In all my time on this earth,
in this skin,
As Her....
I have never felt this way.
It is no subtle tare....
When he looks at me, as he does.
It is everything....
I do not have the strength to take on.
He is begging me.
A last hope.
But I can't.
Nothing in me can....
Give him what he wants;
Not any longer.
I crack. Under the request.
"Just another 4 months?!"
But how could he....
Rightfully ask that of me?
To give him MORE time?
He does not know...
What I know of him.
So he can not know...
To the depths of how I feel about him.
That my skin crawls when he still plans a future with me in it.
That I could never trust him again.
That what I need to change in him....
It never will.
That even if it did...
I don't see it mattering.
Because what he does not know....
Is that he makes me miserable.
Maybe he does.
Maybe he does. Know.
I can not think around him.
I can not think straight.
and I cracked.
I cracked today trying.
It got me thinking. Thinking about the response in my body. As if to say...
"This is exactly, why we go no contact".
It is primal. The shutdown. The silence. The blank stare. The overwhelm. The response of my body to him....just being in his vicinity.
It shut anything down I had left in me.
Anything.
I don't like what I saw. Saw in myself-
I leaned in anyway.
What do you say to a man...
Whose world is falling apart?
Who burnt down your own world before he set his ablaze?
What could I say to his begging and pleading eyes? His seemingly sincere words, though I have come to know better?
Mostly, I said nothing.
I could not give him what he was seeking from me. Yet he will cling to a hope anyway.
And that's where I left him.
Snapping only on occasion,
Because he has no right. To ask another thing of my heart. To ask for another second of stolen time. To even ask for my hand in friendship.
Everything with him...
Comes with a price.
I Bore it.
and then...
Then was different. It was different because I believed in him. Because I loved him.
Because he said...he showed..that
He loved me...
Although no....
He did not love me well.
But now....
Now...
I can hardly stand it. As become with him,
a poison in my air.
Each time. No matter how hard he tries.
No matter the good he says he is doing...
It seems the heart does not lie.
And mine tells me...
Tells me things sometimes often...
Neither easy to know
and soul-stopping to hear.
and when he come around...
She screams.
My mind splinters. It goes blurry.
A fog rolls in torrentially on the day.
And no...
I can not think straight.
Usually...he shows...that he would keep me...
Even if I am miserable. He speaks in his wants and his needs...
And feigns only to address mine in adages.
"I am his one" "we are not done" "I can't give up on us"...
But he does not have the heart to face the truth.
"I am not yours", I say.
"I gave the life you promised me a chance!"
"I've seen life with you and this is not what I want".
"I don't want your children!"
I have begun to say all the hard things.
and I have to watch it...
Sink into us both.
An anchor pulling us both under water.
I have to watch him hurt.
I have to in myself, contain all his pain.
While barely giving harbor to my own.
It is the thing hardest to say.
That he makes me ill.
Because how could I abandon him...
Now? When he feels all others have?
And yet I must.
And at no fault of my own.
Yet...it is utterly shattering
To break another soul.
To be in their vicinity to witness it.
I have avoided him. As much as he has allowed possible. As much as I could.
But I knew that could not last forever.
Not while loose ends still need to get tied up.
Things packed.
Accounts made autonomous.
And even conversations had.
Conversations I wish I could avoid.
I ran outta the house. And for months never looked back. Never went back.
But he never went anywhere...
But where I'd be.
It took handcuffs and a domestic disturbance call...to shift things.
To give me the reason,
The last reason I need.
It took him finally putting his hands on me.
Not the year long back injury he gave me by accident. Not any of the other "minor" things...
No....it took him violently doing to me
What was long kept at bay.
And everything changed that day.
Every promise you had ever made and long ago broke...
Roaring back up.
How did I let myself come to be loved this way??? That...
Would become the question in the welling tears.
My body won't let me forget,
What my heart and soul would rather erase.
It won't let me let you in. Not again.
It does for me what my heart can not.
It shuts the door you keep cracking open when I am asleep.
It is protecting me. While you are begging.
Begging I not date any other. Begging...
From me what you have no right to ask.
Begging from me, what I have not left to give...
To you.
She shuts me down...
When you are wielding your words and wand.
As nothing about you is safe.
Rather you are a watered mirage
Veiling a tarred and deathly pit.
Every essence out of you, slick...
Even when unintended.
Put in an impossible task;
To abandon you...
To save myself.
To halt an empathy for you,
That is my first and only nature.
To break you.
I don't know how to make sense of it...
Knowing you broke me time and time over
Without often flinching. Through my begging, my pleading, my sobbing, my horrid depths of induced pain.... at your own LACK of empathy towards me...
and yet here I stand. Torchered and hardly able...
To dole out the same judgement.
No because I have never taken the breaking of your heart lightly at all...
Yet
I understand my own compassion not.
For where was yours??
Where was yours when my world was breaking and my eyes went blank?
Where was yours when I told you, that you were breaking me?
It was absent.
It was out.
It avoided and only rendered worse damage.
Each time I opened my mouth. To be heard. To be seen. To plee with the man who loves me...
To stop! No the man I loved was no where to be seen.
And yet now he begs?
Now he has the audacity to ask me to keep loving him?! To stay?!?!
And I ask him, "with what?!"
"With what do you expect me to love you another day, more than I have?
More than I did or gave?!
With what do I have left,
To even try?! "
No fool! I am just living where
We both have died.
And I am just tucking you into
The bed you made...
Before I render one last goodbye.
No comments:
Post a Comment