Tap-Tap

Breath in.
Sign out.
Tap tap, tap tap..

I'm tired.
8am. Tap tap.
And I'm craving coffee for days-
Security,
For days, tap tap.

So I write- tap.
And I get to see my dad today.
And work all weekend.
And hopefully keep my place, tap tap..
Otherwise it's out!
Gotta pack up my shit and leave, tap tap.
The chest pains, eccentric the past two days, tap..
Exhaustion, tap tap..
Exhaustion.
Want to let it all fall away, tap..
Leave it all behind.
Leave it all behind, tap tap

As Oneself

Who will you please,
When there's nobody home?
4:44 now..
The clock reads 4:44, just long enough for me to see.
Hands reaching out,
Gathering the debris...
What will I do,
Now that there's nobody to please?

Leaving the house another day,
I managed to scrape a few things away.
Then early morning rise,
And tap-tap my life away,
Before I clean the rest
And pack for Dad's..
And leave.

Coffee now, and family.
Love, love, love..
And memories.
Remember the last Christmas I spent here..
And...yea...
Lol. And sigh.
I remember that time.

Letting it go now,
And trying to find a way through
And back into love.

Choices.

Themis

Power.
I sit, beautiful dog, resting his trustful-nuzzled snout over my arm.
He is bundled tightly by his own body,
And he loves
"Mommy"..

Power.
And weighing.
As I sit, and remember that vision of a notion,
I see myself holding both hands up-
The invisible scale of the Divine
Sitting w/ Themis
Looking out,
Weighing Notion upon Notion
With body left behind...
Mind left behind..

Vesselage.
The Water Bearer.
Damn,
She has been playing it small, this
"Ariel" by which, she goes.

I have
Forgotten home..
And then to arise to a day
When there are more Angels than humans;
More visions than there is Matrix-
More love & God,
Than there is death- Hell.

I sit. Weighing,
Notion upon notion..
Happy now.
At peace.
Being a vessel.

And...
What I see, what I remember from yesterday's vision:
Power.
And not letting that scale tip,
When dealing in the affairs
With Humans.

Who am I
Is this

Ascended Master
And Angel
Descended

With many more my kind
Surrounding
And hovering
With wings.

"Do not let the scale tip".
Do NOT..
Stop!
..giving YOUR power

Away!"

That!
Is what I "hear"

To Hug

I'm not sure
How to process you're being gone.
I hug you, in my heart now,
As if you were right here before me..
But keep,
From picking up the phone.
I cry,
Because in a situation like this,
That's what you do, you cry.
I miss you already,
But dare not say..
Knowing it's better this way..
But I miss you already
And the house is already a different place
I do not know why I cry so,
Accept for maybe just that.
Shock...
Sadness..
Shock..
Sadness...

But there's happiness too.
Because I know we can be happy now.
Something, we both deserve to...

..I..
HAVE ALWAYS loved you.
Never taking back a day,
I'm grateful I got to.
I miss you, your things gone.
Has reality set in?
Dog in the bed with mommy now...
Now that there's no you.
A home for three, and now just two.

I slept in today.
Weird dreams,
Seemingly about you,
And this,
All of this,
And how you're gone..
And how I left you.

And the clouds gloomy,
When I know I have to be strong,
So I slap in some comedy,
But not before I cry,
And write,
And shake,
From missing you.
Not before I let some of this sadness pour out,
So I may be a little more clean today.
Reality wanting to set in,
In the midst of shock.
Shock.
And still just pacing one foot in front of the other to keep as if its an ordinary day.
Nothing ordinary about it.
Nothing ordinary about coming home to everything gone, no word..
But I stopped blaming you almost immediately,
Knowing you are only doing what you can for yourself..
And me loving you,
I can see this.
Already missing you.
Letting my sadness run.
I don't care what you say..
It will never be enough to undo us.
I let you go,
Bit hold our memory deep,
And your beauty more,
And your light, I give back in honor.
Never a day, I'll regret.
We loved hard.
Maybe scarred some...
But we got back up and we kept afoot.
I love you.
And hug you,
And miss you...

As it hurts...
To let you go.
But that is what love does,
When it is time.
So go fly.
I will always be with you,
Inside...

The "Abuse" Speaking

Everywhere I turn around here- a flash of panic. Mild. Screaming.
My gut tenses on what she's to hate next.
Say next.
What else have I fallen short on today.
I scramble to clean my mess.
And on principal alone, leave hers, because it would be clean already
Had she not screamed at me the day before about all this.
Her words echo and linger for days upon,
As each understanding takes different shifts and processing
To find the sight I may call the light.
Now,
Everywhere I turn,
I see her hate,
And what she could say...
Because yes...I have heard it before..
So don't take so much pride in not standing original...
Because my demons I have fought and finally laid down to being controlled by--
Why in the world would I let you chain me to them?!
It is nothing I haven't heard, but I listen.
Sometimes even letting you surprise me...
But when I speak, you hear not,
And when I utter, you seek to shut it up...
So have you?!
But that?!
Who I am is not whom she loved,
But that only in bits and pieces...
Not entire aspects.

Her face today I saw,
In a snapshot from our love,
And I am glad we loved.

But inside,
My chest burns with ache,
At the torment
Of it all.
The words and how they sink in,
Sharper than blades and guns, because maybe then,
I would rather...

Then again,
Maybe not.

Daggers.
They are simply like daggers,
Drawing a very
Real blood.

...so I bleed a little
Pick my self up.
Process the fear, the panic,
Because I'm past trying to make her see..

Now...
It's just survival.
And accepting the challenges
As my mighty opportunities..

Because out of this, there is so much I see...
And I've already begun,
To find
Her again.

Deep down:
The light that has been so shadowed-
She is strong,
And bright...
And she has taken on many o' these fights
Learning to slowing be
Un-abashed by the wicked
Unoriginality.

It is not brave to hurt.
As it is the strong who often appear to be the most weak.
Love is not weak.
And it will never
Ever
Be.

My Monday Memoirs

Eating a peanut butter sandwich to keep myself alive,
As my body seems to want to process shutdown instead.
De-friended somebody on FaceBook when they ranted on about people's postings seeming pathetic and seeking sympathy-fought the notion to comment, then sat on the thoughts in and out for some hours before determining, "unfriend". It wasn't personal, it's just, I'm one of those people sometimes- I know what it's like to be lost, or alone, an need somebody, anybody...even if it just writing on a wall to scream your pain...or nowadays..FB.
people are beautiful. As they burn, and fall, and especially as they get back up...
I figured she wouldn't mind if I don't give her a reason to judge my expression.
We were never friends anyway...

That in account. Here I am. Writing as usual. The days have been good, but they have also been tragic, hard, and utterly world-crashingly real!
The thing that keeps me going, is this notion of hope, this brilliant light, that is inside me, that is re-learning to burn bright again.
I have every reason to fear accept for the fact, that none of them are real...rather illusion;
To fear anyways, is so counter-productive to the stand that I need to be now.. For myself, if nobody else...
But I would like to think a bit..that my stand is for the world.
We are all judged, and misjudged...it's just how we correct our judgments, perspectives, and thinking, that REALLY matters.
So when I see a post like that, all I see is lack of compassion...not necessarily in the individual...but at least, in their judgements.
Namaste.
Here's to burning brighter another day.

The Truth:

I just wanted to know that you'd fight for me...

Tiger Lily Eyes

Look at me.
Deep.
In my eyes, on my back.
Cozy and squished in the pillow..
And blankets.

Gaze into my soul,
Captivating, playful..
Innocent, on guard.

Can't you see in her eyes all she needs?
What stops you?

Maybe,
She isn't yours
To love.

Maybe you don't know.

But I would think,
The vinyl playing would make it obvious.
The look in her eyes,
Like windows into.

What a fool. Innocent folly.
Looking to folly some more.
And romp. Romp.
Tears to her,
No more than a myth.

I miss you.
She...
Loves you.

But I know
WE
have needs.

I need you...
But you never were so good at seeing what she needed.
So needing you,
Seemed all a cruel joke.
Silly fawn.
Going on.
To believe
Another day.

Declaring War

Just a few words...

Whimpering and sobbing I throw myself back to my purse,
Where I grab the toilet paper
And wipe my sobbing eyes.

War.

Declaring war...
And I'm trying to find a way to battle with my pen
And not my heart
And not my mind.

Declaring war.
And trying not to sink into the darkness
Of what these hands can do.

Declaring war.
And she may not even mean to.

Two can play.
You want to get over me...?
Well I'll let you.
Two can play.

Declaring war.

I'm a hot, sobbing mess...
But I will play...

If I have to!

Trainwrecked

I suppose love can not
Be
Won...over...here.
Can not be understood always
Or controlled.
Can not be made to do what it will not.
Can not
Force it, or coerce it...
Can not make it agree
If it
Doesn't.
Love, (my bitch), as so I'm Her's
Taking as she will and often thoughtless,
As I train-wreck,
The Body to the mirror,
And all that's really there...
I
Trainwreck.
And so does she.
And Love is not something that is so understood here,
Rather noted, and spied on...
Watched and documented
Observed and analyzed, I'm sure often
Into
No-Truth at all.
Mirrors, already cracked
Make it pain a little less.
I'm used to the bleeding at my tummy;
Womb & girl
Still there, only...
And I'm getting used to the tares,
Like Losses
And Grief.
So the mirrors in them,
Around me,
Don't sting so..
Quite so,
Badly..

Train wrecked
Fucked in bed.
My mind-body dwells in everything heavy and universally tangent that I know.
I am full with Goddess
And tired to the heart
By Human Chance.

Fucked lifeless.
In this Joke of a Dance.
Ambivalence, a mask
Dance.
My Luck song.

Hands on the Wall

I've been crying out
For a long time.

Would it surprise me to end up here?
Alone, visions of my hand smearing black against the wall,
Just to relieve my pain?

The apartment,
Cold again.
Inside me,
The same Hell..

The mirror imaging
That its all
My fault.

I do not know how to go back
And undo love,
Or re-do what once was,
Or could be...

Don't know how to rewind,
And re-record.
I don't think going back could have made her love me more-
Could have made me see even if she had.
Don't think,
I have loved myself enough to get back
What I never had here,
On earth.
This time.

Don't know if to rewind,
I wouldn't have made the same "mistakes"...

That's what we call them anyway, consciously and subconsciously.

I've smoked it away
And buried my own soul
Is the running away-from.

I don't know where to go,
When it's not safe
Within my own skin..

And I've traveled across seas,
And back again,
Explored territories,
But still,
History repeats.

My love is insane. My mind. Insane with sadness.
Insane with agony
And heart pain.
With my ancestors tears in DNA..
Soaking up,
This life..
And all it's...
..life...

I keep crying out.
And the hole remains so infinitely mirrored with only magnifying glasses
On everything I've hoped to get away from.

It is only me, and my output.
And it is tragic,
To fall so many times
To my knees alone...

The angels always reaching down, and me, still looking around,
For familiar faces that don't see me.

I could die, here and now, from such a lonely bullshit journey.
But I don't. I keep going. Crying out for help,
Reaching peaks,
And diving right off of them.
I hate this world.
Maybe that's my problem.
But how could one try to be so good, and fall so endlessly short?
Then weak?
Then breathless?
Still make it by,
Then have to do it all over again?!

All I wanted
Was to love and be loved.
The lesson I'm trying to hold onto?

: "it's not over yet"...

"The greatest gift you can give to oneself, is to love thyself. It is also the hardest gift you will ever give or receive in this life."

Depression Monologue

There are few things I want.

A painless body.
(Once) a painless love...
Mostly...

Peace of mind.

I want strength & stamina.
I want peace

In my existence.

I instead,
Am in some joke of Hell.
Loving into flames and ashes.
Beating my bleeding heart for not being better at
"Loving them".

It is dark in here.
Cold. Lonely.
Fearful.
I fear I will shatter.
No worse....I feel that my life will shatter
If I don't keep my Goddamn
Self, and mind
In check.

She's
Been lost
In demonic planes.
Lost in a sinful world that sponges us disease after numbed distraction.

I bleed,
All over the floor.
All over.

And I know it is a scary world,
Because nobody comes to rescue the weak at heart.

They have to muster everything up, to feed the instinct of survival,
While still everyday wishing so a predator might end it.

I am weaker than most.
Maybe therefore stronger at times...
But weaker, ever still.

I am my own retribution.
And that is a scary thing,
To a demon.
For in itself,
It feels endlessly lost
Forever.

So I call on God.
Yeah. I said it.

I call on God.
I am lost to the part of myself that is supposed to know.

Locked for years in Hell,
Finding bitter sweetness in all avenues...
But torcherous, have those galavants been to an impressionable soul
In a GodDamn spiritual War and Battle!

Fuck! I said it!
Some of us just have different roles.

Mine...
Has been to suffer, to understand.
And to care more, than most.
To take on the energies around me,
And let them kill me as I evade their responsibility.

And I have indulged and numbed the pain,
So that I may mascarade
As one of them.

One of us.

But, my body and heart are withering here Where there is so little love,
And where I have to shine to be the light in a darkness I know not how to escape.

This world is cruel, so as to break down a soul then remind us we are our only salvation.
I can barely breathe here. Let alone, to have to save My Own soul?!
In a world of darkness, so devoid of love?

I....
Don't want to be saved.
I want to go home.
I want to be relieved of this body-
It's headaches.
It's chaos' and emotions.
It's sensitivity, and lack of control.
It's fear.
It's broken girl of a person I am not supposed to identify with somehow.

But I do.

I have prayed for death so many days.
I gather, this is not normal...
But I also know,
The world doesn't care.

It's up to me.
So I try to care. Get scared, caring...
And I'm thinking...
Maybe I should just stop. It's so stressful.
Maybe I should just do what I know I need to...
And stop caring along the way...

It's all an illusion right?
Tell that
To my addictions and my attachments.
To my need to control, and my ceaseless headaches.
I'm trying to tell them...
Trying..
To believe that somewhere in me,
I can stop this hell of a life.

Make it bright again.
Rich.

...trying to believe there is any hope in any of us, worth having faith in.

I've started to think there is something wrong with me.
Chemical imbalance.
Weed addiction to lay that foundation.
Headaches. Pain.
Leading to depression and despair.
Leading to poor diet and energy.

This sound like anybody out there?

In the new shift...I, more than ever, know that it is me, that has to do the changing.
Up until now, everything seems the same nomatter how much I've tried.

Nothing can seem more hopeless then to know I must keep trying.
I fear, I will only find Hell
With my every attempt, as my past seems to have more control than I do.

Hell,
Is all I've known here.

I want...
To go home.

To Blake's Experience

Some days...
It's just getting out of bed.

And I don't know how I put on shoes,
Gather my strength,
And enter the world,

Another day..

Isn't You

I want to be able to reach my hand out to someone...
Familiar...yet new..

Type, type, type, type.
And have them
Type back.
Understanding me.
I so wanted that person to be you.
Express. Smother! Smear the blue.
Type, type, type tap,
"I'm responding to you".

Response.

Type, tap, tap, tap, tap,
Type, type, type, type...

But that response
Isn't you.

Love is the stupidest of all foolish affairs!
I, for one, always learning,
That No, "love is not always enough".

Fuck me, already.
Please.
Do, it.
And kill me.

I hate loving now.
And living now.
And working only to support young and new Hell alike.

I loved her..
Love, her.

Stupid love, never enough.
Stupid love, never enough.
And though she will ever be unsatisfied.

Am
I
Possessed?
Or
Just Human?

Loving her,
But she hasn't been enough,
And why?
Can't I make it not,
That?!

Couldn't I?
Have?
No?

Day.
1.
Beat. Bed.
Got up and cleaned a bit. Played a bit. Laughed a bit.
A bit...
Better
Than yesterday
So full
Of soul-less hope.

I will miss her
Soul.
And I am sitting,
Wavering,
On which is worse.
But...
I think..

I know...

To My Other Half

Dear Omnipresence...

..I miss you.
Your love is so sweet, like summer.
Goodbye youthful play.
How I can say,
I loved thee...

Though more, I owe,
To me...
And so,
Goodbye, dear Soul, oh piece of me.
How I will miss that sweet kiss,
And those kitten eyes.
Goodbye, my Soul.
Now's the time to cry.
I'm glad I held you one last time..
Glad my soul was smart to can up that presence I will miss so...
Though I must
Go.

Still, I know
That this is so...
As sweet as you've ever been...
It is me withering...
And not you.
You deserve better
Than me withering and teetering...
No matter how much this girl in me loves you.

...but even now..

You still have nothing to say.
And I see that's okay..
Loving you still.
Ever still.

Both of us knowing,
This is just another journey.

I...
So wanted to keep you...
But I cried finally realizing today..
"That if you REALLY love something...
You WILL let it go"
If that is what is called for.
Well...

I
REALLY
REALLY
Love You!

*kisses your cheek*
And I will miss
Making you smile!

-Your Love

Sat. Journal Confessions

Sigh.

-the affair of love
And emotions.

The love of oneself seems to be our only relationship...

I struggle with mine.

As my feelings flood,
I recall yesterday's reading:
"Our feelings are our emotional guidance system".
Makes me think...
I should stop shoving mine down.

"Take what's right in front of you- take it for face value"...
Just more words and notions I'm reminded of right now.

It is sweltering outside for 10 O' Clock in the morning...
And I am almost dying on this busstop and black work attire.

My soul and mind are tired.
My heart a sad chaos, thumping and pumping disappointments.
The face I put on everyday
Wears me thin...
Working so hard to keep such a peaceful life,
Panics me,
When the peace looks like old blood stains.
I think about so many...
The faces I've seen, and known, and loved...
And by far the greatest to me
Has been Genki.
And maybe me.

The word "perpetrator" runs through my head...
As the lies stack...
And the walls grow layers.
As yesterday becomes tomorrow,
And I, struggle so,
With both.

The illusion...
I don't really know what it is.
I know it is enveloping our many philosophy and thoughts...
I know we breed it in our DNA..

But,
I miss home.

I miss not being listed in the body of these affairs...
And crave, so crave...
Turning back.

How,
May I make it all less matter?
How do flip,
From the pain, to The Creator within?

The illusion,
I imagine,
Is merely our desperation
(& Seperation)
Between Creator & Self.
Between Power,
And none.
And as I walk the path I have chosen,
The once populated path,
Has no trail below now,
And I am often fretting through creeky branches and panicking as though in a nightmare,
That in moments now,
I will be lost...
And the way will be lost to me.

Confessions:

I hate working for other people. It drains and stresses me, and how so, I do have to put on face.

Confessions:

I AM tired nearly everyday.
And no life at all seems better
Than the body of these affairs.
I have remained tired all my life.

Confessions:

Not many you grow up with will actually support you in your becoming.
I was taught to "look humble"...to be humble as well...but "to look" and "appear" to be humble...
As an important matter of presentation.
In my Spiritual philosophy, we are taught to go big or go home!
WTF else am I here for if not to just and solely suffer?! Fck that! I know why I am here! And it is a hard mission! I really screwed myself this time around...
But, the point is...I believe in the philosophy: "know thyself"!

Do I, know thyself?!
In certain ways...freakish, and questioned...
Yeah...I do!
Looks like I do after-all.

So suppose a girl was born with a "gift"- a gift of intuition. and suppose that girl had many signs along the way that she is indeed an "Earth Angel" as termed in today's Western Spiritual colloquialism.

Does she run from that?
Or ought she to embody it instead?

Humble?
Humble is for the very aware, and even then,
Tends to borderline egoism anyways in all it's righteous usage.

Confession:

I am tired of being humble and gracious, and sweet all the time.
I enjoyed curling up on summer mornings to no work, and a book and coffee,
And a yet-to-be-determined schedule for the day.
My business was better than ever with only care into myself, not it!

....I am tired...
...of being so tired...

I know I am not the only one!

God Bless People!
Go big, or go home!

#unapologetic
#beautyonly

Dancing the Weight Away

I am not myself.

I
Am the body of my emotions
And
Affairs.

I
Am not myself.
I am tired, and lethargic
Longing
And pushing.

I...
Am not myself, so much,
Sitting here, feeling here, panic bubbling up,
Scaring me
To
Death.

I
Am not
Myself.

Here.
Body thirsted from coffee, thirsting from deprave...
Thirsting-
The air is dry
On earth.

I
Am tired.
And not so much myself anymore
Remembering
In slow motion;
In ancient time-
An earthly time...

And my bones had gone weak,
And my muscles,
Hopeless...

I however..
Got up and danced today!
And SHE
Is really quite phenomenal...

When nobody
Is looking
Afterall...

Morning Sounds

It's cold.
I close the window
Questioning if its the bright-low light from the morning clouds
That are also unsettling me.
Coffee. Me time. Tired.
Jogging in my mind,
Through the races and streets of it and me,
Him and her,
Life and us...
Where and what
Where and what
It all means.

Put on another comedy
To start the day, the way it feels right to relax.
Hands are reaching out of the distance,
And holding me. Hugging me.
My soul cries.

Body of Existence

I could really use my computer today...
Yeah,
The one that broke.
Speaking a broke. Dot.dot.dot...

I feel the fingers typing away at the keys,
Pouring this mass
Out of me...
Pouring and spilling,
I rage and I moan...
I cry and I weep,
Spilling, spilling
The context outta me...

Caged bird,
Bloody wings,
Flapping, flapping
Incestantly...
Surely bound to knock or pass
Myself right out.

Pulse.
The sky like astronaughts' view
Beating..
She breathing,
Eye
In the hew.

I'm tired,
Need a day or two.
Tired,
Need a break or two.
Tired on how
She keeps on going
And a tugging me, I play to
The body
Of my existence.