The Intake

 I am trying to rectify, 

  how your actions 

Are always my fault. 

I don't know how to make sense of it; 

  the constant battle back and forth, seemingly loveless and callous. 

Had I been stronger, 

  I might have left long ago. 

But he is good with his words, and his recoveries, and his just enoughs to have me believe 

Change is coming. 

Change has happened. 

But is it enough, against the degrading jokes and devaluation? 

Against the misogyny and reversed blame 

For actions not mine? 

Is it enough, with the drunken episodes spilled over and over, 

Injuring me most everytime? 

Is it enough the change, 

When you still have a pick and you are still chiseling away? 

Apologies, so seemingly hollow after a while. 

Killing the love. Heart rebreaking, everytime I gather my strength and faith back up, in us, 

as you somehow find ways to chip, chip, chip that away. 

I don't know how to make sense of it, 

  so so many times trying to run away. 

Heart stricken. Breaking. Hearing you say you love me. 

"Love me"....

but if so, 

Then why does my heart shake? Feel this way? 

Break? 

Compounding, 

Compounding, 

From you, what I intake.