-the affair of love
And emotions.
The love of oneself seems to be our only relationship...
I struggle with mine.
As my feelings flood,
I recall yesterday's reading:
"Our feelings are our emotional guidance system".
Makes me think...
I should stop shoving mine down.
"Take what's right in front of you- take it for face value"...
Just more words and notions I'm reminded of right now.
It is sweltering outside for 10 O' Clock in the morning...
And I am almost dying on this busstop and black work attire.
My soul and mind are tired.
My heart a sad chaos, thumping and pumping disappointments.
The face I put on everyday
Wears me thin...
Working so hard to keep such a peaceful life,
Panics me,
When the peace looks like old blood stains.
I think about so many...
The faces I've seen, and known, and loved...
And by far the greatest to me
Has been Genki.
And maybe me.
The word "perpetrator" runs through my head...
As the lies stack...
And the walls grow layers.
As yesterday becomes tomorrow,
And I, struggle so,
With both.
The illusion...
I don't really know what it is.
I know it is enveloping our many philosophy and thoughts...
I know we breed it in our DNA..
But,
I miss home.
I miss not being listed in the body of these affairs...
And crave, so crave...
Turning back.
How,
May I make it all less matter?
How do flip,
From the pain, to The Creator within?
The illusion,
I imagine,
Is merely our desperation
(& Seperation)
Between Creator & Self.
Between Power,
And none.
And as I walk the path I have chosen,
The once populated path,
Has no trail below now,
And I am often fretting through creeky branches and panicking as though in a nightmare,
That in moments now,
I will be lost...
And the way will be lost to me.
Confessions:
I hate working for other people. It drains and stresses me, and how so, I do have to put on face.
Confessions:
I AM tired nearly everyday.
And no life at all seems better
Than the body of these affairs.
I have remained tired all my life.
Confessions:
Not many you grow up with will actually support you in your becoming.
I was taught to "look humble"...to be humble as well...but "to look" and "appear" to be humble...
As an important matter of presentation.
In my Spiritual philosophy, we are taught to go big or go home!
WTF else am I here for if not to just and solely suffer?! Fck that! I know why I am here! And it is a hard mission! I really screwed myself this time around...
But, the point is...I believe in the philosophy: "know thyself"!
Do I, know thyself?!
In certain ways...freakish, and questioned...
Yeah...I do!
Looks like I do after-all.
So suppose a girl was born with a "gift"- a gift of intuition. and suppose that girl had many signs along the way that she is indeed an "Earth Angel" as termed in today's Western Spiritual colloquialism.
Does she run from that?
Or ought she to embody it instead?
Humble?
Humble is for the very aware, and even then,
Tends to borderline egoism anyways in all it's righteous usage.
Confession:
I am tired of being humble and gracious, and sweet all the time.
I enjoyed curling up on summer mornings to no work, and a book and coffee,
And a yet-to-be-determined schedule for the day.
My business was better than ever with only care into myself, not it!
....I am tired...
...of being so tired...
I know I am not the only one!
God Bless People!
Go big, or go home!
#unapologetic
#beautyonly
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