The Footsteps of God

Where does the time fade into?
Rolling hills, engazed enrichments
Lose me
In time,
Scare me
Into what's losable...
Jolt me awake.
Shake.
Like an Earth Quake's racy fate,
Any state,
Any mind,
Any time,
Any day gone!
Never a day for certain!
Time,
Some meshed basket woven,
And I can't figure out if it would be perfect an image, or rather
Off, odd, lopsided.
Confused.
Twisted inside...
Like my entrails
Collaborating as an outside force
To twist me closed.
I know it is a sick attack
On me...
By darkness..
But I want to believe this darkness is me
So as to dispel
Any illusion or threat.
But it is all beyond my reach to say for sure...
I just know what I believe.
That too, sometimes
A little foggy...
When you live yourself
Trying to trace
The footsteps of God...

The Storm & the Boat: The Merciless Sea & me

Writing classics in my thought
Detailing like boats to an ardent sea
Striding, calculating, hating
Every thought on the projection screen!
Seeing so much, always being so much
Sometimes more than I want to be-
Ranting, ravaging like tail wind storms
Heaving, breathless, desperate
Drowning in their hurricanes...

Earth,
A thick, heavy rain that sweeps you away
Man, a cloud we can not even try to forsake, for his thickness and density,
All your light will take!-
Except your inside...
Your exempt from God.
I am Man!

Sad, scared, lost, lonely
The little girl,
On that boat.

I am
All sides,
every twine
In this reel of vine-
This veil of rope
Told
Like a story on a projection sea:
"The Storm & The Boat"...
My subconscious & it's tote...
The little girl,
Somehow,
The key,
In all her uncertainty, and lack of guarantee
Some fragile humanity of hope
Placed in her
By the God she attributes it to.

Desperate and scared,
Not another tare,
Not another scar to a sail
That will barely hold atop!
Not another crossed, tattered drowning
No foot abreath
No hand to reach,
And only nature's merciless wits...
And God.
And that's all ya got!

Tails says she drowns today
Heads says she lives at sea...

Two tales.
Two stories.
Two Gods.
And there's no other side!

Tails she drowns.
Heads,
She lives.
Tails she drowns..
Heads she lives...
Tales.
Heads.

Backstreets & Romance

Baby,
Sweep me,
Of my,
Feet.
See me!
How I am merely a girl with soul,
And not a thing,
To be beat.
Sweep me,
Away
From the deserts here;
Do not be afraid!
Release me
Into you,
That we may take away,
Fly free from this place,
Embody and sweep...
Your life in me deep,
Your courage outlined by charm,
And how I,
Got to see you...
See you in time.
It's been a long time...

I hear the aroar of the beach calling you
Asundering your chaos and black
And giving you life again!
In me,
The whirlwinds extrude as your rebirth,
For I am of Earth,
And we are apparently as one,
As we always will be,
As we always
Have been.
I do not know how this goes,
Accept to speak of my truth that it shouldn't...
But I am not the teller of fate,
Nor the curse that would take it away,
Rather,
I am only here to listen,
However well or unwell,
I do it!

Gentle Familiarity

Familiarity,
Pour into me!
You have a sweet song & a gentle face.
You have a quiet demeanor as our embrace.
Soothe the hair away from my face,
And pull the blanket up over me.
I rest, here, for you now;
No where else to be.
I could die here,
Under you,
The comfort so calm and serene.
Could rest in peace in the subtlety
Of every playful sweet
Gesture, and attitude
Gaze and pull,
Longing and supporting,
Where here,
We are one again.
Just for now.
For now is a moment,
That always passes.

Reality by the throat

I've put down smoking it away...
Left to feel
It All.
Blood boiling,
Temper raging-
Shaking reality by the throat,
Hoping to snap some sense into that
Crazy B!tch!
But....
She just screams, afraid,
Unmoved,
And I have to implode, instead, and
March back to where I came from.
Reality unhampered,
Me dead,
Dying, crying,
Telling myself I will not be beat!
"Fuckkkk You", I scream,
"I will not be beat!"
But reality shows quite, frankly,
A different cause,
As I am immobilized in bed, and counting the days when I will force myself up again!
"I will rise" I cry,
Against this bleak depression
Against this deadening drift!
"I will rise again",
With my Angels, since it is not at the hands of the people I love!
"Fuck" those lies!
That's what they are!
How selfishness turns into my supposed opportunity,
Then fine!
I will accept my fate,
Of making up for this brutal lack of!
Accept this rediculous opportunity
Of doing the work for them!
Accept the ridiculousness of human beings!
Because it's either this or drown!
So fine!
You want me to be the big mature fucking adult! Then fine!
I will!
I'll do,
What you obviously can't!
Because its what I've been asked to do my whole life anyways!
So here's to us!
A big fat fucking toast,
To the work I will put into this relationship,
As you leave me high and dry!
Happy now?
Happy still?!
Good, I guess!
Cheers, to our bullshit!

The X Chronicles: Rated R

Fuck me
Like the poet you are..
Disgust me, in our luscious noir!
Tease me, play me, teach me
As you read me, scream me, feed me!
Your words tantalize and tease me
Of sweet sweat and soft heaving,
Of scraping fingers and hair weaving,
Of hips, and lips, and flesh
Seething...
You read me...
As my body moves, trembles under you-
Caressed
Relaxed in exhales
As I arch my back
Looking for anything to gain grasp
Of what you do for me!
Do to me,
An isn't it exciting?!
Living breaths in romantic sweaty nights
Between the unexpected sights
Of you & me...

Need My Reason

It is a quiet night..
People seem to be out of there homes more than usual, I notice, as I walk the neighborhood,
And see so many dark and un-occupied houses.
I massage the knots in my hand, and arms, and shoulders,
As I hope that the quisy feeling will dissipate with night air.
The pain makes me want to vomit,
And I turn over the lostness that wants to take over.
The smell of some perfect gourmet, from somebody's kitchen,
Envelopes my desires of wishing it was my beautiful home I am walking to;
Some kind of burgundy wine and red meat, perfectly prepared
Waiting on the table with the winning combination of a five-star side dish
Or two
And candles and flowers
To complete the mood.

Instead of walking into the home that would eat me,
I sit out here and smell, and dream,
And hope that the air still has a chance of relieving my pain!
Tonight is one of those nights, I would do anything for take-out..
But even then, that money is a dream.

It's days like this that scare me about tomorrow.
Knowing the pain lulls me to leave this place-
Knowing I'm going to have to find it in me to stand up,
Climb out,
Of this dark underground whole.

I don't want to go in there,
So I do what I always have since childhood around this house.
I skour the neighborhood,
Wander in the slight and perfect chill.

I take my breath and my home outside of this place,
Haunted
With childhood demons.
Sick with compression and dirt.

None of it is worth it to me anymore.
Not like this.
Not this way.

And as I am standing, looking at my rock bottom rubble, I can't help but to wonder if this whole I will be able to close up some day..
And instead of looking at a sky so far away,
I wonder will I be able to stand on the flat grass again...
Once and for all...
Never having to find myself in this
Mind Ditch,
In this death and solitude...
In this dream?!

The headaches alone
Make life not worth it,
But somehow,
They always seem to find
Their way back to me.

I need relief!
Food, love, support, eyes that want nothing more than to give to me...
I need outta here.
I need life;
Most of all, I need a reason why,
I ought to keep going.

The Dream

Dear Mother..
Hold me! Put your arms around me, and tell me through an undiseased spirit that everything is going to be okay!
That you believe in me, and that the world has never been so lucky!
Pinch me awake
From this dream, and this illusion,
Where it is the broken girl that has to
Be the strong one, the adult...
Pinch me awake from holding up this heavy burden
With wobbly legs--
I fight not to drop the world on my back every second
As I long for somebody to just give me a hand
With this load....
I know you
Will never be
The mother I need...
But I see you, as I try to accept
What it is
Between us..
And Father,
I know u can not see me. See my weakness and how it is a struggle in my heart almost daily
To just keep going.
I need somebody, something,
And doing it so alone
Gives me little left to live for,
On top of a life that keeps asking for a strength it takes everything in me to muster up!
Days, so many days,
U just want to give up.
I am doing everything I know how;
Doing everything I can,
And the steps backwards are like knives to healing wounds!
How many days, nights,
Do I have to put on face?
Before I just sink?
And will I sink?
Or will I float without expecting to?!
I am realizing more and more,
More than I ever have before,
What happens to a little girl
When she doesn't have parents...
Parents' love,
Parents' words,
Parents' support
Or their security.
She grows up
Only never to grow up
From the wounds of something never given.
From the worth of something
Never expressed.
In the belief,
That she doesn't deserve anything good...
To a present day where she looks around,
And has to be the parent she never had.
No wonder the Rock looks so lovely.
No wonder any place,
Is better than here...
Inside her,
Where nothing she does will ever bare her,
Her worth.
That love.
Or the mother she needs.
It is something I would do anything for...
But it is also, just an unrealistic
Silly dream.
She will never be
What I need.
And I have to keep going, and see...
See if somehow this will all work out..
See if somehow,
This little girl
Can still get her dream...
Even if deep down,
Her voice says,
She's unworthy.
Will I always be unworthy?!
Or is that something I can change?
Headache,
Go away!
Relieve me! I do not want your company another day!
Reminding me of who I am not!
Of what I don't want!
Of how unworthy u deem me to be!
Just go away!
And leave this little girl
And grown up to be!
I need a life outside of this!
Outside of it all!
So take it from me!
Just leave!
I do not need you,
Anymore!

One Night

The tears in my soul well up,
But they won't fall..
And I just wish they could be the carrier of this black toxin
Right out of my body!

It is sadness, and loss
Abandonment & loneliness,
And though I know it is not me,
It is stuck there!
Sad.
Lonely,
Against the reign of my mother
And my lover lost...
And NOTHING,
Not anything
Can bring them back!

To All My Beloved Readers

In Honor of You!

I just wanted to profoundly say Thank You, for reading my blogs, and going through this journey with me! Last month I had 111 page-views! Not only a high number :) But a truly sacred number!

11 is a Master number! It is to be revered and noticed, often embodying the sense of Life Mastery,
as well as the underlying drive, of "what's next, what do I need to do now?!"
In that, it makes sense that it would be a "Master" number, as, one can never master their life, passion, or purpose without that drive pushing and pushing them!

What's more, 111 (or 1111) is a number signifying Divine Awakening and the opening of a new energetic pathway!

This is Doreen Virtue's iteration of 111:

"An energetic gateway has opened for you, rapidly manifesting your thoughts into reality.  Choose your thoughts wisely at this time, ensuring they match your desires.  Put down any energy into thinking about fears at all, lest you manifest them."

I started this particular blog, as a way to really express my humanity; in all it's spectrum of good, bad, blessed, and ugly!
This blog is a place where I can be me, and not worry about being
The Perfect Partner
The "Have-It-All-Together" Life coach
The Peacemaker
The Hero
The Persona of "Everything is always amazing"

I find, when you are an Empathic nurturing soul, that comes from a trauma ridden background, and still who even may make daily mistakes, regardless of OUR quest of Peace or Mastery,
Life and how it shows up, can be trying, hurtful, unhealed, uncertain, risky, crazy, and any other spectrum of human emotion.

To this day, I struggle with what it is like to not have had a SINGLE adequate parent around to show me, support me, love me, the way I needed.  And for so long I thought that this was in the past...but when I started to notice the inadequacies of my mother show up in my love life...the absence of both my parents emotionally and physically, showing up in the abandonment patterns of my Partners...
I really had to stop everything, and take a good hard look at the things I had been overlooking for years. 
My journey is the journey of a traumatized little girl, grown up too fast, into a world that tried to swallow her. 
But something happened along the way, where both she enchanted the divine, and the divine enchanted her, and it is through my everyday miracles that I have kept going, and have learned to go strong. 
I am truly, finally ascending into my Womanhood now, and with that, my own Mastery over myself and this life!
It is no Coincidence, that I just had my Mastery Seminar this month, and no coincidence that 111 showed up for the month as well!

Quick thing I wanted to share:
One thing I noticed recently about Oprah Winfrey (we share the same birthday- I'm proud), is that this woman is extremely empathic and "sensitive" like me...
Yet she would everyday, go out into the world, and shine her light so bright, millions were touched.
I watched how she did this, and the scary and miraculous part, was that she did it through authenticity! Through being herself, with no remorse (though occasional embarrassment). 
She stated she had never gone to therapy at one point (don't know if that changed)...but i watched as Oprah made millions op people, the people she cried and reached out to.  Oprah's therapy was her TV show.  She made one statement one day when confronting a political figure, "why not tell the truth?!"
Well that is what Oprah did! She always told the truth about herself, which takes courage, and inspires THIS young, abused girl, to tell hers.

It is my hope in this blog, and in expressing my humanity, that many of you will relate to what is needed.  That is why I am doing it!  And that is why I am taking a stand in a difficult hour, to still show my face, even if it drenched in blood, tears, and the victimized feelings I am working to overcome!

One Another note:
I will have a "Soul Channelings" Blog through my work as Ariel Newborn.
This blog will only entail higher wisdom's and truths, of light and love! And it will be for all of you, my beloved people, brothers and sister's alike!

Thank you for seeing me through my humanity, and partaking in the journey of processing out the old negative programs of self,, that I may shed that darkness, and embrace more, my Light Nature!

You have all moved me! And I Thank You and God, from the depth of my committed soul!



Your Lioness of God
Ariel