Secret Garden

Nothing in the world, once reached out for, 

Will make it you. 

Not the food addictions that I knock down now...

One by one...

Not the mini-compulsions..

Distract..distract...

From the feeling...

I stop

Myself...

And process it 

Within...

And call Mary, my sister 

And my mom...

But I....

Don't call 

You....

Or tell you...

Because I don't want to imagine that you do 

Or don't care...

I don't want to imagine anymore...

If it is pretend.

The tears have me dazed and fogged 

As accounts are scooped up 

And made 

Each passing day.

As I toke up...

And breathe in the fog...

Of walking in-between realms. 

Miss you? 

Like a painter needs a palate. 

Like a canvas marries her colour. 

But I just breathe up 

The clouds...

And watch the time become away with what it becomes. 

Today, it is a broken car window. 

Somedays, It's a broken heart; 

A broken body. 

A death. 

A part (of you). 

Today...

It is a day off...

A day with...

And in my own Garden, I'm revived by the fragrant flowers and love and wonderous imaginings that dwell there...

But, I also...

Dream of seeing your face, 

Just behind 'scaping vines...

Coming through the porthole 

Of the secret garden we share. 

Who ever said it was just mine? 

Some 

Had been previously 

Invited. 

Trace

No trace of you, 

But where you lay...

                     Here

In my memory. 

And I can't imagine 

That you are real...except for the fact

that you are.

I will know of days remembered 

On sun-banks. 

Smelled up and breathed of endless possibility like a dream...

Why so far does it seem

That the dream is always sweeter

That what comes to be?

My memory...

Tastes you tangibly...

But you are gone...

My mind tells me to hold on, but my heart is pushing and impatient. 

Yes...

Impatient. 

Lullabys scrape at night...

As I observe the undertow...

Of what loving someone does...

And does..

To me.

Fields

Take my hand, because I'm running...
can you see it?

Take my hand...because Im running and these fields are calling my name...
but i can't go anywhere without you.
can you feel it?

I give up, child, I do...
to these people and the way they would have our head turn
at any little thing.
opinions turn, love...and they spin...
and won't you..
take my hand..
and we'll run together, not away...
but towards for once,
what do you say?

Can you feel it?

Your freedom,
breathes in rushes of marked escape...
yet you bare your shackles
to execute being your own slave...

but what if i could
just take your hand...
and let us run into Heaven...
fields and field's
of us,
and music,
and sun,
and love...
and freedom being breathed up,
like flower songs.

and trips deep...
some high...
some just deep
where perhaps therein dwells
this You and I...

so wont you...
take my hand...
and let us run free
towards what we both see..

it is our life anyway...
they only can't see...
because they do not look through the eyes we fathom with, Dear.

But the world to me...Her field's....
they call...
because it is OUR world, love.
so won't you take my hand...and I'll keep your heart...just a few..
or until you...
may want to leave.
but just a fair warning, dearest...
you may never want to.

and so let us run together...
let us make
what calls to us.
let us make.
that life that beckons ours souls forward.

The Wave

I drink 

In honor of you...

And their words and their lips may pierce... 

But when have we let that ever matter 

Between hearts. 

Ears listen, perked...

But I ride the wave, 

That came crashing in...

I ride it out as only one can...

Or take it not at all.

Sit and let it drift? 

How could I? 

It's not just any day, 

A wave like this, 

Comes crashing my shoreline. 

Are we theives? 

Not we have adult capability to speak it out?! 

I am no theif, 

But indeed you make me...

Crooked. 

Criminal.

The way I like it. 

Til Death takes 

What we could never give over life anyways: 

A perfect illusion 

Of what it all should have looked like. 

I say, fuck that! 

Ride me! All the way home! 

Sunset...

Dawn after dawn 

And all...

I don't need what they think I need...

And I can ride it 'til it all breaks. 

So yeah...

I drink in honor of you! 

And maybe even us...

And all the riding we do! 

The way we break, to bare, for others...

And neglect ourselves..

And need love that is usually so broken, 

Love is still foreign...

Though not...

Because in me, I love, and can...

I drink...

To what will change...

All for the better. 

Thanking in my breathing moments...

The time, 

That I am not in pain...

Or that my freedom may still be exercised..

Or that I may experience feelings of love, and life, and joy, and inspiration; guidance. 

I follow the dancing moonbeam; the stars...where they travel to. 

That is what I do. 

And it is experiential, where I dwell...

Some alpha state as they say, 

Nay. 

I hear the whispers...

But they couldn't be further from the truth...

The Sea

In the things I see...

Well yes....

Of course there is you....

But also... 

 

In these things...

There are eyes and true believers...

There is a peace that circumnavigates, 

Like a low buzz that veins through 

ALL, (yes ALL) 

Of life. 

In the things I see, 

The memory of gratitude fades often, 

Like a continuous dimming light...

And when it is blown, 

It flickers, 

And dances once again, 

Reminding us...

It gleams on.

I lose my soul often during the day, though I say I don't- 

Dealing with the world, and it's dismay, 

All while seeking to "find" myself. 

And little ships that come, 

To rock my mighty sea, 

Do indeed, stir my undercurrents. 

I pause often, 

War enough with myself...

 

To let them pass, and pass by me...

These tiny ships. 

Some of them like to stay

The Fence

Summer Love...

I breathe you up and in me...

I take your hands 

And graze your finger length to their nails, 

And feel the softness of it all, 

Like electricity.

I let the storm clouds contain you, 

And try not...

Dare not...

Myself...

To contain you...

Yet...

Somewhere underneathe, as I, your are a pixie in my palm...

Ever with me, tinkering...

Laughing...

And that's all it is. 

(Well not all)...

And it's okay...

I say...

As my heart breaks, 

And I wonder what it is that bites me to notice. 

I wonder...indeed little Tink..

What I might be missing. 

Their words stir, in whispers about...

And I am remembered how...

Oh, you can never stop mouth from its flame....

So, 

I won't try. 

Neither 

Will I...

Raust myself about, whether or not to do what comes so naturally. 

I try building fence...you come around, and I put it down

I try building sense...

You come around, and make it loud...

And secumb, in me, my "sixth" sense. 

"Charmed, mi lady...charmed". 

I put it down...

Pick the tools back up...

See your walk and forget...

What I was talking about...

Charmed, til tools are shed...

And the fence, remains, 

In scattered 2x4's and irrelevant plans.

The site's been abandoned. 

And I wonder...

Where have they gone...? 

The Capturer: Jolted Awake

Wide Shut. 

Wide open- 

I smoke to ease the this that almost hurts in my chest...

You ever get "that morning anxiety?" 

The kind you wake up to and you're like 

"What the fuck?!!" 

The kind that hurts and knocks you awake...

And like a dog trying to communicate to you what it wants 

(Or needs for that matter) 

It's like "ah! OKAY! I'm awake!!"...

I notice my throat is swollen. 

Think to myself, "just keep taking the Chinese herbs, and see it through to the end of the bottle..

It's the "Golden Voice" formula. 

I think to myself, "better take some of the cough syrup" (I just bought from "them" too)...

The smoke seems to ease the riot reeking odd havoc in my chest...

But not so either... 

As I feel it in and out. 

I know there's a "shit ton" of things I wanted to do this morning...

But...

My mind can't really make sense of that now that my focus has shifted as my body-feeling shifts. 

I guess, I write, 

Because I want to see...

Understand....

Take that small moment out to be like, 

"No really!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?"

Heh. 

So...

As I write believe it or not, I gain grasp. 

I choose one word, each word, 

Out of millions...

Just as I do 

With identy..

Or life...

Or choice. 

And so now as a laugh (at myself) "HA! It all comes down to CHOICE....", 

I wonder if I got the answer I need...

Or If simply today, more will come...

Or if simply, 

I can choose, 

And it will all go away. 

A sore throat. A rott stomach. 

Pain in my "wings area"....

And smiling...

I remember simply....

That I decided to do some Reiki...

To help...

The Sit

I'm seeing a different vision now; 

A different VERSION now...

As I sit back on my hot bed, 

And listen to the birds vibrantly twitter away outside my window. 

I absorb, the quiet of my mind, 

And the surround-sound-

No TV. 

Genki passed out beside me;

I am quiet with absorb, 

Though Loud all at once. 

Peaceful with watchfulness, 

Though screaming underneath. 

I watch THAT too...

Absorbing. 

And the vision is different now...

Version different. 

As the peace around me, forms matter into movements, and movements into matter. 

As the life around me, goes on, but invites me to go on with it. 

As nature finds her way through, to prevail, so will I...

And no...I don't know who it will be that comes along, but I bend flexibly 

As though it is all a dance anyways. 

My thoughts and wants sometimes crowd within me....

I rest them down, 

And watch her. 

I am beginning to fall in love...

And beginning to fall in love with life...

Though she is curtailing me with fears as I endeavor into these mild drifts and steady paces...

That just as well 

Rush fast. 

Fear tries to catch up, 

But I ride my driftwood, almost sailing away, and "riding the wave"...

Because there is no use, 

In fear anymore. 

And THAT's where, 

The Different version...

This new vision...that I rest and play in...

Comes into "play". 

 

It is a mode, I adjust to "shapeshift", 

But the skin fits me funny and I am trying to get used to 

Our pace... 

Nature and I. She...and I...

Used to The Vortex's say so 

On matters like this; time. 

That is ALL life is...

Time. 

So I sit...

In this time...

And absorb the thoughts crowded but bearable...

The notions underneath but scarcely seen...

The feelings of all and both those things...

And I drift gently, after paddling all day. 

I have found a spot of shade. 

A place to rest. 

As the Island, She is my arms. 

The Tree , She is my Shade, and therefore Life & Protection...

And here, I rest. 

Each day goes by...

And more and more, I feel I am on my river again...an Elf-ling version of HuckFinn..

And that is because with Life...She & I celebrate and dance the dance we do...

I absorb Her in the moonlight...

Mood-light

And the night sky with stars abound, where too, 

I dance, and play...

And Dwell. 

One breath..of absorb... 

In my breezy nights...

Followed by one breath 

And one breath

And one breath more...

As another 

And another, 

Become an entire life

Lived. 

And so I take another...

And watch...

The absorb..

In and out...

Like a dynamic Orb- we can never be solely one. 

In to receive, reserve, rest, look, dell..feel, absorb, be...

Out to exert, enforce, create...inspire, teach..show..be..

But we can never be one soley. 

Souly.

And here...little Earth..

I dwell with thee...

In thee...

And upon thee...

As I love thee

Back..

For loving me. 

And Shading me...

So that I too...

Might take MY moments...

To observe and absorb thee. 

This is why I cry for you...

For what we have all done...

And why I cry for myself, 

And our world alike....

But Oh, Dear Vortex...

How you lift me up and serve me with the sight to re-see... 

Your Time. 

Life in you. 

Through you... 

On your time...

And THAT, 

Is a reverent sight! 

So I sit...

And I take a breath, 

And I catch you once more...

In just another way...

That I have never seen you before...

And it is only more Beautiful... 

As ever...

Enough to Die...

Knowing I'd seen 

The Light. 

To My Sky, 

My Moon, 

My Tree, 

My Island..

And Me...

To My Stars...

And My Heart

And The Eyes You've given me to see (with) 

I may absorb, 

But I here now, tear, 

As she in me cries

At the magnitude 

Of what it all feels like- The Divine Spectrum...

Falling into, 

And in and out of revering grace...

To absorbed emotion..

For...

I guess it is many a place my soul "hath" been...

And yes...much more of it treacherous 

Than not...

Tears 

Grow our trees again. 

I cry giving you back Life, My Love...

And together we make a new Earth... 

Young and Reborn...

Grown over with vining bright life, once again. 

I dance under Our Moonlight, and Chant the old songs of our kind. 

I feel free again... 

And the Vortex, she moves me. 

Moves in me. 

And sometimes, 

Even with me. 

I absorb....

Then...

I dance my Rain Songs

The Clipped-Winged Dove

I woke up to images of your face. 

Your starbright eyes smiling at me...

Everything risked..

But the morning is bright...

And tossing, 

To my sleepy sight

You came in and out like a dream...

Images...and images 

Of everything 

It has taken for me to absorb you...

Your starbright eyes...

Smiling hiddenly back before me. 

And why it feels like a secret 

Even to us. 

Yes...

I do believe I love you little girl...

Yes....

I do see how I just must. 

All curled up...

In everything you choose to give...

And choose to give to

me...

..for now. 

For now. 

My mind shifts and weaves in disbelief, 

"No it can't be, u foolish thing"...

But mended, 

There you bind me. 

Even though little one, how YOU 

Are the one with the clipped wing; my dove. 

My Dove. 

Dear Love. 

The Perfect

It is better when you are a distant memory, 

And not in my face. 

My head had wilted upon occasion 

And even cried. 

My sensitive pedals to the hot & dry, 

The ice and cold...

The warm and told. 

Better somehow 

That I am fond of your from this warm place...

Before I freeze over from resisting 

What is not given....over- 

A perfect breeze.