Frivolous

They say "love yourself". 

So I try. 

They say "love, your neighbors", 

So I do. 

But it doesn't mean, 

There are not demons underneath..

Sabatouging me, and hating you..

That's what they do. 

My chest, holds tight. 

Forgive who, how? 

These people who aren't so good at loving me back? 

Anybody out there good, 

At loving back? 

How...

Do I love, these wounds away, 

The face of a man I called father, 

Or family that seems family not. 

Friends, abandon us..

In times when we need to face the darkness of our own spirit alone. 

Am I waking up, 

Or falling asleep? 

Growing unfathomably, or rotting?

Waiting for an experience, 

To mind-alter my next transformation. 

Needing love, 

But afraid of it. 

Doing this...

But needing more, from myself. 

How do I love myself more,

Without being more, 

Doing more...

How can I see more, 

What it takes? What it means? -love?

How do I strip away these pasts...

And make a new life? 

How do I unmark, the branded scars, 

They've left here, 

On my heart? 

And why...

Most days...

Have I just given up deep within...

Like it's all frivolous, life? 

I do not feel I know the joys of love in this life. 

I know what it's like to give...

But receiving....

Well up until now...

That hasn't all worked out so great. 

Healthy family life? 

Any NORMAL LOVE? 

Best friend w a parent. 

A sister....

 

There are things I'm missing...

And I don't always know what the point is...without them. 

Do you? 

And here I am...

Just trying to understand...

And remember...

What the point is...

Because sometimes, I wonder...

If I am just starting to stumble backwards.

I just want someone I can endlessly talk with. Go through life with. 

Is it so bad to be sick of doing that alone, all this time? This entire life? 

No...

And I'm really just Somedays...

Stumbling backwards. 

It shouldn't be any harder than this. 

I shouldn't have to try harder...

And even though I believe that...

I also know..

It is hard. 

And we do have to "try harder" sometimes, Somedays...some breaths. 

I am, sort of hating my dad. 

I've never kept anybody around I had loved so much who has let me down so much, 

Besides my mother...

And those terrible lovers, I allowed myself to be strangled by. 

But at least they loved me, right? 

Were there for me, when mom and dad weren't? 

So yeah, of course I stayed- it gets lonely. 

It is lonely. 

Not just without love...that best friend...

But even just in this world and it's burdens. 

Sarcasm rises abit more...

As my innocence dies a death once again. 

I strive towards goals, with full blown reasons why...

But...

I really don't know why anymore...

Accept to say...

It is the only thing I seem to have left; 

Something to do with this life...

That has so meticulously been, 

My Heaven, and Hell...

Though Hell, 

Has been the channel I know the most. 

Dripping, 

I try emerging from that...

But the dark, she is all over me, 

Like the scent of a woman, 

And some putrid density, 

That keeps me baring 

Old masks. 

And looking out, I try to be inspired by people...by the love in their spirits, and faces...

But I can't see it so much these days. 

And I am hesitant to say, it's because it is not there, in them...

These people, so many faces, all around me, everyday- 

These embassadors for our world...

But I wonder. 

Because they can come across as soul-less. 

And maybe I just need to find abundance again. Peace. 

And people who believe. 

Because maybe I am too sensitive to be all alone in Hell. 

Maybe...I need to search out...

A suitable heaven.

And they say it's within...

But I can't run away from me. 

Or the people who I thought I had. 

Or the fact that having whatever I do have...

Feels like nothing. 

Existence. 

Feels frivolous and mean...

And more often than not...

I just want a break. 

Before 

I break.