Driftwood

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Show me the sweeping passages

Bury me under yards deep of packed clay

Because that might as well be where I stay

Feeling this way..

My rapture has come and forbade me;

Come and stolen away from me...

Come and snatched up

The air in the night

And all that's left is little life

All that's left is little life...

Each day is a veiled illusion; a test

To pass or not pass,

A lie that rubs me so I can see...

Each day,

I see

And sweep away the life in me...

Right under the rug..

Who is my power? My me?

Not so much the girl I used to be...

Not so inclined now-a-days

To laugh without a fight...

Because the fight is all I got left..

Drift Wood...

That's all I am,

I am a piece of driftwood;

Lonely,

And buried,

At sea...

A still dying

“Annabelle Lee”...

Sweet Love

Sweet love
And how it sweeps
And how it depletes
And how i look into the eyes of new love
And see my own's defeat.

And then there's THAT underneath..
cynicism.
And how a love so sweet
Can become like rotting teeth.

Watching the joy slipping away
Now it's just barren...

I await, a return someday
Almost crazed and lost in time..

Looking over, and seeing  the love just isn't there anymore...
It isn't what it was...

But still I await a sobbing mess
Everytime I mistake a glint of it still left...
...no...
no.., not left..
not really...

All that is really is I,
here,
alone to myself and god once again
even though there are two in this bed...
And i have to be strong here
And see what is meant to be
And not what i want a day more.

No...

But my feet are weak,
My heart tons heavy,
My mass, a dying mess...

For in the words of a wise friend today,
I finally got permission to mourn this death...

No labels or fears of how i'll be seen;
A mess of sorts is my right to claim.

A mourning time
"where too, plans must be made...
but you cry it out" he said
Understanding "the" ways...

And somehow the sun peaked
And a crack opened to this house
And the darkness that smothered like daunting death
is suddenly seeping through the window on out...

I am a wife,
a lover,
a mother,
a twin...

and growing, im seeing,
that I can't control love's spin...

Can't make it return,
or force understanding to reside...
Can't enable compassion,
If there's not a willingness inside...

Can't speak to be heard,
when hearing is not understood,
Can't force my love to return,
When it's become such a malnourishing "no good"...

There's so much I'd do,
and indeed that is what Ive done...
It is time for a new move..
A far more permanent one.

For enough i do know,
That Love is not truly lost...
a cynic in my time at hand
Is also a moment I'll pass.

My love will return....in a taller light than before
And i know i must just believe..
Because there is life yet in moving forward...

Sweet love...
My love...
And how i never wanted to let you go...
I see now, the only love,
Is to heed the passing flow...

In Dedication: To Kyra M. Anderson...
Thank you for your Namaste.

A Whole New World

Not expecting anything..

Watching the film of victim play black and white out these projecting lens,

Seeing sides of me; history

Unravel against the walls of this helled-up cube...

I know what they say,

But I know there's another way

And it's a'winding, winding an inconspicuous tune

A-jarring

Door into a whole

New

World...

The Island

"Take it away" howls the under breath in whispers

"Caress my hair back, and shed this pain from my brow,
my being"

the torchered squeezing, the air being parched up

as though life is the sponge,

and I am merely the dying innocent...

playing my role,

getting caught up in the war between humanity

and Mother Earth.

I am a mutt,

or hybrid,

Of both race,

Equally guilty, muddy,

Dirtied by the blood on every hand and yet

"Some" of it is of God"...

God

Does

War....

And yet

God

Is

Love.

...Like I said,

Caress me...

Take it away...

the blood,

the pain,

The dying innocent...

Kiss me sweet, the Kiss of Life...

Shed your Light, and break me free from this corner of darkness

On this side of the world,

On this side of the war...

I am suffocating!

The breath being squeezed out of me, the point so much less clear when breath and life are seconds haunting you...

You haunt me

At any given moment,

Soaking it, squeezing it up,

Taking it...

Mother, Ma, Ky, Am, A....

You haunt me like piano keys playing life,

Following, bumbling

The tune of emotion,

the pain,

the chase,

The understanding...

And everything mysterious that follows.

Under my Love Tree,

I stand alook at the colossal branches,

Charred and black as though Fire has taken them only to their last breath.

It is me...

The death in me

The left over in me...

The Pheonix.

The Suffocate.

I know what I am seeing

Is my death.

Dark, deep, scary...

Alone.

After all the days of watering...

After so many seasons of rain and shine,

Flowers and life...

I stand here alone...

In the dark,

As if it all just got up and moved a pasture away...

Here the moon barely resides to light any land

And it is cold as it is blazing...

Chilling and numbing the life out our our bodies.

My Tree of Light,

Tree of Life

Tree of Love...

Something is happening to us.

Something coming...

And something meant to be.

Something is happening to you and me.

So I'll sit here,

And let it be.

Sit here under my dying tree.

Sit here in the death, the charred,

And wait...

Wait to...

Just wait...

Wait to see if the ashes will rise...

If there is still something beneath...

If there is still life left..

If there is life yet.

The Difference

She threw herself to the ground, threw her arms around my legs and cried, 

"I don't wanna be mean to you anymore"...

Isn't it strange how one moment we wait for, for eternity

Can make every difference in the world...

Each difference, a miracle

Each moment, never an opportunity lost.

What is love if not another opportunity given?

A freedom we do not know how to give...

A grace that we feel we've fallen far from...

I do not wish to play in this game anymore!

The game of condition, the illusion of "love"...

The game of you be and do as I wish because this is "Us"...

I do not wish to worry anymore about what any of it means to anyone else,

For the eyes of love can be a difficult perception to come by!

Well here's the truth, Maria Mahealani...

I love you!
I love you beyond reasonability and full well into faith...

I love you for everything you can be that is good and forgive everything in you that you struggle with,
Because you have showed this to me...

A better way to love.

I accept everything in you that is human, for I see now,
Everything that hurts in you, is mine...

I love you because if not you deserving to be loved greatly, you deserve even more to be loved greatly by the person you would long to be loved by the most...

In depth.

I love you because love is a miracle you keep showing me the path to...

In the oddest ways,
In ways more revealing of God than even imagined...

I love you because you reveal to me that the path of God

However far it seems from grace...

But that too, is just the devil's play...

The eternal lie...

And not love at all...

For grace...

Is The All...

Just as we are...

And this is why, Mahealani...

I keep loving you....

Because I love myself!

Because I know...we both deserve somebody taking a chance on the other.

I love you because to do so the RIGHT way,

Is my kharmic destiny.

Soldier Lost

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Why hath hate consumed your heart?

Enough to push, push, no more...

Until I am here no more..

What is it that you run from if not I?

For I know I is what your think,

But I

Am only a mirror, a drink...

A drug, an illussion

To your inner being,

So I ask you again

What is it that you run from,

if not I?

And it is not I,

For I would never leave, unless commanded..

I would never leave because I judge...

But you did...

so why?

What are you so afraid of?

Why would you be so weak?

Have you forgotten the breath of you? Of me?

Why be afraid? If possible there's not much left to live?

Goodbye dear friend,

Until again...

I bid you as they are your answers

to give..

Rapture Days

BEAT! BEAT!

I want your blood on me; enrapture.

Your tomb on me, engorge...

Naked body and never say nevers.

As the painted red over me pours.

I won't take no for an answer,

No not in the fantasy of my mind

I'm a sick fuck, on a sick ride,

And I'd like to consume your rhyme.

Not a hard task

When tales as ours weaves,

But my indulges live in the sweet images

of our not so reality.

For too much to bear, history a snare

And as much as I'd love to engage,

there's only one way, and it's not today

So in your tomb to me, we'll remain

Incompatibility,

The death of our lifetime love,

Doesn't mean that forever

Is ever a life time enough...

(With your love..)

You bring out passages in me,

And sweet withdraws by the river,

And next to me there,

We will always care

As the moon descends unto another.

Bodies of Water

Who Am I,
But somebody to love?! Somebody to burn like the sun
And link every soul together
With the miracle of my ray?

Who am I that gets caught? Snagged in the web
the veil,
the illusion?

What is it in me?

That doesn't understand
But seeks to...

That becomes snared by emotions I thought I knew?...

But this "bearer" has forgotten her ancient old past-time..

And how it has slipped through my view, i don't know
But

I forgot..
That you can not control the Earth,
nor her ways.

The bodies move in me, as emotions to water

And I watch, and feel as a boat being rocked to the chanting current.

With not much to say,
I remember who I am in glimpses.

Attempting to understand the meaning of love, as it is meant

So as to dis-label the casualties of it's affairs.

So as to put it in it's place, not for the airiness with which it is used,
But it's got me wondering,
Is that one of it's qualities too?

Does it embody Water, Earth, Fire, and Air...Is it as influx and ever-changing as I have ever used it?

Can it be classified by boundaries, simplicities, "compartments"?
Or is it the hurricane that never spells
The wind, we never see, but do..
The fire that breaks molds,
The Earth that allows the molds to exist...

I get it..
I get why me must love the way we do...

Understanding love as it is..

Is a great
Responsibility..

A responsibility that brings all romantics
To their battleground.

Ignitions

Ignitions.  Sparks! Sparks!
Bursts of light coming to fruition...
 Pops. Gasps. Breaths!

My skin itches, twitches,
Subtle undergrowths,
Light, warm,
Like the blossoms of seed and spring..


Elated..dragged but floating
Toiling,
The subtle undergrowth..
...Toiling.

Can't get the flowers out of my head..can't get the blossoming of life's witnessing
From my mind.

Can't get the mystic coach from out of this whind...
Shuttters like shivers in my blood..
A body confused.

I know the Spring feels it too..

Stirring Nights

Won't pretend to be sterile,
As the fragile of me steeps within
Weathering rains, leathery pains,

Make it tight to digest the within.

My well as a wading tide
Holds moons that channel my deep
Stirring aroar, unto a thundery shore
Are the prophecies we have yet to weep

The understood has rarely been played
But by the few who have become well famed
And yet the glimpse is in the weak
An ultimate of the well claimed dame.

Then

"Let her speak and cry, and bemoan to the world as she would
For she has been wronged and cries out to Mom, the Goddess of all Motherhood."

This is me,
Never deep,as yet tho never narrow
I arrive the shadow of all game

A stirring flame; a rivalrie's pain
Keeps the dark a flame

Mysteries deep
Like the willowy creek
As the vein of her pulse runs through

Never a pain, nor a gain,

If there's never a gamble to do.

What I don't wanna say

For all the places I feel I have to be appropriate, this is not one.  I am sick of holding these images in, these art galleries that scream of refuge and pain.  I am sick of going numb to the battle wounds, feeling each time, everything's still the same.  Sick of feeling disempowered, and just wondering what is is that I have to do to get the life back in me and breathing...not to be numb, and not to feel hopeless.

What triggered me tonight was her "taking away what was mine."  I hated her for it...For "doing this to me again"...

I am so afraid.  So afraid to fail and to start anew.  So afraid to owe people, and to risk money.  So afraid to pull Kyra into it...So afraid of myself.  I am so afraid of what all the kharma means, and so afraid of lack of my own power and self dicipline.

Morning Pages 9/6/10

I started this blog page so that I could get back in touch with my spirit, and the things in my body that I feel, maybe even fear, I have been becoming detached from...or in some cases, too attached to. 

Some days, I try to shut the voices in my head out, by not paying attention to them because they are too negative for my own good.  Other days, I try hard to pay attention to them and how i am feeling as to make sure I am still listening to myself...It is somewhere within this principle that i have gotten far away from my roots of writing; staying away from it so as to not become too self indulged or self righteous enough to think that anything i have to write, ought to be read....

But it's not really about that, is it?

I don't so much know where to begin except to say that I am beginning this writing with the notion that it is something i need to do, to remember to find the things out about myself, that I might be afraid to see.  I am writing it, as well, to create for myself the balance I feel that I am missing.

I am presently in a relationship with my third girlfriend officially.  I am happy overall, and satisfied most days, and that is my truth.  Without a "but" being placed in, currently, i am seeing how my patience is being tested.  Even in moments how I find myself weak for having to keep someone afloat in ways for her own good.  I am tested.  Tired.  Roughed up from my own breaks and falls, and now getting to be the main guiding force for somebody who is so powerful and yet so "not there yet".  I wonder in times like this when it will ease for her understanding...

And scatter thoughts of how i still have my show this week, but i'm trying not to stress it tho it's looming in the back of my heart.  I think i can take the pressure from life; work, Kiki, CBC, my goals, and my health....but it doesn't mean it too is not a struggle that doesn't make me second guess my own strength.  My own ability.

I am tired now.  Tired from the conversation with Ki, and tired from not knowing how to explain it to her.  I want to go to bed but not before i finish this.  I have to open for a 4:30am shift tomorrow, and call back for a potential interview with an old boss (funny story, maybe you'll get it next time :), not to mention, make it to a doctor's appt. tomorrow and work on my routine if can.  I hope i do all such things and make it the day I want/need.

I am worried my dream will slip away from me or that it will never get easier.  I sincerely hope I am wrong.  My debut for CBC is Sept. 11th, also the day of Ki's Bday.  It's a big day for me that i am trying not to make a big deal out of (but am;)...

Anyways, time for bed me tired.

No can no more.