You are my happy place.
The existence I visit
since my death.
I imagine your grin in my memory
Your smiling eyes.... intently upon me
The sensation of your touch...
What it would feel like,
Against my skin....
For more than just mere seconds at a time.
I have withdrawn to this sanctuary...
This time-space of old romance unrivaled,
and raw,
and completely preposterous...
but when I am in a good place,
I find myself, of it,
Laughing and grinning...
Because it is...indeed
Preposterous...
and yet, does that make it,
Any less real?
I have no place to go for my peace.
It has been cut off from me,
In Narcissistic siphoning,
and promises unrecognizable,
Since they're shattering.
My mind is a mess,
A struggle everyday to keep defogged,
Bleeding profusely, while the ones I love and serve
Can't even notice the blood soaked bandage clenched in my fists;
Demands of incessant attention and meals...
Zero help cleaning...
Taking care of two children...
I have never given birth to.
My life has become a minefield
Set trap for me, by the demons that have long fed off the torment they could get other's to commit.
and I....I started to resist again.
Resist that I had to accept this....
From any other,
But my mother,
Whose karma of course, is souly bound to me...
and how I serve here now,
In these final years...
Regardless of what had been,
And what still hurts...
Between us two...
How I serve HER... that is a part of my responsibility now.
So you see....you...
The sweet memory of our dalliances cut cosmically short...
The mistakes you made...
The wrong turns I took...
They sit soundly now in me...
Having pieced it all together,
This puzzle that cost me a decade of energy.
I never doubted you could love me...
Because you did.
I never doubted you could show me,
Even though you ran and sanctioned
an all out burning.
I never forgot certain things.
and I knew we didn't end because you did not care,
But rather because you cared too much.
Perhaps even,
A last ditch effort to protect me,
From yourself.
I can admit now, my love, that in that,
You were not wrong.
And what has been has led us here.
Here,
Where I have felt you haunting and stirring in me, all I have attempted to bury of you...
and to no avail.
You of all people, whom I should despise...
I forgave long ago....
Because perhaps I could see you too closely;
Because perhaps, I understood the pain you were in.
Because perhaps, I understood too much,
Even through your attempts to blind me.
I saw through it.
But back then,
I could change nothing.
Back then...
I could not get through to you.
And now, My Love....
It is not the same anymore is it?
Something has since changed perhaps...
Since he took me to you?
and the universe has such odd ways does it not?
I had been dying again...
For too many years...
Under his Vision;
Slowly cut off and undermined
Of everything I ever loved.
Taking you from me,
Was his first offense; an offense I fear Karma has now taken the reigns of.
And my heart...
It did so much breaking,
So that the last of that broken girl...
Could die to the life she was willing to settle for.
Since then...
I have lived elsewhere.
In a realm of dreams and trauma-induced dissassociations.
In a place of the only peace that would call to me...
a web of psychics, and healing, and spiritual growth...
Because the only other choice
was to give up n Who I AM
but God did not give in me, any such capability...
As my heart is fierce with righteous rebellion;
and I knew deep within,
That I would be dishonoring a path long cherished and laid out before me...
to remain here... next to him...should I stay;
Where I was growing exponentially out of the mud that had bound me.
No....
I induced this growth out of his abandon..
and I knew then...
That it is not something I can refrain from.
and in this time...
This interim between...
Then, and now...
How you have been my sanctuary.
Not your faults, or the any real detriments you struggle with....
But your light.
The in-betweens that slipped through,
Of your smiles,
And your eyes. Your kindness, and your mind. The time or two you put a hand on me,
Or a hug,
Or a slipped "I love you".
The promise of everything we wanted to get into, but never did;
Your sweetness impressed upon me, through every and any mean thing committed...
Because through it all...
I could too clearly see you...
I could too clearly, feel you...
and it giddied my soul...
The magnetism found between you and I.
No...
I imagine it was far from over then...
Anymore than the tugging on my mind and soul, have finished now.
and it is a confession.
A confession of a love never given up hope on.
A confession of a sweet fondness that I revel in,
When I think about
Us in bed...finally able to feel safe to take in the existence of the other.
Finally able to touch skin to skin...
and pick up not where we left off..
But where we never parted from.
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