Eyes of the Owl

 

My world 

   Is internal. 

My Service, Collected. 

  Ambiguous, Anonymous, 

  Orphaned, quite long ago. 

  It is the only haven I know, 

"Amongst Wolves, Lions, & Sheep" 

  Saturated in the deep, 

As if born in a pool of ink...

  Everything 

Is an undertow. 

  Seeking Shelter then here, 

The cave of my own soul. 

  It is such a shame...

Such such a shame...

  What they say. 

What they repeat and continue to sling. 

  It has no viable reflection. 

Yet I wake up....feeling it like 

  The Psychic attack it had long been. 

Eyes, shot open after walking the other side. 

  Hit immediately for the attack that it is, 

From both sides of the veil. 

  Yet...

It comes from no viable reflection...

  Rather like a vampire...

No reflection at all. 

  It is a dark magic. 

  The tongues that speak...

It is only because they 

  Do not know me. 

It is because I gained them no sincere access. 

  So they slither about 

And mud sling. 

  Hating. 

Defacing what in me, I had never deserved. 

 I made no enemies with them. 

They smiled in my face. 

  And throughout all the time...

I was going through so much alone...

  It was not a phone call or helping hand...

But rather their judgement I received. 

  And I felt it. 

I knew it. Suspected...

  Like the words slipping from their scales right into my head. 

  I could read it. 

It's small and huge betrayals like these....

  Giving not but the kindness you can...

Only to be thrown away and burned, by "friends"- no friends at all. 

The betrayals of someone purely only acting kind in your face for years.  

  But it was only the "Act", key phrase. 

I'm sure all sorts of nasty things have been said of me. Some of which I have come to know and hear. 

Usually by the outsiders wanting front row seats and inner circle views. 

I had to find out in fact...

  Even my Fiance had....

      (and I gulp) 

   Had in fact done this too. 

  And I couldn't believe....

  That for so many years...

 I had INTENTIONALLY spoken of him 

   only as best I could. 

  That I had intentionally protected his abuse. 

That I had intentionally run cover for his excuses. 

That I intentionally tried to keep honor to his name. 

  So.... I'm not sure...

     What's worse? 

  Finding out the whole circle...

The whole tribe...

  Was false. 

When deepest down...

  My gut already knew. 

In the Space you take up

 

I love it when you are beautiful. 

  When you gleam, and smile 

         at me. 

I remember. Remember your gentle cushion, little offerings. Looks. 

  I remember the look behind your eyes, holding back....yet ecstatic, and bright....

 

  The sweet innocence, of your tilting head 

and slight gestures, perked up 

  Indefinitely. 

I don't know what of it was for show? 

  What pretense you might have had to hold up...

      To show up...

Much like me. 

 But I vowed in your space to show up authentically. 

  And I had believed you'd done the same thing. 

I know what lays between us. 

  Yet I have 

Rendered it void. 

  Not like I did with him, no. 

No wiping or dusting away. 

  Rather I have made it so that it does not matter. 

 That we instead, have a clean slate. 

I know, dear...sweet perhaps if I should but just 

  Touch

Your cheek. 

Would it be enough to render you weak? As you know it would be in me? 

  You and I...

We understand the power you hold. 

 The power 

To make me fall in love....

  The real way...

Should you but just impress upon me....

  Your body

In whispers 

  In confessions

In bleeding wet sheets of sweat 

  And anger 

And love 

  Dampened all over 

The bed. 

I know we both know this. 

  You understand by now I hope...

That you can not hide from me. 

  Not by choice no. 

But by whatever cosmic string has us fated to the other. 

  I know I daydream in fantasies...

But they, my Love...

  Never really mattered. 

Most of all I wanted was merely and simply the chance to love you...

  The faint chance that you could let yourself 

Let me. 

  It was never some future ideal I expected. 

 

I just wanted you. 

   Knowing we could find what works....for us. 

If you ever had whatever it takes 

  To stop pushing me away. 

I have never loved anyone this way.  Unconventional. Unbreakable. Forgiving past 

  What I know you did. 

It hurt. But it never was enough to make me...

 Quit. 

My love refused to quit you. 

  It absolutely refused me.

Look at me. What ideal would I expect after what you have given? 

  That has never been what I have asked of you. 

I merely asked you...

  To be real with me. 

  I tried to ask you...

To let me in. 

I was willing to chance the fall we'd already nearly been sucked in. 

  I was chancing it all, just to see. 

Chancing what was left of me then. 

It wasn't just lust. It was full blown curiosity, sparked by something matched in you, 

  In me. 

  It was the light of my gut made whole, 

A smile on my face, when you....

  When you once....

We're almost kind to me. 

  It was the reach, silent and invisible 

Felt in my stomach and chest. 

  The signature of you...

Meeting me in bed. 

  However many miles you'd always been from me. 

  Whatever it was...

Seems to have been enough...

 To indwell upon me a lasting impression. 

Marked of brand, 

  Your ownership...

A quenching and salivating notion. 

To be back where I, 

  Was always meant to be. 

Ever was it in your bed. 

  You knowing, 

You wanting, 

  To own all of me. 

Maybe silly. 

  Maybe not at all, not. 

Yet....

  Both known the power of you. 

What was beautiful....

  How quickly it could fade. 

The cruel intentions, played. 

  A love ruined. 

  Yet still....

It is the memory of your smile...

That remains. 

  It is you still being able...

To put a smile on my face. 

  Tears albeit as well. 

Never think for a second...

  That I didn't show up still loving you..

It was just simply something...

  I could not tell. 

But I saw it all....

  Eyes and all. 

Because I knew 

     some things...

  Would never lie. 

It is what I remember perhaps most of you. 

Looking upon your face. 

  But it is not all. 

I remember so much. As so much, I'm sure...

I rather let fall...

  Right out of memory I'd have needed not to contain...

  Because it was so much more important to me...

 That I remember the bright of your beauty...

Rather than the shade of your disdain.