The Wall Break

 

All of a sudden, 

  I feel the sink of sadness 

    pierced through 

       Like a needle to a balloon. 

What was stone walled, 

  How instantly, 

    Gushed now 

Like a River for me to view. 

If there was time to process, 

  Then it probably wouldn't come in waves like this; 

Piercing through and crashing 

  Against the shorey and rocky walls, 

Creating leaks, 

  and tiny gushes 

Of the emotional breaks

Somehow through 

The shock of it all. 

Shock. 

My mother now convinced she's dying. 

  My body still in shock itself 

From the reeling night

  and the forlorn of abused hearts 

     battering blows

Trying to escape to no avail 

When purses are taken, 

  and suitcases thrown...

Hounded by words used by a villain 

 But not the man I love at all. 

Sleep deprived, 

  and woken to be hounded some more...

Slewn drunken rage 

  Blocking the door. 

Painting me depravity 

I had long hoped to be rid from. 

 and then being asked to hold his heaving and teary heart, 

  When mine you raped all night long;

     Z E R O 

    empathy 

and blacked out 

apparently. 

and I'm sure, 

My fault again. 

I Abandoned things once more, 

  to break...

as mom thinks she's dying, 

  can't know yet if it's true or fake. 

My little tragedies will have to wait. 

  Cramped. Hungry. Nauseous. 

   Hungover from drinking last night

     On an empty stomach, 

      and guests & company. 

Sick in my belly. 

  With the weight of our fight. 

     (Another one). 

Nauseous in heart and hand 

  Not interested in food 

     After you...

      and last night and all. 

No...

Instead 1, 2 step 

  Carry momma to the bathroom, carry momma to bed. 

   Carry the weight of her thinking she's definitely nearly dead. 

   

Carry the depravity, and make it look like routine 

Carry the density of your ache, 

  While it blood-lets me. 

Sleep alone in her bed tonight, 

  Mine, in her home. 

But in the moments just between, 

  The currents pull ashore! 

And in a crashy roaring state, 

 Enough to loosen 

   Enough to break...

What has been shock day in and out 

  Turns out to be a wall 

     Come towering down....

I almost don't want to see...

  But it is far too late for that. 

So instead I build it stone by brick 

  As maybe it's easier to remain in shock.