For a long time.
Would it surprise me to end up here?
Alone, visions of my hand smearing black against the wall,
Just to relieve my pain?
The apartment,
Cold again.
Inside me,
The same Hell..
The mirror imaging
That its all
My fault.
I do not know how to go back
And undo love,
Or re-do what once was,
Or could be...
Don't know how to rewind,
And re-record.
I don't think going back could have made her love me more-
Could have made me see even if she had.
Don't think,
I have loved myself enough to get back
What I never had here,
On earth.
This time.
Don't know if to rewind,
I wouldn't have made the same "mistakes"...
That's what we call them anyway, consciously and subconsciously.
I've smoked it away
And buried my own soul
Is the running away-from.
I don't know where to go,
When it's not safe
Within my own skin..
And I've traveled across seas,
And back again,
Explored territories,
But still,
History repeats.
My love is insane. My mind. Insane with sadness.
Insane with agony
And heart pain.
With my ancestors tears in DNA..
Soaking up,
This life..
And all it's...
..life...
I keep crying out.
And the hole remains so infinitely mirrored with only magnifying glasses
On everything I've hoped to get away from.
It is only me, and my output.
And it is tragic,
To fall so many times
To my knees alone...
The angels always reaching down, and me, still looking around,
For familiar faces that don't see me.
I could die, here and now, from such a lonely bullshit journey.
But I don't. I keep going. Crying out for help,
Reaching peaks,
And diving right off of them.
I hate this world.
Maybe that's my problem.
But how could one try to be so good, and fall so endlessly short?
Then weak?
Then breathless?
Still make it by,
Then have to do it all over again?!
All I wanted
Was to love and be loved.
The lesson I'm trying to hold onto?
: "it's not over yet"...
"The greatest gift you can give to oneself, is to love thyself. It is also the hardest gift you will ever give or receive in this life."
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