Butterfly against Winds

I miss you,
Slow and distemperate.

Restless wings flutter my heart, and tumble falling;
My gut, the catching of flight failing.

You are my butterfly.
Delicate and slave to your winds.
I, a wind fierce at times,
With peaceful eyes.

Do not stay far from me across desert skies,
Where I feel you moving, slow,
And getting lost to lands far and between us.
I am still here, your dream.
Going nowhere
Like stamped memory
And native feet upon an Indian land.

It takes more than night or sky
To distance you from me.
Takes more than stars' galaxies,
And other worlds, through veils of which
We will pass through,
And pass through again..
With Every passing, something changing.

Shapes and forms do not impress upon our fears,
As you fly against winds, struggling..
Soon, I to appease the roars.
Soon, into calming.

The cushion of our hearts
Is a delicate, delicate calling..
And I give u a place to land here,
When your fluttering becomes strained,
And your being grows fear
That the storm which is your world and mine,
Will not stop hailing.
I am here,
Cushion to your wings astrain.
Here,
Where you can rest
Before you take flight again.
Here.

Never straying far,
Because I can not leave you.

Your heart is one with my own..
And my eyes see with your soul.
I can never,
Be but far.

With you,
Never far.

Running Mind

Houses Burning.
I see them in the distance- scattering ash,
And panic takes over me!
I can't help but to race,
As I run, thoughts, feelings,
That they have to do with me:

Did my mind set them ablaze?

And the sprint ruptures into heaving,
As fears strike cold and driving..

I can't help but to feel,
If I don't get there in time..

If I don't get there in time,
Something unspeakable will murder
What seems to mean something to me,
In those burning flames.
Wood like candy,
Pasts like secrets buried between stepfather and his daughter-
Dirty.
Sins, all unaccounted for,
Breathing on her sex-splattered body,
And in her, all hopes lost of someone prying him off every time.
It's no wonder
The House
Is burning.

I'm running,
Scared to Death,
He's in there..
The man,
My heart
Never got over.

Windows breaking out now,
As my feet are on fire trying to reach on time.
I start screaming out,
Every name-
Every name I care about,
Sure the fire is about to rip something from me-
Something vital,
Something I can't live without.
The winds and grasses thrash against my ears, as I wail and shout, looking for any sign there is someone left in there.
Nothing.
When I finally reach, stumbling and scrambling back up,
To my detriment,
The smokey blaze is gone.
I check, and check again,
But nothing.

The fire is gone.
The windows in tact.
The furniture arranged in delicate yet clumsy scatter.
Woods and porcelain,
But, no-body.

Nobody inside.

...Nobody
...inside.

What was I running towards?
And what was there that instead ghosted an empty head?
A spiraled heart?
A soliloquy of a dream?
A mind searching?

They..

Weren't there.
And the panic caved me.
Either way.
Burning house, or mind play..
The panic caved me...
either way.

Because it was all an illusion,
Steaming from the desperation
Of a running

mind.

Dream Switch

"Come closer" his arm speaks
Rounding out and into me.
"I love you", a tight squeeze with lips to my solace, and words impressed without uttering
Hand moving up and gripping my skull;
I can feel the serene in his arm bending along his outline into me.

I would replay it over and over,
For sake of digesting and soaking in a love he never gave...

Or did he?

He, kissing me...
And not the kiss that struck, but rather his planted feet
That had grown roots from his heart,
And chest,
The planter box, where once I'd sown my seeds.

He, holding me...
No dream of escape this time,
More like,
A resting in his finally catching me,
As I ran into his arms,
Surprised consciously,
even to find him there, waiting for me
In a place I thought he could never be,
Nor find..

And to my own surprise,
Here, in This Dream,
It was like we had never been,
Far nor separate,
Hurt nor hurting,
Unloved nor scared..

But instead,
It was like going Home.
BEING home.

There was no running here;
No running Fear...

He knew me,
And pulled it in to his entire field,
Long ago accepting,
Not aware of the running I've seen him do in our waking life.

Unaware of my surprise
That he could
Or would
Just scoop me up,
Knowing our love: claiming, holding,
Never doubting a moment
There was anything outside of us.

No world but the one he knew,
With me in it..
Holding the outside crazy with a grain of salt,
Because in his arms,
He held his own universe,
In her;
In what they came to know
In eachother.
Solace dominated in her as arms holding closer and surprise he didn't remember their other life-
Waking veil like a soldier abandoning post and running for his right.
And in him,
Solace was her.
No, never remembering any time before his "Now",
Where all he knew,
Was in his arms,
His world was the window of her eyes.
And he was Home,
Never remembering a time,
When they ran in opposite directions,
Never remembering a time he uttered words he wouldn't take back,
Or hopped on trains just to escape...

Here,
He had caught her.
And here,
She found him, waiting...
Never suspicious, he could find her here,
Hiding away in her dream;
Clever Love.

Holding her.
Nothing outside our walls, as though the world remained,
He wasn't afraid of the apocalypse anymore
And it was in her,
He knew,
It was safe..
Having already conquered the world,
And now,
Having made his way back Home,
To make sure she, too, once and for all,
As so long ago he'd sworn..

That she too,
Was safe.

And so the tale goes..
He met me there, in my dream...

And I saw everything, endings and new beginnings.
We had finally
found each other.
And for once,
There were no worlds or wars between us.
And it didn't seem,
There would ever be,
Again..

Until she woke.

But even that,
Is its own dream...
And who are we,
To say which
Is
Which?

In tales that switch,
And bodies that collide..
In energies that transverse gravities and human law's abide...
Who is to say
Which is which,
When dreams switch...

Because I swore,
That was the truest,
Most honest,
More real...
Than we had ever
Ever
Been.

And I felt
Like I
Was Home.

Until I woke,
And Maya's illusion
Was once again,
Painted all over
My face!

Dream Catching The Rabbit

For the first time
You held me.
I ran through the rooms in this house-
She was driving me crazy as always,
And there you were; Real..

And I ran into your arms,
Backing up, looking,
Waiting for some sense that you would turn away...
But you pulled me closer,
As if there was no other place I belonged,
But right there.

Here,
There,
It seems in some sorts of forever, or some long time,
That I had been yours and you, my Love, so mine...
And God, was it so warm-the warmth I'd imagined!

It is so hard for me to remember the fragments...
For when we awake, dreams in their tale, are so mostly lost...
But I do remember fading pieces;
Remnants of us, as some Long ago,
And at some meeting of Home,
Where for once,
My dream let me catch you.
Taste you.
Have you and hold you...
And for once,
You actually had no intention of letting go.
Here,
You kept me. We knew, I was yours...
And we knew,
There was no place you'd rather be..
Than in
Our Love.
God, you were happy; in Peace..
And I was In Love...and safety.

And it was
For the first time,
The closest,
We've ever been.

For once,
My dream
Let me catch you..

But
It wasn't only a dream, no.
Worlds were penetrated.
I've rarely known a dream so real..
And it was enough, to give me peace into us; into this-
Into not needing anything other than just living "The Dream".

It connected me to you,
The only way I needed:
In pure,
And some form
Of Heavenly Love...

Needing nothing anymore,
Because where you are,
I AM...
And where I AM,
You are...

And that,
Is truly,
(For the first time)

Enough.

Porches On the Bayou

The night is mellow enough that I could sit in its yolked street light
And read to these crickets
Bringing the warmth and melody of Summer.

It is romantic this night,
Like so many of my childhood,
On this street,
And the crickets sound,
As If creating their own symphony.

The peace breathes a breath of the slightest chill,
But mostly,
It is a serenity outside our prison walls;
My home:
My mother's home.

It is as if I've stepped into an alternate garden, an alternate place,
Magical and fresh,
Freeing and so much more OF me;
Who I REALLY am.

The chaos literally relaxing through my feet and hitting the grass beneath,
My chest, haulting its collapsing,
And the air so sweet,
So islandy,
I feel as though I have stepped into another place heavenly..
Almost like walking on stars.

I don't know how it could be. Mostly,
I just feel the pain of this house;
The old irony...

But somehow, this night,
Stepping out,
I feel as though I am on bayou balconies,
Crickets and toads a chatter,
Magical lights scouring around
And dancing the tune of another place.
Trees draping and fields for barefeet and lovers to hide in the night...
This,
Is what I've stepped into outside.
Someplace warm and inviting for once.
Someplace free and calling forth the magic..
Tangible in dancing fireflies,
Tangible in starry skies..

Tangible
In me.
Sitting here.
Dreaming.
In yolked lamplight,
And Summer's never there,
Calling me...
There is a serenity.
Peace.
Porches on the bayou
And summer dresses dreaming.

Passing Through

Ripping off this skin,
I'll meet you at the shoreline, diving in.
Crashing pulls my spirit
As I state my affirmation complete:
Arms lifted, almost supported
"I surrender...

...I surrender.. Finally"

And it's like death,
The moment Gaia takes me.
Pulling be down and under until my winds of breath are at their last.
"Take me, I trust thee, as I show thee now, in my leap...
Take me".

And she did.

And when I returned on shoreline, barely roused to wake,
I found a different taste in my mouth.
A different light through my eyes,
A different view
Of this sand, the land
And the Earthlings this dust makes.

A different view of us...
Passing..
Through,
The Eye.

The Shelter

Perhaps a gentle Love,
Will save me one day, from this heart of mine.

Tempted though I am,
Til suitor's face is shown,
To lock myself deep,
Staying curled so,

For the heart is cruel to me,
In the choices she makes.

It is safe in here,
Not loving any...

Where I lie to myself,
Including his Name.
Where I sleep my centuries of pain
Into moonlight's abyss of dreams.
Where there,
The veil is a sheathe no more,
But 'stead, another world.

I want to close and lock the door,
Curling up so and as though,
He hath taken no part of me.
Not that I might step forth
And give more,
To heart's craving,
That are not, what Her heart wants-

Hoping,
In shutting the door,
The time will become like years,
And he will fade from her so.

Where so she needs.
Unable to give herself completely, to any more,

Though they await on their knees,
Longing eyes asking,
And she's wondering why she's still...

Looking away.
Unable to give

Accept for dreams,
And him,
Where chances
Hath passed.

Screeching and burning
Heaven and Hell,
To rip this so from her heart,

Crying not just for them,
And all they lost,
But for the world that has too lost,
Time and Love,
Coming down here,
To be apart of this thing that hurts.
Incarnations full of forgetting
And slaughter..
Full of hatred, and blame, and power,
Yet us, each, as soul,
The bittersweet beauty of subtle life-force gracing every scrutiny,
The Butterfly as delicate and seemingly useless, yet, we as Man,
Watch and look upon it,
In it's moment,
As though there were nothing more than that-
A magical wind betrothing our gaze
Something subtle,
And beautiful,
About a life,
That takes shape, grace, wind,
Place.

My grace,
I wish to shelter away; cocoon until I can transform,
And this heart of mine that I have wrapped and tied a bow around,
Will be free
To be given again.

It is safe in here,
Coiled away,
Yet still, I sleep,
With longing.
Wronging.

Love oughtn't ever be,
This way.

Locked out.
Locked in.

His doing;
Mine.

And I just want to shelter,
Until I can revive again..

And know a gentle love.
One true.
One
Willing,
To love and lick my wounds.
One,
Where we,
Can clean
Our pains,
Together.

In Betweens

Sometimes I get a little lost in the wait;
In the time between,
And the sore throats,
Or days of rest.
In the drive,
Of so many different directions-focuses like rays of light in every direction,
From a single source!

Because then there's days like these,
Where I just want to rest- need,
To rest.

I'm learning to put it all down-
Time,
Concerns,
Matter.

Learning to wear this skin
As just that,
No more worries,
No more should's...

Just inspirations.
Listenings.
Prompting,
And on a different time not mine-
A surrendered timeline.

But sometimes,
I get lost.
Doubt creeps in; thoughts.
Fear, waring dreams titanic to change.
My own love, only contained by a small vessel of which it wants to shatter
And fragment,
To break free.

It's in the time in between she thinks,
"Can I really?"
"Will I really?",
Or will I fail? Will I be unhappy?
Will I never make my dreams?"

They are big ones!
Can I blame me?
Can I blame a little girl, still there inside, wiping away the messes of Love, and childhood?

No...
So...
I just watch her cry. Coddle her, brave it with her, looking for the words sometimes in my own mind to console for the moment's perfect "right".
She knows,
As well as I,
Sometimes we just have to brave it!
And keep going. One foot sometimes slowly at a time.
The old tale
Of the Tortoise & The Hare...
My Rabbit out there,
So sure he'll win.

Pacing.
Steading.
Slowly, following intuition, with breaks,
Breaks
In between,
When that voice slows or sounds not at all.

The in betweens.

Life is like that. Slow sometimes,
When we listen.
When we mark.
When we observe, and think,
And care..

...and Love.
And hope.

Life is like that..

When we wish,
And dream...

Not always steady in motion..
But rather balanced,

With in betweens.

Head Here

Lay your head here, on my chest
And I'll hold you.
Warm heart,
Arms taking your head into me,
Where it belongs.

I'll hold you,
Like I'm supposed to.
Warm heart,
Sharing mine,
Honoring you,
Loving you...

Safety.
Forever.

Head here.
Laying warm.
Nothing wrong.
Hands holding
Your beautiful head
Safely into me.

I will keep you here.
Hold you here,
Revive you here,
And bring you back to life...
If you let me.

You have no idea, do you?
Silly thing!
How much she loves you...?

If you
But let her!

...sweet, sweet love.
Easy. Honest. Here.

Safe...
Holding.

But here.

And we're so far, aren't we...
Silly things,
You and I...

So far, yet so close...
How can love be so hard?
So scary,
When it's so easy?
And so safe?

Silly,
Isn't it.

Isn't it.

I love you,

You silly, stupid thing.
Saying that smiling..

Letting,
You go...be there, if that's where u want to be....

I'll be here, holding you.
Head here.
Chest warm.
Waiting.

Loving...
You.
Silly you.
And all this stupidity.
Letting all the pains go.

They don't belong
In our home
Anymore.

Go.
Be.

Love lets go.
But She holds with strict memory
In the barely touched places of Her heart
Those that somehow
Break down her doors..

Even, when She's admonished them not to.

In Her home,
She holds you,
While letting go...

Because real love,
Honest love,
Knows only that:
The gift of giving.

I take you
Here to my chest,
Where you belong, because I know this healing touch..

And here I hold you.
And let you go..
All in the name,
Of a saving love.

Chest warm.
Head here...
And arms squeezing you tight.

With a goodbye,
And a goodnight..

Until,
We meet,
Again.

Time Under Tree

Soo tired.
And life is waiting on the edge of the River banks.
Waiting,
For me to jump in
To the Rush, the snare;
The flow...

That at times will sweep so fast, nothing will be catchable, but rather only, rideable...
Until merges happen,
And rivers collide...
Until paces change...

But for right now,
I sit on the edge of the river bank..
Watching,
Tired,
Knowing for some intuitive reason,
That its not time
To take that leap.

My soul rests here,
Weary...
Weary after lives of battles.
Bloodshed,
And them taking and killing my family, because I stood for Peace..

So like Siddhartha,
This is my time under Tree,
BeFore I get up,
And take that jump-
That leap of Faith
Into my next life's destiny.

There is a time.
And while the time is coming...

It is
Not
Now.

Now...
Is simply a time of recovery
Before I pass through,
The Gate...

First,
It is my purpose
To contemplate...

Then..

I will know when.

Simple.
Peaceful.
Waiting.
Gaining...patience,
Love,
Truth.

A truth..

I've only just begun,
To notice.

Way back into Love

I wake up missing you,
Under clouds grey and some bright light passing through,
Wondering how the sky looks on your side.

I sat yesterday, and saw our signs twice;
SMACK, right in front of my face;
The guy sitting right behind me,
Literally had your name.

I can't help but to think you think it means I'm lost,
That I long for you, want to love you..and do..
Want to share something real and clean-
Not anything it already has been.

And while this one may make me laugh and take me away to gentlemanly estates,
And that one may be the one I look up to whom keeps me safe,
You, my dear boy,
Are almost embedded in...
In the door that they want to get in...
And I'm struggling with letting you go and them taking your space,
Because somehow,
Somewhere,
It's been you all along.

And I know you act like you don't care.
In fact, you just may not...
But how I long to at least know,
So I can let go,
If it's true that you do not.

I know it must be in something past lived between you and I...
And something thrill-seeking and challenging all of its own in this life..

But what is so hard about being a man?
Saying what you mean?
Honestly communicating.
If I were half the woman I know I should be,
I would not keep looking back..

But love, sometimes, we silly romantics hope for its miracles..
And I guess I just keep hoping
You are not this harsh facade you put on.
That your gentle love is more you than you just wish to share.

But I guess because I am not so much the same fool as I used to be,
I am here and you are there,
And we've lost what you never honored anyway.

You,
A brilliant, beautiful soul
Me, seeing it...
And I guess in all this,
How much have you really let on that you see me?
Care about me?

This, magnificent vessel endlessly creating from potential..

How you have not cued,
That you grasp even microcosms
Of this
Beautiful Creature that I am..
Unhumbly known there are few who can compare..

And in all your fading light,
I see you,
But you, in my Sun,
Can not see me?

Yes,
A stark contrast", as you say, my love...

Just like me
Loving a man
That is not being the fierce equal
That I know he could be..

Just like me
In the midst of fierce equals,
Still seeing those five letters..

One name.
I love you...

But contracts and karma
Bind us,
Until you learn
To love yourself,
Find the thing beyond who you think yourself to be..

And start abiding,
By that intuition...
And where it will take "thee"..

I love you..
Because we know eachother,
Tho this day,
This life,
You are still not seeing me...

But that doesn't stop
This eye,
From brilliant "in-sights"..

Because I see me,
And light, and love,

I know you,
More than you may ever,
Know yourself-

The self,
You may still,
Just deny.

I never wanted to say goodbye.
And hate, some aspect of this auditioning,
When I only wanted you.

But...
You're not here...
And I'm thinking you never were-

Always too stuck,
Too pitying,
Too prideful,
Too arrogant..
Too scared

To let him actually just love her.

Go love brokenly. Someone who will give you the world and snatch it away.

She will never be me.
And you may never know me,
For the universes
That you have yet,
To taste.

Maybe the man I miss is the man I knew so long ago...

And you seem but a ghost of him now.

That man once,
Knew how to love...

And in this world,
Love, is the only treasure.

Be not fooled by Man's claims; the Devil's, the Demon's whispering against it's power.

Love,
Is the only force,
That saves.

I am still saying Goodbye to you.
Missing you.
Loving you,
Hoping you,

Will find your way...

Back into Love