I never knew how to release you.
I Never wanted to.
But it doesn't matter-
You did that for me.
I never knew how to love you,
For that matter.
Simply, I just did.
No calculation. No ability to maneuver
In this direction or the other;
Rather I was at your whim.
I was always
At your whim.
I suppose it's too late now.
Everything is so dark now...
So ruined between us.
I have reeled over it all in my mind.
In my soul.
In my heart.
I am aware I shouldn't care.
Aware love has no business here,
Neglected and misunderstood for so long
Between our bodies.
I am aware you never tried.
Never wanted to.
I continue to imagine,
It is some unhealed thing in me,
That clings to you.
Although....
I suspect it is just love,
and I am just judging myself
For letting you keep it.
I have begun to tare at my cuticles again. Something I only do,
When you are heavy in my air.
My ring finger bleeds there,
Where I tore, too deeply.
There are entire conversations
We could get lost in for hours.
Yet you will not speak
A single
Word
to me.
I think though...
That I know, why.
All your reasons. Feelings terrified.
You hate loss of control.
I ponder our last words often.
Certain things ring in me-
Resonating
But the one I go back to most-
How you assumed he and I tell eachother everything. And the thought I think about most on that,
Is how I want to tell everything to you.
The thought I think about, Is how you understand that of relationships.
But you never allowed that between us two.
No....
We did.... talk about ALMOST everything....
We did.
But we very rarely talked about you.
Almost never did we address
The taboo, between you and I...
For it was a hot spot, a sore spot,
and my own secret I kept from him.
He never asked me directly,
If I still loved you.
Had he... I would have lied.
And you....my dear,
So concerned about the messages....
But had he actually seen them...
He would have punished me.
He would have brought it up in passive aggressions and dropped your name.
I suppose the possibility could always remain.
But I believe there would have been clues.
Knowing what I know of him;
Knowing him the most.
He did punish me by the way. He did.
After about 6 months, his mind reeled, and he became abusive for weeks. Verbally slinging
Names at me...
For Adam.
For You.
I tried to explain, but my story, my words
Never mattered to him.
He didn't care I needed love.
That I fell into arms there,
That were far more tender than he.
And you...
Well by then you had taken my heart....
and somewhere along the line...
Started treating me like you hated me.
I was just lost. Just aching.
I did it despite him,
Not to him.
I did it for me,
And paid every price.
I did it because finding any love,
Any place, felt like medicine, so nice!
But it was funny....
He was always more angry about Adam.
To me, the far worse betrayal was You,
Still lodged in me so deeply
And there I was...
Keeping my mouth shut about it.
Because what did it matter, you know?
You never returned. Refused to "pursue".
So it would do me no good telling him...
That I never stopped loving you.
He would have tried to keep me anyways.
But he would have raged and wrathed and broken me apart intently,
If he knew.
He would have kept us apart and made dramas.
No....what good would it do?
Our history, only a haunted story now.
I never saw, what good that truth could serve.
Not any of us.
But you left anyway.
Was it too hard seeing him
In place of you?
Or was it all the other things you care about?
No...
Together, we never laughed at or played games over you. We both just loved you. That was it.
I so much so...
I couldn't say much about it.
But when you left,
and my world ran cold...
I never stopped feeling the absence of you.
in fact...
It became a dry ice in my heart.
It deepened a secret in me that had no business living there.
and I very deeply came to miss you
(all over again)
To cry out and long for you. To miss the reminisce of your hand upon mine- just that one occasion.
Or the look and smile in your eyes.
The feeling of you,
When I was close.
When I left him...
Oh it got brought up.
He was so worried I'd go off and talk to his friends. And in the oddest way,
He always overlooked you in that concern.
Like he didn't remember I told him
that I was in love with you when he asked me
All those years ago.
Like...
Because we didn't have sex, you were not a threat?
Even though he admits,
Emotional affairs are far worse to him.
and when it got brought up....
What he did to us. What he said to you.
Whatever the fuck it was....
He reminded me....
You were all too happy to participate.
I usually don't let his words stick...
But I felt that.
I think it is something
I try to forget...
Yet...
In all your unspoken words,
How could I?
Forget?
I don't even know you anymore.
But sometimes time between souls
Is only illusion.
Do you suppose the time and space between us is just this?
Collapsible reality?
Just illusion shaping the face of love
And the absence of?
I always did.
I always held space and room for you, for us.
Even when I could make no sense of it.
Years passed. Dry.
And more years. And I....
I found myself some love while waiting.
But it was never you.
Love can not do the work though can it?
Unless you let it.
Love by itself... no!
It takes courage to love.
Authenticity.
Putting the masks down.
Revealing secrets slowly.
Healing ever more so at a snails pace.
Patience. Communication. Dedication.
Devotion.
Crying. Sharing when it's hard to.
Not running.
Being seen.
Being held in your dark places
and raging at each other's ego's.
I get it. Love.... a danger zone.
But I put myself through the fire everytime.
And one of the darkest fires, I have ever gone through, Darling
Was the one raging in your mind.
I know. What dwells there largely.
It scares me even. It does.
But not enough.
Not enough to run.
That was always the role for you.
Yet...
Might I dare you
to stay?!
What would that life look like?
To fight and know it's going to be okay?
To understand there's ups and downs,
But real love
IS
THE GAME CHANGER?!
How do you operate in Chess,
Without your Queen?!
Yet in Life...
You convince yourself you can?
Love, that thing you are so afraid of...
THAT!!!
Is
THE GAME CHANGER!
Never forget...
That this is the miracle
That flips the coin of fate
In life.
To try and win without it???
Well I think, naive and lofty as I may be...
I think that's a losing man's play.
And My Love....
I personally wouldn't go that way.
I just wouldn't.
But it is tricky!
Love has a snare.
A way of fileting raw emotions
Up for blood,
Skeletons and demons
Making whole homes
Where two equally yolked are supposed to
Keep such entities at bay.
It's all Spiritual Warfare.
But you blame Love, and not Life!
It is only Love...
However...
That ever....
Saves!
So.....
How do you checkmate...
Without your Queen?
Perhaps one day, of this, I can watch you try.
Seeing as how you are the Master
and I, the novice
On this, your game of choice.
You teach me how to move.
And I will let you gestate
In the power and absence
of your Queen,
While you sit there and smile at me...
So Sure to win the game anyway.
For that,
I'd stay. A little game of debate.
Philosophy on Love.
And see if you can
Checkmate?
But then again...
I always would have....
Stayed. That is.
I had always intended to.
Let Love find a way.
Show me again...
How to play the rook
Since your Queen
Is now mine to take!
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