The Trilogy

 

Oh babe, 

 I dont know what to say? 

We had that conversation last night. About you. 

 We have a way of ripping tares in our walls 

  So all leaks through. 

I was left feeling pretty stunned for hours, gazing into a long stare while he rambled on, 

  The subject already long changed. 

It was like reaching through the veil of time and pulling out this wound, a re-examination that keeps popping up, keeps leaking blood and blue.

The Tragedy? 

What can I say? What can I say? 

I let you both rip out my heart, 

          but YOU wielded the sword...

                               YOU

And afterall it was YOU 

     that I loved...

  which was the poison of your betrayal, 

    that would soak in and last for years. 

And how tragic, that I loved someone who could have done that to me. That YOU...

                                   did that to me...

How tragic that you might have loved me, afterall, 

  But not enough really! 

How tragic your choices of loyalty, when I had shown you mine. 

I was already so down then, and you put the final dagger in 

an extremely broken heart and girl. 

I expected that of him...

But never of you. I thought maybe...

or HOW could you NOT tell me, 

  What you two were up to?! 

I thought..."How could HE, do that to me?!" -keeper of his secrets, lover regardless of his fatal blows?

You took the wind out of me. 

Laughed at me. 

Hurt me intentionally. 

Gutted me. 

  all the while I had given you my loyalty, 

 my heart, a piece of me 

 you walked away with-

no intention of its return

  betrayal forged in your laughing 

at the wrenching pain you left within me

And left me alone with...

  for a very

         Long 

             time. 

You broke me, all over again, then 

  as fragmented as shattered gets. 

I died a very slow death, 

He had his hand, 

  whispering nothings in your ear

In fact clever to get YOU to sabotage us, 

  so in fact I could never TRUST YOU again. 

He had to break me of you. 

You....

You took the dagger out of his hand 

  and you participated in the sacrifice with him. 

You both sacrificed me....

   And I felt it...

It is a shadowy disappointment. 

  One that killed a spark in me. Killed Hope. 

One that changed how I would form forever after 

  

  But it was YOU that I loved. 

It was YOU whom I trusted. 

It was YOU who BROKE me.

It was YOU I chose...

                     And you...

                You chose him. 

It is a blow that still haunts me and your ghost, my Kin.

It is the one of two that only really matter.

 The other, well Dad of course. 

His abandonment mirrored in your absence;

 You never came back for me...

In all that time...

   you never 

 Came 

 Back.  

   

I waited 8 long years. 

  I hoped. As foolish as I knew it was,

...but you never made your way back. 

 Never apologized. 

 Never confessed to me the truth or YOUR truth. 

 Never came back to tell me you love me, 

  that you are sorry. 

You were not even a friend to me by then... 

because HOW could you do THAT, without telling me what was going on?! 

I don't get it. My chests cracks even reminiscing. 

The chills now down my skin. 

He asked me. 

I never knew how I was going to answer that question if he ever did. 

I had been thinking about it for 4 years. 

But he finally did. 

He asked me...last night...

He asked me how deep WAS my love for you? 

That's a good question...

How DEEP 

... is the ripping out of your heart and giving of it away? 

How deep is it to walk through this life, in half now?  

      The trauma-bond of what we went through? 

How deep is the mystery between us? 

How deep are the mused stirrings of prolific writing, that keep me up late into my witching hours? 

against the backdrop of your anchor- holding my boat to a wading sea? 

All Noir, Romance, Consumption, 

And nothing tinged without you, 

  because it is seen through me. 

You too- of full destruction. 

Just 

Like 

Him...

But not at all. 

What could I tell him? 

Him, 

Catching me on my half truths? 

What could I say to him? He already knew. 

He said, "You KNOW! I KNOW you know!"....

  So after clever plays at words and subtle side steps, as he pressed patiently, and lovingly....

I said it. 

"I mean yeah, okay! Fine you REALLY want to know?...

But what could I say? I used the excuse that 

"I DON'T EVEN know! ".... but he wasn't having it? 

He pressed me. 

"Come on, you're a poet! You're all connected to your feelings! Be honest here! I SEE YOU! It's okay! This is all the past!"

I finally caved. Keep it simple. Stall. 

I said 

"If I HAD to describe it in ONE word?

I guess...

you could say...

...it felt...

             DEEP"

Chest stalled out for breath behind the shower curtain, a wall between us keeping him from seeing my face! 

I couldn't believe we were talking about it.

In shock, but reverent to the honesty....

Which you...you had never shown me. 

After I got out...air thick with you between us, inside me...

I told him "You REALLY got me back!", sunken from the pit riled beneath in the depth of my cavities, 

"...You REALLY wounded me... " 

(through you and what you did),

 but I didn't say that part...

He stared forward for a second, me under his arm, and my hand on his heart, my own wilted from  memories stirred to the surface where they 

just can not belong. 

He said "I KNEW IT! You REALLY fell deeply for him!" "I fucking KNEW IT!!"..

  And I smiled...because he caught me! 

I couldn't hide- in the moment,  I had no words to refute him....

I had nothing. 

I got lost the rest of the night. Inside myself. Inside the wounds that took me so many years to scab over and heal.  

It was treacherously tragic, 

 To the highest degree of the words;

Treacherous. 

Tragic. 

Truly Shaksperian,

...mostly because...

 I really believed you loved me too! And not just any kind of love! The kind that you only get once in a lifetime if you are lucky. Why else, would I fight so hard and make an utter fool of myself? 

        I fought for us. 

I told him I loved you then, 

And he used it to tare us apart...

And you, you Darling...

  You let him. 

I didn't know then though. That it was you both. 

I had learned eventually. 

 And as time passed, 

  You never came back. 

Maybe that speaks more volumes. 

I knew I was a fool, 

  but I loved you anyways, 

and I saw no point in fighting it once it became apparent how embossed you had become upon me- like stitches holding me inside myself;

No rhyme to it. No reason. 

  Just two collided souls, and my world was forever changed

 After our exchange. 

We went on with the night. As if the conversation never took place once we shook off the heavy filter of it colluding us. 

I would go on inside though. Deep. Eyes staring themselves into a blur, 

as he rambled on about work and all the other casual things...

There are three sides to our story...

  ..I never got yours.