My soul can probably feel it; a big BOOM coming. It started with a deep sadness....a sadness that I do not want to feel. Followed by slight exhaustion and overwhelm of the body. Now it is an angst. And that leads me to believe that my body is gearing up for the BIG BOOM from him. It usually is never this easy. Perhaps I know the fallout is coming or will be on my front porch.
I hope I am wrong. But he is drinking himself into psychosis it seems... and he is angry. He can and will be extremely volatile at any point. And although unfair, I will probably be the one taking all the fallout.
I don't look forward to this. This breaking of his heart; this watching him break his own. It is truly and purely tragic, and I am factually worried about him. I do not know what has happened. But apparently I am not the only one who thinks he got worse somehow. Even his mother mentioned him having a demon, and Mary and I already discussed it based on all the events and his behaviors.
It saddened me so deeply to see the state of the apartment. To know his state in that moment. To see what he did to his truck. To see what he is doing to himself.
I provided so many outs. But my heart is breaking all over again in a way I have never felt before. It is breaking as I watch him break. I never wanted that for him. I tried to do everything in my power to love him; to be the best person possible considering. I stayed....for sooooo long. Longer than I have stayed with anyone. I tried. I gave him the chances to fix himself up, to do better. I supported him when he was fucking up, and still drinking everyday; when he was hurting me. I even had faith in him to get there.... to a place where we would figure it out and make it work.
But it just didn't stop and it just kept getting worse. I tried to warn him. To tell him he is losing me...but he refused to hear me out.
and I saw so many opportunities given him, squandered. Drunkin' into the night. The business neglected until he stopped it. The living off of him mother's money. The debt. The accidents. The injuries. The loss of my good credit and bank account. Potentially the loss of my car.
And through it all, I know I have the strength to keep going and deal with each issue at a time. I will just knock it out all day to day, because I have no choice and so much needs to get done.
But him...
I Worry for him. I am scared for him. He is not doing well. And I can not be the one to save him any longer, as he has just been taking me so far down with him. The tragedy rests on my chest; a medium pressure at my heart. Tears in my eyes...because THIS IS sad! It is so fucking sad! Perhaps though...
He will pass through this storm and recoup.
I love him too much to see him do this to himself. And to let him do it to me any longer.
I hold tight inside at the angst of the storm that is likely to inevitably befall upon me. His wrath. The abuse. The neighbors hearing; looking...at all the yelling and drama. The threats to call the cops...and hopefully perhaps then, he will leave.
Until then... he has drunken himself into a stupor, too many days now to even know, or remember. I fear what may be coming, as I just need the space away now.
It does not feel good to be run out of your home. To be threatened or verbally abused while you pack. To barely know which few things to grab, when your whole life is there...including the cats.
Sure. We are in limbo now. But because I am stuck here, and he there, with all our things interlaced in that apartment.
Because he has been drinking since I left, and my only option is evasion at present.
And I'm fine with that. Fine with it all, as I see this is just the tower crumbling, as predicted...
And I just have to let the pieces fall where they may.
Slowly, I had begun to let the yarn unravel. It started with me being honest with the people in our lives about his drinking. That was about a year ago.
I think then after our anniversary, I started then to purge. I needed to write. I needed to deal with it all- all the repression...all the things I needed to understand and have come to light.
And I did. I just purged, and wrote, and repeated that. I listened to Oracle readings and heard nicer things said to me than I had heard in a long time...from complete strangers. I went into a long stasis of healing process'.
And then I emerged.
And when I did...I knew there was no going back to what I was before. There could be no going back to that life, and there would be, no making it work with him. And this was a sad conclusion, to silently hold onto, while I tried to talk to him and still fight for the relationship. But I guess in that way, he made it easy...because he stopped listening to me anyways. Stopped caring about work long ago. Showed no intention of trying to make me happy emotionally. It's like he couldn't and wouldn't understand somehow. Like there was a block.
I can only assume the block was that he didn't want to stop drinking. But it became more than that. Compounded things un-named. Unmitigated anger and control. Verbal cruelty that knew no civility, time, or place (not that there is one). I still don't know what to make of it. But it deeply saddens me. As if watching a death.
Like I said... I can only hope he will recoup from this. I worry for him. I AM worried for him.
As for me... I have my mother to look after now.
And all I can do is take this all one day at a time, while I myself recoup.
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