You make me so sad. I did not understand it for the longest while...until recently, after so many years, too many times my heart broken by you. It started to piece together, and I knew that it would continue to form a vision, shedding full light on you. That is....once I initially woke up.
After so long, it began to dawn on me. Just how manipulated I may be at your strings. It dawned on me....how you' sabatouged and PURPOSELY, and RELENTLESSLY...you would use and steal my power. It dawned on me....these were no "accidents". They were ways to KEEP ME.
I am in fear of you. Scared. You have already destroyed so much life here, in my space. You have crashed our accounts and a whole business. You have taken what you have given me, away....and you still threaten, to do so, with what is left in and of your possession. I am worse off now...years later...after moving out, and a proposal, and promises- all tanked.
I have never been with a man that left me with no car. That took mine. That took everything I had. You filled those spaces up with empty materials and empty voids. Debts of credits and not a single dollar still to my name.
You have been no husband at all....and no husband worth marrying...and I NEED....yes I need, to say this out loud.
My sympathies have carried you while you drowned me.
I am scared of what you take. What you take now, each time you come around. You threaten me. and then pretend that everything between us is okay.
You purposely place me in limbo, uneased, by your next move. Uncertain. Easy as pie, apparently, to emotionally deregulate....for you have found all my buttons and in your arsenal they remain.
I am scared of you. The venom you overhaul in my life. The threats to take more from someone who has nothing left, except for determination and a mustard seed of will.
I have inched closer and closer to making the call. But you have eased me back, edged me back everytime. Not because of love of mine, but because you play on my sympathies. I go back to sacrificing my peace, my space, my energy, and my time...nothing is really returned...anymore that I can tell.
You have become my Hell. Worse than mother if that is possible, as I have willed peace even recently, in this home.
You scare me...because your actions are always unknown. Destructive. Relentless. And usually at some cost to me.
Would it matter to say any of this at all? It is just a cut I have to make.
You...have endeavored for me not to. But I am realizing now, how I have given you everything with no work done for us at all. What you did...was no skin of your back. And what was lost, was at no fault of my own.
I let you drink and make your choices....I let you make the calls.
And now, your world is falling apart. You have willed yourself and me not to let you go. But that facade is rapidly falling now, isn't it? What good would it do ME to keep yours up?
Instead, it has only prolonged an inevitable heart break...one I tried too desperately to shield you from. I have shown that I care about your heart, over my own....
and I have seen what this has gotten...
The both of us.
I can no longer shield your fall. Or my own.
I have to let everything finally crumble.
I suppose I have been putting this off, because it is the PAIN I am putting off, anticipating, and yes....scared of.
Maybe it will somehow be the thing that heals your soul.
For it could not be me. And I made the last naive mistake I could have made....to think doing this to myself FOR YOU was apart of my destiny.
I am not looking forward to seeing your face. To following your word trails. I am not looking forward to you guilting me. I am not looking forward to the yelling, or crying. I am not looking forward to the threats and the emotional baiting....
All inevitably to follow.
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