Reaching

"There are some things that can't be helped.."

I've had a life of this lesson, 

And still, 

In matters like this, Dear Love...

It is a concept like hearing it for the first time-

Is that what Love does? 

And in matters like this..

My world is once again more complicated...

No room for just black and white..

And well...

As I watch myself try to evade, 

And cope, 

I also watch myself fall, and watch you...

Watching me not be able to take my eyes off of you...

No other but you, 

Since that day I knew. 

"Some things, just can't be helped"...

Maybe even those things are destined to be: 

I am 

Loving You. 

Watching you yesterday, 

Made that one thing evident; 

Imperfections and all, 

I still crave you, when you are anything but an arm's distant reach, 

Because baby, incase you haven't noticed, 

I reach 

For you, 

Imperfections and all...

And is this what Love is? 

Imperfections and all. 

The feeling of home? 

Missing something, 

I never had..

Or maybe. 

I battle myself 

Eloquently

Over you...

But yesterday was easy; 

It always is...

Accept for the fact that I love you...

That is 

The hard part, 

Right now. 

As you protect yourself, the only way you know how, 

I watched my anger become love, 

Because it is, Anyway, 

And yesterday, 

I watched my Love, love you...

And it is so very hard, 

To never love you more; I always do. 

Love you, more. 

Everytime. 

And so even if I am mad, 

Or was..

I am still in love with you-

The "some things just can't be helped part". 

So my part, 

In this then...

Is to continue to Do what I 

Am meant to do, Dear Love. 

I, 

Will Be Love

For you. 

For us. 

Because one thing is evident; 

That THAT, is what 

I am meant to do here. 

With you. 

To Love you, right. 

Until perhaps...

I just can't

Anymore. 

Because maybe this was never about you loving me back-

Maybe you do...

Maybe, just maybe...you don't. 

Maybe that part doesn't matter. 

Because Love, 

Is Love...

Regardless- 

Not to be taken away. 

Not to be repressed or haulted. 

So if I am meant to love you..

Then let me simply...

Try my best, 

While you are here my love...

And before you are off...

And on your way. 

I 

Am trying not 

To reach for you...

But my heart and soul quite take over when you are near...

And something else happens, 

Until you are gone again. 

And then, in your absence 

Yet, I cope once more...

And I don't think anymore, because I was. 

I don't question anymore, because I did. 

This is Love-

For me...

At its fullest, senses of uncondition just dripping from my amount of affection 

Over you. 

You are young. 

I don't even know if you care...

But that, yesterday, 

For the time being, 

Had ceased to matter. 

It always, with you, 

Ceases to matter, 

Doesn't it?! 

Because once thing may be getting clearer; 

I was meant 

To love you. 

It's not bad, 

Or vulnerable- 

JUST! Beautiful...

Just perfect. 

Because I do Love you...

Regardless. 

I think 

That is why 

I reach....

Before I even have a chance 

To 

Stop 

Myself. 

Crater

Time bares me not.

As I hurry around in a tizzy, 

Headache swindling sweet nectars off of my lips, but at least I sway 

To the keys, 

The mood, 

The music, 

The birds, 

All chirping, 

And theiving, 

And drinking 

Away the after affects

And current affects

Of letting 

Art and air, 

Pain and muscles, 

Soreness and relaxation, 

Thread Into me... 

And become one...

And how it does that

Through blacks keys, 

And hooping, 

Where on my building flat, I was flying, 

I swear, 

I was flying, 

And the wind was dancing me, 

And I was...

There. 

Thank God. 

Wind escapes...

And I thank the god, that feels like me...

Rising up from within. 

I am in and out 

Of living the dream...

Aching lifestyles like subconscious impressed into impact on me...

And I am just a crater. 

A Creator

In loe of you

You missed out..

On everything I wrote in loe of you...

Of every plastering memory, 

That burned, 

Like the hue of your eyes, 

And all the nights 

I laid open, 

Thinking and remembering 

Traces of you, lure like 

Ease and cake...

Dripping and drinking, and suddenly waking, like a dream, dream...

You were good 

At being gone. 

And the wake was intense; 

Like Hell. 

And I was wondering...

I have been sitting and wondering...

Where my Heaven has gone? 

What has happened to it? 

I'm still spun.

Spun...

And spun over you...

Like a blow or two, 

And ringing left on the brain. 

You've been missing out...

On everythang..

I have been feeling...

Willing...

And dancing and writing, 

As if we are two...

One...

"Would you believe me if I said, I'm in love?"- the song I write this to 

In loe of you...

"Got me up all night...

All I'm singing is love songs...

Constant drinking and love songs

Downin out with these love songs...

 She got me open all night..."

She's got me open, 

All night...

Closing though, and shutting down now...

I think we had our one last time, 

Our round. 

My heart can't take

The loud, pounding...

 

And I...little me... 

I've learned to be better than this: where I've put myself 

In loe of you, 

And for you...

Yet, do u, reach for me? 

Stretch? Dive? Need me? 

I'm saying...

She got me up all night 

Drownin' out with these love songs...

Songs, she could have heard if she'd wanted...

But I can only guess, didn't. 

I can only guess... 

Can maybe even be wrong? 

But how likely is that? 

That I am wrong over this? 

Over you? 

Because I thought every moment, 

And song and word, 

And lyric and note, 

Hit over you, my muse...

Was....

Life! 

I thought it was Life...thinking you were in it. 

But you were good at being gone; 

Have been. 

I curl up...

And feel the heart's broken drenching me...

Crisp with pain at a strained and panicked chest. 

It doesn't matter. 

It never does. 

 

Accept for maybe when it finally kills you. 

But I write these words confident...

You don't see them...

And unapologetic, because they 

Are my love for you. 

A love you will never return. 

A love, I may not want you to. 

Because you are already too good, 

At being gone. 

All while I, somehow...

Managed to fall

In love with you. 

Stage

"They watched her die

Before their eyes

And barely a whisper was uttered; 

Almost, as if, 

They didn't 

Even 

Notice...

But no-one...could really...

Tell for sure"

The Night's Oracle

I want 

To come 

Talk to you, 

As the words say...

And the song sings my answers 

To the questions wrapping my soul-body. 

..but 

I have nothing to say...

Against the black palate...covering a mirage of rainbow and thousands of colours...

All...

Of which 

Are the things 

I don't 

Know how to

Say

To you. 

I am wrapped 

In your web. 

Plain. 

Pain. 

And clear.

As I await...

Await...

A death. 

Perhaps I bleed it. 

Because non of it is real? 

How can it be? 

Can't it be? 

Might it be...

As the song, rains my understanding, 

And all it's misguidance 

All over 

Me...

You..and me...

 He says, this oracle, 

"Come talk...

Come talk to me", 

Like. Bellowing cloud wind

And fields 

Of you. 

Frivolous

They say "love yourself". 

So I try. 

They say "love, your neighbors", 

So I do. 

But it doesn't mean, 

There are not demons underneath..

Sabatouging me, and hating you..

That's what they do. 

My chest, holds tight. 

Forgive who, how? 

These people who aren't so good at loving me back? 

Anybody out there good, 

At loving back? 

How...

Do I love, these wounds away, 

The face of a man I called father, 

Or family that seems family not. 

Friends, abandon us..

In times when we need to face the darkness of our own spirit alone. 

Am I waking up, 

Or falling asleep? 

Growing unfathomably, or rotting?

Waiting for an experience, 

To mind-alter my next transformation. 

Needing love, 

But afraid of it. 

Doing this...

But needing more, from myself. 

How do I love myself more,

Without being more, 

Doing more...

How can I see more, 

What it takes? What it means? -love?

How do I strip away these pasts...

And make a new life? 

How do I unmark, the branded scars, 

They've left here, 

On my heart? 

And why...

Most days...

Have I just given up deep within...

Like it's all frivolous, life? 

I do not feel I know the joys of love in this life. 

I know what it's like to give...

But receiving....

Well up until now...

That hasn't all worked out so great. 

Healthy family life? 

Any NORMAL LOVE? 

Best friend w a parent. 

A sister....

 

There are things I'm missing...

And I don't always know what the point is...without them. 

Do you? 

And here I am...

Just trying to understand...

And remember...

What the point is...

Because sometimes, I wonder...

If I am just starting to stumble backwards.

I just want someone I can endlessly talk with. Go through life with. 

Is it so bad to be sick of doing that alone, all this time? This entire life? 

No...

And I'm really just Somedays...

Stumbling backwards. 

It shouldn't be any harder than this. 

I shouldn't have to try harder...

And even though I believe that...

I also know..

It is hard. 

And we do have to "try harder" sometimes, Somedays...some breaths. 

I am, sort of hating my dad. 

I've never kept anybody around I had loved so much who has let me down so much, 

Besides my mother...

And those terrible lovers, I allowed myself to be strangled by. 

But at least they loved me, right? 

Were there for me, when mom and dad weren't? 

So yeah, of course I stayed- it gets lonely. 

It is lonely. 

Not just without love...that best friend...

But even just in this world and it's burdens. 

Sarcasm rises abit more...

As my innocence dies a death once again. 

I strive towards goals, with full blown reasons why...

But...

I really don't know why anymore...

Accept to say...

It is the only thing I seem to have left; 

Something to do with this life...

That has so meticulously been, 

My Heaven, and Hell...

Though Hell, 

Has been the channel I know the most. 

Dripping, 

I try emerging from that...

But the dark, she is all over me, 

Like the scent of a woman, 

And some putrid density, 

That keeps me baring 

Old masks. 

And looking out, I try to be inspired by people...by the love in their spirits, and faces...

But I can't see it so much these days. 

And I am hesitant to say, it's because it is not there, in them...

These people, so many faces, all around me, everyday- 

These embassadors for our world...

But I wonder. 

Because they can come across as soul-less. 

And maybe I just need to find abundance again. Peace. 

And people who believe. 

Because maybe I am too sensitive to be all alone in Hell. 

Maybe...I need to search out...

A suitable heaven.

And they say it's within...

But I can't run away from me. 

Or the people who I thought I had. 

Or the fact that having whatever I do have...

Feels like nothing. 

Existence. 

Feels frivolous and mean...

And more often than not...

I just want a break. 

Before 

I break. 

Volcano's Mass

Life 

Is that fragile thing, 

Delicacy of vase on a quaking table...

And the rages that lay dormant, 

Til the perfect trigger; 

Impact. 

Crater-riden, 

My surface holds all my beat..

But still I rotate, don't I? 

Still I am a mass. 

A mess. 

Awaiting the perfect triggers. 

I swear...

You fell in. 

Didn't ask for this, on this one...

(Or did I?)...

But I swear...

When you fell in...

You ruptured something beneath. 

And it's like awakening an irreversible shift. 

Now....

Well now, my NOW, is tinged...

With you. 

And attempts to erase. 

Attempts...

Attempts to walk away from the gamble this time.

Attempts to stop with chances. 

Attempts...

To put down...

Any love like this...

Thinking for some reason, it's epic? 

No...

Not epic, is it? 

At all? 

Is it? 

At all? 

No...

I think...maybe not...

I think...

I must think...

Maybe not..

Because love wouldn't do THIS? Would it? Not? 

Place my vase...

On a quaking table? 

Did this really happen? 

It did, right? 

Volcano, hatched? 

Broken shards..

Life...

Just letting...

As I watch it remain...

Tinged by you. 

Afterthought

That "when I get drunk, I think of you"...

That, 

Gotta stop myself from telling you I wish I was with you everyday-...you make me happy. 

That..

"I miss you", they are reeming into me...

And all I want is to be safe in your arms...

That, 

"I love you". 

That..

I need you...keep me safe..

Where in the laughter of our love, 

I am no longer afraid...

But I am afraid HERE. 

Black smoke, HERE. 

I need you..where

You..

Are no where to be found. 

The Thing they Never did

I love it when you Free me; 

When the amount of how much you would never do to Me stacks up

Next to an even more colossal pile

Of everything you didn't know how to stop yourself from doing, 

To me, for me

... For me. 

it is the thing they never did; 

Caring into an ease of nature, 

Yet willing to sacrifice in death... 

It is the thing they never did for me

Confessional; Depression Monologue 2

I have to walk around in this world...

pretending.

I have to pretend...
to not be heartbroken.

I have to hide...
what keeps me in bed somedays, all days.

two jobs.
just get by, me and my little dog.
$1100 a month, and at the end of it all...each month...I do it again..

many days feeling trapped.

why am I trapped?

Well like I said...

I have to walk around in this world...
Pretending
not to be

Heartbroken.

So maybe...the depression,
is a symptom of the hope in me
feeling ever broken...
down
by something,
repeatedly.

Nothing I do,
seems to stop this process.


 worst of it all...
seems to be the headaches...

then the emotions...

then the addictions.

and then, of course, there's people;

We're so good at letting each other down.

the two jobs wears on me like I am  a 90 year old woman.
so do the headaches.

and I have to walk around..
and pretend to not be hopeless...

as I am slugged around
my my own incapacity to cope with this life.

Fail...

fail.

Alone...
is most of what I've known...
in all the times I've needed people the most.

I keep giving...out...

more often than not, collapsing now,
from that.

I thought it was supposed to get easier...

and instead of it getting any easier...
I find more often than not...

I have less and less to give..

especially to myself.

It is a despair I am hoping will pass...
but it is also a long time friend.

Going through life repeating ever so...
"I just need a break...I just need a break"...

I suppose i am blessed
that at least little ones, I know.
little..breaks..away..
thank God.

The disappointments stack...
my soul feels raw and peeled away...

giving up
because even in getting the things I want,

I still have to be "beyond-my-means" tough.

I still have to put on my smile,
and face the world...

attempting to be a light
I just don't know if I always have anymore.

i am

broken...
in it all...

walking around, a zombie, their words raining all over my mind...
while I do this solo walk
all my life,
one more time.

everybody likes to tell us how...or come up with some temporary fix
that has nothing to do with even understanding the challenge.

my coping...
just doesnt seem to be good enough.

my energy and health and time,
I constantly spend beyond my means...

and im tired...
and i put on face in this life...
only to maybe extract the small things regardless

 of the despair
that still and only continues,

to drench my heart.

Try...taking THAT out into the world.

explaining that.
depression and sadness...
because  it is sad...

all the things we ignore...
most of them, atrocities.

so yeah...of course i bare that on my soul.
it doesnt help...that i just happen to be different enough, that understanding seems a true commodity
amidst my peers...and the world.

as is friendship...
and love..
and not constantly having to feel so strong...
while feeling so alone.

its not loneliness....
as much as it is that:

I need a little help sometimes.
everybody does...

and im starting to feel pretty hopeless
baring it all on my own...

like i can't.
like im dying inside.
like i can't keep being the light for a world that will let me give 'til i bleed out all over
the sacrifice
of always trying so hard.

I always, try so hard.

and im just so tired.
and so overwhelmed.
and burdened,
by the lack of support...

because in this collapsing...
all i can do is fall, with no arms to brace me.
and hope as i always do...

that yet again,
i will still get up.

This is my confession.
my deepest truth

an an American girl and artist..
who has suffered probably a fairly typical american life.

broken home.
maybe a star on the rise...
maybe dead by tomorrow.
existence is real.
that is why men before me write and process
what this life has done to them.

why we sing, and create, and paint, and photograph, and love, and eat, and cry, and hide, and deny, and lie, and sleep, and abuse it all off and away.

am i really any different than they?

and I fail to cope so well,
with everything
I do
and do not have.

none of it takes
the pain,
or the heartbreak,
or the difficulty away...

to cope here.

so even with fame...
should it come...

I am least, not stupid enough to think with that...
THIS..
will all go away.

if anything...
maybe i'll collapse.

maybe God will lift me out and see me through.
i just know...
that no matter what happens from here on out...

all I can do...

is all I can
do.

The Capturer: The Take Over

Defeated; sitting 

In all of the feelings of defeat, 

When I think and feel about you...

Her...

Wading through the feelings 

And it's a little ridiculous...

The effect you, Moon..

Have on my currents. 

And as I walk away, 

Out of the wade I took upon your lake and in your shore...

Your arms, from the water, rear up, and wrap my legs and knees- 

You are everywhere...

And the universe is you...

And I am loving you...

Apparently. 

Cruel Jokes;

That's what it feels like with You, 

Oh Universe and All around, 

As the little things stack, 

To mean 

Everything, 

Or nothing at all. 

Are you my cruel joke? 

Loving yet, 

Another thing, 

That can not be?

Or won't?

In my gut, it's began to set, and I eat not food too much, 

Because what? I miss her? No...

Because it is already falling apart...

And in that gut, 

There is you, 

Again, 

Everywhere. 

And I don't even know you, 

I argue with myself. 

And maybe I actually do...

But I really still think I must not...

But the chance provided to...

Has been minimal anyhow...

And too late for games. 

Once the heart has entered the race. 

I forfeit. 

I can't love her... 

Like this. 

And it doesn't feel good anymore; 

Giving my heart away, 

Even if I tried to stop it...

I don't think it ever looked like I tried, but I did..

She just always had that way of driving me crazy anyway...

Anyhow...

And I think...

THAT 

Is that thing we call love. 

The thing that may bind us, 

Whether or whether not...

She could ever be mine, 

She may still make me crazy (for her) 

Against all rations in my mind...

 

Talking to this one...

Is like being cast with charms...

And I go in...

Thinking and ready for one thing, 

And as soon as she opens her mouth...

It's only us. 

Only her. 

Even I, 

Have managed to leave abit...

And our souls take over the foxtrot. 

Yeah...

Loving her is like being possessed a little. 

For sure. 

Something else in me, 

Just takes over...

And I can't...

Nor haven't 

Walked away...

Though, I swear...

I am still trying...

Because Baby...

I feel defeated. 

The Retrieval

I can't imagine what has me so tired. 

I had hit the bowl...but I also slept in til 11-something Am. Tears come on out, as I examine the listlessness, and immediately feel the sadness that lay like an undulating body of lake beneathe. 

Looking upon it, taps the rings and effects the mass...

And this body of water seems to be sadness. 

I suppose yes, I do, have a reason to be sad. Though I scoff at it. 

I suppose yes, it's easier to be "mad"...

But it's only because I am "sad". 

I examine lately...

What ur means to love. 

What the word, Love...even is. In reality...

Not just ours...

And I find myself perplexed 

Save for the fact, 

That so far, what I have gathered, 

Is that "love" as we know it, seems to be this mysterious force

That we allow to govern us against and sometimes with...

Our "considered better judgement". 

I question these things: 

Is it chemical reaction to her? 

And subconscious & conscious programming? Is that all "Love" is? 

And even if that IS, what love is... 

Does that take away from it's enomole or miraclulous nature? 

Is love 

Need? And concern? Longing for? Feeling connection? Missing that when it's not around? 

Is love support? 

And the need for support? 

Is it this thing that makes us irrational? 

And one minute, can be the thing that allows great miracles to over, 

While the next minute...can be the bringer of everything horrid in this world? 

Love makes us Mad...in heart, in spirit...

Like "bonkers" mad. 

Madness of my soul-mind-body. 

I've been sitting here...

Examining my feelings over this..

Maybe because somehow they have finally erupted...

And maybe because I was too stupid to realize I set up home on an active volcano. 

I'm gonna get burned and scortched; that's all my main-line seems to keep taking me back to. 

Without communication...

I notice I do not feel loved. 

Given up. 

Maybe, that's why I rest. 

My sadness, has me, 

A little given up. 

It feels like a broken heart...

But it's all been so soon...

THAT... 

Is why I examine love. 

Because I didn't expect to walk up some of these days...

And feel this. 

These things. 

This way. 

It doesn't feel good 

Like this for me. 

I think now...

I'm just trying to retrieve

What I gave away

Or perhaps...

It was just stolen from me. 

Just Like Me

I'll obsess over you...

My eyes

Over there...

Keep flashing back...

To how she moves..

Where she moves. 

Tears roll down the escape 

Of no place to go. 

They fall, 

With my heart beat thudding...

They fall with the rhythms of my heart flooding...

They fall with some sample of no return, 

Where my heart had ventured to sail. 

I 

Am tired 

Of being On the outside looking in; 

Doing what I said I would not do again...

But I was simply captivated by your every movement...

Even the ones...

That have left 

Me weak...

And with tears.

And of course...

Isn't it just like me...

That you're 

Not here!