when, if, and...

Life goes on, days go on...

And we find strength in each other 

If we can focus more on just that. 

I am not broken, 

Though I have been broken, 

Over, and over, 

As if to disassemble me, only to find the one, that lay underneath, 

A now rumbled location. 

Clearing, 

Clearing, 

Debris, with breeze, and motion, 

And life, and dance, 

And love, 

And 

  Letting go. 

Of everything we've thought to have known. 

My hands tremble and I watch them. 

Life has shown me a path, and I have taken it, 

Heeding now..

Whatever it is, that path should be. 

Fear. Love. 

Balance, like conservatism, like health. 

Martyrdom...rested some days. 

Somedays, the very vein of all I do become, and sometimes, 

Love takes over me. 

This is life. 

We sacrifice. 

And Hell, is this our Hell? We we ever be able to tell, 

What doth indeed, lie beyond; Propoganda-less. 

What of God? 

As simply, I look now at Billboards as if they are implanted programs. 

I stop. 

I see. 

The headaches come. 

I rest. 

Repeat. 

I adjust. 

And create defeat through love. 

Balance. 

Peace. 

Harmony. 

And not forgetting to take any of it too seriously...

Because already, 

There will be too many days, 

That simply, I will. 

Life's Breath

Night turns, 

In one moment, 

As looks confess everything, 

And I just wish I was home, 

Being loved. 

Instead, 

I watch my surroundings; living...

And watching the living, sinning; is that not, I swear, what we do best? 

I have vowed, never to love 

As a mess again, 

Yet is it not the way I love? 

And do I simply calm all calamity in me revolved around, 

To understand Love, 

At it's secret distance? 

Because respect and love seem to go the most hand in hand, so I wait, patient now. 

Or so trying; aren't we all? 

I find my self at a 3am Dine-in. 

Escaping what I walk away from, and revelations constantly. 

I am afraid of loving someone 

Who will only be so into me. 

Who will lie. 

Who will abuse. 

Or neglect and remain distant. 

And any, and all, 

Of the above. 

You see...She...made me wait. Charmed me into hypnosis, a snake. 

Beautiful. Alluring. Alarming. Quick. 

And then there was Atom. Who lied, defacing good man's stride to what I felt I could trust at the time.

And Mr. Texas. Only sweet enough to "get this" but never called...

...no he refused to call...after months, of us playing, his game. 

You think I need another name? Another "pretend me" all the way, 'til I have nothing left in me anymore?

I do not want to love you, 

Simply because I do, 

Whoever it is, that you actually are. 

Who ever it is, 

That you actually are. 

You see, loving you, 

Will only cause in me, anguish and wait. 

Like it always has. 

I have waited for you since the day we met, 

And since them given up. 

You do not need me, when I will most certainly need you. 

You will need your space, when I will need to be understood. 

Held. 

Loved. 

Yet you being here, 

Primes me for disaster. 

I can not imagine that you will ever love me, the way that I could love you...

Yet still, I can not be apart of a world 

That holds no jewels...

Or can I...

Just to feel loved? 

I would die, only to be deceived. 

And that is why you intrege me. 

To the depths of perpetuating any securities I previously had...

and straight to the beliefs that you would never love, 

A creature like me.

See...

Creatures like me, burn and ache...

But always on our own.

Because it is not in many any a man, to battle with us, 

What we take on. 

Sure, you wear that armour, but your vulnerabilities deep- a place I'd like to be, but would you love me there? 

Could you? 

Silly thing. 

Silly thing . 

Silly thing...

The Unsaid Writ

When you opened the door

I had been telling myself I wasn't ready

I had waited a long

And waded

Assuming the worst

And living the worst

In all the time, before and after

That we would meet. 

You have been, a face in my air, 

A rhythm in my beat...

And while yes, I have many, 

There was never a time, 

I didn't breathe you. 

You. 

And only you. 

Far away, 

As the piano bends and sways, 

I listen and find floating revelations 

In the transcendence- 

No longer what was...

I await to walk through, 

And declare....

That my wretchedness, simply melts away, 

Into the twilligjt evening, and the dancing stars...

And the far away things, 

That have always been ours...

If we but just see, 

And let THAT BE. 

In cinder, 

I cry, dis-shoveled, shaken, 

Trying to quickly shrug off 

The imbalances that had already taken. 

We breathe. Beat. Hand to chest, your bare there, and I let you see me. Afraid and all. Streaming. 

Afraid and all. Dancing. Keys. 

And ready....

For when you say no, to flee. 

Pretending I am not broken. 

But the beauty always entices me...

Right on back, to enrichment, 

Like a fairy beholden some cosmic magic, 

I am a moth to the light. Curious. Reborn once more. 

    Still human. 

And that is where the pain will always remain and pull me away. 

Still human, alas. 

A blessing and Majesty 

With Travesty inevitably built in. 

It has been the thing we run from of generations, 

And it has also been the porcelain layer of our ages, 

In women's hearts and faces...

In man's emotions and nuances...

To love thee. 

...to love 

       Thee. 

And never to put, that part of our face down. To deny thee. To deny me. 

Would Mean to put my love for you down. 

And while I don't want to love so much, 

I do, 

Too much. 

That is my lot. 

And you had caught my eye, so very long ago. First time, and all. 

And again. 

And again. 

And yet...

Again....

Howls of the Forest

I long to begin to scream out,
at the epidamy and beyond of my lung capacity..
at the breaking points
being hit
too many times
and again.

I can't tell if I am in a becoming
or dying,
or a "find yourself all over again,

as my wings tremble,
and I make like I am alive..

because I am.

As the world actualizes around me,
and this little gutter rat grows up, watching the world change...

after a while, realizing it didnt change, so much asit was always a trap...
and education...
just the illusion of something.

I will tell you what is tangible though...
Hopes.
And dreams.

They are tangible because you can feel them INSIDE YOU,
underneathe
just beneathe,
the surface of everything

you will ever do.

As I approach my brigde...
I observe a worn and tattered persevearing limp.
I still have my eyes, legs, hands and feet-

They have not killed
me yet.

The hope of something big...like comfort..
or safety...
and love...

They die often, but always transmute back into itself.
When I collapse...

I collapse into Love...
Into everything it has taken for me to get here...

At this marker on my journey..
Where no way, is yet shown,
and yet still,
I have been summoned to wait.

Screaming would free, like tribal howls,
the damage I have stumbled upon...
across the earth..

and within the universe that is me.

I am pieces of who I used to be, when I was strong.
Remnants lost so many generations ago.
My knees are weakening, and chest breaking....heaves, from the screaming of my soul

to just "please let me go; please!!
let me go!"

I am a prisoner.
Unlovable in my own detainment...
As i tiptoe through bacteria and simply shade out the existane of the Demons.

Did you know,
I...

Love..

But I can't see his face.

and it scares me, as much as falling in love,
the beaten path,
of a beaten woman...
and an ignorant bunch around to the sacrifice she always bore to example by leadership;

we were always a gluttonous race; 

 a gluttonous race... 

And maybe I'm too Gluttonous for your perfection. Or maybe, that is simply what's fake. 

What is not fake, is the bruises. Or lack of calls. Or crying. Or the lying, that you had nothing to do with...

And neither do I want you to. 

But the world is twisted and I have never been a girl unburned. 

You will burn me to be selfish, because that is what I have been taught men do. 

And I will continue to die a slow death, 

As I have been taught too. 

And together, I may never know your love, but instead a distant memory. 

And I will be strong. 

Because I have to. 

On the Mountain

I am not perfect

Ever between worlds. 

I have washed my hands in the many black sins, liquids that eat and tear down our minds. 

I am scared and coping inexhaustibly 

As words sink in; 

I'm running from a gas already caught me. 

Delicate and frayed, is there any way I can be loved without indeed martyring myself? My ears ring. 

My heart gets wet and tears leak, dot .. 

  Drip. 

Inexaustably weak, 

I must stand on my own two feet, compounded chest caving, and that girl rising the best she can, has been taught, 

She will never be loved, the way she had deserved; 

And so, as youth dies with me, in me, as me, my bloodied death, a body 

As my inner child weeps, for a last time on her knees. 

This child does not know the mommy to whom she dies against, for they are incarnate souls...

And they didn't have a chance to fully re-connect. 

Her mother will always be more brilliant in her 5 year old eyes, 

Than the teenager in her, ever knew she'd be. 

I stand now. 

At the Rubicon. 

In me, is indeed the deathly hollow, of such the fate, that is before us now; 

So and so much, 

Is at Hand. 

I would fall in love, and watch the world topple if I knew it would bring me peace. 

The same I would fight til I die, if it meant peace for another. 

The notion of Sacrifice is a Long-Human wound; it is both, still prevalent, and one of many archetypical seasons of the tarot, which reflect the many passages of life, and "initiation" cycles. 

I tremble. Nerves a little rigid. Can't escape fast enough from the crumbling away of society, 

As I keep watch, 

And wait to ring the bell. 

Home-stress' Shaking Joints

She couldn't have meant much; you never called. 

The men in our generation, too busy falling, 

To help a tired young woman up. 

Who am I, 

But nothing? 

a festering silence, 

Unheard. 

Ears perched, 

Heart hurt. 

Eyes, around. 

My dirty hands, continue hauling. 

My worn out chest; 

I am tired of showing you my mess. 

Tired of attempting to love ever again. 

So intrinsically sad, from the years already spent. 

From the lies and the hands, and please, by all means, 

Use me, but don't love me, 

Said no woman ever. 

Save the world

No more than I can save the wretched oozing pieces of me left, 

That even should they remain lovable, who then could qualify, I ask myself that...

Unable to comprehend, already forfeited...secretly hoping...

The next game, 

Will yield. 

Yield. 

Yield. 

Fawn of Innocence

Please, Dear Child..

Find me a heavenly ground! 

My spirit is forsaken, with the stricken of what is to come, while I alone, am merely, 

The Watchman. 

There are many of my kind. 

I hide, 

In your delight so; 

The reminder of the sweet things I may have today, and tomorrow, 

But likely there will be a time, those things will come to pass. 

Maybe even, I may live long enough, to see their return. 

I stay hidden, 

In the fine essence of the meadows, 

Where my soul will always know life once more. 

Around the Nazi Camps arise, 

But I will forever sing the songs of my people, in my heart, as I go on. 

We wash. 

And wash over...

And I come to somehow once more. 

I am lying on the floor 

Unstricken with blows. 

There is sanity, 

And safety, 

In you here, Dear. 

In you here, Deer. 

The Far Away, Beat of Life

I stand, they peel. 

Peel away. 

My layers fall, and open- ignite. 

Music starts up as I feel a soft presence against my cheek; gentle lips, sweep. 

The stars rise up from the ground all around me, like firefly's... 

And all of the sudden, 

In goes: the dance is the universe around me. 

Music sweeps up....taking me in dreams to all that is awake within me. 

Day Lullabies. 

The universe is weeping and dancing 

All in one sweet, ever changing melody and drum beat. 

And sometimes, she comes to the calmest of calms; the kind right before the night sleeps only to awake to mountains ruptured like Dragons and bombs; 

One night 

Can change so much. 

Like Love and Psalms. 

Like death, and loss. 

Like the notion of a dream, or miraculous creativity. 

Steady though lay ever present, 

The music surround. 

As it dances the star's like fairys

As I fly afar, and stay. 

I am here.

Where they see me. 

But still miles and veils, 

So sound away. 

Slowly Losing Grip

When it might as well, 

Have not meant anything. 

I hear your voice, lulling me. 

You took me in, promising. 

Promising it would or wouldn't mean anything...

Refusing to tell me when...

When it would. 

When it wouldn't. 

Until I asked; until I stopped NOT wanting to know. 

You gave me chills, and now your memory, distant and cold. 

Lost out their in a wonderland. 

I feel you..

But I am not so sure you will ever feel me...

Quite like that. 

Miss you even- a good best friend...

Til I realized it might have meant nothing to you. 

I wouldn't know. 

And I couldn't. 

You never wanted to love me like that-

Won't. 

But you were a sweet growth..

A moment for me, 

Til I realized I was watering something that simply doesn't need that much. 

Over emphasized. 

Lost. 

You float in the cosmos...

And I kiss your hand slowly, 

And say goodbye. 

You may never know, 

What I had in my heart for you. 

And these tears hit my palms, 

I watch myself spill them for you- 

Barely glanced my way. 

Barely a person in my own right, 

Accept for a body in your night- 

My heart sinks. 

That, 

Was the one hard thing to accept. 

In all my giving, I'd started to see...

I was the only one. 

So I said a bittersweet goodbye, 

Before you came and swept me away, 

For one last sting. 

You will never know, all I saw in you. 

And I will never know, how you could have loved me...

Though I had longed to. 

Merely...

Merely, 

A ghost, now. 

We are only memories. 

And you choose

What you choose...

To hang to, 

Just as I do. 

I actually miss you. 

I always did, once I'd walk away; 

Once that would proceed not hearing from you. 

But life stings, as she always does, and I wipe away my tears, as I shove down the let-down 

From yet another "friend". 

"Heh", I roll my eyes to myself- "friend". 

That's a word, 

That I wished 

Had more meaning

In today's world. 

I loved you. 

It really hurt, 

You chose this. 

And now we choose this, 

Together. 

Never. 

Ever. 

You have become the night sky's; 

Never supposed to be mine. 

Teenager Again

Tuning out 

The voice of my mother, 

The face of ignorance placed in front of me, full lifetime's worth 

Of ignorance, 

I Begin to bob my head, 

Feeling the freedom 

That the smoke inhalation rests in me

As I breathe out, 

And listen beneath the headphones...

Her lips move. 

My head bobs, eyes observing the different silence; her silence..

Lips move. 

I move, 

Relaxing down 

To the chillax beat, 

Resting me; 

She stresses me

Illogical 

Illogical 

Fallacy 

I can not teach this one; 

I need a break- 

I'm learning I need a break. 

She doesn't stop talking, 

So I found my headphones. 

Doesn't stop antagonizing, 

So I found a miracle for getaway. 

A walk away. 

Can't stand her for too long. 

Something gone, and long gone. 

I suppose, reading this, could make it seem like I am the cold one. 

But it has been breathed into me, with her, 

Competitive aweful air, chasing me down in dreaming shadows forsaken.

My mother always had a way of taking without me quite being able to put words to it. I'd like to say She doesn't mean to; 

But sometimes, it's almost certain that she does. 

Like a child. 

I was wild. And free. 

And although she didn't mean to, 

I felt she's always sought to chain me. 

She doesn't mean to. 

But then I look around, 

At the sick state of affairs; 

The animals, 

The wretched plight of those tried to live in this house; 

We are enduring, 

But far from functional. 

I made it out. 

But it is sad what it is here. 

Not for her, but for us; them; 

Her kids- kitties- kittens. 

-the dogs. 

And me. 

Somehow I made it out alive...

Still somewhere in between though. 

I've got fight...

With many under treated blows. 

Cloud Change

My skin tingles. 

I let it take over, as the feeling arises

And the memories come from the unstill morning, and sun's rise..

And I wonder still, 

If you could ever love me...

The way you loved her? 

Could you even love me more? 

And will you, I wonder? 

The clouds move; they come and go; 

And change. 

And change some more...

It was somewhere here, 

Where I

Met you. 

It was somewhere here, where I found...

Found, I loved you. 

There was a shy gaze, 

A stare she'd glance through...

It was somewhere in all of this, that I watched you; held back...with calm. 

Calm. 

I know, Babe...

That the world we walk in...

Is one cruel. 

Maybe you don't need me. 

Maybe you do. 

I know, that how I must see myself, is 10x lesser than perhaps you do..

As I sway gently to watch my own tides, like fear, and love, excitement and the deepest doubt, thrust and rush, then find peaceful bends...

Peaceful bends...

And THAT...

Is where I, 

Still found you. 

I sway. 

I sway...

Believing you will fade and go away. 

I sway...

But I do not want you to leave. 

What you have impressed upon me, like my own gentle shadow- 

A mirror between our nights of telling and spilling forth, before we find silence, in pretzeling bodies. 

Today I missed you differently. 

I missed the man, 

I may very well be falling in love with. 

But I did not NEED you. 

And it made me hope, 

That you will not sway away...

Away...

From this changing in the clouds 

Between me and you...

You. 

Reluctant to declare my love for another, I hear my heart singing. Feel the wings I once had upon my feet, and I am light again- easy. 

And although I do not want you to leave me, it is not fear that binds my heart. 

I think what we have between our masses is art:

Our dialogue, their own burning candles into the night. 

Our shadows dancing, and our bodies giving... And our hearts receiving...

And it has been somewhere here, 

Between all of these clouds changing so, to our highrise...

Was it not there you met me also?

Was it not there you met me also..., 

When indeed...

I did call for you? 

 You.

You. 

And it is there.. 

Here, inside you...

Where I am simply..

Loving...

What you have allowed to spill over. 

And I sway...and watch the clouds change...

And it makes me uneasy...

But somehow you help me to feel 

That it's okay. 

And I like that about you; 

Like yesterday; 

Like never too far away...

As I wonder, 

And still sway, 

Watching these 

Clouds change.