Seed Taking Stock

 

I am beyond tired lately. 

  It is of a different kind of exhaust. 

And all I want to do is stay in bed all day, cup myself up from the world, 

And take too long a break; the depressive kind. 

Food leaves not much interest to me now a days, not with the pills I take. 

I am not really one to share my heart space, 

But it has split, nonetheless.

And too often lately, I might as well be a ghost in my reality. 

I only exist, where you dwell...

  Far and away. 

I am somewhere between all mental states; 

Such a number of magnitudes swelling in such a tiny vessel. 

Deeply, so much has shifted. 

Deeply in me, something has re-broke 

(And yet only, so something more can form beyond all this now). 

What's not so great are the words...

The words desperately trying to balance themselves within my heart. 

Within your absence. 

....and I guess, it was a slow breaking of the surface...

For as he finally put the last dagger in....

Your tiny reaching green leaves, broke the surface, fragile, but visible. 

Perhaps I wanted to forget that I planted that dormant seed.  That seed that really had no chance perhaps, 

But nonetheless, 

Was planted with faith

  and love alone. 

I can not tell you anymore than I have. 

 But I will tell you in person. 

I can not forge more love letters here, because all these thoughts and feelings are forbidden...

But it has left me pondering the state of love...

And what it means here, 

Between this choice and 

  that one. 

I quite frankly wonder, if perhaps, this longing is due to something more? 

Could we be the fulfillment within one another that now voids our entire life? 

Do you realize I have long forgiven you? 

Are you ready to heal? 

Because he is not. 

And I am not happy, trying to beat my light away for him; 

Trying to repress everyday thoughts and memories of you, 

That have re-broke my surface. 

I am not happy, not dwelling in your arms. 

Not feeling your eyes. 

Not tasting your mouth, 

Not sharing your burdens of mind

but I wonder...

Are you healing? 

Is there a chance, 

We might try together? 

Is there still a chance in this life for us, for something unsettled for? 

Is the mirror of torment, shared? 

And I can no more tell you it's you than you already know. 

So do not question yourself, 

And give me a reason to come home. 

To come back. 

Show me this time, 

That you love me. 

And might we then, 

Abandon time, and claim the consequence 

Of our life and choices together...

As once I'd asked of you, 

As once, I'd promised you. 

As once you abandoned.

His words echo in my head from that night. 

I asked him, baiting him really, 

If he has ever betrayed me in such a way as the conversation had been discussed. 

And he said yes. 

And I said when? 

and he said your name. 

Your name. 

and I feigned ignorance, asking him what he meant. 

and he said, 

"Well when did things turn south with you guys? When did everything change between you?"

and my heart sank. 

It sank all over again. 

Because he was right there in front of me, 

Telling me he ruined us two! 

and I'm still sinking 

Thinking 

About all of it. 

Biding time, 

To hide away, 

And steal away, 

To my thoughts...

My secret world, 

And ghosting myself....

In my own reality. 

It is a burden of heart. 

Of soul and mind. 

And do we share it? 

and , or am I blind? 

Delusional? 

And just searching for something that makes sense, 

When I wonder if this reality, 

 Has coarsed it's spent. 

Burdens of heart, soul, and mind. 

All needing water. 

All needing 

      Love.