pretending.
I have to pretend...
to not be heartbroken.
I have to hide...
what keeps me in bed somedays, all days.
two jobs.
just get by, me and my little dog.
$1100 a month, and at the end of it all...each month...I do it again..
many days feeling trapped.
why am I trapped?
Well like I said...
I have to walk around in this world...
Pretending
not to be
Heartbroken.
So maybe...the depression,
is a symptom of the hope in me
feeling ever broken...
down
by something,
repeatedly.
Nothing I do,
seems to stop this process.
worst of it all...
seems to be the headaches...
then the emotions...
then the addictions.
and then, of course, there's people;
We're so good at letting each other down.
the two jobs wears on me like I am a 90 year old woman.
so do the headaches.
and I have to walk around..
and pretend to not be hopeless...
as I am slugged around
my my own incapacity to cope with this life.
Fail...
fail.
Alone...
is most of what I've known...
in all the times I've needed people the most.
I keep giving...out...
more often than not, collapsing now,
from that.
I thought it was supposed to get easier...
and instead of it getting any easier...
I find more often than not...
I have less and less to give..
especially to myself.
It is a despair I am hoping will pass...
but it is also a long time friend.
Going through life repeating ever so...
"I just need a break...I just need a break"...
I suppose i am blessed
that at least little ones, I know.
little..breaks..away..
thank God.
The disappointments stack...
my soul feels raw and peeled away...
giving up
because even in getting the things I want,
I still have to be "beyond-my-means" tough.
I still have to put on my smile,
and face the world...
attempting to be a light
I just don't know if I always have anymore.
i am
broken...
in it all...
walking around, a zombie, their words raining all over my mind...
while I do this solo walk
all my life,
one more time.
everybody likes to tell us how...or come up with some temporary fix
that has nothing to do with even understanding the challenge.
my coping...
just doesnt seem to be good enough.
my energy and health and time,
I constantly spend beyond my means...
and im tired...
and i put on face in this life...
only to maybe extract the small things regardless
of the despair
that still and only continues,
to drench my heart.
Try...taking THAT out into the world.
explaining that.
depression and sadness...
because it is sad...
all the things we ignore...
most of them, atrocities.
so yeah...of course i bare that on my soul.
it doesnt help...that i just happen to be different enough, that understanding seems a true commodity
amidst my peers...and the world.
as is friendship...
and love..
and not constantly having to feel so strong...
while feeling so alone.
its not loneliness....
as much as it is that:
I need a little help sometimes.
everybody does...
and im starting to feel pretty hopeless
baring it all on my own...
like i can't.
like im dying inside.
like i can't keep being the light for a world that will let me give 'til i bleed out all over
the sacrifice
of always trying so hard.
I always, try so hard.
and im just so tired.
and so overwhelmed.
and burdened,
by the lack of support...
because in this collapsing...
all i can do is fall, with no arms to brace me.
and hope as i always do...
that yet again,
i will still get up.
This is my confession.
my deepest truth
an an American girl and artist..
who has suffered probably a fairly typical american life.
broken home.
maybe a star on the rise...
maybe dead by tomorrow.
existence is real.
that is why men before me write and process
what this life has done to them.
why we sing, and create, and paint, and photograph, and love, and eat, and cry, and hide, and deny, and lie, and sleep, and abuse it all off and away.
am i really any different than they?
and I fail to cope so well,
with everything
I do
and do not have.
none of it takes
the pain,
or the heartbreak,
or the difficulty away...
to cope here.
so even with fame...
should it come...
I am least, not stupid enough to think with that...
THIS..
will all go away.
if anything...
maybe i'll collapse.
maybe God will lift me out and see me through.
i just know...
that no matter what happens from here on out...
all I can do...
is all I can
do.
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