Understand

 

Understand, 

  I do love him. 

    He is my best friend. 

He provides for me. 

  He protects me. 

     He is family. 

I think the issue is

   NOT only 

That he is NOT you...

But at the end of the day...

That he is NOT right for me. 

I had envisioned a love with more intimacy. 

  More light. 

    A closeness...

That we just do NOT have. 

I had envisioned a love where my partner is curious about me; and enjoys when I speak and share, 

But he is too often quick to put out those flames 

  and steal center stage for himself. 

I had envisioned a partner, 

  Where pleasuring me is pleasuring himself...

 Yet that is foreign here. 

I had envisioned a love, 

  That knows how to preserve a beautiful date, 

But nearly everytime, 

  He ruins them. 

I have insecurities too. Stacked up. 

  I try not to pay them too close attention. 

We are human. Tragically flawed. 

He would not understand that continuing to love you, does not make me wrong. 

The words however, 

  I can NOT justify. 

They are for me. 

As for him, 

I'm sure they would be seen for the betrayal of heart that they are. 

He would NOT be wrong. 

and I would be to blame. 

NOT his actions of breaking YOU & I apart 12 years prior. 

NOT his four and a half years of drinking and alcoholic abuse. 

NOT his control or his temper. 

NOT the absolute and resolute 

  breaking of my heart anyway. 

NOT his wasted and drunken proposal 

  when all I cared about was a sober one. 

No...

He would NOT understand. 

He would NOT understand me loving you. 

  Or longing for you. 

     Or  believing in the possibility 

           and potential 

Of something the two of you buried so long ago, 

  Without my informed consent. 

But I understand. 

and while I would love to say this is NOT about you...imperfect and human just as I

I also can't deny that it feels like it is. 

That aside...

It IS about my freedom. 

  My expression;

It being embraced rather than tormented and caged. 

It IS about how I am loved. 

  How I prefer to be loved...

    and this has for too long

       NOT been it. 

It IS about CHOICE. 

Will I choose for him? 

  Or for me? 

Will I choose for my mother, 

  Or for my ability to manage the circumstance, 

     without him? 

Will I choose myself? 

  Her Glow? 

     Her ability. 

        Her Miracles? 

And if I did...

  Would you do the same? 

  Would you choose for you? 

Not your family, reputation, insecurities, or fears? 

Would you have the strength and courage to choose love? 

Imperfect as it is? 

  As we both are? 

Would you embrace the fights with me, 

  If it meant to wake up skin to skin, 

    and share breakfast and sunrises and coffee? 

Would you consider that there may be more peace here, than you thought possible? 

More love than you gave credence to? 

Would you open up my brain, my heart

  and embrace what I have to give? 

And might I, of you, do the same? 

Will you accept the reality and bare its weight with me? 

I am not all fantasy and lure. 

A girl of sweatpants and intimacy;

I have gained some pounds and refined into another version and age. 

Will my company be enough to fill your soul, 

  Through even the mundane, 

      and long days, 

  Days down, with headaches, or stress, or pain? 

I am not the fantasy once provided you. 

Rather I am a very real girl. 

  An odd one. 

    Full of magic, 

And living an awfully ordinary life. 

Not to say Darling, Dear

  That you don't have the match to ignite...

As rather that has been what is on my mind; 

Suspicious, intrinsically so...

  That you might; 

That the well of passion in me still burns 

and that that girl you met so long ago, 

Perhaps she is not dead at all. 

Perhaps she has just been hibernating

  treking the long and cold winter 

  Of our separation.  

Years lost and wandering. 

Myself, my Guides, the Star & Our Moon

  My only guiding light.