Casting Runes

Today, as many days lately...off. Not quite what I'm used to when I'm in my flow.
Thing of it is, I feel the need to just let it out! All the truth! Said my way! No-one else to have a say over MY WORD! Not an opinion, or judgement! Not any piece of advice or direction to go in!
Encountered lately: so many opinions of what I should and shouldn't do! For God's sake, would u people just listen for once!?!
Truth: I miss him. Can't stop thinking about him! And I know it is nothing short of foolish!
Realization: I fucking loved her! I mean truly, I gave her the best of everything I had to give! And the DAMNED truth is that at the end of that 2 & a half year DAY, I have (barely) ever felt so worn, tattered and betrayed! And worse, I see how much guilt and blame comes up against my own self at allowing me to be loved that way!
Truth: my stepmother really did tell me I was alone when I was verging suicidal.
Truth: my dad really hasn't been there for me mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually the way he portrays. And I've been afraid to get mad at him, because he is my only sane parent! But looking, seeing, my mother is still here for me in ways he just is not, and has never cared to be...which honestly, talk about a surprising revelation!
True: I am livid right now! Livid at the abuse, at the use, at the non-chalance.
Not believing I could love somebody mind, body, soul, only for them to drink me up dry, steal away my life-force and leave me as good as dead, but not before kicking me one more time! Or two, or three...
Truth: this is what loving kyra did to me!
I could have sworn my heart had been ripped right out in the midst of panic attacks she provoked! And I was ready to die amongst her cruelty , and twisted mind that fucked mine solely, just up!
Kyra tought me that a good dog deserves any abuse rendered. Unprovoked- unwarranted!
And now the b!tch acts like I am psycho cuz I'm finally mad about it???
At least I can snap out of my mind warp...at least I can be honest even over the ugliest things:
Truth: I have been a victim! Was raised a victim! So what?! I'm growing out of it, so bite me! And yes, when you use that word, it enrages me! Because no being deserves to have their dirtiest laundry shoved in their face!
Truth: I'm fucking sad!
I truly don't understand the faul heart of humanity in matters of love especially. I truly can not comprehend how SHE could be so cruel against every patient moment I took her verbal abuse, or passive punishment, or controlling hands on me so I could not move or walk away, but rather, she'd force me to take it! Until I clawed my way out that is--learning to fight and hit back.
Truth: I am disheartened. I just wanna be a girl to love. After everything, you'd think that wasn't the most I could ask...but I know some of us are dealt our Hand of fate, and up until now, being loved as I love, NOT YET in my cards; not now. Perhaps soon.
Truth: I hate her! I'm pretty mad at my mom! Pretty livid with my dad! Pretty pissed in general! I felt like a boy today, so rare, in the need for blood and beating! I judged myself for feeling this way, but goddamn, do I know the b!tch deserves it!
Truth: I made a mistake I think! and now I don't really know, cuz he's pulled away..
Truth: I realized today, I have spent my entire life, being a martyr. In career! In love! In relationships! In my victimization, low self worth, and humanitarian passion... All however, sacrificing me: my own peace, my own happiness, my own salvation...and the scary part...I'm afraid I can't stop it, but holding faith.
Truth: I think I actually like him.
Truth: you can't rely on anybody but yourself!
Truth: Everybody will let you down, if you let them.
Key: Expect they will, and they just might surprise you!
Judgement: I am a stupid, foolish girl, deserving of all the struggle and bad shit no matter how purely I give and steady love!
Truth: I hate myself now, probably as a reflection and mirror of how much I hate them!
But you know...I am actually at peace...processing...for now.
Soon I will have to RE-PROGRAM this shit, so I don't get stuck and caught in it, any longer than I have been!
Agenda: I need to clear all my martyrdom pictures!
My say: "fuck you for pretending to be things you are not"
That's for everybody I hate right now!
That's for the world, and it's indiscipline! For the pain, and its inexcusable claim to linger, sustain, carry...I am still genuinely so surprised, so much pain, exists in the world today: pain of self, pain of circumstance, pain as the many and crazy forms of love, loss, grief, abuse, solitude, unworthiness, detriment, punishment...I mean literally, this is the second time I've spoken with her in the last month + and both times, I am like a fried hair ball! Seriously stunned, as if stoned and gone far away...a deer in the headlights...just, shock...and awe, and then there's the thought! The non-understanding, of how much pain, how many fucked up things we occur and do to eachother... There's also just the literal stunned shock, that any of these crazy mean people, are real? Like really?! I really don't even know how to digest that it's real? That love, and the promise of marriage, has twice turned into abuse for me. That these people that could be so one faced and perfect, had a whole other side, like hiding a murderer in their attic.
Truth: now...I'm just taking it and making it a day at a time.
Good news: I am finally feeling fine about my rage, my vulnerability, who I am being even if misunderstood. I am finally re-defining and coming to terms with this crazy ending, this new beginning, and me stuck, still navigating between!
Bad news: I'm weak. enraged. Full of hate and livid, which is not where I want to be..not really...
I am happy on my Sunday afternoon
Happy in my peace with no one asking me to be somebody else...
Because the truth: is I REALLY do love me! I really do! And I am so goddamn proud of myself considering.
And I have been loved, and only after asked, demanded, and commanded to change...
But I like me, as I am...
And knowing others do too...to the point of life altering gratitude, I don't understand, why I have settled being loved by somebody with not the sight to see The Light...
In me, in life...
To really see it the way it is.
Truth: I just want to be a girl to be loved!
Truth: I am not afraid! I know I will get this someday- along with many of my other dreams and visions coming true!
Truth: I just have to keep going strong.
Truth: I have to let her actions and ugly words, just go...but I don't know if I'm quite there yet...but I need to be. So I guess I will be soon!
Truth: I get so tired of holding all this in...and I just need an audience...and I just need an outlet...and for the RIGHT love, I am, definitely willing to wait.../ play :)...
And so it is...everything I wanted to say, and finally, just fucking did!
(Truth:) "everything" for NOW anyways l

Tigers

Tears & years escape her face
She silently hides away
Wipes the use
From its place.

She puts on a strong facade
To embargo Honor
Amongst thieves,
Too many moments
Eyes open in her sleep...
Ready anytime
For the knife...
Ready anytime,
For her use to have exceeded
It's stay...

Playing a game for honor
Only to conclude
None stay where she lay.

Goddess DrumBeat

I wanna walk wildly in the terrain
Bare, naked
Feet free
To run
Into the unknown,
And breathe it, feel it,
Dance it.

Put the reigns in my grasp,
And let me slap them
That this world delivers
At my feet.

There is no reason,
An animal such as I,
Should ever be beat...

So let me beat instead for the all of humanity
As one foot pounds
And the ground trembles-
As the other foot sounds
And hearts begin to shake and
Beat, beat, beat
To the drum
Of Goddess Feet!

The Earth trembles beneath me;
A collaboration
Between worlds...
And she steals me, sets me free
In her vital energy
As I run
And pick up pace!

The face
Of her
Carries in me...
Like Goddess drumbeat
And everything, everywoman
Has never managed to shake off:
Her Own
Internal
Power,
Ever present, ever thine-
A niche that never a war
Has been won over...
A suppressed beast,
That has indeed only grown more ravenous with time!
She whisps in me
Like catching winds
Ever to carry my spirit free
From this plane.

Speaks to me in gentle hymns
As guitars sing the lullaby's
Of my pain,
She grazes my skin sincerely
Giving me strength again,
And now I Rize, Rize, Rize
From the fire in between
Fanning the smoke of ash and flame
And ushering in
A New Tribal Sound!
Drumbeat!
Crowd!
Tribal Seed.
Ushering in
A new sound.
A new race!
Goddess Breed!
Tribal Seed.
Goddess feet!
Beat!

Your Road

I will touch and caress your face,
Before saying goodbye-
Give you the honor
You have long since believed
Was dirtied and unworthy
Of the love you seek.
I see you,
As a tear escapes your eye;
As you turn your back to me,
I understand why.

The road
As I look in the distance
Holds hope
Like an oil painting of some mystery
Captured in the mind's imagination.
Your road,
Away from me...
Your road,
A little more bleak..
Only because it's not what I want to see..
But seems to be the have to
Amongst our affair.

It is like me
To swoop in,
And try to save...
It is like me to capitulate
Evening gaze of soul
Accidentally untold
Until a moment too late.
And now,
I see I have to rescind
What I have given...
Though no, I never will..

But for you,
I see the need,
To turn
And take my road.
To turn and leave you, sorry,
I took anything at all.
Hoping,
Knowing
That on your road,
You'll
Have it all.
-An evening gaze...
Something I give up to you now,
Contain it to this small shell,
And hand it back over to you.
Once upon a time...
You and I...
And that is all it will ever be...
Because I see;
I know and see fate...
When it's signed over
On it's deals...

This one,
We
Got cut out on..
This one
Ever to remain
In the secret sunder
Of something
Never again.
And never again
To be gained.

Take my shell,
Toss it away.
Keep it.
Hide it.
Light it...
But take my shell,
As I follow this road...
And bid you
Farewell...
Not without first,
Caressing that face,
And taking that last gaze,
Before I turn away.
My Caress for all the things
I will never get to say...

Your road awaits...

Underneath It All

Cigarette smoke
Consumes the house
Of my soul...
Things long lost,
In the choices we bare.
And I'm beginning to see
I just need many nights
Of fresh air.

All, as me

Songs displayed. Mornings lost...
In a good way.

Folding under the tides of blankets
I am kept safe here
Between my God and the rain.

Seeping gently
In the flood
Of channeled waters,
Emotions flowing like outlets,
As a stream trailing the vein of humanity.
My guitar sings my soul
As I reverberate it back-
The talk, a whisper of souls soothing...
An enhancement of strings' harmonies
Setting sunsets in motions
To their very arrival.

The reds ablaze the sky
Carry the torch of Pele's Love, her wrath,
And the death from all days...

But the pink's soothe.
As if carrying the 'winds of change'.

The ocean crashes
In distances away,
But I hear it on my heart,
The melody in my head,
Not far from home at all..

Rather,
Right here. In and as me. The rains sweeping my soul and dancing me as the flight of the winds
that I long to feel again.

As me.

The Footsteps of God

Where does the time fade into?
Rolling hills, engazed enrichments
Lose me
In time,
Scare me
Into what's losable...
Jolt me awake.
Shake.
Like an Earth Quake's racy fate,
Any state,
Any mind,
Any time,
Any day gone!
Never a day for certain!
Time,
Some meshed basket woven,
And I can't figure out if it would be perfect an image, or rather
Off, odd, lopsided.
Confused.
Twisted inside...
Like my entrails
Collaborating as an outside force
To twist me closed.
I know it is a sick attack
On me...
By darkness..
But I want to believe this darkness is me
So as to dispel
Any illusion or threat.
But it is all beyond my reach to say for sure...
I just know what I believe.
That too, sometimes
A little foggy...
When you live yourself
Trying to trace
The footsteps of God...

The Storm & the Boat: The Merciless Sea & me

Writing classics in my thought
Detailing like boats to an ardent sea
Striding, calculating, hating
Every thought on the projection screen!
Seeing so much, always being so much
Sometimes more than I want to be-
Ranting, ravaging like tail wind storms
Heaving, breathless, desperate
Drowning in their hurricanes...

Earth,
A thick, heavy rain that sweeps you away
Man, a cloud we can not even try to forsake, for his thickness and density,
All your light will take!-
Except your inside...
Your exempt from God.
I am Man!

Sad, scared, lost, lonely
The little girl,
On that boat.

I am
All sides,
every twine
In this reel of vine-
This veil of rope
Told
Like a story on a projection sea:
"The Storm & The Boat"...
My subconscious & it's tote...
The little girl,
Somehow,
The key,
In all her uncertainty, and lack of guarantee
Some fragile humanity of hope
Placed in her
By the God she attributes it to.

Desperate and scared,
Not another tare,
Not another scar to a sail
That will barely hold atop!
Not another crossed, tattered drowning
No foot abreath
No hand to reach,
And only nature's merciless wits...
And God.
And that's all ya got!

Tails says she drowns today
Heads says she lives at sea...

Two tales.
Two stories.
Two Gods.
And there's no other side!

Tails she drowns.
Heads,
She lives.
Tails she drowns..
Heads she lives...
Tales.
Heads.

Backstreets & Romance

Baby,
Sweep me,
Of my,
Feet.
See me!
How I am merely a girl with soul,
And not a thing,
To be beat.
Sweep me,
Away
From the deserts here;
Do not be afraid!
Release me
Into you,
That we may take away,
Fly free from this place,
Embody and sweep...
Your life in me deep,
Your courage outlined by charm,
And how I,
Got to see you...
See you in time.
It's been a long time...

I hear the aroar of the beach calling you
Asundering your chaos and black
And giving you life again!
In me,
The whirlwinds extrude as your rebirth,
For I am of Earth,
And we are apparently as one,
As we always will be,
As we always
Have been.
I do not know how this goes,
Accept to speak of my truth that it shouldn't...
But I am not the teller of fate,
Nor the curse that would take it away,
Rather,
I am only here to listen,
However well or unwell,
I do it!

Gentle Familiarity

Familiarity,
Pour into me!
You have a sweet song & a gentle face.
You have a quiet demeanor as our embrace.
Soothe the hair away from my face,
And pull the blanket up over me.
I rest, here, for you now;
No where else to be.
I could die here,
Under you,
The comfort so calm and serene.
Could rest in peace in the subtlety
Of every playful sweet
Gesture, and attitude
Gaze and pull,
Longing and supporting,
Where here,
We are one again.
Just for now.
For now is a moment,
That always passes.

Reality by the throat

I've put down smoking it away...
Left to feel
It All.
Blood boiling,
Temper raging-
Shaking reality by the throat,
Hoping to snap some sense into that
Crazy B!tch!
But....
She just screams, afraid,
Unmoved,
And I have to implode, instead, and
March back to where I came from.
Reality unhampered,
Me dead,
Dying, crying,
Telling myself I will not be beat!
"Fuckkkk You", I scream,
"I will not be beat!"
But reality shows quite, frankly,
A different cause,
As I am immobilized in bed, and counting the days when I will force myself up again!
"I will rise" I cry,
Against this bleak depression
Against this deadening drift!
"I will rise again",
With my Angels, since it is not at the hands of the people I love!
"Fuck" those lies!
That's what they are!
How selfishness turns into my supposed opportunity,
Then fine!
I will accept my fate,
Of making up for this brutal lack of!
Accept this rediculous opportunity
Of doing the work for them!
Accept the ridiculousness of human beings!
Because it's either this or drown!
So fine!
You want me to be the big mature fucking adult! Then fine!
I will!
I'll do,
What you obviously can't!
Because its what I've been asked to do my whole life anyways!
So here's to us!
A big fat fucking toast,
To the work I will put into this relationship,
As you leave me high and dry!
Happy now?
Happy still?!
Good, I guess!
Cheers, to our bullshit!

The X Chronicles: Rated R

Fuck me
Like the poet you are..
Disgust me, in our luscious noir!
Tease me, play me, teach me
As you read me, scream me, feed me!
Your words tantalize and tease me
Of sweet sweat and soft heaving,
Of scraping fingers and hair weaving,
Of hips, and lips, and flesh
Seething...
You read me...
As my body moves, trembles under you-
Caressed
Relaxed in exhales
As I arch my back
Looking for anything to gain grasp
Of what you do for me!
Do to me,
An isn't it exciting?!
Living breaths in romantic sweaty nights
Between the unexpected sights
Of you & me...

Need My Reason

It is a quiet night..
People seem to be out of there homes more than usual, I notice, as I walk the neighborhood,
And see so many dark and un-occupied houses.
I massage the knots in my hand, and arms, and shoulders,
As I hope that the quisy feeling will dissipate with night air.
The pain makes me want to vomit,
And I turn over the lostness that wants to take over.
The smell of some perfect gourmet, from somebody's kitchen,
Envelopes my desires of wishing it was my beautiful home I am walking to;
Some kind of burgundy wine and red meat, perfectly prepared
Waiting on the table with the winning combination of a five-star side dish
Or two
And candles and flowers
To complete the mood.

Instead of walking into the home that would eat me,
I sit out here and smell, and dream,
And hope that the air still has a chance of relieving my pain!
Tonight is one of those nights, I would do anything for take-out..
But even then, that money is a dream.

It's days like this that scare me about tomorrow.
Knowing the pain lulls me to leave this place-
Knowing I'm going to have to find it in me to stand up,
Climb out,
Of this dark underground whole.

I don't want to go in there,
So I do what I always have since childhood around this house.
I skour the neighborhood,
Wander in the slight and perfect chill.

I take my breath and my home outside of this place,
Haunted
With childhood demons.
Sick with compression and dirt.

None of it is worth it to me anymore.
Not like this.
Not this way.

And as I am standing, looking at my rock bottom rubble, I can't help but to wonder if this whole I will be able to close up some day..
And instead of looking at a sky so far away,
I wonder will I be able to stand on the flat grass again...
Once and for all...
Never having to find myself in this
Mind Ditch,
In this death and solitude...
In this dream?!

The headaches alone
Make life not worth it,
But somehow,
They always seem to find
Their way back to me.

I need relief!
Food, love, support, eyes that want nothing more than to give to me...
I need outta here.
I need life;
Most of all, I need a reason why,
I ought to keep going.