I started this blog page so that I could get back in touch with my spirit, and the things in my body that I feel, maybe even fear, I have been becoming detached from...or in some cases, too attached to.
Some days, I try to shut the voices in my head out, by not paying attention to them because they are too negative for my own good. Other days, I try hard to pay attention to them and how i am feeling as to make sure I am still listening to myself...It is somewhere within this principle that i have gotten far away from my roots of writing; staying away from it so as to not become too self indulged or self righteous enough to think that anything i have to write, ought to be read....
But it's not really about that, is it?
I don't so much know where to begin except to say that I am beginning this writing with the notion that it is something i need to do, to remember to find the things out about myself, that I might be afraid to see. I am writing it, as well, to create for myself the balance I feel that I am missing.
I am presently in a relationship with my third girlfriend officially. I am happy overall, and satisfied most days, and that is my truth. Without a "but" being placed in, currently, i am seeing how my patience is being tested. Even in moments how I find myself weak for having to keep someone afloat in ways for her own good. I am tested. Tired. Roughed up from my own breaks and falls, and now getting to be the main guiding force for somebody who is so powerful and yet so "not there yet". I wonder in times like this when it will ease for her understanding...
And scatter thoughts of how i still have my show this week, but i'm trying not to stress it tho it's looming in the back of my heart. I think i can take the pressure from life; work, Kiki, CBC, my goals, and my health....but it doesn't mean it too is not a struggle that doesn't make me second guess my own strength. My own ability.
I am tired now. Tired from the conversation with Ki, and tired from not knowing how to explain it to her. I want to go to bed but not before i finish this. I have to open for a 4:30am shift tomorrow, and call back for a potential interview with an old boss (funny story, maybe you'll get it next time :), not to mention, make it to a doctor's appt. tomorrow and work on my routine if can. I hope i do all such things and make it the day I want/need.
I am worried my dream will slip away from me or that it will never get easier. I sincerely hope I am wrong. My debut for CBC is Sept. 11th, also the day of Ki's Bday. It's a big day for me that i am trying not to make a big deal out of (but am;)...
Anyways, time for bed me tired.
No can no more.
