Thursday, December 28, 2017
The Shadow Fae of Glory
Some times I wonder if God drew me up wicked-
I, like so many of his children, so drawn to the dark.
I sabotaged glory, squandering any earnest ideal,
that it was real.
Instead Glory had a face that haunted me. She was feral, when I met her. Now, she is unearthly and dark; a scribbled Fae of black depths and wild eyes, enough to scare any soldier, and 10 feet tall.
A creature of Habitat, she is fierce, and alien-like. She may very well come from "the dark dimension", though she herself is not, per se. She merely lives there. Was born there. Knows no other bounds.
We create her, you and I. Our thoughts whirl, and there she absorbs them becoming a monster of organic fury.
This is how spirits
are born.
Pandora's Bottle
With Ode to Missed Connections:
*there is an honesty in a person's speech when they can remain anonymous. It is in this spirit that I begrudgingly post this. Real honesty, especially for any expressionist, is an incredibly vulnerable task. Vulnerability takes a different strength, perhaps to the point of "escaping ego" , even if just momentarily. When writing, it is natural to omit, and edit oneself. I find being candid, however, has some universal draw on me- one that pulls me into an enforced trance. So I confess, I have found some of the most poetic love letters ever written, on Missed Connections Posts. The Romantic Voyeur in me loves to scour this sea-board of messages in their cast out bottles. I have written upon this sea for one person only; Cast a bottle every year or so. One man brought me to this forum...and for him, I still cast bottles to our sea. In the spirit of casting this out from my inner temple, I throw you another bottle.
~
"I have written you ode's & love letters for years now. I still look out my window for you, awaiting a non-existent day that you make it to my doorstep. I wonder what it's going to take to weed you out of my memory; my mind. I've figured by now, that you are never coming...and I don't know what bound me to you; nor what still does.
Beyond all reason, I have longed for you, for so long now. I meant it, when I said "you won, but I also said it, to get to you. I wanted you to know that this was your choice. Maybe you were protecting me, or yourself, or both...but I never wanted you to. Maybe you simply, didn't care.
I still feel you, during the holidays; still think about you, when I'm not supposed to; still roller-coaster through an absurd obsession that you started in me. One reason, I could never be with him, is because I could never stop thinking of you, if I were to. His personality is one factor, but somehow, he could never compete with you, once you and I had began talking. What a fool, right? I'm smiling. I know it's foolish to want you completely capitulated, but it's a foolish world. Love is a foolish design. It is also a miracle you and I have hardly known, but by my own generosity, I know it. Perhaps you can't say the same; you were always so cruel. Somehow yet, years later, I found myself slightly untagged by the foulest of your comments. I laugh now, knowing you are just snide and twisted. I have no rational reason for loving that about you...but I do.
I am fighting myself from picking up the phone. You always had that rule over me. I would trade my reputation, my self-pride, just to hear from you. What stops me is everything you said, last time we spoke. Rejected. Brushed off. I never heard from you after that. It's been two or three years since then. I miss you so much; you...you could never understand why. It baffled you.
It baffles me too.
I have been blessed, and honored to have many lovers. I've enjoyed beautiful women that loved me as ferociously, as I loved them. Even then...You left an impression on me...like an imprint that would never fade. It sounds cliche, but as of yet, it feels burned in my chest, and I can't, for the life of me, dig, or pull it out.
I may have mistaken your capacity for love, or your capacity of love, for me- either way. What I could never mistake, was my love, my obsession with you. It may have been one of the most foolish things I have ever done, as an adult. I opened that door, and we walked through creating something in me, on my timeline, that we could never undo. At that moment, I didn't know that I would fall more in love with you than anyone I had ever before you, nor would 'til now. Looking back though, I see, that that is exactly what happened. Ky, broke my heart. She strangled the air from my throat, and she slept with someone else shortly after. She fell from first place into a frozen and squandered memory, where Love, became nothing but ice. If she was the ice, you were my thaw. I imprinted on you, like an infant to the Devil, and I wonder, if you ever, fell in love along the way? Does the Devil, have a heart?
I always believed in you. My guess is that receiving Love is your weak-point; that never stopped me from wanting to smother you, in mine. Hours of bedtime minutes, and listening when we didn't want to, fighting and making up in bed. Dinner. Breakfast. Lunch. You. I see you everywhere, and smiling, as long as I'm around. You love to tease me. We love to be in our room. You love me, and somehow you have surrendered. I hope it's the sex, that has you.
We have our way, but you never believed in it; never gave into it. You never gave us a chance. I believe you had your reasons, as perhaps you still do. You should know though, that I think about you. Irrationally. Shamelessly, though I have to hide that from the world. I never say your name, though I want to; though I think it. Though I would love to pass it on. Whatever bound us, may have seemed sick and sadistic, but it made me. It put me through a fire, that cracked and charred me, until I came out, ready to re-emerge.
When He was with me the other night...I thought of you so deeply. I knew that although him and I have a history, ( he has a charm that is rough and unrefined) I knew that I could never give my whole self to him, with you, a distant best-friend away. I made the choice years ago, to leave him once and for all; but I never told You why. You never asked; and didn't seem to care. The reason was You, of course. I knew if we ever had any chance of a future, then I had to get away from him. So I did.
You of course, slipped out of the picture. I don't know where I lost you, or if it was any illusion that I ever had you. I knew I loved you, although I wasn't sure at the time, if Love is what it was. All these years later, that feeling that I had then, that pushed me TO love you...I still have. I remember your voice, but only for it's moments-it's impressions. I remember your slipped "I love you's" and the torment and havoc you wreaked on my mind. I remember your moments of leaked honesty, and your brutal choice's upon a mood's declaration. Yet still, by some grace only of the God and the Devil, do I still remain loving you, victim of all wretched types. I never stopped loving you. You called me many things and iterated that you and your friends laughed at me. You were the best at playing such a grand illusion, that I fell for the show; what I'm wondering, is if any of it was real?
Do you still laugh at me? If so, do you mean it? Do you secretly ache ever, for the understanding, or my hand, touch, or body? I have longed for you since the day we opened our pandora's box. Yet only some drifting dream, that holds like the moon, the sky, and something almost grasped. Perhaps it is for the best. Though, if you ever reach out, you Will find my hand. Love is Love. and You own me. That moment in time, you grew above those before, and those that would follow you. I have still not been able to uproot you; that may be because, deep down...I never wanted to.
You outgrew them, because you did not hurt me enough to numb my Love, rather you burned a fury that fueled it. Sure, you hurt me but I think I must have liked it. While I know that you can get women to submit for you, they would never submit like I can, like I would, and you know it. It's Love that binds me to you. Then, the devil's snare, by second degree.
I want you to come to me. Or I will find Love elsewhere. I can feel it, already on it's way. But I want you to come to me, nonetheless. I believe we could be happy together, if you think you had the strength to try, to keep me happy, as much as I would you. I have been crazy in love with you; for more years at this point than I have had a serious relationship. I think we deserve our chance. Unless I"m just wrong. Of which, I've already accepted. I just love you. Question is, how do you feel about me? Is it love? Is there love there? Would you like to own me? Would you give me a chance to make you happy? To please you? As the woman that I have grown to be? Would you consider marrying me for love? Fuck the money, and we'll create our life, together? As for your best friend, he can be the best man. He lost his chance several times over; and I am not a prize to be won. I'd like to think rather, that I was always yours...from the moment, you re-entered my life, even if we didn't know it.
Something in the way you twisted things, made sense. and I think if you were nicer, we may have made sense. I'm thinking about you these holidays, as I normally do. I miss your voice. I want to call. But you made me feel so stupid last time we cut off communications. I felt rejected for your new girlfriend. You did a number on me kid. I know that I am just playing with a fantasy. It never seemed like you were capable of not hurting me. That was something you and I agreed on. That doesn't halt the fact that I would rather talk through it, and hear your voice, and try your touch to this day, than live in the ugliness of what you said in the past- and I will always say it, but if I said or did anything to hurt you, I am sorry. I want to speak kindly of you and shower you with "undeserved love" because to me, you always deserved it. Actions don't make us. they can however, break us.
I can not call you; I'm too prideful and shy to think that you could handle talking to me without it ending in further rejection. Do you normally have girls begging you for chances? Do you think they could love you like I love you? Come home. I miss you. Do you think we had much? I think we had everything, even if only I could envision it; our relationship was beautifully and tragically rough around every edge, but I felt bound to you. That has never stopped. I still miss you, and search for you in the sky and the changing seasons. I really wanted that dinner and that night with you. I think it would have gone too well. I think we would have fallen in love. I guess I know now why you passed it up. Maybe you felt like you couldn't afford Love, with me. You must have figured out by now, that I am a risk taker. It doesn't mean, that I wouldn't fight for you, if things went south. On the contrary, I have always fought for you. I just felt like you showed me that you weren't as concerned with my happiness. I let you go, against my will. I did it because you wanted me to, and because I knew I should. But nothing's changed, accept that I am a woman, years later, still un-kissed and un-held by you; by us."
- Not So Anonymous
*there is an honesty in a person's speech when they can remain anonymous. It is in this spirit that I begrudgingly post this. Real honesty, especially for any expressionist, is an incredibly vulnerable task. Vulnerability takes a different strength, perhaps to the point of "escaping ego" , even if just momentarily. When writing, it is natural to omit, and edit oneself. I find being candid, however, has some universal draw on me- one that pulls me into an enforced trance. So I confess, I have found some of the most poetic love letters ever written, on Missed Connections Posts. The Romantic Voyeur in me loves to scour this sea-board of messages in their cast out bottles. I have written upon this sea for one person only; Cast a bottle every year or so. One man brought me to this forum...and for him, I still cast bottles to our sea. In the spirit of casting this out from my inner temple, I throw you another bottle.
~
"I have written you ode's & love letters for years now. I still look out my window for you, awaiting a non-existent day that you make it to my doorstep. I wonder what it's going to take to weed you out of my memory; my mind. I've figured by now, that you are never coming...and I don't know what bound me to you; nor what still does.
Beyond all reason, I have longed for you, for so long now. I meant it, when I said "you won, but I also said it, to get to you. I wanted you to know that this was your choice. Maybe you were protecting me, or yourself, or both...but I never wanted you to. Maybe you simply, didn't care.
I still feel you, during the holidays; still think about you, when I'm not supposed to; still roller-coaster through an absurd obsession that you started in me. One reason, I could never be with him, is because I could never stop thinking of you, if I were to. His personality is one factor, but somehow, he could never compete with you, once you and I had began talking. What a fool, right? I'm smiling. I know it's foolish to want you completely capitulated, but it's a foolish world. Love is a foolish design. It is also a miracle you and I have hardly known, but by my own generosity, I know it. Perhaps you can't say the same; you were always so cruel. Somehow yet, years later, I found myself slightly untagged by the foulest of your comments. I laugh now, knowing you are just snide and twisted. I have no rational reason for loving that about you...but I do.
I am fighting myself from picking up the phone. You always had that rule over me. I would trade my reputation, my self-pride, just to hear from you. What stops me is everything you said, last time we spoke. Rejected. Brushed off. I never heard from you after that. It's been two or three years since then. I miss you so much; you...you could never understand why. It baffled you.
It baffles me too.
I have been blessed, and honored to have many lovers. I've enjoyed beautiful women that loved me as ferociously, as I loved them. Even then...You left an impression on me...like an imprint that would never fade. It sounds cliche, but as of yet, it feels burned in my chest, and I can't, for the life of me, dig, or pull it out.
I may have mistaken your capacity for love, or your capacity of love, for me- either way. What I could never mistake, was my love, my obsession with you. It may have been one of the most foolish things I have ever done, as an adult. I opened that door, and we walked through creating something in me, on my timeline, that we could never undo. At that moment, I didn't know that I would fall more in love with you than anyone I had ever before you, nor would 'til now. Looking back though, I see, that that is exactly what happened. Ky, broke my heart. She strangled the air from my throat, and she slept with someone else shortly after. She fell from first place into a frozen and squandered memory, where Love, became nothing but ice. If she was the ice, you were my thaw. I imprinted on you, like an infant to the Devil, and I wonder, if you ever, fell in love along the way? Does the Devil, have a heart?
I always believed in you. My guess is that receiving Love is your weak-point; that never stopped me from wanting to smother you, in mine. Hours of bedtime minutes, and listening when we didn't want to, fighting and making up in bed. Dinner. Breakfast. Lunch. You. I see you everywhere, and smiling, as long as I'm around. You love to tease me. We love to be in our room. You love me, and somehow you have surrendered. I hope it's the sex, that has you.
We have our way, but you never believed in it; never gave into it. You never gave us a chance. I believe you had your reasons, as perhaps you still do. You should know though, that I think about you. Irrationally. Shamelessly, though I have to hide that from the world. I never say your name, though I want to; though I think it. Though I would love to pass it on. Whatever bound us, may have seemed sick and sadistic, but it made me. It put me through a fire, that cracked and charred me, until I came out, ready to re-emerge.
When He was with me the other night...I thought of you so deeply. I knew that although him and I have a history, ( he has a charm that is rough and unrefined) I knew that I could never give my whole self to him, with you, a distant best-friend away. I made the choice years ago, to leave him once and for all; but I never told You why. You never asked; and didn't seem to care. The reason was You, of course. I knew if we ever had any chance of a future, then I had to get away from him. So I did.
You of course, slipped out of the picture. I don't know where I lost you, or if it was any illusion that I ever had you. I knew I loved you, although I wasn't sure at the time, if Love is what it was. All these years later, that feeling that I had then, that pushed me TO love you...I still have. I remember your voice, but only for it's moments-it's impressions. I remember your slipped "I love you's" and the torment and havoc you wreaked on my mind. I remember your moments of leaked honesty, and your brutal choice's upon a mood's declaration. Yet still, by some grace only of the God and the Devil, do I still remain loving you, victim of all wretched types. I never stopped loving you. You called me many things and iterated that you and your friends laughed at me. You were the best at playing such a grand illusion, that I fell for the show; what I'm wondering, is if any of it was real?
Do you still laugh at me? If so, do you mean it? Do you secretly ache ever, for the understanding, or my hand, touch, or body? I have longed for you since the day we opened our pandora's box. Yet only some drifting dream, that holds like the moon, the sky, and something almost grasped. Perhaps it is for the best. Though, if you ever reach out, you Will find my hand. Love is Love. and You own me. That moment in time, you grew above those before, and those that would follow you. I have still not been able to uproot you; that may be because, deep down...I never wanted to.
You outgrew them, because you did not hurt me enough to numb my Love, rather you burned a fury that fueled it. Sure, you hurt me but I think I must have liked it. While I know that you can get women to submit for you, they would never submit like I can, like I would, and you know it. It's Love that binds me to you. Then, the devil's snare, by second degree.
I want you to come to me. Or I will find Love elsewhere. I can feel it, already on it's way. But I want you to come to me, nonetheless. I believe we could be happy together, if you think you had the strength to try, to keep me happy, as much as I would you. I have been crazy in love with you; for more years at this point than I have had a serious relationship. I think we deserve our chance. Unless I"m just wrong. Of which, I've already accepted. I just love you. Question is, how do you feel about me? Is it love? Is there love there? Would you like to own me? Would you give me a chance to make you happy? To please you? As the woman that I have grown to be? Would you consider marrying me for love? Fuck the money, and we'll create our life, together? As for your best friend, he can be the best man. He lost his chance several times over; and I am not a prize to be won. I'd like to think rather, that I was always yours...from the moment, you re-entered my life, even if we didn't know it.
Something in the way you twisted things, made sense. and I think if you were nicer, we may have made sense. I'm thinking about you these holidays, as I normally do. I miss your voice. I want to call. But you made me feel so stupid last time we cut off communications. I felt rejected for your new girlfriend. You did a number on me kid. I know that I am just playing with a fantasy. It never seemed like you were capable of not hurting me. That was something you and I agreed on. That doesn't halt the fact that I would rather talk through it, and hear your voice, and try your touch to this day, than live in the ugliness of what you said in the past- and I will always say it, but if I said or did anything to hurt you, I am sorry. I want to speak kindly of you and shower you with "undeserved love" because to me, you always deserved it. Actions don't make us. they can however, break us.
I can not call you; I'm too prideful and shy to think that you could handle talking to me without it ending in further rejection. Do you normally have girls begging you for chances? Do you think they could love you like I love you? Come home. I miss you. Do you think we had much? I think we had everything, even if only I could envision it; our relationship was beautifully and tragically rough around every edge, but I felt bound to you. That has never stopped. I still miss you, and search for you in the sky and the changing seasons. I really wanted that dinner and that night with you. I think it would have gone too well. I think we would have fallen in love. I guess I know now why you passed it up. Maybe you felt like you couldn't afford Love, with me. You must have figured out by now, that I am a risk taker. It doesn't mean, that I wouldn't fight for you, if things went south. On the contrary, I have always fought for you. I just felt like you showed me that you weren't as concerned with my happiness. I let you go, against my will. I did it because you wanted me to, and because I knew I should. But nothing's changed, accept that I am a woman, years later, still un-kissed and un-held by you; by us."
- Not So Anonymous
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