The day is half way through by now;
I am just getting up. Almost 2 o'clock.
We went to sleep at about 5am this morning...
a little later than usual but not by much.
The days...
and nights...
They are formed now,
by you...
And I hate you for it.
I hate you for hovering
and chording me,
And keeping me wrenched and entrenched
In the endless absence of you.
I hate that all the healings and rituals won't do,
to keep anything permanently cut from you.
I hate that this is our love, ever present and haunting us two.
And I think I might
Understand why you left...
And I think He does too, but I really can't tell with the excuses he stacks up, because it's never of mention of me and you.
You both are a piece of me.
Two Lovers, each holding half.
But your love....well he said it the best- you are deep and intelligent, and emotional...
and he started to tear from your absence as well, cheeks trembling holding back your choice- because he loves you...and I could see it. So clearly.
I didn't have the courage to utter out loud,
"I miss him too...", heart as sad as mourning masses,
completely wilted thinking about you...
I let him believe you were HIS...to mourn
and not MINE
though he could never understand my loss
in you... and what good would it do to speak it?
And I wonder which one of us loves you more?
What does our heart say?
I know my truth. Can't imagine he can love you like this? Unbearably. Unfathomably, restlessly, perpetually.
He understood the difference between you both that way.
That how you and I connected was different- in his mind, "How could it not be?".
He understood we had something else,
but I can not tell if he perceives the abyss of its depth. Suspect sometimes perhaps, but unwilling to acknowledge or bring up THAT taboo we don't mention but upon rare dialogues.
And of course it is different!
Of course it is...
He put the words in my mouth for me.
Confessing he believes that's what we had, you and I, afterall WAS
SOMETHING emotional, mental...spiritual even...
and I find his confessions remarkably flagrant, surprisingly & profoundly candid.
Shocking really...
It is also other worldly.
and I wonder how much he knows,
of my interior demeanor,
my secret caged up,
wading in and out
In and out-
an endless current
vast, boundless,
where I dwell there
with you,
Often.
He is smarter than he lets on.
Like you too, my love.
and I can see through him why I loved you.
and I can see through you, the dilemma you were put in.
and I can see through him, how you might have loved me...
and all these years later, how it still matters.
How it still has stock and root.
and I see through my own owl-perched lenses
and my midnight masses
and communions
Where you are forever and never far from me at all.
The tragedy of us lodged in my bones.
My heart still pounding even
writing these words,
after all this time.
They should be forbidden. These words.
They are.
but I have given myself permission...
To love you. To mourn.
To understand what we have.
I have given myself permission to embrace it, whether or not that is good or bad.
He of course....
He was everything you were not
in your absence.
He became my best friend, my protector.
We worked to bind this.
We fought for this.
We put in the years of work.
We fell back in love.
We committed to each other.
and it was fucking hard.
I challenged myself in ways thought absolutely impossible but I put my entire being into our relationship
And the Grace of Spirit that would be my guide
Every
Single
Day.
and even then,
No, I found, even He,
Couldn't sweep you away,
Even though He did his best
but at what cost?
How do you value the price we are paying here?!
Each of us holding a piece of each other,
and torn by it.
and that is just the Tragedy of our Tale.
We all lose something in our Sacred, Jealous, and Possessive Hearts.
We all pay the price for this.
But it also binds us-
Our cosmic ring
Between us all.
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